Really bored with sex life

TK421

Dang, you're every guy's dream woman. I wish my wife would come to bed naked more often! I wish I had a solution for you, or some words of wisdom but the problem is definitely not you. It sounds like he's depressed. I was in your situation pre-map so I feel your frustration.

Serenity

@Rico ; Do you mind saying how old you are?  My husband's doing supplemental T, but is not responding as well.  I'm thinking because he's older and also he's overweight.  Of course it's harder to lose weight when you're low T, so catch22.  He's lifting weights and working out trying to offset things.

brotherdance

@desparatehousewife Yes, I know it's never been everyday, few couples can boast of that ever being a norm, myself included. But it does reset the biological clock, I have never seen it fail with a couple I've counseled. I don't know how it works, I just know that it does. (Just so you know, I've also never had a couple who could do it perfectly, life is just too busy for that. I don't want you to feel like a failure down the road. If you miss a day, just jump right back in.)

As for how to bring it up and make it happen, that's where your feminine wiles come in. You simply have to agree to do anything he asks of you, and really mean it for that month. This is your chance to be "perfect wife" and see what results it gets you. You'll never know if you don't give it a serious try. Don't forget, you are the one who wants change, so you have to put in the effort. That's the bad news I was talking about before.

If you are more concerned about approaching the idea in the first place, just shyly tell him it's something you want to try, point blank. Don't mince words.

desperatehousewife

@Joskin, what you say about your wife willingly offering apologies about things that are non-issues sounds EXACTLY like my husband.  Like if he accidentally steps on my foot or something, he will readily say he's sorry.  But the times he has really behaved badly and hurt my feelings, I have rarely gotten a heartfelt apology.

The last time he had one of his temper tantrums I waited until he had cooled down, and then told him that his behavior (hitting objects) was totally unacceptable, especially in front of the children.  That next time it happened I expect him to do whatever hitting or pounding necessary away from us.  He seemingly accepted this, but did not apologize. 

When we fight, I am always the one to say I am sorry and make things better.  It's probably not my fault all the time though, right? 

Serenity

@ichabod ; I agree with you in general, but my husband really is a unique snowflake.  The guy has more self control (now) than anyone else I've ever met.  He went vegan for 9 months to fix things.  He lost maybe 4 pounds (he needs to lose probably 35 for optimal health)  About 5 weeks ago, he started on Paleo. Not seeing amazing results, yet. 

I think his metabolism is just so messed up after years of bad eating and no exercise.  His thyroid was haywire, so they're tweaking that, low T, pre-diabetes, high blood pressure, the whole works.  Doesn't help that all this runs in his family.  ugh

The problem is that the more ab fat you have, the more your body converts T to estrogen.  The more estrogen you have, the more ab fat you produce.  It's a feedback loop that has been very difficult for him to break.

I'll say this for him, he's persistent.   I think he's going to get there.

desperatehousewife

@Serenity, I don't want to say our exact ages, but I am early 30s and he is mid 30s. 

@MCM I am really a good wife!  Thank you for saying that.  I am hot enough to get hit on, youngish, not fat, and my boobs are proportional to my body.  And I really like sex! I think he should be glad for this.   

Serenity

@ichabod ; Yeah, that's what my husband is doing now, too.  Started maybe 5 weeks ago.  How long did it take you to see results? He's eating no grains, no processed food, low carb veggies, no sugar, clean meats.  (His new favorite is roasted zuchinni and asparagus.) I'm learning to cook for him in a whole new way.

I hope he sees results.  The poor guy is working so hard to fix his situation. (Of course, it's a hole he dug himself by years of over-eating and no exercise.  Original couch potato.  But that's water under the bridge.  I so respect how hard he's working now.)

I'm glad you're feeling so much better.  Yay for you!!

Joskin_Nodd

@desperatehousewife: "When we fight, I am always the one to say I am sorry and make things better.  It's probably not my fault all the time though, right? "

Of course not. It takes two to tango, and apologies should really be reconciliation: we are human, we make mistakes, we get emotional, but we still love each other, let us reconcile. But it's hard to get the other partner to apologize when they don't see that they've done anything wrong. 

I know when I don't apologize, my wife really thinks I should, and really thinks I've done something wrong. And if it would be a reconciliation, rather than a demand to explain why I'm such a bad person, I'm sure I'd do it. In fact, that's what used to happen when we argued, the results were better, we both understood the other person's point of view better . . . but apparently I've done something wrong, or we both have, because that doesn't happen any more. 

Joskin_Nodd

@Serenity: "The problem is that the more ab fat you have, the more your body converts T to estrogen.  The more estrogen you have, the more ab fat you produce.  It's a feedback loop that has been very difficult for him to break."

I have this problem. Even as I lose weight, ab fat is the most stubborn fat I got. Next time I got to the doctor I'm definitely going to get a T test. 

Notelrac

An apology to another adult consists of:
* an admission that you were wrong
* a promise that you will attempt to not transgress again
* an attempt to make the injured party whole
* taking steps to ensure that you do not repeat the wrong
Appropriate times to apologize in this manner would be if you had an affair, or were careless and caused personal or property injury, or caused problems for their career, or lost a lot of money gambling. 

It is not appropriate to apologize every time the hamster gets her knickers in a knot.  It took me a long time in my second marriage to learn how to apologize, because my first wife weaponized them as part of her abuse.  "If you don't apologize this instant, blah blah blah blah make your life miserable!"

Rico

Serenity said:

@Rico ; Do you mind saying how old you are?  My husband's doing supplemental T, but is not responding as well.  I'm thinking because he's older and also he's overweight.  Of course it's harder to lose weight when you're low T, so catch22.  He's lifting weights and working out trying to offset things.

Well, my situation isn't typical... I had testicular cancer at 30, which necessitated the removal of ol' Righty.  Between that and the chemo, my T production was compromised.

Serenity

@Rico ; ouch    It's great that you're responding so well to the T therapy!

Rico said:

Well, my situation isn't typical... I had testicular cancer at 30, which necessitated the removal of ol' Righty.  Between that and the chemo, my T production was compromised.

Linanati

@rico ; That has me wondering - do they have implants they put in after they remove a testicle?  I know women usually have implants after a mastectomy, but of course, breasts are a lot more visible than balls.  If they don't have that available, they should.  I'm sure that's something that would make a lot of men feel better afterwards.

Rico

Yes, prosthetics exist.  But it's never bothered me one way or the other.

Linanati

@Rico

Glad you're doing well after all that.  Stay healthy!

Rico

Linanati said:

@Rico

Glad you're doing well after all that.  Stay healthy!

Thanks!  Got my 10 year cancerversary coming up next year.

Im_a_Man

my 2 cents

1) BIG RED FLAG -  I'm concerned that you do not orgasm with your husband. This would be a huge turn off for me. Making a female orgasm feels great for a man and its part of having a super exciting experience. Perhaps you have some issues that need exploring? And/or your husband does not know how to stimulate you to orgasm. Can you show him how you jill-off and have the big O? Make this problem about you and tell him you need to learn how to orgasm with him. You need his help. Guys like fixing stuff.

Later, once you start having orgasms with him...

2) Talk about his fantasies and get plenty of detail. This will give you something to work with. Perhaps suggest he find some porn that you can watch together. ...ask him if the threesome was with you two and one other women what would he make you do?

3) I wonder if you're husband sees you as emotionally needy. You stated his angry outburst was unacceptable and he seemed to accept that...so...that's not enough? He agreed with you. I expect he thinks you have forgiven him and he does not need to apologize. If you want him to apologize its best you tell him now so he knows for next time.

#1 is the big issue here. Passive/Aggressive on your part? I want lots of sex but won't cum.

Seems he is failing at alpha sex and when he gets alpha angry you want him to become beta boy and apologize.

Templar

A couple comments
-SOMETHING is bothering him that keeps him at the constant simmer, if little things bring him to a boil and make him explode. It may be work, finances, family (include parents, siblings, etc).
-Is there any chance he is having an affair? That sounds odd to ask, but a few guys I have know acting similar to what you describe when they were cheating on their wives.
-Try initiating outside of the bedroom - i.e. (when kids in bed)unzip his pants in the living room and give him a vigorous, enthusiastic BJ.
-When he does something you like, do you comment to him afterward? Something simple to start - That was amaaaaazing, You can do that to me allllll night. If you have done that without sex, try the "harder, fuck me baby" route during sex. At first he may be surprised but for many men, if will get a hard rod even stiffer and make them go with gusto - and remember it afterward.
-Low T can really be the issue - as Athol always says - rule out medical problems first!

Good luck! Stay positive and left your love and desire for him buoy you when things aren't working!

Templar

Instead of "If you have done that without sex" it should say "If you have done that without any effect"

Bagelmeister

desperatehousewife, I'm new on here, but a few quick thoughts-

1) Agree with previous comments re: T. Even if he can't get a scrip, diet and exercise might be a help here. Also, what are his sleep and alcohol consumption like? Finally, people have been known to stock up on romantic holidays to warm, sunny countries with more relaxed pharmacies.

2) Regarding orgasms during sex, this is easy to fix. 75% of women don't orgasm from penetration alone- that is where a helping hand (yours or his) or a fun battery-powered friend could be extremely helpful. I am a huge fan of vibrators that can be used hands-free during sex, such as the We-vibe 3 http://www.amazon.com/We-Vibe-Wireless-Vibrator-Couples/dp/B00BQK8AXC/ref=sr_1_15?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1389932730&sr=1-15&keywords=we-vibe. Check it out- I can't say enough great things about this toy! If you or he feel like he "should" be able to make you come hands-free, that is something to work on getting over- it just doesn't happen that way for many women, and if he controls the We-vibe remote, he can still feel "in control" of your pleasure, if that is a thing he needs...

3) Fantasies of his that can't be realized in the bedroom can still be enjoyed. Try talking with him about all the things he wants to do with you and another hot girl of his preferred ethnicity- this may get him just as turned out as an actual threesome- probably more, since your fantasy 3rd won't hang around awkwardly after you finish.

4) If he likes vanilla sex and you like it a bit kinkier, ask him to try alternating- one time he gets vanilla, the next time you get a spanking. If you have fun treats to offer him on his nights, like talking dirty about a three-way times, all the better!

5) Have you tried reading sexy stories together? This is something that has worked for us at times.

6) Do you two ever go social dancing? A night of salsa or blues dancing (or lessons) where you dance with each other and with other partners can be a great way to rub up against him in a place where he can't immediately escalate to sex, plus an opportunity to safely spark a little sperm competition- there is no threat to the relationship, but he gets to see other men desiring you.

Hope some of this is helpful! You deserve to be desired.