Sexually Submissive

TheOneWhoLurks

Been lurking for a while, decided to ask a question. A lot of the MMSL stuff doesn't really apply to me. I make more money than her, I'm in shape, and I'm having sex pretty frequently. I don't have a problem with most of the alpha male stuff. My problem isn't quantity, its quality.

Basically, my biggest turn on is when a girl takes control in bed - when she's the dominant one, so to speak. When I told a previous GF this, she tried, but it wasn't something she liked and she wouldn't commit to it. And I think it made her less attracted to me. I've been dating my current SO for almost a year, now, and because she's submissive, I don't really enjoy sex with her that much. I know that sounds weird - I get laid a lot, she's great with the blow/handjobs, and she's really responsive in sex. I probably shouldn't complain, but I'm not really enjoying our sex life.

Part of the problem is that I'm good at being the dominant partner (maybe because I'm submissive, I know what we/they like). So she's completely satisfied as is. But I'm just not. Really, all I want is for a girl to take control, stick her tongue down my throat, and fuck me silly.

The other part of the problem is that from my own experience, and my reading around the manosphere, this is all a huge turnoff for most women and the opposite of what they want. How to I get her to turn me on without turning herself off?

JimDawg

What you have to understand is that MMSL and the manosphere play to the law of averages. While the majority of women are turned on by sexual dominance in their partner this is by no means a universal. I would say you need to be honest with her about what you want, maybe she is into it. Or maybe she goes along with it to make you happy. At any rate there is no reason for you to not express your sexual needs on something like this. If you aren't getting what you want you should do something about it.
Paging @AWACS who will probably be able to give you more insight into sexual power dynamics than I can.

roe

steu2817 said:

An alpha who's naturally submissive in the bedroom. Now THAT I just can't get my head around. So are you naturally dominant OUTSIDE the bedroom?

Well, I'm dominant to my subordinates at work, but submissive to my boss.  And comfortable with both roles.

It's like how some of the manosphere wives have jobs where they have to be the dominant boss lady all day, and they just want to come home to a Captain and relax into a submissive role at home.

Sometimes, I just want to relax into a submissive role during sex, even though I carry a dominant frame elsewhere.

Ben

Be dominant in your submissiveness.  If you come at it all, "Umm... I had something I wanted to talk to you about... it might be kind of a turnoff for you, but it would mean a lot to me if you would be the dominant one sometimes..." I think you can guess what the reaction will be.

Instead:

"You're in charge of the sex tonight.  Make sure it's really good, I grade on a curve and the guy who was in charge last night did amazing."

TheOneWhoLurks

steu2817 said:

An alpha who's naturally submissive in the bedroom. Now THAT I just can't get my head around. So are you naturally dominant OUTSIDE the bedroom?

Yep.

TheOneWhoLurks

Ben said:

Be dominant in your submissiveness.  If you come at it all, "Umm... I had something I wanted to talk to you about... it might be kind of a turnoff for you, but it would mean a lot to me if you would be the dominant one sometimes..." I think you can guess what the reaction will be.

Instead:

"You're in charge of the sex tonight.  Make sure it's really good, I grade on a curve and the guy who was in charge last night did amazing."

This sounds like intelligence.

TheOneWhoLurks

cinnamon said:

Different people like different levels of power exchange. Some women are more dominant/submissive/switchy.

If she's truly submissive, things may not work out. If she can switch, that sounds like it will be good enough for you -- you've been with her for a year, after all.

I know that I'm really submissive now, but I'm fairly sure that once I feel confident that my sexuality is truly accepted by my partner, I'll want to and be able to switch (he's aware). 

Thanks, it's nice to get a woman's opinion (no offense, fellow studs!). Is the idea of "switching," and being the dominant one something that turns you on?

lil_spitfire

My STBX always wanted me to "ravage him". I can be pretty bold in sexual situations but I still needed to be turned on to do it. I think responsive desire is still important but if she's hot enough for you, she might take over. So tell her what you want and make sure you stay alpha throughout so she stays attracted.

I explained it to him like this: if I'm going to let out my inner tigress, it won't be to hunt down a bunny.

Kheldar

I think a lot of guys want their wife to ravage them - let's them know they are wanted, not merely tolerated. Also, being dominant is a lot of damn work. It's nice to take a break once in awhile. But it's apparently not common for the ladies to want to take up that role. 

never_surrender

What if the man is getting sex all the time, he's always taking control and the women just gets use to the dominant man. She's not really thinking she needs to take control, she gets sex all the time anyway. 

  I think communication is good and what about taking a few extra days off and the women might wonder " why is there a break in the action" ?  Then maybe she might come into play some more.  

  Comments?

lil_spitfire

@CubicleZ7, I don't know what to suggest here. Does submission to you just mean doing what you say and submissive posturing? Have you told her what you want? Tried role play? (If she's acting as the damsel in distress it might balance the dominant side but she'll be quite conscious of it.)

@never_surrender, I personally would probably be less sexually dominant if there was a break and I was wondering what's up. Too worried about being rejected. Or, because of the break, my responsive desire might not be fully engaged. I don't go to tigress mode when I haven't O-ed in days; I go there when I've O-ed very recently and want more. 

In fact, the OP might try to get his SO to be more dominant for just the second half of the session. It all depends on her particulars, but if she can O more than once you might be more likely to get dominance when she's super turned on and you are already at it.

Also, praise her whenever she takes over. Most of us like to be dominated but we've also been told that submission is sexy. I always felt a little embarrassed when I got "carried away" (i.e. dominant) and it helped to know that he thought it was hot. 

Oh. one more thought. Try sex with no talking. I always became more dominant when I couldn't talk and therefore had to resort to pushing, pulling, angling, etc to get what I wanted. We are given the advice to give lots of feedback and tell our SO what we want, etc, but that is submissive. If you get her comfortable with showing instead of telling you, that's a good step in the right direction. Dominance requires a lot of physical confidence controlling a situation and that's something that women don't have as much practice with. Once I was comfortable pushing him into the position I wanted to be in, it was a lot easier to just take over when the mood struck me.

OneEyedDrunk

never_surrender said:

What if the man is getting sex all the time, he's always taking control and the women just gets use to the dominant man. She's not really thinking she needs to take control, she gets sex all the time anyway. 

  I think communication is good and what about taking a few extra days off and the women might wonder " why is there a break in the action" ?  Then maybe she might come into play some more.  

  Comments?

I'm definitely going to try that. I have pushed for the sleeping naked, ten second kisses, and I drive by constantly. It would be awesome to see a couple days of nothing to see how she reacts. Gonna try that in a few weeks to see how it goes.

lil_spitfire

@CubicleZ7, that's why the most important thing is to MAP and become attractive to her. If you are attractive, then you can do almost anything and it'll make her tingle. And being subdued by a man you really want is the best feeling ever (IMHO). Women want to be pursued but more than that, we want to be hunted and taken down. We want to feel and see how much effort you put into taking us. The more effort, the more you want us. So we put up a fight to see how much effort (aka, how much desire) you have for us.

...or maybe that's just me? 

For the record, I like drama, I'm emotional, and I'm the kind to pick a fight in order to encourage the "hunt". Not all women are like that.

And I'm 5 ft 100 lbs, so I'm used to feeling physically submissive to just about every adult around me. That's definitely something to be aware of. I am basically in a constant state of vulnerability, subconsciously, and sometimes consciously. To go there sexually requires trust and attraction, it's so close to my "danger" signals that a wrong move is a big deal. Conversely, to then become dominant from this submissive position requires a lot of positive feedback. 

lil_spitfire

Probably (A), Cubicle. Because if she was sexually dominant, she wouldn't want to waste her time on a bunny, remember? 

And yeah, it's interesting to have this dynamic. I hated being picked up all the time by just about everyone I met. But now, love the idea of being manhandled. It's all in the context.

jklm

lil_spitfire said:

My STBX always wanted me to "ravage him". I can be pretty bold in sexual situations but I still needed to be turned on to do it. I think responsive desire is still important but if she's hot enough for you, she might take over. So tell her what you want and make sure you stay alpha throughout so she stays attracted. I explained it to him like this: if I'm going to let out my inner tigress, it won't be to hunt down a bunny.

I'm going to steal this.

Where we're at, it feels really bad to take over dominant. But if instead of him being meek and wimpy and wanting me to be in charge, he's still manly man and I just have to really own it... well, why not? Rawr.

lil_spitfire

I'm 26.

wombatula

My wife likes to play the dominant every once in a while but it's more of an attacking or pouncing on me for sex and then her riding me, teasing the hell out of me, not letting me put my hands on her, stopping when I'm about to cum and getting me to the edge several times before I take back the control and throw her off me, flip her onto her stomach and pound her from behind.  She does it to get a control fix and loves knowing she can drie me that crazy, but at the same time she gets to have me just take her out of pure lust.  It's the best of both worlds for her.

wombatula

AlphaBelle said:

My wife likes to play the dominant every once in a while but it's more of an attacking or pouncing on me for sex and then her riding me, teasing the hell out of me, not letting me put my hands on her, stopping when I'm about to cum and getting me to the edge several times before I take back the control and throw her off me, flip her onto her stomach and pound her from behind.  She does it to get a control fix and loves knowing she can drie me that crazy, but at the same time she gets to have me just take her out of pure lust.  It's the best of both worlds for her.

That's exactly perfectly awesome. :x

What's more awesome is she must have orgasm ESP because she gets to the point where if she moves up and down one more time I'm losing it, she'll stop and just smile the evilest and sexiest smile I've ever seen.  But yeah, it's pretty fucking awesome.