Actually right now. Don't do a damned thing to try and attract his attention to MMSL, it will only weaken it's impact.
I would like you to read The Mindful Attraction Plan for yourself and report back where you think you are in the process, what you've tried and failed at before now.
It sounds like you've been unwittingly throwing Display of Low Value after Low Value at him.
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
One year ago, I was where you are ... except my husband also had low T. I can tell you from personal experience that it's 100% possible for you and your husband to turn this situation around.
After both my husband and I ran our Maps for more than a year, our marriage and sex life are better than they have ever been.
As Athol said, read the Mindful Attraction Plan; it is life-changing.
Also, you can download the free Forum Orientation booklet and answer the Triage questions here.
Actually right now. Don't do a damned thing to try and attract his attention to MMSL, it will only weaken it's impact.
I would like you to read The Mindful Attraction Plan for yourself and report back where you think you are in the process, what you've tried and failed at before now.
It sounds like you've been unwittingly throwing Display of Low Value after Low Value at him.
Will do. I have started the book already.
I didn't understand the last line of your post. Does that mean I've put him down? I'm very careful not to, but it happens. The only time I've ever said outright that I wasn't attracted to him, was months after my first daughter was born (9 years ago) and I was having panic attacks during sex/from him approaching me. I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
And I'm not the only 'victim'. He is, too. I'm not delusional. I know I've made mistakes as well. But isn't the point of this blog/movement that female drive is reactive? As in, the guy does stuff to turn on his wife ??
Actually right now. Don't do a damned thing to try and attract his attention to MMSL, it will only weaken it's impact.
I would like you to read The Mindful Attraction Plan for yourself and report back where you think you are in the process, what you've tried and failed at before now.
It sounds like you've been unwittingly throwing Display of Low Value after Low Value at him.
Will do. I have started the book already.
I didn't understand the last line of your post. Does that mean I've put him down? I'm very careful not to, but it happens. The only time I've ever said outright that I wasn't attracted to him, was months after my first daughter was born (9 years ago) and I was having panic attacks during sex/from him approaching me. I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
No, I mean you've unwittingly put yourself down to him.
Every time you've gotten upset and begged him to change, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you've threatened divorce etc and then failed to follow through, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time he's ignored you and you've just soldiered on like it's okay and done everything at home alone, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you let him drain your energy and get nothing in return, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
The central theme of MMSL is to get yourself into a position where you’re so valuable as a potential partner, that you no longer are required to tolerate being in a relationship with a crappy partner who refuses to handle their own shit.
It is a tricky thing when the woman finds MMSL first and is the one who wants her husband to change.
Many of the FO's here have stumbled around, making mistake after mistake with our husbands and being counter-productive.
Recommend that you save yourself a lot of time and heartache and take advantage of Athol's private coaching option. Had it been available when I first started running my Map, I would have avoided a lot of pitfalls that slowed down our progress.
At some point, if you and Athol both feel that it's time to bring your husband in, there's no additional charge to include him as well.
Every time you've gotten upset and begged him to change, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you've threatened divorce etc and then failed to follow through, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time he's ignored you and you've just soldiered on like it's okay and done everything at home alone, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you let him drain your energy and get nothing in return, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
These are all Displays of Low Value.
This is so hard to grasp and REALLY understand but it is the truth. If you fully embrace it, it will cause such a shift in your mindset, you'll wonder what you've been thinking all these years.
I feel for you. I came here with very similar experiences of complaining, trying to change, trying to get him to change etc, nothing works or sticks. Gag!
I know you've been trying to fix it for years and feel like you are on your last possible tiny thread of tolerance. But I believe this forum is where the magic is and you just got here. It is working for me and things are changing. Learn, read, change yourself and your perspective. Good luck!
"When people show you who they are, believe them." -Maya Angelou
How do you know if the H will even listen to it without an A/B ultimatum? Your part of a self-selecting group of guys who had it "blasted" to them in an ultimatum, or worse (I'm assuming this...if your here at MMSL, and NMMNG to try to salvage your relationship)...
My point is, that @onefootout's H may only respond with action...an ultimatum, a divorce filing, etc...
I am quite familiar with "courtship" so I am very interested in reading your answers to the triage questions.
When our children were little we went to a chuch that pushed the courtship model. It just did not sit right with my husband (I was so happy about that as I thought is sounded crazy!) so we did not raise our children with that mindset. Twenty years on, we have seen some sad things.
I'm sure she has told him that she cries 90% of the time during sex..
That his kiss makes her skin crawl...
That she feels like she is married to a girl most of the time...
TO HIS FACE!!!
Women think men are fucking mind readers.
I suggest she print out her posts and show him what she is willing to say OUT LOUD to the WORLD but will not say to his face.
I have no sympathy for people bailing out of relationships dishonestly.
I HAVE told him this. I HAVE told him that 90% of the time I'm holding back tears or that I run to the bathroom and bawl my eyes out in the shower. I HAVE told him his talking is driving me INSANE. I HAVE told him I don't enjoy his kisses. I HAVE told him he's too emotional/pouty and it turns me off.
I WOULD show him these posts, if I knew this would help, not further damage what little there is left. I can't constantly say these things to him and expect a good outcome.
The central theme of MMSL is to get yourself into a position where you’re so valuable as a potential partner, that you no longer are required to tolerate being in a relationship with a crappy partner who refuses to handle their own shit.
Hello sister. I feel for you, not a great place tho be right now. I'm just now grasping that all my 'good girl beta' actions were dlv's.
- all housework
- 90%childcare
- all yard work
- all banking and bills
- all investments
- 90 % car care
- all snow removal, wood chopping, gardening (even up to 9 months pregnant)
- all sexual initiation
Etc etc
In my mind, the more I did, the more energy he would have for fun things, like dates, playing games, or even sex. To no avail, he had low testosterone, but we've only now started remedying that. So 16 years of this turned me into a co-dependant martyr, and I let it.
As for not being attracted, I created a little work around. This is kind of embarrassing. But when we WOULD have sex or kiss, I had a special tape in my mind that I would play so I could experience arousal. And let me tell ya, the men on this tape weren't, ahem, gentlemen, iykwim.
:-O
Anyways, I wasted years begging him to change, while all my actions were showing that the status quo was acceptable. I struggle with having good girl game, and the folks here seem to have success with changing that. I want to tap into that. I can't change him, but I can become 'valuable' enough to change the dynamics of my life.
So no, I don't have any advice except try to trust the folks here. I plan to be an obedient little acolyte for a few months and see where it gets me.
@Karuk...I call BS on that...There are scores of FO's who are just as frustrated and at the end of their rope as @Onefootout...
And there are scores of guys who are on this forum willing to blow up their marraiges because of a crappy sex life...so really, who's the bigger villian?
@Karuk I know from your perspective that it seems a simple matter for her to just introduce her husband to the Primer, be honest with him about her complaints, and presto chango, he'll magically add the Alpha she needs.
For the vast majority of the FO's who are here, it doesn't work that way. Which is why Athol specifically advised her to not to introduce him to MMSL at this point.
Until she has run her Map to the point where she can issue a credible Ultimatum, trying to convince him to change is just another DLV.
Actually right now. Don't do a damned thing to try and attract his attention to MMSL, it will only weaken it's impact.
I would like you to read The Mindful Attraction Plan for yourself and report back where you think you are in the process, what you've tried and failed at before now.
It sounds like you've been unwittingly throwing Display of Low Value after Low Value at him.
- Is there a male figure that your husband respects (pastor, sibling, parent, neighbor/friend, etc) that you can have intercede with your husband on your behalf to deliver a wake up call / call to alpha?
Comments
Actually right now. Don't do a damned thing to try and attract his attention to MMSL, it will only weaken it's impact.
I would like you to read The Mindful Attraction Plan for yourself and report back where you think you are in the process, what you've tried and failed at before now.
It sounds like you've been unwittingly throwing Display of Low Value after Low Value at him.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
After both my husband and I ran our Maps for more than a year, our marriage and sex life are better than they have ever been.
As Athol said, read the Mindful Attraction Plan; it is life-changing.
Also, you can download the free Forum Orientation booklet and answer the Triage questions here.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/athol-kay/mmsl-forum-booklet-free/ebook/product-20919811.html
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
I didn't understand the last line of your post. Does that mean I've put him down? I'm very careful not to, but it happens. The only time I've ever said outright that I wasn't attracted to him, was months after my first daughter was born (9 years ago) and I was having panic attacks during sex/from him approaching me. I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
Thank you @Serenity
And I'm not the only 'victim'. He is, too. I'm not delusional. I know I've made mistakes as well. But isn't the point of this blog/movement that female drive is reactive? As in, the guy does stuff to turn on his wife ??
No, I mean you've unwittingly put yourself down to him.
Every time you've gotten upset and begged him to change, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you've threatened divorce etc and then failed to follow through, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time he's ignored you and you've just soldiered on like it's okay and done everything at home alone, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you let him drain your energy and get nothing in return, you've told him you're powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
These are all Displays of Low Value.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
And she says to read this post. DO IT!!!
And here is that quote:
The central theme of MMSL is to get yourself into a position where you’re so valuable as a potential partner, that you no longer are required to tolerate being in a relationship with a crappy partner who refuses to handle their own shit.
Many of the FO's here have stumbled around, making mistake after mistake with our husbands and being counter-productive.
Recommend that you save yourself a lot of time and heartache and take advantage of Athol's private coaching option. Had it been available when I first started running my Map, I would have avoided a lot of pitfalls that slowed down our progress.
At some point, if you and Athol both feel that it's time to bring your husband in, there's no additional charge to include him as well.
http://mindfulattractionplan.com/landing/12-week-guided-map/
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
I feel for you. I came here with very similar experiences of complaining, trying to change, trying to get him to change etc, nothing works or sticks. Gag!
I know you've been trying to fix it for years and feel like you are on your last possible tiny thread of tolerance. But I believe this forum is where the magic is and you just got here. It is working for me and things are changing. Learn, read, change yourself and your perspective. Good luck!
How do you know if the H will even listen to it without an A/B ultimatum? Your part of a self-selecting group of guys who had it "blasted" to them in an ultimatum, or worse (I'm assuming this...if your here at MMSL, and NMMNG to try to salvage your relationship)...
My point is, that @onefootout's H may only respond with action...an ultimatum, a divorce filing, etc...
I believe mere words will be useless...
When our children were little we went to a chuch that pushed the courtship model. It just did not sit right with my husband (I was so happy about that as I thought is sounded crazy!) so we did not raise our children with that mindset. Twenty years on, we have seen some sad things.
I WOULD show him these posts, if I knew this would help, not further damage what little there is left.
I can't constantly say these things to him and expect a good outcome.
WTH, you don't even know me, or my situation.
@Karuk...Being a little harsh aren't we? Projecting some P/A anger?
@Karuk...I call BS on that...There are scores of FO's who are just as frustrated and at the end of their rope as @Onefootout...
And there are scores of guys who are on this forum willing to blow up their marraiges because of a crappy sex life...so really, who's the bigger villian?
For the vast majority of the FO's who are here, it doesn't work that way. Which is why Athol specifically advised her to not to introduce him to MMSL at this point.
Until she has run her Map to the point where she can issue a credible Ultimatum, trying to convince him to change is just another DLV.
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
============================
Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice