Alpha or Abuse?

Xander

I'll make this short and sweet.

My sister is having marital issues with her husband. There is no talk of divorce yet, but i'm afraid it is coming. She likes to come to me for advice, but I am torn on what to tell her. I told her about MMSL, book, forum, etc. She knows that I'm posting this question here.

My sister and I have been planning a weekend trip to a music concert, just her and I. We invited her husband to join us, but responded, and I quote, "That shit's retarded, only children go to rock concerts. I aint ever doing that shit." or something along those lines. Than he forbid her to go, saying that if she were to leave she should just stay there (maybe a divorce threat? wouldn't be the first time he threatened that). My sister than responded that she will go regardless because he's not in charge of her (father like).

Some info. leading up to this that may or may not be important.

He is a recovering alcoholic who just recently got a DUI and is in danger of losing his CDL and corresponding job (been sober maybe a month or so..). He hasn't taken my sister out on a "date" in years. They have been married less than a year, but been together 6-7 or so. While drinking, sex was none existent, he just wasn't interested. He also degrades my sister, calling her "retarded, cunt, bitch" etc. Tho, this is stuff he said while drinking. Tho now sober, he is still saying these things, just not every night. He also won't show affection to her in public, no kissing, hand holding, etc. They are both is good physical shape and earn good wages, tho he does earn a bit more.

My sister isn't perfect either, but since I only hear her side of the story, it's difficult to stay unbiased. I do believe, she treats him much better than the other way around tho.

So my main question is, should my sister still go on this trip with me (its only for 2 nights and I'm paying for just about everything). Or should I recommend that she stay home to "obey" her husbands wishes. I don't want them to get a divorce over a concert, but than again I feel as if her husband might be more abusive than just a strong alpha. I feel that if she stays, she will be telling him that she is his bitch and willing to do any thing to stay with him.

They are both Christians and my sister claims she will never leave him because of that.

JohnGrey

Xander said:

 "That shit's retarded, only children go to rock concerts. I aint ever doing that shit." 

He sounds illiterate.

DaveBowman

Abuse. Guy sounds like he needs some sorting out.

JohnGrey

Okay, this guys isn't alpha - he's an asshole. The guys who MAP are trying to become strong leaders with integrity. This guy is just being a dick. If she wants to follow MMSL, she'll need to look at the Phase IV ultimatum. 

And check with your pastor: divorce is acceptable in christian marriages if the spouse isn't holding up their end of the covenant. A christian marriage doesn't mean this guy gets to get drunk and create situations that will cause him not support his family. It's a husband's duty to provide for and protect the family. Not be a dick.

Xander

Thanks for the input everyone. I agree that he is going to far. It's nice to hear it from a 3rd party to make sure i'm not making a biased decision.

The kicker about all this is that she still claims to love him because "hes not terrible ALL the time." sometimes hes nice to her and that seems to be enough for her.

Her husband is a real nice guy too in public. I've never SEEN him say something really bad to her while I'm around. Except for the concert thing of course, but that was him saying he didn't want to go. I've never heard him call my sister a cunt, etc.

Can someone recommend a good book for her to read in her situation? I've read the Primer, and I'm not sure if it will really help her since it's written more for men than women. Tho i think she could get some benefit from it, getting her to read is like pulling teeth. Or maybe should I recommend her getting some counseling? Any other ideas?

Thanks again!

_io

Hmmm.  She needs a book that shows you how to be the best version of yourself you can so you are in the best position possible to deal with the negative situations plaguing you, including the energy vampires in your life...  I feel like I just read something like this recently.   Oh yeah, it's called the Mindful Attraction Plan by Athol Kay.

Xander

Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to buy his new book, tho I have been needing to. Do you feel like it is more accessible to women now?

Athol_Kay

Get the new one @Xander ;  The Mindful Attraction Plan

It's tailor made for her.

 

Xander

Thanks, I will do that!

_io

Xander said:

Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to buy his new book, tho I have been needing to. Do you feel like it is more accessible to women now?

It's unisex.  

haniel

now i feel like this thread was just an advertisement trick.

Scarlet

Xander said:

Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to buy his new book, tho I have been needing to. Do you feel like it is more accessible to women now?

Yes.  For me, everything clicked into place. 

Friz

Xander said:

 He also degrades my sister, calling her "retarded, cunt, bitch" etc. Tho, this is stuff he said while drinking. Tho now sober, he is still saying these things, just not every night

That would be completely, totally and wholly unacceptable if my sister were concerned. No matter what my sister said, no matter how she felt, I would have a SERIOUS MAN TO MAN TALK WITH THIS ASSHOLE.
Anyone that talks to one of my family that way is going to be very, very uncomfortable in my presence for a long, long time.

2manypasswords

One should tread carefully re. having a serious man to man talk with the asshole.  He's physically fit & can apparently pass as "normal" in public, so there's more to this guy being a jerk than the booze - perhaps anti-social or borderline personality disorder.  Confronting him could result in worse abuse after the fact.

Giving the sister a recommended reading list is probably a waste of time.  She's using Jesus as an excuse to tolerate the intolerable & I'd suspect she has a history of dating men who are charity cases.  But if @Xander wants to recommend books anyway, I'd suggest "Confessions of a Sociopath" (don't remember the author's name) or "Inside the Criminal Mind" by Stanton Samenow. 

 

 

JellyBean

It is plain that your brother-in-law is abusive.  The more interesting question in my opinion is to you, @Xander: what was it about your upbringing that would make your sister think that accepting abusive treatment was expected and acceptable?

Athol_Kay

haniel said:

now i feel like this thread was just an advertisement trick.

@Jen_Kay ; wishes I was that thoughtful about advertising...    ;-)

JellyBean

Xander said:

They are both Christians

Why oh why do so many professed Christian behave so un-Christlike?

Insulting his wife, just like Jesus would have him do.

Geekengineer

Xander said:

I'll make this short and sweet.

My sister is having marital issues with her husband. There is no talk of divorce yet, but i'm afraid it is coming. She likes to come to me for advice, but I am torn on what to tell her. I told her about MMSL, book, forum, etc. She knows that I'm posting this question here.

My sister and I have been planning a weekend trip to a music concert, just her and I. We invited her husband to join us, but responded, and I quote, "That shit's retarded, only children go to rock concerts. I aint ever doing that shit." or something along those lines. Than he forbid her to go, saying that if she were to leave she should just stay there (maybe a divorce threat? wouldn't be the first time he threatened that). My sister than responded that she will go regardless because he's not in charge of her (father like).

Some info. leading up to this that may or may not be important.

He is a recovering alcoholic who just recently got a DUI and is in danger of losing his CDL and corresponding job (been sober maybe a month or so..). He hasn't taken my sister out on a "date" in years. They have been married less than a year, but been together 6-7 or so. While drinking, sex was none existent, he just wasn't interested. He also degrades my sister, calling her "retarded, cunt, bitch" etc. Tho, this is stuff he said while drinking. Tho now sober, he is still saying these things, just not every night. He also won't show affection to her in public, no kissing, hand holding, etc. They are both is good physical shape and earn good wages, tho he does earn a bit more.

My sister isn't perfect either, but since I only hear her side of the story, it's difficult to stay unbiased. I do believe, she treats him much better than the other way around tho.

So my main question is, should my sister still go on this trip with me (its only for 2 nights and I'm paying for just about everything). Or should I recommend that she stay home to "obey" her husbands wishes. I don't want them to get a divorce over a concert, but than again I feel as if her husband might be more abusive than just a strong alpha. I feel that if she stays, she will be telling him that she is his bitch and willing to do any thing to stay with him.

They are both Christians and my sister claims she will never leave him because of that.

Obviously, he is not espousing xtian ideals (be cool, don't be an asshole, etc.).  Just because someone goes to a church or professes some sort of faith in a deity does not mean they aren't a waste of skin.

She should dump this guy and find someone who treats her with love and respect.  I feel sorry for her, and I hope she can do what she needs to do.

Athol_Kay

JellyBean said:

Xander said:

They are both Christians

Why oh why do so many professed Christian behave so un-Christlike?

Insulting his wife, just like Jesus would have him do.

Well in fairness, there's limited reasons for shiny happy Christian marriages to show up here looking for help.

 

Serenity

Or shiny happy non-Christian marriages.  Kind of like being in a hospital and asking why there are so many unhealthy people in the world.

Athol_Kay said:

JellyBean said:

Xander said:

They are both Christians

Why oh why do so many professed Christian behave so un-Christlike?

Insulting his wife, just like Jesus would have him do.

Well in fairness, there's limited reasons for shiny happy Christian marriages to show up here looking for help.

 

TheatreMommy

@Xander, if your sister is going to be coming with you regardless of what he has to say, I would strongly request that you are prepared to be there for the potential fallout (oh fallout boy).

I think that she should go with you. And that, family/first officer concurring, you be prepared for her to stay longer. Separation is santioned in the bible for abusive situations. She wouldn't be required to divorce, but she could get help and encourage him to face his own demons.

Are there children involved? I may have missed that if there are... If not, I'd suggest helping her out of there. She might have a bit of denial happening.