Started mapping, how do I keep from losing all hope and leaving?

daiyewalker

I don't know how long I have left in me, our entire marriage has been a mess. We've been together 3 years, married less the one.

I only finished reading mindful attractiveness plan last week, but I was basically doing that anyways.

I lost 25 lb about 8 weeks ago, gained some back after our delayed honeymoon, which, although it nice being away alone together, it was also painfully disappointing,

I had to initiate all the sex or touching, and i was doing everything in my power to make him pay me some sexual attraction. I had to decide everything we did, everything we ate, and my husband seemed just... disinterested.  

Our sex ranks are pretty even right now, I probably edge him out by pure youth and health, I'm 28, he's 40. By mapping, I will gain quite a lot, I just need to lose about 40lb, tone up and I'm a 10. and that excites me. Husband being a bartender ups his sex rank I think.

I want for step 2 or 3 to give us back our connection, I can still imagine what a good life with him looks like, he just needs to freaking wake up. 

My love is breaking down, and I'm rapidly losing patience, with his anger outbursts, our complete lack of communication except for small talk, 

I'm tired of walking on eggshells with him, his hours and hours a day on facebook and flipping through tv channels. I'm tired of being the assertive or aggressive one, I love being aggressive, just not always. I don't want to be the captain. 

He works nights and I work days, we only have 3 nights a week where sex is an option, I say we could do it more, but he won't unless its going to bed sex, and even then, after the 15-20 minutes of sex, he gets out of bed and goes on the computer, says he can't sleep after sex... even when I try every approved night we are together, we end up having sex only about 3 times a month.    

So... after writing that yesterday, I found out that my husband was paying for private webcams and phone sex from the very beginning of our relationship, so, he never had much sexual interest in me, everything I got was leftover excitement induced by other women.

 I'm pretty fking attractive, FF cup, 6 foot tall, when we met I was easily an 8. I have a much higher sex drive then him (makes sense that he would have had a high enough sex drive, just preferred his own hand to his young, hot, enthusiastic girlfriend/fiance/wife.)

  Now all I have to figure out is if I want to even bother trying to start fresh with him, or if I have to go through the hell of divorce. I don't think my mapping will fix this, if he did it it might help, but I do not think he would do it. We have marriage counseling tonight, we'll see what happens there...

Serenity

Welcome to the Forum and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

We've had several women (and some of the guys, too) who have been in similar situations and you'll get some good advice.

You've given some good background, but go ahead and download the free Forum Orientation booklet and answer the Triage questions here.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/athol-kay/mmsl-forum-booklet-free/ebook/product-20919811.html

sasha

I've got a lot on my plate today but I want to get back to you so I'm bookmarking you.
I'll come back and read your answers to the questions Serenity referenced.

Eightbit

Last paragraph is key, especially if you don't have any kids. Sounds like he's got a huge addiction. If you don't want to deal with it, divorce is probably easier. "Don't waste your pretty" as is the common phrase around here. Looking forward to the triage answers.

NeverSleptOnTheCouch

Sad for your situation
I understand I don't know enough, but there are layers of retardation for him to fix there.
Do you want to rip the band aid off quick or wait for him to rip it off slow... during your remaining prime years?
These should be your best years right now.
I hope you see some rapid progress

The_D_Word

NeverSleptOnTheCouch said:

Sad for your situation I understand I don't know enough, but there are layers of retardation for him to fix there. Do you want to rip the band aid off quick or wait for him to rip it off slow... during your remaining prime years? These should be your best years right now. I hope you see some rapid progress .

Sorry about your situation, but keep the above in mind.  As someone who has spent the last 5 years trying to salvage a relationship that I should have ended long ago, trust me when I say it's important to consider.  Why waste your best years on someone who can't be bothered to be into you?  It's great that you found this site; I have wished I would have found it a long time ago.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

daiyewalker

I'm working on the triage now, I'm trying not to let my heart-hurt color the situation, trying to simply be truthful.

I'm glad I found this site (and got the books), I've told a few people about it, and the praise is universal. Plus I love anything that references star trek tng.

I want my husband to start reading it, but I can't find a thread or post to start him on, one that wouldn't be taken as a insult, threat or test. Any suggestions?

picard

daiyewalker said:

I want my husband to start reading it, but I can't find a thread or post to start him on, one that wouldn't be taken as a insult, threat or test. Any suggestions?

Why? Sounds like a man that needs threatened, insulted and tested.

TK421

Yep. He needs a threat. More of a scare than a threat. If he cares he will take action. If he doesn't you don't want to be with him and your decision is made.

Serenity

Some links you may find helpful.

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/3211/what-finally-got-his-attention/p1

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2013/02/how-to-fair-warning-a-husband-that-doesnt-listen-before-things-are-too-late-to-fix/

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/09/what-your-partner-reading-mmsl-really-means/

willie

You can't MAP BSC, and addictions are basically a chosen form of BSC.  Check out yourbrainonporn for some information.  He isn't just depleting his desire, he has gotten himself wired to artificial stimulation - he's just not into you.  You might try pointing him there first.

If you confront him and give him an ultimatum, he can stop and change.  At the least, that would be full transparency (web monitoring software, etc, with you having the passwords), email/facebook etc. passwords shared (both ways).  

This calls for a fairly quick Phase 4/5 discussion.  You having to pursue, beg or nag will make you less attractive, while killing your self-esteem.  

willie

Also, IMHO, private webcams come pretty close to prostitution.  

Notelrac

Husband being a bartender ups his sex rank I think.
Um... no.  Not really.  It's sort of like being a drummer -- chicks dig it, but once people mature a bit they realize that it's a pretty low-status job.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells with him... his anger outbursts
You do realize you're describing his emotional abuse of you, right?

I'm pretty fking attractive, FF cup, 6 foot tall
What is the body type of the cam girls he's jacking off in front of instead of pleasuring you?

I have to go through the hell of divorce
No kids, less than a year -- what's going to be hellish about it?  Has he run up a lot of debt?

Now all I have to figure out is if I want to even bother trying to start fresh with him
How about you explain what in your own background led you to marry someone 12 years older than you in a dead-end career?

Athol_Kay

picard said:

daiyewalker said:

I want my husband to start reading it, but I can't find a thread or post to start him on, one that wouldn't be taken as a insult, threat or test. Any suggestions?

Why? Sounds like a man that needs threatened, insulted and tested.

Who does he take that out on?

Athol_Kay

Needs a firm Option A or B talk I believe.

Assuming you don't want to just bail. You don't have kids and frankly the webcam stuff is cheating.

I never advise a guy with no children to stay with a cheating woman.

Scarlet

My husband had a porn addiction. I had to give options A and B to resolve things. But, is this really what you want? What does he bring to the table? Also, fist bump on the F cup.

JellyBean

Hello, @daiyewalker, and welcome to MMSL forum.

Being stacked up top is hot.  I'm a F cup myself.  Booyah.

I think this quote from you is all we really need to know:

 " I found out that my husband was paying for private webcams and phone sex from the very beginning of our relationship, so, he never had much sexual interest in me, everything I got was leftover excitement induced by other women."

You have been married less than a year and you have no children.  He's monumentally immature for his age.  He's already effectively cheating on you.  I vote that you break it off, run your own MAP for yourself to become the best you you can be, and try again (with someone else) after some healing time.  (I wish I had given myself this advice during certain critical decision points.)

Templar

Be realistic when you look at your future together. Will he have to become something he never was and does not want to be? You are seeing this behavior from the start, not after 10 years. I am not cavalier about divorce, but where is this going to go? Women who are with their men long term of the leverage of a long term relationship to use. You don't have that at this point. Don't waste the pretty . . .

DaveBowman

JellyBean said:

Hello, @daiyewalker, and welcome to MMSL forum.

Being stacked up top is hot.  I'm a F cup myself.  Booyah.

... some other stuff I'm sure is important.

wait wait wait.

wait.

wwwwaaiiiitttt...

I don't know what to say. Except wait.

Brain all-a-locked up. Kernel panic.

Geekengineer

DaveBowman said:

JellyBean said:

Hello, @daiyewalker, and welcome to MMSL forum.

Being stacked up top is hot.  I'm a F cup myself.  Booyah.

... some other stuff I'm sure is important.

wait wait wait.

wait.

wwwwaaiiiitttt...

I don't know what to say. Except wait.

Brain all-a-locked up. Kernel panic.

I know, right?  When @JellyBean and I are chatting about something, she'll all of a sudden pull the front of her shirt down, or better yet, yank her shirt up, and I go all, "The going economic theory regarding...  boobs."

DanG

silvertower said:

Did someone say Boobs? I sensed a disturbance in the force.

Yeah, no shit!! Double FFs on an 8-10 . . . and he's in love with his hand? :-@