cuddling. What should I do?

Tiger

Sure feels like a pretty classic Male/Female relationship dynamic.  Lots of women are too embarrassed to talk about sex, that doesn't mean they don't think about sex, or want to have sex.  They were simply brought up in a society that is hung up on the topic and have not overcome that... yet  For now, less talk more do.

Build the attraction in her and I would not at all be surprised if you don't have a little vixen on your hands.  Her libido sounds like it works fine, you are simply not finding the right ways to make sure it's activated in your direction.

MAP on brother, become that awesome fun hot pervert that has his shit together.  But don't start by being a pervert, start by getting your shit together and being fun.

daisuki

I think @tiger hit it on the head.  

Sexting is not a "gateway" activity.  Sexting is an activity for once you have a pretty healthy IRL sexlife going or at least if you have someone who at least likes to talk about sex.  Now that I've said that, YOU can use sexting as a drive by.  Don't require a response to her, but a little heads up about how hot she looks, or that you're thinking of her, or HOW you're thinking of her, well that's a different story.  But since you said you couldn't get her to "engage", I imagine you're looking for feedback from her.

But I would stop the talking and up the doing.  Get comfortable with hearing "no", and then start experimenting.    IIRC, you feel like she has castrated you and then the resulting beta has turned her off.  No amount of talking is going to turn that around.  You can use her cuddle time as initiation time.  Just keep changing it up until you find something that works.  Then change it up again so you have more than one thing that works.  But seriously, maybe 2 things will happen.  1) It works and you have sex more often or 2) it doesn't work and she now realizes that cuddling on your shoulder is going to lead to initiation so she stops doing it and you get to sleep in whatever comfortable position you choose and your original problem is solved.  

softwaredev

@sextape I've gotten the "I don't know why we don't do this more often" thing too. I'm pretty sure it boils down to us doing the all the nice guy stuff and basically "getting castrated" as @daisuki put it. Ultimately, "nice guy" behavior isn't really nice, because it is fundamentally somewhat manipulative and certainly broods resentment. Once I realized that, it got a lot easier to become comfortable with my maleness again.

My advice is just to keep working at it as you can. Do so with the expectation that it will feel forced and weird. You won't know if you're crossing the line or not, and neither you nor your wife are accurate judges of this. I routinely come to the forum to get opinions on whether stuff is reasonable, whether I'm being an ass, etc.

good luck!

Mojo

When I initiated the other night I got the "cant we just have a cuddle", and I fell for it that night. The next night she was too tired after we went for a bike ride during the day and yesterday the decorators arrived for their monthly visit!

I don't know what the best response to "cant we just have a cuddle" to deflect sex is.

It came as a bit of a curveball so I wasn't all that prepared for it.

Rapunzel

@Mojo I said this elsewhere on the forum recently but when we were first married and I tried the can't we just cuddle line, my husband just straight out said, "no, I can't just lay up next to you when I'm horny" and turned away from me and went to sleep. I remember it to this very day and never tried that again.

sextape

@mojo and @rapunzel and @bmmnorth

bmmnorth said:
"I can only really get into cuddling AFTER sex, or if you want to start the cuddle with my cock in your ass."

LOL at option 2.  I sorta said something similar to option 1 recently...

my wifes recent response to deflecting her cuddle attempt was similar to rapunzel.  She's a pretty sensitive person.  A few months ago, when she tried cuddling, we had a conversation something along these lines..

wife: [tries to cuddle]
me: [i let her and respond with] I always try to take care of your needs. what about my needs?
wife: huh?
me: you know.. We haven't made love in weeks.
wife: [huffs] that would take an hour. I'm tired.
me: geez. what a drag it must be for you. it doesn't have to be an hr long marathon. I'm tired too and can't fall asleep on my back.
wife: fine.
me: [rolls over to side]

Fortunately, she didn't stop trying to sleep on my shoulder. She may have refrained for a week but nothing permanent.  Hindsight, this line of communication did nothing to help my cause (i know. stop talking! start doing! this was all pre-MAP)

Rapunzel

sextape said:

@mojo and @rapunzel and @bmmnorth

bmmnorth said:
"I can only really get into cuddling AFTER sex, or if you want to start the cuddle with my cock in your ass."

LOL at option 2.  I sorta said something similar to option 1 recently...

my wifes recent response to deflecting her cuddle attempt was similar to rapunzel.  She's a pretty sensitive person.  A few months ago, when she tried cuddling, we had a conversation something along these lines..

wife: [tries to cuddle]
me: [i let her and respond with] I always try to take care of your needs. what about my needs?
wife: huh?
me: you know.. We haven't made love in weeks.
wife: [huffs] that would take an hour. I'm tired.
me: geez. what a drag it must be for you. it doesn't have to be an hr long marathon. I'm tired too and can't fall asleep on my back.
wife: fine.
me: [rolls over to side]

Fortunately, she didn't stop trying to sleep on my shoulder. She may have refrained for a week but nothing permanent.  Hindsight, this line of communication did nothing to help my cause (i know. stop talking! start doing! this was all pre-MAP)

Ouch, that conversation was painful to read.

I just went back and reread your OP. I'm just going to say her wanting to lay her head on your shoulder and fall asleep should not override your need for comfortable sleep. That's just plain rude. I think you should just say, I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable sleeping this way. My husband is a side sleeper and if I get a few minutes of cuddling that's great but when he's ready to fall asleep I let him roll over and go to sleep. Sometimes I'll snuggle up to his back but I can't do that in the summer because he gets uncomfortably hot. So I just tangle my legs in his. We usually get some cuddle time in the morning while we're waiting for the snooze button to go off a few more times. A man getting plenty of sex it usually fine with cuddling. (But he needs to be able to sleep comfortably!)

sextape

@Bmmnorth I Have Responded In The Past With The Im Too Horny Bit. I Got The "All U Want Is Sex" Counter. Now U See Why I Came Here Looking For Advice! I Will tRy Injecting Some Wit Next Time.

sextape

With all this said, I want to stress the fact that my past experiences I'm sharing here were before finding mmsl.  I am already a happier person and have made big strides.  While reading mmsl, I found myself saying "OMG that is me" many many times.  I was very focused on sex because it was so lacking in my life.  I suppose this is a natural approach to trying to get more of it.  I now see how this actually made things worse and why my wife would say "All you want is sex".  In reality though, it is her desiring me that I desire.  If this proves to be out of reach for us, I am prepared to take the ill-fated latter stages outlined by the MAP.

It is unfortunate that what started as a passionate, fulfilling relationship that came so naturally to both of us, has become such a game of chess. 

Back to work now! Appreciate all the input.

SignorePillolaRossa

her: "all you want is sex"

you <infomercial salesperson voice>: "Stop right there, little lady. You apparently haven't heard about my latest offer. That's right,  I am offering both - sex, then cuddling. That's right, You heard me. BOTH if you act now. Now, this limited time offer can't be combined with other offers. Void where prohibited. All participants must be 18 years or older."

Rapunzel

sextape said:

@Bmmnorth I Have Responded In The Past With The Im Too Horny Bit. I Got The "All U Want Is Sex" Counter. Now U See Why I Came Here Looking For Advice! I Will try Injecting Some Wit Next Time.

There is the line, "Yeah I want sex, I mean, have you seen my wife?". Or something like that.

sting129

god I would fucking LOVE to cuddle with my wife, but she is EIGHT THOUSAND DEGREES at all times, and i just can't take it for longer than 5 minutes.  and if we're naked she's even WARMER.  

Mojo

challenger said:

When cuddling ALWAYS go for the boob.

And if she challenges on what you are doing say "just checking everything is in good working order before moving onto hips, bum, thighs and a bit of footsie before declaring, yep everything seems to be in order here" then role over and go to sleep. (Clearly this is if sexy time has been ruled out).