How to make a comeback from a Captain fail?

gus

We've all been there: the MAP is running well, but then we screw up one thing and it feels like a big hard reset. So how do you make a comeback, and can we devise any specific techniques or routines to do that? Or is it as simple as passing the next round of shit tests and maintaining frame?

Here's my example - I've certainly screwed up worse than this, but as far as day-to-day family stuff goes, I was left feeling ashamed and lost a tonne of points.

Girlfriend wanted to go to the nearest town, presumably for presents for my birthday (but very last minute, because this was the night before). She texts while picking up the kids from school to ask if there's time and for me to watch the kids before I need to head out later - I say no, so she drives there with the kids instead. on the way back there's some sexy texting, which almost never happens, so it's a big positive score... and I say to take the kids through the car wash for fun, because I bought a code for it that day and ran out of time to use it. 

This is where I fail. The code I rote down was wrong. She calls at the machine, with a car waiting behind her. I say I'll call back ASAP, because the original ticket is in the car. Then I call back, read it... and it doesn't work. I realise I'm looking at an old expired ticket, but don't tell her and just say she should come home.

The kids are disappointed, she's lost interest in being spanked by me as a joke from the text exchange. I dash off to get the car cleaned so I can say I told them to fix the broken ticket, though I don't bring it up later because I don't want to be all 'hey, look at me!' beta.

So that was lame... but then I compound it with something just as bad. 

I'm running out after dinner to get ready to meet someone about business. As I head out the door, I can't find my wallet... running around like crazy, run to the car, not in there, so I need to borrow money off her just to buy a drink. Then I run back to the car (running 5 min late), and I've left the damn key in the house, so I run back. She asks why, I say about the key, and I hear her sigh and I realise I've blown all the good from the last week. The other thing is, I used to do this all the time when I used to smoke weed, so it probably bring back memories of me forgetting stuff *every day* like this. 

Oh, and then on the way out I spank her anyway, but hit the bottom of her back rather than her ass by accident, and it clearly hurts. OMFG.

This sort of thing isn't the end of the world, but it's very non-captain. In fact, maybe it's worse because they all happened in quick succession.

What can I and others do when we've failed as captain in minor or major ways?

picard

With the car wash incident, you should not have lied, you turned one failure into two by lying. A good captain admits the mistake and moves one "Damn, looks like I've go the wrong ticket, looks like I'll be the one getting spanked".

There was no failure with the key incident, so you forget things, tough, deal with it. There are a few things about me that are flaws, I know they are flaws but there is nothing I can do about them. I'll give you a good example:

I leave cups and cans by my desk, generally I keep my work area clean but if I'm deep in some code I don't think about lifting these things and then I finish work and go do something important, like working out or doing a chore. So a relatively minor task doesn't get done while I'm working on important things. I've tried to address this, I don't like it, but it's never going away.

My FO flipped out about it one day and I suddenly realised that it just didn't matter to me, so I said "I'm going to forget lifting the cup, that's never going to change, so you can either pick it up for me and earn some brownie points or get all angry and we can have a fight about a cup" after that she started lifting them for me, she makes cheeky comments to make sure I take note.

The point here is it's teamwork and there are some things you just can't improve about yourself and if forgetting your keys undoes all the good you've done in a week, then something is seriously messed up and it's not your memory.

Mojo

I would just put it down to having a bad day, nobody is perfect and dust yourself off and carry on.

Sometimes when your day is turning to shit the more you try to put it right the worse it tends to get.

I think that FO's sometimes judge you by unreasonable standards which they themselves are immune to.  I picked my FO up on a couple of things recently and she goes ballistic into denial hyper-drive mode and starts making up stuff I have done or stuff I did 6 months ago that I no longer do.

I tend now to just say "I have made my point and that's all I have to say".  They then go and think about it/mull it over (and while never conceding they are wrong) they do change their behaviour as miraculously the next day the behaviour has changed.

 

penthousegypsy

you shot yourself in the foot to some extent....

HOWEVER !!!!... the concept of the captain position is false, because the captain has authority and doesn't tolerate moods and issues from his crew.

With a wife however you have to tolerate her moods, you have to. She's allowed to have moods.

Her is an example.... My wife's credit card from Brazil needs paying, it's only a stupid $100 yearly fee..... A guy back in Brazil owes me $3-400 from a old debt, so she insists on trying to get the guy to pay her bill, and when he doesn't pay it and her card nearly gets cancelled that somehow reflects badly on me. She's got all tense and worked up over a stupid $100 bill for a credit card we hardly use and barely need, it's only handy because its in a foreign currency.

It's the personality type.

Men, myself included get themselves into no win relationships with women who think they are the boss, and the saying... "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is basically a hard wired rule for us guys.

I'm at the point where I want a long term relationship with a woman, but not the one I'm with.

I can take all my mistakes, research and canvas for a suitable younger girl, that gets substantial benefits from being my woman, and school her from day one.

The problem of all these men like myself in long term relationships, is they are blaming themselves too much. You can't move forwards with a person who has already pegged you and slotted you into a role in their life.

You wife Gus, wants a beta guy. She won't let you get too alpha on her. The car wash thing is case in point. There's no possible excuse for her to get into a bad mood over that. Sure you can steer things around, you can try to play games and "captain the ship", but what does the captain do if the crew is unruly and difficult to manage. He sacks them or retires himself.

My life loves the drama, it gives her day some excitement to get all worked up over a credit card. I'm working on a six figure business deal, and my day is blown inside out with this panic, but she loves to panic. If it wasn't that she'd find something else to panic about. If it's not with me she'll be panicing with some other guy. She wants to be the boss, if she's not barking at me and disrespecting me over some old debt, which is entirely my business anyway, she'll be doing that with someone else.... she won't change......

If you live with a junkie that shoots up smack, or an alcoholic or a gambling addict, no amount of captaincy will get that person to change. They have to want to change themselves.

You can't force a grown woman and mother to change much in her life.

The point you are missing here is she gets just as much out of blowing you off, as she does from sucking you off. You can't change that. It's her way, she's built that habit now, she's addicted. You were the pusher and you got her hooked. You can blame yourself, but you can't necessarily change anything.

my next move is to get an apartment an hour or two away, for 'work reasons' and start living there, and get away from the drama and BS, that my junkie wife just can't give up on.

i want to be far enough away so she can't draw me back into her BS at a moment's notice. I want to teach her a lesson. She won't learn her lesson.

It seems like the lesson she has to learn in life is what it's like to me a single mother.... so be it... people have to learn lesson in life.... you can't always captain them......

Serenity

This is probably the greatest opportunity you could have given yourself. 

Here's the deal, and it's what separates the men from the boys.  If you can regain your frame quickly after losing it, it is a huge DHV. Huge. Most guys will completely lose their frame after making a few minor errors. They totally lose their confidence and their mojo. And set themselves back *weeks* of mapping. My husband does/did this all the time.

Just have the confidence to get back on track today. Do something that makes you feel strong and confident.... extra work-out, something work-related, whatever. Come back strong when you get home, and carry on with your Captain role.

Maintaining your alpha stance after you mess up is enough of a boost that it's almost worth messing up in the first place.

gus

I probably made it sound worse than it is - she hasn't been moody, and she was up very late making me a cake and cleaning the house ahead of my birthday today. When I felt that I had undone a lot of good, it's because her sigh suggested something more internal.

@serenity, you make a good point - "what separates the men from the boys.  If you can regain your frame quickly after losing it, it is a huge DHV. Huge. Most guys will completely lose their frame after making a few minor errors. They totally lose their confidence and their mojo. And set themselves back *weeks* of mapping."

Well, when I was running around to find the wallet, I stupidly said "...I'm getting flustered now." 

WEAK

ALways maintain frame. It could be the only rule we need.

penthousegypsy

It doesn't work Serenity.... it doesn't work.... she's addicted to drama

I can’t say about Gus’s wife, but I recognize the exact same smell as my situation, and I had enough.

Serenity

Well, she's probably expecting you to be weak and supplicating today (and dreading it at that primal level).  Make sure you don't do it. It will keep her slightly off base, and that increases her attraction for you.

gus

Easy: it's my birthday, so swinging my bollocks around is not only appropriate but completely expected. (I should do this every day, of course, but even in the past I'd be a greedy alpha bastard on my birthday).

Serenity

@penthousegypsy ; If by 'it doesn't work', you mean that his wife won't respond to it immediately, you may be right, you may be wrong.

But regaining your alpha frame always *works* in that it helps you be the man you want to be.

Happy Birthday @gus.  <:-P

Notelrac

hit the bottom of her back rather than her ass by accident, and it clearly hurts.
Yeah, you either hit her spine (ouch!) or bruised a kidney (potentially life-threatening!!)

Captains own their shit.  If they screw up, they take action.  First step is to solve the emergency that arose from your failure.  Next step is to apologize, ask the affected parties what they need to be made whole, and (if they're reasonable) do that.  Finally, you take steps to ensure you don't screw up in exactly this fashion again.

There was no failure with the key incident, so you forget things,
Actually, no.  This was a major failure, especially given his past drug use history.  Captains keep track of their shit.  One of the ways Cluster-B narcissists control those around them is by losing keys, glasses, wallets -- and then insisting that everyone else stop whatever they are doing and waste a whole lot of time looking for stuff that should never have been misplaced.

If you forget things, you establish procedures.  There is only one place my car keys go in the house.  For each room, there is only one place I put my eyeglasses down.  There are two places my wallet goes - one in the bedroom, one in my office.

picard

Notelrac said:

There was no failure with the key incident, so you forget things,
Actually, no.  This was a major failure, especially given his past drug use history.  

Completely disagree on major failure. The behaviour of acting flustered etc..was a failure, but forgetting keys is a minor blip regardless of the history of forgetting and drugs etc... The advice to have procedures etc... in place is good and is exactly what I do, but calling this small incident a major failure is a bit of a stretch.

Notelrac

@gus thought it was major enough to write about.  His wife thought it was major enough to do the whole "sigh/eyeroll" thing.

Fortunately, gus recognized this DLV, and so can take appropriate action.

penthousegypsy

not if she's addicted to the panic and determined to be the alpha herself....

it's a fatally flawed assumption to think that people actually want to do the right thing and be positive and build nice things in their lives.

most of the world wants to be miserable and will kill you, and themselves too if necessary to achieve that.....



Serenity said:

@penthousegypsy ; If by 'it doesn't work', you mean that his wife won't respond to it immediately, you may be right, you may be wrong.

But regaining your alpha frame always *works* in that it helps you be the man you want to be.

Happy Birthday @gus.  <:-P

JimDawg

You can't be perfect. Every captain messes up from time to time. The key is to take responsibility for your mistakes and ensure that you have a plan for not repeating them in the future. Give yourself a break. Don't compound a mistake by letting it shake your confidence. If you have been otherwise keeping your shit together you should have plenty of room for error.

CaptainCaveman

Serenity said:

This is probably the greatest opportunity you could have given yourself. 

Here's the deal, and it's what separates the men from the boys.  If you can regain your frame quickly after losing it, it is a huge DHV. Huge. Most guys will completely lose their frame after making a few minor errors. They totally lose their confidence and their mojo. And set themselves back *weeks* of mapping. My husband does/did this all the time.

Just have the confidence to get back on track today. Do something that makes you feel strong and confident.... extra work-out, something work-related, whatever. Come back strong when you get home, and carry on with your Captain role.

Maintaining your alpha stance after you mess up is enough of a boost that it's almost worth messing up in the first place.

    Learn from Buzz (at the end of Toy Story): "I'm not flying, I'm falling...with style." That is what a Captain needs to do; recognize what is not Alpha immediately, put in an Alpha recovery, and imply that it was all intended. As a bonus, she will not be so sure that you are being bad Beta, giving you a few extra seconds to recover next time. Life is a lot like a video game.

DaveBowman

Fall down. Get back up. Learn.

Beating yourself up is a waste of effort. 

gus

Thanks for all the advice - I should say, I meant this to be more of an open discussion about your fails and how you recovered. 

Maybe I should put it this way: what has been your biggest comeback?

DaveBowman

One of my most epic fails was a couple of years ago when mrsBowman suddenly started going out all the time. Like, all. The. Time. GNOs, working out, even a girl's weekend away. I freaked out and was so needy, whiney, PA, I'm surprised she didn't puke all over me in disgust. Didn't help at all, instead she started going out more. No affair (trust but verify!) but she was going down a bad path that could've lead to her essentially thinking of herself as single.

I started some elements of MAPping a year or 18 months ago before I read the Primer. Just got disgusted with myself and had to make a change. 

The biggest difference is that I'd start doing my own shit, too. And fun stuff. Go out just as much as her. Have a life. 

Suddenly all the GNOs, etc... just throttled way back.

And after MAPping 4-5 months hard...  she now wants to focus all her energy on me and the kids rather than on friends that come and go. And both of us have a big smile on our faces.

picard

She soft no'd sex after an important date when I'd held up my end of my covert contract. I lay beside her silently fuming, when she fell asleep I left the hotel, drove half way across the country back to our house and binned the presents I just given her.

Calmed down, spoke to her on the phone, went back, apologised for the over the top reaction and she said "I was just pushing you so you'd be a bit rough and make it special, I thought you just weren't in the mood". We then had the best sex of our relationship right there. This is also the last ever time I had a covert contract rage quit, because I realised she hadn't actually done anything wrong.

penthousegypsy

as far as i can see from married guys on this forum, the mathematics of marriage equates to something along the lines of :

cut off one leg and then spend the rest of your life hobbling about trying to sort out a self created problem.

women = childish drama. fullstop.

even if they don't drag you into it from time to time, it still messes with your life.

the best years i spent were when i realized this and lived alone and single and built businesses with guy friends and had my fun.

women slowly crept back into the picture and then all the childish stressful nonsense starts up again....

it doesn't matter how good you are at being captain if your crew is made up of baboons....