Hello fellow cartographers. This is actually my first post so I'll give a brief intro.
Im 37. Wife 42. Married 11 yrs. Together for 17. two 7 year old boys (yep twins).
I desire her 2-3 times per week. We've had sex on average once a month for 7 years.
NO affairs on either side of relationship. I'm sure of it.
MAP progress: I'm just getting started. I'm betaized / oneitisized etc.. So I've been adding alpha.
Without further delay...
My wife loves to cuddle up on my shoulder at night and fall asleep. I'm a stomach/side sleeper so when I comply, I can't fall asleep till I move her off my shoulder. Fine. I make sacrifices. She doesn't. typical. I'm rejected for sex all the time and even if she "has a headache" or any other "rationalization hampster" excuse, she'll still want to lay on my shoulder. I've built up so much resentment that my emotions what me to say "Yeah right, after you f**k me maybe." But I don't. Any advice on how to handle this.
Time for change 8/1/2013
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Comments
Anything else change 7 years ago?
Birth control method change?
Get the forum booklet and answer the triage questions. :-)
http://www.lulu.com/shop/athol-kay/mmsl-forum-booklet-free/ebook/product-20919811.html
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
I have read through the entire book (married man.. that is) and have a much better understanding of what's been going on between us. She's completely betaized me and I'm slowly working to change that. I've already seen her respond positively to my changes. So I really think better sex and an overall happier me are in the future.
Thanks for your time Anthol and the great book.
@Eightbit
Unless she holding on to resentment from being neglected by me 8 years ago, I'm not sure what elephants could exist. I've ruled out affairs. She is somewhat of a helicopter mom and has been content with living with the "kids great father." She DEFINITELY put them before me after they were born. I made it clear a year ago that I won't tolerate that nonsense anymore. She's been better though she still has a ways to go.
"Not overweight" is not the same as fit and strong. Can you pick her up and toss her around, pick her up/move her around during sex? Do you have any visible muscles? The flip side of being honest about men's desire for a fit, pretty, shapely woman is that women like fit, muscled men. It doesn't have to be huge gigantic muscles with veins, just some nice definition.
All the house finances, good jobs etc. is also great, but who manages it? Who makes more money? Who's "in charge" of the marriage? Who sets the direction for the family? One of the kids does something super naughty. Who is in charge of discipline? Do you get corrected on front of other people or your kids?
I realize you may not have time right away, but that was a very sketchy triage. The better and more complete your info, the better the advice you'll get.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
And I agree with the above about your fitness. What are your sex ranks, is she above you objectively?
@Eightbit ... I made it clear a year ago that I won't tolerate that nonsense
So tell us about what prompted this conversion and how it went.
I see your point about porn reducing my seduction efforts. Although it may affect my efforts subconsciously a bit, my 7yrs of rejection has a much larger impact on my efforts. I'm improving in this area though.
@Angeline
Sorry Athol Nobody likes their name misspelled.
Fitness: Yes, I can move her around. I would say toss though. I have muscle definition. I am actually more fit than I was when we first met/wedding. There is room for more improvement which I'm working on.
Finances: Yes, I manage those.
Family Direction: It's probably always been 50/50 but I've been taking a bigger slice lately and will continue to do so.
Income: Equal until today. She just got a huge promotion so her rank just jumped some.
Children: If I didn't discipline, they would get no discipline. She is a spoiling, helicopter mom.
Sketchy triage: Yeah, I don't have much time to post on here. Lunch breaks at work is about it. I wouldn't dare post from home when my wife is around.
@Eightbit
Sex rank. hmm. A little difficult to rate. Here's a stab.
Socially, we're equal.
Physically, I probably have a slight edge.
A couple years ago, she probably had the edge. I've made big strides in many aspects of my life including dressing better, dental work, physique, and socially.
"she's masturbating to...well something. What is it?"
I dunno. I will ask when timing right. Though I'm not likely to get a straight answer. She will probably say me. She is a very passive, private person. Any females care to comment on what you think about while indulging in one's self? Angeline? Anybody?
Any comment on the tub / wine refills?
Lunch break is ending
That's neither here nor there for you, but you've got to give us more if you really want some help. Do you have more specifically on my final question in my last post? You didn't answer it at all. Also, consider taking the next few days at lunch to write a detailed triage.
It could be nothing but your wife's behavior VERY much concerns me. There's got to be some reason she would rather orgasm alone than with you, barring bsc obviously.
I'm not sure I would agree. I can think of several cases on this forum. Also, my wife masturbated her whole life. Well before the our 911 worthy events.
A lot of couples just don't admit this to each other. Studies vary. But I generally see numbers around 65% of married women masturbate.
Unless I'm missing something your saying, I don't think a wife masturbating by itself means much. Aggravating I your not getting any sure, but as a sign of something bigger?
If you've seen posts from women who are doing this, definitely look to them for advice. They might be able to give you valuable insight into why your wife is refusing you.
It sounds to me like the typical "she wants sex, just not with him" that a lot of us guys on the forum are working through. To me, this one seems like we need to get to the bottom of why she isn't attracted to him. My money is on him being yet another nice guy (join the club!)
Look. I suppose she could be a closet lesbian but there is hardly a window of opportunity for her to cheat on me. Lunch break at work is the only possibility but its only 30mins long. Leaves early in AM for work. Goes straight from work to pick up kids from school. Weekends we spend all our time together as family. No suspicious activity at all. If she's having an emotional affair through email or texting, she's covered her tracks perfectly. I've checked both. She loves spending time as a family. She loves date night with me. She'll even say things like "we need another date night out". No way she would bring that up if having an affair. Problem is, date night rarely ends in steamy sex. Even when I'm making all the sexy moves, I'll get an excuse 75% of the time. Oh. And... I have no problem bringing her to orgasm. They're not faked either. Matter of fact, a lot of times after the orgasmic euphoria subsides, she'll say "why don't we do this more often" Damn women so confusing :-O
@eightbit you said:
"Do you not see the major issue here? She's masturbating three times a week while denying you sex. No different to me than the pron addict who doesn't fuck his wife cause he's too busy jerking off."
Yes. It is a MAJOR issue. Though I'm inclined to think its because of lack of attraction for me (hence I'm reading MMSL). She's slowly castrated me and I'm attempting surgical re-attachment. I am an extreme victim of betaization. I will follow up tomorrow with details on a recent confrontation I had with her about the masturbation and other aspects of our relationship. This confrontation took place BEFORE I discovered mmsl.
our posts crossed. You 2 are more on the money. I've become too nice and its turned her off. Although I obviously could be wrong, she doesn't show any signs of being interested sexually in anyone! Female or male. Its as if her libido has shut down. Oh wait... she masturbates 2-3 times per week!!!! So frustrating is right.
If anything it means at least she's got some sex drive so you don't have to battle a zero drive problem.
The attraction to you issue is what you have to work on. I wouldn't come down on her "self help" program unless you think it's into abnormal addiction territory.
Focus on how you can make yourself attractive. End of story.
Yes Yes. all good advice. I've been doing some of your suggestions. I will try to take note of details leading to the 25%. Regarding your response to "Why don't we do this more often." I most certainly did respond to her! One obstacle is her shyness about talking about sex. She gets so embarrassed. I've even joked in the past about sex being such a taboo topic. Very rarely can I get her to engage in sexting.
Just for the record, I never felt there was no hope for our sex lives. There are areas of the whole Tarzan the alpha male I need advice on though.