Driving Fitness Failure-How to fix and pass?

Captaindude

Ok, so I need to drive, even if I don't really care about it other than the control battle I need to win.

I'll just do it--make sure i have my own keys with me--my key ring already has both vehicle keys on it.   I have my own commuter car and we have a minivan that she uses to shuttle kids everywhere.  When we're together, I generally already drive my car, she often drives when the whole family is there.  I just need to fix the family trips.

When we're together, I think I'll just plan to treat it like a special courtesy--go out there first, back the van out of the driveway and pull it right to the curb so it's ready for everyone.  

ddad

I drive 90% of the time.  If I have been drinking she drives.  Thing is she is almost always not ready as we get ready to go so I am standing at the door with keys in hand waiting to go so she would actively have to request the keys from me.  If she gets in and is ready with keys in hand (rare) I just relax and enjoy my taxi ride maybe even playing it up(silly exaggerated enjoyment of relaxation).  I never fight for control it is more like stealth that I put myself in the default control position. 

If she ever asks nicely to drive I let her.  I am not controlling her I am in control.  Asking nicely is like showing respect to the leader.

hoping4better

Captaindude said:

Ok, so I need to drive, even if I don't really care about it other than the control battle I need to win.

I'll just do it--make sure i have my own keys with me--my key ring already has both vehicle keys on it.   I have my own commuter car and we have a minivan that she uses to shuttle kids everywhere.  When we're together, I generally already drive my car, she often drives when the whole family is there.  I just need to fix the family trips.

When we're together, I think I'll just plan to treat it like a special courtesy--go out there first, back the van out of the driveway and pull it right to the curb so it's ready for everyone.  

Disagree.  You are just trying to avoid conflict with this approach, and it is weak.  I don't think you need to.  Face it head on.  

I would tell her at some point when you are not about to drive or anything, just home, that you are going to do the driving if you are going somewhere together.  and leave it.  Let the hamster rage.  

Then next time she will run to the car to beat you to the driver seat, and you look at her funny and explain that you are going to do the driving if you are going out together.  If she doesn't get out, and you have to go then just smile at her and take your car.  Even better if you don't have to go.  Just wish her a nice time and go do something else, preferably fun for you.

There is a reason it is a BATTLE for control.  Face the conflict.  Of course, you need to MAP very hard as well...

hoping4better

Just as an aside, ironically - we are on vacation the last few weeks and have shared a car and I have gotten the feeling of this issue cropping up.  It's odd because i do ALL the driving when we are together (including 20+ hour road trips etc.) and it's never been an issue.  

But this week it has popped up and I have been wondering if it's a test or if I am being too sensitive.  I have been doing some work in between and going to an office (ten minute or less drive) and letting her have the car.  This has led to some interesting tests, first she wanted to drive so she could get used to it and drop me off.  OK with me, that makes sense it's a new car to her with a lot of features.  Then  the next time she wanted to drive so she could just stop in front and not go into the lot (it's on a busy street).  OK I thought, I can hop out.  

The other day we were getting ready to go and she seemed  to be trying to get the keys and head out ahead of me.  I asked her for them and drove.  Today she asked if she could PLEASE drive.  So since she asked nicely I said OK.  But it is weird that this is coming up.

I am thinking it is related to staying with her family during our vacation.  That her mom's influence or something is rubbing off on her.  I have another post today on that...

Captaindude

TK421 said:

Did Tony Soprano ever let Carmella drive his ass anywhere? Fuck no.

hoping4better said:

Disagree.  You are just trying to avoid conflict with this approach, and it is weak.  I don't think you need to.  Face it head on.  

There is a reason it is a BATTLE for control.  Face the conflict.  Of course, you need to MAP very hard as well...

Huff96 said:

One thing about alphas, they will fight if they are challenged.  She's not going to 'give' you control, you'll have to take it if you want it.

Okay--I'm getting the message.  Just need to keep this attitude without shocking her system too much.  She'd divorce Tony Soprano in a heartbeat, I think.

NeverSleptOnTheCouch

Much fear in you...

SteveDallas

Captaindude said:

Okay--I'm getting the message.  Just need to keep this attitude without shocking her system too much.  She'd divorce Tony Soprano in a heartbeat, I think.

The message is that it isn't about her, it's about you.

Captaindude said "When we're together, I think I'll just plan to treat it like a special courtesy--go out there first, back the van out of the driveway and pull it right to the curb so it's ready for everyone."

But that isn't the truth. That's what @hoping4better was disagreeing with.

What would you do if you were in charge of this situation? You wouldn't make up some story  about a special courtesy. You would be honest about your intentions and expectations. She can either comply or not. If she doesn't, the appropriate consequences follow.

Her reaction isn't the point. Whether you chose to do what you knew to be right is the point

Chuck

You really just need to work on improving your overall leadership in the relationship. I think you should completely table the driving issue and just keep plugging away at the bigger picture.... Start making eye contact with her everyday and make sure she looks away first. For everytime she gives you some sort if assigned task, make sure you assign her two or three more. Be first to make body contact with her. Make her laugh. Get stronger and pick her up and spin her around like a giggly little girl. Lead while you are dancing.

Chuck

Deep down every woman wants to be with a big strong man that takes care of them and you need to work on positioning yourself so she sub-consciously views you as that man..this will fix a lot of your power struggle issues. Also, ALWAYS keep your word to her and your children. Don't ever promise one thing and then not stick to it. Don't make passive aggressive promises that arn't in the family's best interest either....

hoping4better

Captaindude said:

TK421 said:

Did Tony Soprano ever let Carmella drive his ass anywhere? Fuck no.

hoping4better said:

Disagree.  You are just trying to avoid conflict with this approach, and it is weak.  I don't think you need to.  Face it head on.  

There is a reason it is a BATTLE for control.  Face the conflict.  Of course, you need to MAP very hard as well...

Huff96 said:

One thing about alphas, they will fight if they are challenged.  She's not going to 'give' you control, you'll have to take it if you want it.

Okay--I'm getting the message.  Just need to keep this attitude without shocking her system too much.  She'd divorce Tony Soprano in a heartbeat, I think.

@neversleptonthecouch is right, what are you afraid of?  

Do you really think your wife would divorce you over who drives?  

Don't worry too much about shocking her system, you just put it out there calmly and matter of factly, "I've been thinking, when we go out together I am going to drive."  She will start to hamster, just disengage, "it's something i want to do" and be pleasant the whole time.  Don't lose your cool over this ever, even if she tries to push you out of the way to drive.  

LHK

De-lurking to comment on this one.

DON'T ask her if you can drive (in fact, don't discuss it at all). DON'T race her to the driver's seat. As you approach the car, place your hand in the small of her back and guide her to the passengers side of the vehicle, open her door and wait for her to sit. Then, walk calmly to the drivers side and get in. Just do it, she'll get the message.

LHK

 

 

Captaindude

@lhk  Wow.  I'm flattered.  

You're probably right--I lean toward less talk.  Still, your description of entering the vehicle doesn't exactly match the typical loading scene with 6 young kids, one of whom needs to be lifted into a car seat, camping gear and trips back inside to get that last water bottle or check on the pets. 

My comment about Tony Soprano and divorce was after watching this clip:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9oY7zpan18 in which Tony says him sleeping around with lots of other women were just part of "the deal" of being married to him, and when she says she likes someone else, he punches holes in the wall.    

Driving isn't in that category.   Now marching on to battle with no fear. . .

LHK

By the time we had kids to worry about, I was firmly established as the primary driver, so that wasn't an issue for me. In this case, I'd suggest that you quietly take responsibility for loading the vehicle in advance. Then you can take control of loading up whichever kiddos get in on the driver's side of the car. This will leave you standing at the driver's door and positioned as the natural driver.

 

All maneuvering aside, you don't want to discuss who will drive. Just expect to drive. At most, if she starts for the driver's seat, a simple "No thanks, I'll drive" should be enough.

 

LHK

DaveBowman

waiting for the @picard response in 3... 2... 1...

What no wicked asshole @picard response?

OK, here's mine.

"I'm driving, you're going to sit there and look pretty and hand me the voucher when I bloody well ask for it. I'm doing my job, you do yours."

picard

@DaveBowman I hadn't chimed in as most of my advice has been given, yet admittedly without the asshole wit. The main issue here is apparently the car is "their" car rather than his or her car. That's a bad move and the one needing fixed.

wombatula

Pardon the ignorance, but is the issue more the fact that she is using the driving as a controlling power play or the fact that she drives at all?  When my wife and I are going out together I will drive as we typically go in my car, however the rest of the time when we take the van she drives.  Whenever we go somewhere with all 5 of us we'll take the van because it's more comfortable for the girls than being crammed in a back seat that really isn't big enough for 3 kids.  She doesn't drive though because it's "her" car or anything, she drives because I don't like driving and while she loves it and that's how I prefer it.

Roses

One thought--if husband drives my car, he changes all the mirrors, seat position, etc.  Takes me ten minutes to put it all back.  And mine is the only one that fits us all.  Gets to be a pain and makes me late.
Also, medical?  Are you a gentle-to-cars driver?

Captaindude

What double posts?

Eightbit

wombatula said:

Pardon the ignorance, but is the issue more the fact that she is using the driving as a controlling power play or the fact that she drives at all?  When my wife and I are going out together I will drive as we typically go in my car, however the rest of the time when we take the van she drives.  Whenever we go somewhere with all 5 of us we'll take the van because it's more comfortable for the girls than being crammed in a back seat that really isn't big enough for 3 kids.  She doesn't drive though because it's "her" car or anything, she drives because I don't like driving and while she loves it and that's how I prefer it.

I tend to agree with this. My wife and I have never had control issues in our relationship, nor did we implement the C/FO model. In general if we're going somewhere together I usually drive, although I had her drive several times recently due to my back issues. Long trips we will split the duties. This thread has me flummoxed, not from the standpoint of the wife wanting to maintain control but from the standpoint that she seems BSC about it. The reactions are so strong; I just don't get it. I guess not ever having experienced a relationship with control issues renders me unable to understand.

Chuck

I was driving around today with my wife and for some reason I was thinking about your post, so I did something a little unexpected....  I decided to go out of our way a little bit, and I took her down one of the roads that runs past the water, then I rolled the windows down, reached over and pulled the pony tail out of her hair, then drove a little faster than normal for a couple miles with a few little fast accelerations.... Anyhow, my wife seemed like she was annoyed or wanted me to stop at first, but she got all giggly and was smiling the whole time...  Then after I was done and put the windows up she thanked me and said that she needed things like that every now and then....  Do you know what driving style your wife finds to be fun or exciting?  Does she have a favorite kind of music that you used to listen to back when you were dating?  I would recommend you try to make you driving more fun for the both of you and see if that helps out your situation...