Alpha or Abuse?

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Comments

  • kleyaukleyau Member Posts: 330
    edited July 2013
    Xander said:
    I'll make this short and sweet.

    My sister is having marital issues with her husband. There is no talk of divorce yet, but i'm afraid it is coming. She likes to come to me for advice, but I am torn on what to tell her. I told her about MMSL, book, forum, etc. She knows that I'm posting this question here.

    My sister and I have been planning a weekend trip to a music concert, just her and I. We invited her husband to join us, but responded, and I quote, "That shit's retarded, only children go to rock concerts. I aint ever doing that shit." or something along those lines.

    I could see myself saying something along those lines. Something like, "What, are you trying to test the age of consent laws in this state, or do you just want to eat some mushrooms?" To me it's the same as a grown man who posts pictures of his videogames on facebook, it's just not what adults do. Your mileage obviously varies, but his opinion isn't that far from a lot of men.

    Than he forbid her to go, saying that if she were to leave she should just stay there (maybe a divorce threat? wouldn't be the first time he threatened that). My sister than responded that she will go regardless because he's not in charge of her (father like).

    It seems like there are lot more issues her than just the concert, and this is too early in her MAP to enter Phase 5. 

    Some info. leading up to this that may or may not be important.

    He is a recovering alcoholic who just recently got a DUI and is in danger of losing his CDL and corresponding job (been sober maybe a month or so..). 

    And this is why it looks like Phase 5. She's getting her ducks in a row because he might lose his main source of beta, his job.

    He hasn't taken my sister out on a "date" in years. They have been married less than a year, but been together 6-7 or so. While drinking, sex was none existent, he just wasn't interested. 

    This is key. Why does he not want sex with your sister, and when did this start? Is it porn? Because if it's not, and they're both in decent shape, this is a major red flag. To put it bluntly, if a man doesn't want Rollover Pussy, there is something very, very wrong. Usually with both sides of the relationship.

    He also degrades my sister, calling her "retarded, cunt, bitch" etc. Tho, this is stuff he said while drinking. Tho now sober, he is still saying these things, just not every night. He also won't show affection to her in public, no kissing, hand holding, etc. They are both is good physical shape and earn good wages, tho he does earn a bit more.

    My sister isn't perfect either, but since I only hear her side of the story, it's difficult to stay unbiased. I do believe, she treats him much better than the other way around tho.

    If this was important enough to mention, ie that you're sister is not perfect, and you only hear one side of the story, you might want to look into that. Your sister just might be acting a like a bitch when he calls her a bitch. Those words don't just happen over polite tea and strumpets. And it's highly likely your sister only acts like this when it's the two of them, hence him not using those words in public.

    So my main question is, should my sister still go on this trip with me (its only for 2 nights and I'm paying for just about everything). Or should I recommend that she stay home to "obey" her husbands wishes. I don't want them to get a divorce over a concert, but than again I feel as if her husband might be more abusive than just a strong alpha. I feel that if she stays, she will be telling him that she is his bitch and willing to do any thing to stay with him.

    He doesn't want his wife to go to a rock concert, which means booze and drugs abound, along with lots of horny men, with her brother that doesn't want her to stay with him. He might actually have a point.

    They are both Christians and my sister claims she will never leave him because of that.
    @Xander, you have to look at this honestly. What are your sister's options? What is her sex rank? What is his? How old is she, and what type of man can she honestly get if this goes south? And, what changes can her husband make? He just got a DWI, which can be a life changing event for many men. Can you get him on the forum? Because, if they split, your sister will be the same person, which means she'll probably end up with the same type of man. This compares to if she MAP's, and her husband does the same, they could end up in a much better place than where they started.
    [Deleted User]Eightbit[Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • LurckyLurcky Silver Member Posts: 583
    edited July 2013
    Yeah, you're reading too much into this, @Kleyau. This guy is a walking stereotype.

    Also, 'Adults shouldn't go to rock shows' sounds a lot like 'I can't do doggy style! I'm a mom now!' Arbitrary and rigid for no apparent reason. And I suspect trailer park Tommy only said that because he literally CAN'T go somewhere that will likely have some people around him consuming alcohol. Sour grapes.
    JellyBeanAngeline
  • kaldakalda USASilver Member Posts: 107
    Based on the limited interaction in the OP he hits some of the markers for an abuser. Alcohol and/or drugs are typically used as an excuse to justify abusive behavior.

    I would be curious how physically aggressive he has been with her. Not sure if she will be honest with you, but it might be worth asking her how often he breaks stuff during arguments, keeps her from leaving the room, holds her arms or pins her down/against walls, or if he pulls her by the hair and/or grabs her neck and throat.

    The physical stuff listed above is much more common for abusers than actual striking with a fist.
    AngelinePhoenixDownLurcky
  • DarKeyesDarKeyes Silver Member Posts: 660

    the husband needs to get 1> No More Mr Nice Guy and 2> the AA Big Book.

    the wife needs to get out of the house, to clear her head, and let her charming hubby know what life will be like without her.

    @xander, you need to be prepared for this blowing up in a big bad way. this guy could get rageful and show up at someone's house with a baseball bat or worse. You and the sister need to have a cell phone at all times, with the police on speed dial.

  • DarKeyesDarKeyes Silver Member Posts: 660
    @xander, also, I realize this is your sister, and you should support her, but you can't do this for her. Be very careful here. Help her, but don't get sucked into trying to rescue someone who won't rescue herself.
    JellyBean[Deleted User]Angeline
  • kaldakalda USASilver Member Posts: 107
    2nd the recommendation for Why Does He Do That?. Bancroft has the practical experience dealing with abusers to be a real authority on the subject.

    If it any point it looks like she will need to call police and report a crime you are welcome to PM me. I can give you some pointers on what she can say and specific language to use so the police will be more likely to take her seriously.
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