Just discovered my son was looking at porn

Fleur

I was going through my browsing history to find a techy site I visited recently and found some links to some porn.  The times match when my son was over for the weekend so I know it has to be him.

It was nothing freaky, mostly just topless photos.  I guess my son's a boob man...

Anyway, I'm going to need to talk to him about this.  Any idea's on how to approach it?  I'm really not sure how I feel about it right now.

Pesty

have you not already talked to him about sex, on a regular basis. 

please don't have the one conversation about the birds and the bees.. it needs to be an ongoing thing where you build trust and let him know that it's OK to talk about it with you. 

If he can't trust, he won't talk 

Serenity

We've gone through this with 3 different sons so far, the most recent being about 4 weeks ago. Biggest piece of advice:

Don't Shame Him

2nd, 3rd and 4th pieces of advice:

Don't shame him, don't shame him, don't shame him.

This is one of the best times you'll ever have for building trust with your son.

How old is he and I can give you more specifics.

Fleur

@Serenity, he's 14 so I'm not surprised he has an interest in girls.

@Pesty, we've had a few conversations about sex in a fairly general way.  This wouldn't be the first time sex is brought up, but it would be the first conversation about viewing porn on my computer.

Pesty

does he have an uncle.. maybe like this.. 

Pesty

14 yrs old.. that was when I started thinking the girls looked good and started to rub it out before bedtime. 

Fleur

Pesty said:

14 yrs old.. that was when I started thinking the girls looked good and started to rub it out before bedtime. 

That just reminded me to wash the sheets when I get home.

Serenity

Okay, my son is also 14. The approach we took was that the interest is completely normal and good. That even grown men struggle with the temptation to watch porn, but that just like eating junk food is tempting, but can really damage your health, so can watching porn. And especially masturbating while watching porn.

We went into the science behind it and how it can re-wire your brain. We gave a lot of stats and I shared the experiences of some of the guys (and women) on this Forum who have been hurt by porn. We approached it from a purely biological, health standpoint.

These conversations took place on multiple occasions and weren't all heavy, lecture type of interactions. Over the last several weeks, he's opened up to us and talked to us about how much his friends view porn (rampant amongst the 14 year old set, btw). We've talked about how he felt while watching it, whether he masturbated while watching, how he felt about the different sex acts he saw, etc.

He was especially surprised that people have oral sex, btw. He said, "But Mom, penises are dirty. I can't believe a girl would put that in her mouth." So that gave us a great platform to let him know that oral sex is okay and not dirty.

If your son has regular access to the web at his dad's, then assume that he's viewing regularly and that the links you saw are the tip of the iceberg. Don't trust him not to watch again because the temptation is just too much for a 14 year old to withstand.

There are a lot of ways you can increase supervision to prevent him looking at porn. We installed On Line Family Norton (which is a free service), but more importantly, we don't allow him to have a laptop and the only computer he can use is in a central area of the house and is password protected. (The 3 times my son watched were occasions where my husband inadvertently left his own laptop out in the living room at night. My son actually got up at midnight after we were in bed to look at porn. These kids are tricky. lol)

Of course, in your case, you'll have to coordinate the supervision efforts with your ex.

The temptation to look is so strong for a guy. My college age son and I were talking about it not that long ago, and he still has to fight the temptation. My high school son told me recently that we need to keep the On Line Family Norton in place for him because he doesn't trust himself not to watch.

Anyway........... this is a great opportunity to draw closer to your son and build trust and help him keep his sexuality healthy.

This is the book we've used with our sons. It's faith based, and has good information in it about the brain's wiring.

http://www.amazon.com/Wired-Intimacy-Pornography-Hijacks-Brain/dp/0830837000

TK421

I remember when my dad found some of my porn when I was about 16. It was one of those Penthouse videos. He seemed confused that I had it, and concerned. He gave me a talk about how the women in those videos are not typical women, and that they are deeply distrubed and that this is not the way to look at women in general. I was definitely ashamed.  

Fleur

Thank you @Serenity, that's really helpful.  You're right I'm going to need to talk to my ex-h about it too.  See if we can get on the same page.

I don't want to shame him, he's probably overflowing with hormones and can't help but want to look at girls.  But him viewing porn does make me uneasy.

It sounds like you've had positive talks with your sons.  I'm going to try to use that as a model for talking to mine.

Serenity

BigSisterBear said:

Pesty said:

14 yrs old.. that was when I started thinking the girls looked good and started to rub it out before bedtime. 

That just reminded me to wash the sheets when I get home.

I know you're joking somewhat here, but this is the stuff you need to be careful about. He needs to understand that his semen is not some yucky, toxic substance that needs to be cleaned up immediately.

Not trying to be critical, just saying that as his mom, you have a lot of power over how he views his own bodily processes.

ETA:  Oh, and make sure you talk to him about wet dreams. Call them nocturnal emissions if that makes it easier. Some kids think there's something wrong with them when they have their first wet dream. One guy I read actually thought he might have cancer, but was too embarrassed to ask his parents about it. How sad is that?

Louise

BigSisterBear said:

I was going through my browsing history to find a techy site I visited recently and found some links to some porn.  The times match when my son was over for the weekend so I know it has to be him.

It was nothing freaky, mostly just topless photos.  I guess my son's a boob man...

Anyway, I'm going to need to talk to him about this.  Any idea's on how to approach it?  I'm really not sure how I feel about it right now.

Unless he was looking at something that showed an illegal activity, I would probably ignore it. I imagine nowadays most teenage boys look at porn.

Fleur

Serenity said:

BigSisterBear said:

Pesty said:

14 yrs old.. that was when I started thinking the girls looked good and started to rub it out before bedtime. 

That just reminded me to wash the sheets when I get home.

I know you're joking somewhat here, but this is the stuff you need to be careful about. He needs to understand that his semen is not some yucky, toxic substance that needs to be cleaned up immediately.

Not trying to be critical, just saying that as his mom, you have a lot of power over how he views his own bodily processes.

@Serenity You're right, I was joking but it's a good reminder of how even innocent, joking or off-hand comments can have a negative affect on people.

Athol_Kay

Actually if you shame him just right, he'll wash his own sheets.  :-P

picard

Louise said:

Unless he was looking at something that showed an illegal activity, I would probably ignore it. I imagine nowadays most teenage boys look at porn.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

willie

Agree with the "don't shame". It will be really embarassing for him to talk with you about this. You might point him at yourbrainonporn.com - good, nonjudgemental information.

Tiger

Also keep in mind that all the stuff you read on these forums about guys having to go cold turkey on porn is because like most things porn can be used both responsibly and irresponsibly.  Like alcohol 95% of the people who use it are able to manage it within the context of a normal life, but the small percentage who cannot manage it and allow it to damage their relationships are what you hear about.

The odds are that if you do nothing he will be fine, you can absolutely do better than that, but don't go overboard.  In my opinion Serenity's approach is overly protective.

And hey, at least you know he likes girls

GeekyGuyAZ

It has been a really strange journey with my kids and sex. Being an IT person I could have locked down the internet or their computers. Personally though I believe sex is healthy and curiosity is normal so I wanted to find a way to have a sex positive education to them.

1. My oldest is autistic so basically it had to be black and white of what was appropriate or inappropriate(can't play with himself in front of his siblings for example). There really wasn't much of a way to have a conversation.

2. My youngest son is now 20. In high school he wanted us to a sign a permission slip so he didn't have to take health class because he was worried he would laugh and giggle during talks of sex in class. I had of course found porn on his computer. Apparently he like anime porn like his mother. In another thread I mentioned how much a like they were. He has moved out on his own and he has had sex at least twice. We know this because he had to tell us. It seems we went wrong though somewhere. The whole discussion of relationships and involvement with someone on an intimate level seems like it was lost. Philosophical discussion just doesn't seem easy with him. *sigh*

3. Oldest daughter is 16: She has been more receptive to hearing what we have to say. We have told her that only she can decide when she wants to be active. She hasn't seemed to have any boys she has been into and she isn't very social. We keep condoms in the bathroom and we have showed her how to use them. Periodically we chat about what our feelings are about relationships but we don't get so much back from her.

4. Youngest daughter is 15. She is our wild one. Thankfully she is also a little more communicative. She is very emotional and so the whole relationship side of discussions resonates more with her. We have told her that we believe sex and love are not the same thing. It is okay to have premarital sex and explore but it is important to know how to protect yourself from pregnancy and disease. She is currently in health class over the summer and she seems at least more open to the conversation.

One thing I have done is try to make sex positive materials available for them. I have the Joy of Sex and More Joy of Sex books in the house the bookshelf in the living room. I have made sure they know they are there. I think the one sex is presented in those books is a really positive view. 

Depending on how your communications are with your child and their maturity it may be really tricky to have some of the more philosophical aspects of sex and relationships with them. But I think at least acknowledging it in a positive way will go far.

Fleur

Tiger said:

Also keep in mind that all the stuff you read on these forums about guys having to go cold turkey on porn is because like most things porn can be used both responsibly and irresponsibly.  Like alcohol 95% of the people who use it are able to manage it within the context of a normal life, but the small percentage who cannot manage it and allow it to damage their relationships are what you hear about.

The odds are that if you do nothing he will be fine, you can absolutely do better than that, but don't go overboard.  In my opinion Serenity's approach is overly protective.

And hey, at least you know he likes girls

Okay, catching up here.  I can't believe I put work and lunch ahead of this board

If I do nothing, sure the odds are that he probably won't have a problem, and maybe I am thinking about being overly protective.  But it's really important to me that he has a healthy attitude towards sex.  I was introduced at far too early an age in a very inappropriate way, and while my son wasn't abused I know the lasting effects negative views on sex can have.  Just trying to be a good parent.

Captaindude

@Serenity  Thanks for the book tip.  I'm getting it.  I have three teenage boys.  

I also like yourbrainonporn.org.

Totally agree on not shaming.  But it's too late--he's already mortified by the fact that you saw him.   So, now you have to love him, show understanding that you're glad he's healthy and normal, and then get to the point where you can share information about the effects.  

If at all possible, it would be good if you can get an adult male to visit with him about growing up.  An uncle, his father, or another good male role model for him who has the kind of guts of the guy in @pesky 's video, but with less enthusiasm and encouragement, that would be ideal.  

The shame issue can be very tough, especially for a mother in a highly conservative religious culture--because she hears all the time about how bad and prevalent porn is, she's almost panicked about it, but she doesn't understand  the male sex drive at all.  Usually, she does more harm than good in trying to address the issue.

One helpful tool for understanding is The Male Brain by LouAnn Brizendine, M.D.  Highlights:   "The male brain has an area for sexual pursuit 2.5 times larger than the female brain's, perpetuating a virtually endless loop of sexual thoughts and impulses."   A "testosterone tsunami" floods the teen boys body with 20 times as much testosterone as he had before age 9.   "The sexual preoccupation is like a large-screen TV in a sports bar--always on in the background."  

So--even if they don't look at porn, a religious boy is ALREADY walking around continually ashamed if they hear religious teaching that  thinking about sex or feeling arousal is bad.  

Yet--they're healthy, GOOD, and normal for having those feelings.  Just have to learn to manage them, just like anything else.  

I disagree with @geekyguyAZ 's approach that only the kid can can decide when to have sex.  Extensive scientific research and many ancient religious traditions have shown that sex outside of marriage is dangerous and harmful, even if no one gets pregnant.  I believe you can be very clear that sex is most rewarding and helpful when reserved for marriage and causes lots of problems before.  Sure, it's a kid's decision, but you can be very clear what the right and best decision is.

In the background, I like opendns  for a filtering program that limits access at your router--before it even gets to your computer.  We also use k9 web filtering, have our password-protected computer in a central location, AND we physically unplug the wireless router and stuff it in our bed in our room every night.  

Monkeys_Uncle

I think there is absolutely no way a 14-year-old boy's mom can talk to him about this without it being a shaming experience for the boy.  To some extent, that's OK.  I think shame gets a bad rap, by and large, and isn't utilized enough anymore.

On the other hand... (strike that, bad metaphor)

If dad or uncle or gramps or some other guy can talk to him about this, that is the way to go. It's just too awkward a thing to discuss with your mother.  As a young man I had a mother who wanted me to be open with her about my sex life and sexuality... it was a horrible, humiliating, gut-wrenching thing that still makes my stomach churn to think about it.   I eventually became resentful.   (she would put boxes of condoms in my sock drawer... and I would take them out two or three at a time and toss them in the trashcan at school so that it appeared I was having a lot of sex, but if she asked me about it I'd just tell her I kept losing them... it drove her nuts and made me whole again all at the same time). 

Boys can't speak openly with their mothers about their hormonal desire to ejaculate from sun-up to sun-down.   The best they can do is lie to their mothers in a convincing and placating way about how they would never objectify women like that.

If your son doesn't live with you day in and day out, you can't control his porn usage to any appreciable degree.  Just put some kind of blocking software on your network if you don't want him viewing it at your house.