fantacizing about someone else, not my husband

nottoobad

I found this blog & forum when I was struggling with desire for sex 9 months after my first child's birth. The birth is now almost 2.5 years ago.  We have gone from no sex for those first 8 months post-partum, to 2-5 times per month now.  General info on me is that I'm healthy, in good shape and have a good self-image of myself (ie I don't feel like I look worse post baby--I actually weigh a little less now that I did before I got pregnant) I am in my early 30s.  So here is the weird thing--I have been having intense sexy dreams at night, super-turned-on dreams and yet I wake up and still don't roll my husband over and try an initiate...The dreams are always about other men, most often one that I know, but don't really talk to - just pass from time to time, and sometimes are made up people.  Anyone have any suggestions? I'd love to transfer this sex-energy in my dreams into my waking life.  I can't figure out if its that I'm not that physically attracted to my husband anymore (he has lots of amazing Beta and some good alpha - does lots of physical impressive stuff around the house) but he didn't lose HIS baby-weight at all and has been gaining more   So ladies, Is there something I can do to translate this to the man I'd like to feel more ramped up about??

bartmaxum

I am not an FO but the answer seems obvious....you are not attracted to your H because of his weight. Sounds crass put that way, but it is the root of things or you wouldn't have brought that up the way you did. Need to get him into the gym and lifting wieghts, that should help with your attractin issues, then those sexy dreams can translate into some real fun.  

Obviously he doesn't have the inclination to get him into the gym...so how do you get him there. Does he know about MMSL, would he be receptive? Do you regularly go to the gym, could you bring him along? You ramping up your game might get him to follow suit. Good luck!

nottoobad

Thank you! Back when I went to the gym regularly I couldn't get him to go (over 4 years ago now). He prefers non-traditional types of exercize I guess, like riding his bike.  His office has free access to a cross-fit style gym which coworkers attend at lunch time but he always has excuses for why he doesn't go.  I have wondered if its just the weight, but I hate to think that's true! How could I be that shallow?

nottoobad

@seriously Maybe I should start one!

TheatreMommy

nottoobad said:

Thank you! Back when I went to the gym regularly I couldn't get him to go (over 4 years ago now). He prefers non-traditional types of exercize I guess, like riding his bike.  His office has free access to a cross-fit style gym which coworkers attend at lunch time but he always has excuses for why he doesn't go.  I have wondered if its just the weight, but I hate to think that's true! How could I be that shallow?

It's not shallow, it's chemical. He needs MMSL. It's good you came here theis early on in things. You're getting a lot of oxytocin bonding (a healthy reaction to his beta behaviours), but he's probably not balancing it with his alpha frame. The alpha makes the dopamyne (sp?) response happen, and that makes the sexy feelings.  Read Athol's blog. Get the primer. share it with him.

But don't take my word, cuz I"m not a very successful FO. Take me more as a ... warning...

PhoenixDown

Society tells you it's shallow, but it really isn't. Fat is unattractive and exudes a sense of weakness, because he has no self control to fix it. that's just the way it is. 

ernestern

I am in a similar situation with my own very overweight wife.  My advice: talk to him about it - sooner than later.  If you don't, you will may lead down a dark path until temptation finally overcomes you.  

Tiger

Attraction is not a choice, that's part of the red pill.  You can't choose to be attracted to that nice stable man because he would make a good husband. You can't choose to be attracted to your current overweight husband when the man that you were originally attracted to was slimmer, healthy, and fit. That does not mean that you don't love and care for him, but it will make you less likely to want to jump his bones.

I think you need to talk to him about it.  Find a way to make it positive.  Maybe something along the lines of "Now that I'm losing my baby weight, I'd like to have that slim sexy husband back, what can I do to help you be motivated to exercise and drop some weight?"

When was the last time you gave your husband a blow job?  Maybe this can be motivation for both of you to try something new

Alice_Faye

@nottoobad please do not think that you are shallow for not being attracted to excess fat...most people are not. I think you need to have an honest talk with him about losing the weight.

Serenity

It is not shallow to be attracted to a healthy, fit, muscular husband; it's biology.

Recommend you buy and read the Primer so you understand attraction and how it works.

bartmaxum

@nottobad said...How could I be that shallow......

I am glad so many peple chimed in after me....that is blue pill and basically not true. Attraction is not something you can control, in fact the key is that he controls your attraction to him  and being overwieght is the number one show stopper. By way of example, I have lost 25 pounds (6'2" and 195 lbs) in the last 4 months and now I am am lean, fit, muscular and in the best shape of my life. Once I reached the 10 pound mark my wife started to notice and since then comments regularly and intiates sex based on her observation about how good my arms look, or how strong my legs are....this had made a huge difference for us and all i have to do is run for 30 mintues and lift for 30,  five days a week. So our happiness factor goes up and all i have to commit is 5 hours a week! My wife is completely unaware of my MAP or why i lost the weight but she is enjoying it quite a bit and has stopped wondering about it. Her attraction is up and she made no chices about it...your will go up to, you cannot will it to happen or not to happen...biology!

x1134x

I think something has been missed here or at least not stated:

Even if your husband was his original pre-pregnancy weight, you could and probably would STILL have these "attractions" to other healthy males.  This is the wiring of your body, and the thing other members are saying "you can't control".   You as a female, are HYPERGAMOUS.  Your body is programmed to seek out better and better sources of DNA to make children with.  Now that you've bred with this one, your mind is just GOING to start considering if it can't locate something BETTER.  

Now you see FIT as BETTER.  That's the part you somehow think is "shallow"?  When you think of it in the context of what sex is really for (making future offspring) it doesn't seem "shallow" to think fit is better than unfit, it seems OBVIOUS.  Who would even argue against that?  Any argument for considering the less fit person is a social argument, not an evolutionary one.

You're realizing you're a creature.  An animal.  A body.  A machine.  The idea that you have control of everything you feel and desire is a blue-pill myth.  The only thing you can control is your actions.

Work on your husband-goggles.  Take these men you're seeing in passing and take a little time to study them.  Something should pop out to you as "not good for breeding".  Moles, a woman's butt, long torso-short legs, uneven ears, etc.  You'll find something worse than "carrries some baby weight".  Even *I* can do that.

For working out expectations.  If you have some fantasy about him deciding to take up cross-fit, please punt on that idea.  He sounds like a guy that would never get on an treadmill, but would play his buddy in raquetball until he's panting like a dog and covered in sweat because he doesn't want to "lose" on some meaningless score tally.  Right?  Encourage him to go hang out with friends who do physical stuff, and encourage him to get back to old eating habits he had when he was skinnier.  

Your hypergamy will NEVER go away.  Just as mine and your husbands polygamy will NEVER go away.  The only difference between the two is men's polygamy makes them seek better partners in addition, where female hypegamy makes you seek a better partner instead.

If I had a nickel for every time I was told by my wife that with a little work I could "look like ______(insert movie star)", I'd be a wealthy man.  "Didn't I just drop 3 percentage points of body fat, and add 15lbs of muscle?"  Yes, I did.  But I can always get BETTER.

The trick of the MAP is that it triggers the hypergamy of women.  Women see a guy who's BETTER BREEDING MATERIAL than they had before, and amazingly enough, they want that.  So the Home Depot motto of "never stop improving" is the anthem of the married man wanting to keep sexual interest.  

The "blue pill" thought process says that you can just be the same you and always be loved and found attractive for it.  Its a fallacy.

bartmaxum

@x1134x

Awesome, thanks!

nottoobad

Everyone, wow. Thanks for helping me not to feel like a total jerk!
Your insights are really helpful. I really love the suggestions of trying to see the other dudes from more "angles" knowing I will probably uncover some UN-breeding friendly traits. Will have to try that!
We talked about it and luckily he didn't accuseme of bring shallow and agreed his weight is an issue! Yay! He is familiar w the primer, but hasn't read it ...seems to avoid it :-(
Update, @tiger, tried the bj offer...said try it like 3x, I will give bj reward each time, and if you hate it, stop going. My offer worked! 24 hrs later he has tried the crossfit, and, shocker, he loves it! I will let you know if he sticks to it!

leila

Thanks for this post, I have this problem too, but I am finding it very hard to motivate my overweight unmotivated husband to do anything, I actually think he may think he's in great shape. :-S

nottoobad

Hi everyone! Week 2, Monday and he worked out again! He admitted that the promise of a bj was very motivating (i haven't done them ina while since his belly was getting in the way). So far so good...still sometimes think about random guy, but less so in the last week.......

nottoobad

leila said:

Thanks for this post, I have this problem too, but I am finding it very hard to motivate my overweight unmotivated husband to do anything, I actually think he may think he's in great shape. :-S

Can you offer or withhold sexual "favors"?

leila

I am thinking of that after having read some more of what Athol has to say.....I think I will have to because I don't really want to have sex with him anymore.....I really feel like nstead of forcing myself too that I should just go with how I feel but I am finding that very difficult after beings nice girl for so long