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She cheated, but she's back - still talking to him, though

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  • LostOneLostOne Member Posts: 45
    @drbeta She is staying on the couch downstairs until she can find a place to stay. I'm going to stay on her ass about it. It's incredibly difficult to even look at her any more knowing everything that has transpired.

    I do find myself vacillating, between loving her despite everything and getting sucked into my physical attraction for her, and being utterly revolted by her behavior and realizing that this relationship is toxic. I keep analyzing whether there's some way to fix her (and myself) without destroying what we had started to rebuild. I know that I'm ready for something better, but she seems stuck in old patterns, and since I'm not having it, she just wants to swap me out for someone who doesn't recognize them.

    I wish things were better. But thanks to you guys and a few other people in my life (some of whom I didn't realize until now I really could count on) I'm able to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. The blinders have been removed and a weight has been lifted.

    On with the MAP.
    DrBetaGuitarslinger
  • LostOneLostOne Member Posts: 45
    @wildflower I am very worried about what will happen if she comes back in a short time with a silver tongue and tells me what I want to hear. I like to think that I can deal with that calmly and rationally, but if she started tomorrow, I don't know that I would be able to resist. I suppose it's a good thing (as fucked up as that sounds) that she's still tied up with the OM. He can run cover for me while I work my issues out and if/when she screws him over, at least it won't be me.
    WildflowerDrBetaChanged_Man
  • WildflowerWildflower USASilver Member Posts: 277
    It is very hard to resist the siren song. It really is (ask me how I know). 

    You must find your safe ground and tether yourself to the truth so you can ride this storm out. Here's how I see it:  the truth is, the person you are missing and longing for right now, she is in your past. The truth is, the person in your present is choosing to be with someone else. Yes, that truth cuts to the core your being and yes, it is going to take time to heal from it. Give yourself the time to mourn your loss. The truth is that the future you had mapped out with your wife is now a figment of your commitment to your vows. Vows that are no longer binding in spirit because she has broken them. The truth is, your future holds many new possibilities. You are not likely to be in position just yet to even contemplate what those possibilities are, and that's okay, you need to recover, rebuild yourself, discover yourself. You are young, you truly have your life ahead of you. 




    HildaCornersDrBetaChanged_Man
  • _io_io Silver Member Posts: 1,821
    You were on a path to nowhere when she woke you up by cheating on you.  If you continue your MAP, finally settle on a career path, and become a better father to your children, she will have done you a favor.  I feel bad for her because she wanted the husband you are turning into, but she is going to watch you walk away because of the way she went about it.

    Keep up the hard work of making yourself a better man.  Good luck.
    LostOneAngelinewillieSerenity
  • NotelracNotelrac Member Posts: 3,517
    the person you are missing and longing for right now, she is in your past.
    Or never really existed.

    There are two possibilities.  You might have been involved with your own fantasy version of that person, and never saw the "Real Person".  Or they might have crafted a "false front", an artificial construct that was designed to suck you into a relationship.

    To put it another way -- did the person you are longing for have the capacity to cheat on you?

     

    HildaCornersWildflowerChanged_Man
  • LostOneLostOne Member Posts: 45
    @notelrac No. The person I originally was with, in my mind, could never cheat on me. I know that was a very unhealthy place to be, and I am now seeing her for the person she really is. That doesn't mean I don't feel for her at all - and really, how could you judge the capacity to cheat as something totally unacceptable? According to Athol, EVERY woman has the capacity to cheat if you aren't doing the right thing.

    My biggest issue in all of this is that I am changing, and my perspective is changing, and I have no idea where that will lead, or how I will feel about this situation looking back 6 months or a year from now. She is changing, as well, so I really have no idea what either of us will be like in the future. We could both grow to be much healthier adults, or one or both of us could lapse into old patterns. Either way, I don't trust her or even myself very much. I need time and perspective.
    AngelineSerenity
  • WildflowerWildflower USASilver Member Posts: 277
    "I need time and perspective."  <This x 1,000. You are both indeed changing and where that change will lead is truly anybody's guess right now. It may lead back to each other or it may lead to other people. NO MATTER WHAT OUTCOME (yes, I'm shouting), you need to fix you. Recognize your shortcomings, address each one, and see where you are in six months. It's not a lot of time. (Again, ask me how I know.)

    Good luck and be well.

    LostOneDrBetaChanged_ManSerenity
  • WafflyWifeyWafflyWifey Member Posts: 38
    MrsLostOne said:
    I sent multiple links to MMSL, spoke about emailing Athol - though no, I didn't press a Primer into his chest and threaten him. He's also (or at least was) a very stubborn person, who I believed wouldn't take it well (or at all)... and no, that's not conjecture, that's informed by years of dealing with him. I was hoping aggressively running a FAP would get his attention. He claims it did, but I guess he didn't realize the severity of the situation nor do his own research at that point. You can only push another person so much. Leading a horse to water, can't make him drink sort of thing.

    I'm strongly inclined to initiate divorce proceedings, but my husband having a total snap from his previous, ingrained personality confused the hell out of me. The trick is, I don't trust these changes to stick around and expect a shoe to drop at some point. I don't have another move in me or another depressive funk where he decides he needs to change his career path again.

    I'm being expected to make a leap of faith (which he frankly doesn't deserve) on the off chance he's genuinely changed, crushing someone who genuinely loves me in the process.

    And yet, part of me is still hopeful, in spite of myself. I'm also 24, an age when I no longer believe I know everything (as I did when I married at 20) and respect outside perspective. 


    I know what you're saying. Maybe you're resentful that it took this much upheavel for him to snap out of it.  It's possible he's changed for good, and it's also possible that he'll go right back to his old ways, and you'll both fall into the same old patterns. You're going to have to work hard to break out of the patterns. Also, you're young. Still very young. And you've gone through a lot in the last 4 years. Marriage, two kids, marriage falling apart-you might just be overwhelmed, it's too much in too short a period of time.
    LostOne
  • LostOneLostOne Member Posts: 45
    I believe there's a huge difference between pressing the Primer into my chest and saying, "I'm seriously concerned for our marriage" thereby giving me a chance at fixing things, vs. waiting until things are totally dead and entering into a relationship with someone else. At this point, I have no reason to believe anything other than the fact that by the time MMSL links and such were given to me, @mrslostone was already done with our marriage, and linking me to Athol's work was just a way to assuage her guilty conscience and checking out of our marriage. She never gave me a fair shot, as far as I'm concerned. She started her FAP, and shortly thereafter I started my MAP (unbeknownst to me, I was just responding to her) - it didn't matter. Had she consciously given me the Primer it would have indicated that she actually wanted to save the marriage, which I believe is not the case. She put just enough effort into "helping" me in order to make herself feel better, and not enough to actually fix anything.

    That said, I guess an argument can be made that she doesn't or didn't owe me anything in the realm of helping me fix myself (even though it would benefit her) but that kind of attitude just betrays her forfeiture of a marriage that could have been saved, rather than the mess we have now.

    Do women just refuse to OWN their shit, or what?
    WafflyWifey
  • LostOneLostOne Member Posts: 45
    FTR, my wallowing self pity is over for this thread. It's time to move foward.
    Athol_KayChanged_Man
  • StillwaterStillwater Member Posts: 107
    LostOne's STBXW is an idiot. Her relationship with the OM will end in disaster because it's based on infidelity, lies, lack of trust. All of this will come back to derail it all. And her admitting to having terrible communication skills, etc. is a dead give away that she's taking her problems with her.
    My EX was just like LostOne's. Her OM kicked her to the curb and she eventually apologized and said I was a great guy. 
    Get on with your like LO. Good luck.
    Athol_KayWildflowerChanged_Man
  • DaveBowmanDaveBowman Member Posts: 5,823
    edited April 2013
    LostOne said:

    Do women just refuse to OWN their shit, or what?

    Yes. Not all, but many. Living in the fantasy land where everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault. Go hop on some marriage/coping with infidelity forums and you'll see this is very common.

    I know this is hard to hear but everything gets better from this day forward. You're off the fence and on the path. You will recover and be stronger for it -- like breaking a bone it heals stronger. You will never be the same, but would you want to be?

    Man, seriously, F her. You deserve better. MAP up and you'll find it if you want it. Just don't hop into a serious relationship until you're ready. Until then, have fun. Be prepped, the women will flock.

    Wildflower
  • FleurFleur Joining the witless protection programMember Posts: 668
    Do women just refuse to OWN their shit, or what? 

    I think you'll find it's a surprisingly common human trait to both sexes.  But it looks like you're doing the right things now, best of luck to you.

    Angela
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