Just discovered my son was looking at porn

Britguy68

Yep don't shame him but I would block it, it's the slippery slope to addiction. look up Open DNS as a quick free method to stop porn viewing in your home. That's what I've done, it's not too hard, and I doubt a techie 14 year old would figure out how to circumvent it.

Fleur

@MILF_in_training, I know how you feel on this.  I don't exactly trust my ex to give him good guidance on sex.

Right now he's more or less full time with his dad until school is out, then I have him full time for the summer so it's going to become primarily my issue for a time. 

Lot's of time to spend with each other again (yea!) and talk the best we can.  Just not exactly sure how I want to do things.  I love all the viewpoints here though, gives me lots to think about.

Britguy68 said:

Yep don't shame him but I would block it, it's the slippery slope to addiction. look up Open DNS as a quick free method to stop porn viewing in your home. That's what I've done, it's not too hard, and I doubt a techie 14 year old would figure out how to circumvent it.

@Britguy68, I'll take a look at that but I wouldn't be surprised if he knows a way around it, in fact I'm pretty sure I know how he'd do it.  He's very good with computers and networking.  Just like his mom

Tiger

BigSisterBear said:

If I do nothing, sure the odds are that he probably won't have a problem, and maybe I am thinking about being overly protective.  But it's really important to me that he has a healthy attitude towards sex.  I was introduced at far too early an age in a very inappropriate way, and while my son wasn't abused I know the lasting effects negative views on sex can have.  Just trying to be a good parent.

None of the buttons seemed to have the right response.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, to be clear I was not advocating doing nothing simply saying that would not be the worst result.  I agree with you that opening the dialog and communication about sex is a great thing to do, and he's old enough and mature enough to start having those conversations. Remember, I was the one who told you it was time for "the talk" about a month ago

Tiger

Captaindude said:

I disagree with @geekyguyAZ 's approach that only the kid can can decide when to have sex.  Extensive scientific research and many ancient religious traditions have shown that sex outside of marriage is dangerous and harmful, even if no one gets pregnant.  I believe you can be very clear that sex is most rewarding and helpful when reserved for marriage and causes lots of problems before. Sure, it's a kid's decision, but you can be very clear what the right and best decision is.  

I think the message that sex outside of marriage is always bad is missing one very important point. Marriage is a sexual relationship, and you absolutely need to make certain that you are sexually compatible before you get married.  The only way to do that is to have some understanding of what your sexual compatibility is with this person, and that your needs and desires for sex are compatible with theirs. You cannot determine if this person will be a good spouse if you have not had sex with them prior to marriage.

Having said that, I think that it is best to learn about sex from inside a long term caring and committed relationship.  I simply disagree that marriage is the only relationship that meets that standard.

Fleur

Remember, I was the one who told you it was time for "the talk" about a month ago

@Tiger, yep, and we've had some light conversations about sex since then.  He knows I have sex with my BF.

Maybe this isn't so different and just another aspect of sexuality that needs to be addressed, but talking about him looking at porn feels really different than me talking about sex between consenting adults.

Tiger

Have you talked to your BF about his porn use as a teen and while he was single?  You consider him a good man and respect his decisions.  I think it may be a good way for you to get a male perspective.

I get that it's uncomfortable, it forces you to deal with his sexuality in the here and now and not as some distant thing.

qwerty3656

My 2-cents.  Porn is additive and progressive.  You should block it.  Read Dobson's book "Bringing up Boys".  Dobson does say that you should tell your boys that masturbation is not a big deal.   

Fleur

Tiger said:

Have you talked to your BF about his porn use as a teen and while he was single?  You consider him a good man and respect his decisions.  I think it may be a good way for you to get a male perspective.

I get that it's uncomfortable, it forces you to deal with his sexuality in the here and now and not as some distant thing.

@Tiger, I think that's a good idea.  I haven't talked to BF about it, but I think I will.  I'm not looking to pass this off to him though and I know that's not what you're suggesting.

Tiger

Nope, just information gathering from a trusted and reliable source.

One thing to consider as you gather data is that the Internet makes access to porn much different now than when anyone our age was a teen or young single.

GeekyGuyAZ

Well I think the whole concept of marriage is something that is not given enough discussion. The world is not the same place it was 100 a years ago. People live dramatically longer. The purpose of marriage has changed. Marriage did not originate out of love and romance. It was to strategically tie families together in the upper classes. For the lower classes it was to create a partnership that could produce children and maintain a household. Now two people getting married are not doing it out of necessity but out of desire. 

In telling my daughters that they can only decide when they are sexually active that leaves open communication. I can' t imagine waiting until you get married to have sex and then what if they suck as a lover?

I respect everyone has personal beliefs. Mine are pretty liberal and I am attempting as a parent to engage my kids into thinking more about what a relationship means including the sexual part. 

What I have found interesting is my circle of friends we are all pretty open and liberal sexually and our children as they have gotten to this age have seemed to be rather prudish. No young pregnancies. Two got married young in my opinion(20 years old) but no children. Not a scientific study for sure but it has been interesting.

We figure teach them how to prevent disease and pregnancy and let them make their own decisions. If they want to do bad things or be irresponsible they will be. The best we can hope for is to encourage them to make better decisions.

Fleur

So I had an interesting discussion with BF last night about porn.  He's not surprised my son is looking and thinks it's probably not a big deal depending on how much he does it.  If it's hours a day with lots of masturbation it should be addressed, a bit here and there he doesn't see a big problem.  Well, that's kinda up in the air isn't it? I have no idea how much. 

BF also said it could affect his interactions with real girls too which may be an issue and I should watch that.  Some boys withdraw, some can overly sexualize women, it can go different ways.

I asked BF about him and porn.  He doesn't remember exactly how old, but probably before 14.  Him and his friends used to sneak into his dad's workshop and go through his stack of playboys and penthouses.  Curiosity and all that.

I asked if he still looks at it, and he said occasionally when we're not together.  I guess I was a little surprised by that but not hurt.  We have a very active sex life so it doesn't seem to be an issue but it's something to put in the back of my mind and think about if things go south in the future.

We talked about what kind of porn he watches, what kind my son was looking at, and even the types of books I read.  Good talk.  Then after all the sex talk, well, we had sex.

So anyway.  I just need to keep my eyes open like a good parent and make sure this doesn't become a problem for my son. 

Fleur

@GeekyGuyAZ, you seem more liberal than I am, but I'm not going to say sex only belongs in a marriage.  That would be rather hypocritical of me as I'm not married and have a health sex life.  I want to focus on responsibility.  Thank you for your thoughts.

@Tiger, thank you for your thoughts as well, I would have talked to BF about it eventually I think, but you gave me a good reminder.

@CaptainDude, I don't really disagree with you.  I think sex in marriage is the ideal, but if it happens outside of marriage I would like it to be in a committed relationship.  I don't want to promote casual or promiscuous behaviour in regards to sex.

Athol_Kay

BigSisterBear said:

I asked BF about him and porn.  He doesn't remember exactly how old, but probably before 14.  Him and his friends used to sneak into his dad's workshop and go through his stack of playboys and penthouses.  Curiosity and all that.

I asked if he still looks at it, and he said occasionally when we're not together.  I guess I was a little surprised by that but not hurt.  We have a very active sex life so it doesn't seem to be an issue but it's something to put in the back of my mind and think about if things go south in the future.

We talked about what kind of porn he watches, what kind my son was looking at, and even the types of books I read.  Good talk.  Then after all the sex talk, well, we had sex.

It's one of those things where it's "not a problem until it's a problem".

That being said, Playboy and Penthouse magazines from 1990 just are in no way as powerful as internet porn is. So the problem aspect can quickly escalate.

 

BetaGeek

The Sears catalog lingerie and bra section was my Internet...  Kids have it easy these days.

Serenity

Tiger said:

Also keep in mind that all the stuff you read on these forums about guys having to go cold turkey on porn is because like most things porn can be used both responsibly and irresponsibly.  Like alcohol 95% of the people who use it are able to manage it within the context of a normal life, but the small percentage who cannot manage it and allow it to damage their relationships are what you hear about.

The odds are that if you do nothing he will be fine, you can absolutely do better than that, but don't go overboard.  In my opinion Serenity's approach is overly protective.

And hey, at least you know he likes girls

Here's the problem. Previous generations grew up with print porn. It was difficult to obtain for a young teenager and limited by how many magazines you could fit under your bed without your mom finding out.

Those days are gone. Internet porn is the Coolidge Effect on steroids.  The first generation of guys who grew up with internet porn is just coming to adulthood, and problems caused by excessive porn use are increasing. We are just now seeing the tip of what I believe is a massive iceberg.

We actually have no idea if 95% of people can use internet porn responsibly, or if that number is actually 80%, 60%, 40% or 20%. What we have is a huge social experiment in progress with potentially devastating consequences to marriages.

It's quite simply a matter of dopamine overload and depleting the dopamine receptors in the brain. Here's an interesting link:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201009/intoxicating-behaviors-300-vaginas-lot-dopamine

Raspberry_rose

Also, and this is just correlation - Men of the pre-internet and post-internet porn generations treat women very differently. It's something I've been noticing more and more as I've gotten older and spent more time interacting with men of varying ages.
I don't know if it comes down to this, to a generational thing, the presence of psych drugs, Nirvana or what.
But there is a huge difference in the way they'll speak with me and with my girl friends. I'm having trouble putting my finger on the precise difference, but, to speak very broadly, the older crew likes women, the younger crew may like the benefits, but not women as women.
I know that correlation isn't causation, but this seems connected to me.

george

IMO there are two difference types of these activities kids find online. 1. Pictures. Magazines on steroids. 2. Sexting, chating, sending photos. I find #2 to be most alarming and, given the way text+ and instagram work, the hardest to shut down. anyone tried to uninstall these??? crazy. My son is not good on adult conversations, needlessly defiant most times. Just his immature personality. He'll outgorw it. Meanwhile we have several layers of internet blocking and ultimately decided that we wouldn't have wifi - just too many ipods, ipads, etc. This solved 80% of the problem. Otherwise it's like a drug addict living in a poppy field.....

TooEarlyTooLate

I found this thread looking for insight on how to handle my own 14 year old boy.  My "good girl" wife is completely freaked out by all of this and regularly shames my son grounding and punishing for transgressions.  That just does not feel right to me but to her point "we have to do something".  Do we?  We have filters to stop all the real porn but google images are impossible to stop it seems.  We have filters on our router and via Apple services.  
If he had girl friends or girl interactions it would be one thing but I am very concerned as he seems anti-social and has no interest in really meeting girls but can't stop looking at pictures.  Do we continue to try and stop him?  We have had several conversations but admittedly I am not there and he has a better relationship with his mom about his body than with me. I am not sure why, other than just her being there more to talk with just him instead of as a family.  Anyway, I wanted to resurrect this thread to see if one has any other suggestions in the last two years.   

beribboned

Here's a sample size of three. My brothers and I grew up looking at and reading internet pornography (not together, privately) and we have good sexual relationships and vastly prefer sex over pornography. I'm the only non-vanilla one and it wasn't pornography that made me non-vanilla. My tastes have stayed stubborn and steady not escalating. If anything pornography cleaned things up for me a bit. 

soa2005

My dad discovered my search history on the family computer when I was a teenager. He very calmly told me that if he ever found those disturbing images again he would show them to my mother (hardcore movies, not topless pics or something similar).To this day I'm still embarrassed when I think about it and I thank God he didn't involve my mom. Also, I never searched for porn on the family computer again. 

@TooEarlyTooLate
I can understand your wife freaking out but obviously it's not working. The fact that your son seems anti social and doesn't show an interest in meeting real girls makes me agree with your wife that you guys have to do something. 

If your wife talking to him isn't working then I think you need to step in. Depending on your upbringing, religious beliefs, moral compass etc there are a bunch of different ways you could go about this.

For example we're Catholic so while my dad didn't mention God or the Church ,during our discussion , I'm sure that's where he was coming from.