How do you keep track of your MAP? And other weirdness

Flaming_Man_of_Iron

I'm great for coming up with plans, and equally adept at forgetting them, losing track of where I wrote it down. I got Athol's new book a couple weeks ago, burned through it, wrote a bunch of stuff down, and then... Yeah. I've posted stuff in the past and people are like "keep MAPPING!!" LIke some kind of great rallying cry, but I'm increasingly disillusioned with such statements because.... I often can't remember my MAP other than:

1.) stand up for myself

2.) try to avoid porn (yeah right)

3.) stay fit (uh huh, not happening with my thesis going nowhere)

4.) work on my thesis (sort of. My dad has started helping me by having me accountable to him on a daily basis for progress - it's nice with my supervisor 2000 miles away)

5.) not try and find the meaning of my life on the internet (not doing well here, on the computer way too much)

Ok, so maybe I remember more of it than I thought, but I often feel like I should be more organized, more adept at figuring out strong alpha and beta actions to improve my life and relationship with my wife... But I'm generally sapped of a lot of motivation. I've come ot realize I generally quit just about anything I start once it gets difficult. It's likely a common failure in many, but I know I'm worse than average.

How does one maintain the motivation to improve yourself? I find I'm great for 48 hours (as per Athol) and then I pretty much rebel and quit everything I started doing. Yes, self sabotage. Not sure how to stop that one either.

Generally, I have the motivation to finish my thesis and get my M.Sc. I can't move on with or without my wife without the extra earning power it will bring, (Msc Stats jobs pay than my current job.) 

But improving my attractiveness otherwise? My wife doesn't notice and doesn't care much, because she's on a SSRI and hormonal birth control. Seriously, the sex with my wife is SO bad that I actually am pretty sure that unless she starts randomly enjoying herself, I actually don't get any kind of bonding hormone flush, the feelings and sensations are pretty much only in my penis. Kissing her is like kissing a robot, she tries to simulate what kissing should feel like, and it's completely fake and a huge DLV turn off. Between bad sex and my masterbation and sometime porn habit, I actually don't enjoy it enough to even finish anymore. The whole situation is bad.

A divorce would be so financial ruinous it's just not on the table. So... why MAP? Improve myself for a new woman I can't have? Improve myself so I can get IOI's and just be frustrated that I can't act on them?

I actually have realized part of the reason I watch the odd porno and read erotica is because... if I don't, and stop fapping period... I get SOOO horny. Like would almost fuck a goat horny. My body agenda sends STRONG messages to kick my wife out so I can find a new one that works properly, (oh right, did I mention she also can't have kids anymore?) and I have no desire at all to be faithful to my wife if the opportunity presented itself. I don't like who I become when I stop numbing myself with erotica and just general internet surfing. 

Otherwise, things are great. I'm sleeping better, getting more work on my thesis in the last week than the last two months... My wife and I haven't been fighting as much, have been much more pleasant to each other day to day... Kids are happier, I'm happier... But I'm becoming strangely detached from my wife. It's weird. Thoughts?

DaveBowman

Gtd.

Google it. Changed my life.

Flaming_Man_of_Iron

DaveBowman said:

Gtd. Google it. Changed my life.

Huh. Looks good, will buy.

pocketaces

I keep my list on a folded index card in my back pocket. I try to read it once a day and pick some things that apply to my day.

Thats my high level list. I keep my more detailed action items in the now defunct android program astrid.

Flaming_Man_of_Iron

@AlphaBelle

Thanks for the reminder, I should have done so in my first thread.

The last "crisis" was that my wife was feeding the baby too much and sitting around all day. It was resolved when she got her Zeldox dose increased. Also torpedoed our sex life. So there you go.

Also re: my last thread, in generally a better mental headspace now.

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/5965/that-moment-where-you-realize-holy-this-is-it/p1

Also, from one of my first big threads:

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/3893/how-to-bring-up-that-the-fo-literally-is-the-elephant/p1

My wife has started losing weight(maybe 15 lbs?) and is going down in clothing size. Her hygeine is improving, I don't have to remind her to get rid of her moustache, shower, brush her teeth and wash her hair. Big thing is that her teeth are getting more yellow from her "once or twice a day coffee". Maybe it's just a gradual thing that I've been noticing, but they're getting particularily bad. Given her improvement in other areas I've not been too much on her case about it. She's also pulling her weight around the house again which is nice. 

Oh, and we found out her diabetes is some kind of weird adult onset type 1 case. Basically she was always going to be a diabetic, it was just a matter of when. 

I rent from both of *my* parents in a spacious 2000 sqaure ft well sunlit basement suite with doors to the backyard. Given the real estate prices and rentals, we've got a good deal and will be staying. We get along with my parents and the suite is fully independent and satisfies our short term needs. Long term my parents and us are looking for a better house to accommodate all of the family's needs.

She's had 3 kids, and we both really wanted 4, possibly more. I would have been ok with 4. Three kids just feels like I've had to give up way too early. My urge to make babies is very strong, and my body agenda is very much not at all ok with having an infertile wife. Not being able to have children anymore at 31 is pretty much a permanent DLV for me. I mean, I'm only 29 and I have to STOP having kids? Gah. I still have the urge to impregnate just about every attractive female I set eyes on.

As for assessing my MAP... Part of my point is that I don't really have much of a MAP because I keep forgetting what my MAP was in the first place. Day to day it's generally a sort of "oh right I'm supposed to try to be better, except all it does it seem to make me more frustrated. Why am I doing this again?"

Because it does not matter. My wife has no sex drive the majority of the time due to her meds. I can't escape my marriage, what else is there to do? Though the more I think about it, the more i really need to get my shit together so that when I am given some kind of opportunity, I can actually see it for it is and actually be able to take advantage of it.

gatz123

Flaming_Man_of_Iron said:

A divorce would be so financial ruinous it's just not on the table. So... why MAP? Improve myself for a new woman I can't have? Improve myself so I can get IOI's and just be frustrated that I can't act on them?

Those two events are not mutually exclusive - divorce and Mapping.  You Map to improve yourself.  Whether you divorce and find someone else or stay, it should not affect your goal.  Improve yourself because you want to be better.  Your wife or someone else will notice the difference.

Your statements about internet surfing, porn and not being faithful to your wife seems like a rant.  The whole post seems to a giant complaint about how unsatisfying your life is at the present.  It's hard to understand what your goals are...

Flaming_Man_of_Iron

gatz123 said:

Flaming_Man_of_Iron said:

A divorce would be so financial ruinous it's just not on the table. So... why MAP? Improve myself for a new woman I can't have? Improve myself so I can get IOI's and just be frustrated that I can't act on them?

Those two events are not mutually exclusive - divorce and Mapping.  You Map to improve yourself.  Whether you divorce and find someone else or stay, it should not affect your goal.  Improve yourself because you want to be better.  Your wife or someone else will notice the difference.

Your statements about internet surfing, porn and not being faithful to your wife seems like a rant.  The whole post seems to a giant complaint about how unsatisfying your life is at the present.  It's hard to understand what your goals are...

I don't even know what my goals are anymore. I'm in a positive mood, but a very frustrated point. I don't see any easy solutions. Like, if my wife dropped 50 lbs and got her sex drive back, life it would be a lot easier. But it's not. 

Flaming_Man_of_Iron

Here's the thing, I find the postive changes in me SO FRUSTRATING when I actually MAP. I look good, feel great, have tons of extra energy... But have no where to channel that extra energy. If I have sex with my wife, I'm generally sorrier after than before. If I use porn, I feel shitty afterwards and lose momentum. If I get an IOI from a cute woman, well... that's nice but useless. I can't act on it and an IOI isn't a great romp in the sack or BJ to completion. It's nothing. I  feel like I have no outlet for the positive energy from my MAP. 

I guess I just don't feel any kind of reward for mapping. It doesn't feel like there's any great net changes in my life, I'm in the same old shit, just feel better about being in a pile of shit. But I'm still in shit. Has no one else felt this way?

Scarlet

You know, I don't want to dismiss you very valid complaints, but at the same time you are making much of your own misery and wallowing in it. Look around you. Life is good. You have a lovely place to live and good health care and a good job with growth potential and a supportive family. You have three healthy children and all you can think about is the fourth you do not have. Do you have any idea what blessings you have? Look around you. Life is good.

manningengels

Flaming_Man_of_Iron said:

Otherwise, things are great. I'm sleeping better, getting more work on my thesis in the last week than the last two months... My wife and I haven't been fighting as much, have been much more pleasant to each other day to day... Kids are happier, I'm happier... But I'm becoming strangely detached from my wife. It's weird. Thoughts?

Detachment isn't necessarily bad. Sounds to me like your wife has quite a few issues of her own and her own life lacks meaning. Detaching from her a bit, and then showing leadership by getting your own shit together, will set an example for her. She is already following it - improved hygiene, more housework, etc.

The bottom line appears to be that you don't find her a turn on any more. She needs to run a MAP. You want to keep yours going for your own sake, but also to show her that you won't get slowed down by her, and she needs to keep up with you.

So there's your reason to keep going - to set her a good example.

sasha

Flaming_Man_of_Iron said:

I guess I just don't feel any kind of reward for mapping. It doesn't feel like there's any great net changes in my life, I'm in the same old shit, just feel better about being in a pile of shit. But I'm still in shit. Has no one else felt this way?

yes, I've felt that way.

I've determined that when I'm feeling this way I'm not looking at the big picture enough. I'm too focused on what happened today (moment by moment) instead of focusing on where I'll be in a month, 6 months, a year.

To me it feels a little like I'm micro-managing myself to exhaustion. I've got to keep reminding myself that there is a big picture even though some days I have no idea what that big picture is except a future with a better me. Not sure who else it includes, where I'll be living or what I'll be doing but I'll be there... wherever that is and I'll be more prepared for whatever "where" is. I try to get my mind out of today, pic a spot in the future and aim for it.

Serenity

Recommend that you contact Athol for some private coaching as you are someone who would definitely benefit from one-on-one personal accountability.

Also recommend that you rule out medical issues by checking both your thyroid and testosterone levels. I suspect that at least part of your lack of motivation is a result of medical issues.

DaveBowman

Flaming_Man_of_Iron said:

Here's the thing, I find the postive changes in me SO FRUSTRATING when I actually MAP. I look good, feel great, have tons of extra energy... But have no where to channel that extra energy. If I have sex with my wife, I'm generally sorrier after than before. If I use porn, I feel shitty afterwards and lose momentum. If I get an IOI from a cute woman, well... that's nice but useless. I can't act on it and an IOI isn't a great romp in the sack or BJ to completion. It's nothing. I  feel like I have no outlet for the positive energy from my MAP. 

I guess I just don't feel any kind of reward for mapping. It doesn't feel like there's any great net changes in my life, I'm in the same old shit, just feel better about being in a pile of shit. But I'm still in shit. Has no one else felt this way?

I have. Sometimes I still do if we're having a bit of a tiff.

1. for me, it got better. There's a resistance -- in both your minds -- before there can be acceptance.

2. I got over the duty sex with the wife -> negative feelings... well, by having fun. Letting go. Might as well enjoy it.

3. IOIs aren't useless. I got frustrated too, I mean you can't actually screw these women that are flirting with you. But they do let you know that what you are doing is working, and inspire confidence.

4. outlet for positive feelings for me are things like working out, playing with the kids, get outside in the woods, have a beer with your buddies.

Life's there for the taking man. Don't miss it by wallowing in your shit. Or hers. 

Maria

You are viewing the elements of your MAP as isolated items, when in fact they are not.
Every relationship is a system - and whenever you change one component you automatically change the whole thing BUT IT TAKES TIME for that change to set in. And then it takes time to notice it, because just as we adapt easily to a situation getting gradually worse we might not realize small, slow changes for the better. Especially if we are frustrated.

I also think you might benefit greatly from Athol's paid coaching. On the one hand you wouldn't have to worry about tracking your MAP, because Athol would hold you accountable and on the other hand he'd help you view the whole pattern of your life, not isolated bits and pieces.