Mother or Lover

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  • TigerTiger SeattleCategory Moderator* Posts: 2,324
    Need an awesome then LOL button :)


  • KheldarKheldar IndianaSilver Member Posts: 1,565
    That never worked for me, unfortunately. I used to believe her when she said that maybe if she had time away from the kids, maybe she'd want sex more. I still take the kids out because they're my kids, but I don't anticipate it having much impact on the sex life. And it doesn't. 
  • DrumHornDrumHorn AustinSilver Member Posts: 1,634
    Kheldar said:
    That never worked for me, unfortunately. I used to believe her when she said that maybe if she had time away from the kids, maybe she'd want sex more. I still take the kids out because they're my kids, but I don't anticipate it having much impact on the sex life. And it doesn't. 
    I agree that if she's asking you to take out the kids so that it helps her get in the mood then that's probably just hamster.

    However, that hasn't been the case for us because neither my wife or I had a clue that the kids were draining her sexual energy. 
  • TigerTiger SeattleCategory Moderator* Posts: 2,324
    There is a big difference between you taking the kids to give her a break and sending the kids to grandma's house or hiring a sitter so you can isolate her and get her out of being a mom and back into the mindset of being a lover.

    My wife simply is unable or unwilling to think about sex without me being very nearby and putting her in that frame of mind.  So me taking the kids away is not going to do anything for her sexually.  The best is will do is make her want to do something nice for me in return, but that's duty sex, not desire.
    PaleoDad
  • KheldarKheldar IndianaSilver Member Posts: 1,565
    DrumHorn said:
    Kheldar said:
    That never worked for me, unfortunately. I used to believe her when she said that maybe if she had time away from the kids, maybe she'd want sex more. I still take the kids out because they're my kids, but I don't anticipate it having much impact on the sex life. And it doesn't. 
    I agree that if she's asking you to take out the kids so that it helps her get in the mood then that's probably just hamster.

    However, that hasn't been the case for us because neither my wife or I had a clue that the kids were draining her sexual energy. 
    I hear you. Also, don't mind me. We're about four days post-IUD removal for my wife. It's too early to expect much of a change in her libido if that's what was killing it. But, I suspect on some level I'm steeling myself for this to be yet another thing that doesn't make a difference. 
  • lil_spitfirelil_spitfire Member Posts: 280
    Interesting thoughts here. I only have two kids 2 yrs and 2 mos but I'll still share my little bit of insight.

    The constant touching and breastfeeding with my first was hard to adjust to. I actually articulated it to H at the time. Being grabbed all day, breasts especially, by a baby and then by a husband was not appealing. What helped was how he did it. Once he was more firm and decisive rather than tentative, it felt like lover touch not mommy touch.

    And this might sound weird but I actually try to stay in sexy mode for the kids' sake. When I'm feeling sexy, I'm happy, unrushed, playful, laughing, physical, etc. My daughters respond to it so well! When I let my sexiness subside, I become way too serious and no one has any fun. Because of this I think it was always quite easy for me to be sexual with my H even while caring for our first. We often joked about how hard it would be for me to stop all the sexual innuendos when the kids were old enough to repeat them or understand them. Lol

    I'm realizing just how important a little time away from kids is, though. I'm not concerned specifically in flirting with my STBX obviously, but that 30-60 minutes of me time on some nights was such a godsend. As a single mom I'm utilizing babysitters and the YMCA to keep my own sanity.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~
    "One of the illusions of life is that the present hour is not the critical, decisive hour." Ralph Waldo Emerson
    ScarletTimitzPaleoDadPandaBear7
  • DrumHornDrumHorn AustinSilver Member Posts: 1,634
    So here's a question I have.  

    I think one of the reasons my wife doesn't respond well to drive-bys during the day is because she's in mommy mode.  She's a SAHM so she's with the kids every day.  It's very hard for us to get a private moment during the day and when we do the kids are sure to come find us.  And if we try to lock the bedroom door, the kids (3 yo and 6 yo) will usually bang on the door saying "Mommy? Daddy?".

    It just seems like a challenge to build up any desire during the day in her while she's in mommy mode.  Anyone else have experience overcoming this?
  • neenneen Member Posts: 3,390
    My challenge has been trying to get my H to actively engage with the kids. I felt like he wasn't happy being a father, too boring and restrictive. That would make me mad, although you couldn't detect it from me. So, for me a man that is into his kids... can be a turn on.
    nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
    exuberanceNeanderthal2000
  • neenneen Member Posts: 3,390
    I had observed my H w/ his niece and nephew before we were married , he seemed great with kids. I recently asked about that, he said he was trying to impress me. I fell for it. @drumhorn
    nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
    Neanderthal2000AlphaBelleLiquidSoundAngeline
  • knickersknickers Member Posts: 207
    The two roles of wife(lover) and mother have one common prerequisite: being a woman.

    I know that for myself, with young kids, I need to have kind of transition time from being on "mom duty" to being a lover. It's hard to make that switch, but I find that if I focus first on making myself feel like a Woman again, it's a much easier transition.

    I've realized that for now I can't expect myself to go from kissing ouchies, wiping snot, and changing diapers to feeling sexy, attractive and turned on. First I have to feel like I can be attractive, and yes I do what I can to avoid the mom in sweatpants and a t-shirt look to maintain at least a minimal level of attractiveness even if its just me and the kids. But lets be honest, spit up, snot and tears aren't sexy attire, and more often than not that's what I'm wearing by the time hubby gets home from work.

    I think that men have an easier time with the transition because their two roles are often similar:
    Husband = protector, provider, lover, Father = protector, provider, teacher.

    Whereas women's roles could be summed up like this:
    Wife = encourager, helper, lover, Mother = caretaker, nurturer, teacher.

    Let her find her common ground first of being a woman, this can be as easy as changing her clothes and washing her face. Or something specifically girly like painting her nails, or putting on some fresh makeup. Then she can feel like the moves your pulling on her are actually meant for her, cause now she can actually imagine herself as being sexy.
    Natalie_LorinmrsozzyLurckyPaleoDad
  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasGold Women Posts: 10,632
    edited September 2013
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  • mook_zmook_z Gold Men Posts: 1,267
    edited September 2013
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    "you ... are right." - DaddyOh
  • PaleoDadPaleoDad Vancouver, BCSilver Member Posts: 161
    Tiger said:
    I've been contemplating this issue for some time, my wife has a hard time being both my lover and a mother, she can do one, or the other, but there is a big context switch for her between them.  The notion of interacting with the children while still thinking about having sex later is completely foreign to her, she either does one or she does the other.

    I'm wondering how common this is, @steu2817's recent thread has aspects of this same dynamic, but I have also seen many discussions around here that may well be due to this same effect and would like to explore it a bit more.

    This is definitely a dynamic that I'm struggling with in my marriage.  I've come a long way since I started MAPing and I'm more fit, confident, and assertive than I've ever been in my life.  Yet I'm still getting frustrated by her lack of passion and lack of interest in sex. I know that she has trouble turning off "mommy mode" and making that transition, particularly when the 1 year-old could wake up crying and need to be nursed back to sleep at any moment.

    She is definitely focused on being a mother, and she absolutely views being a lover as a nice "bonus" once in a while when she has the time and energy for it.  She's pretty determined to NOT see it as an essential component of our relationship.  It's not essential for her, thus it's not essential for our relationship and I should just be happy with all of the other things.

    I have no idea how to balance out this different roles and competitions for a wife's time and attention.  Every idea that I try seems to fall flat or just get shot down.  She just doesn't see it as a problem; it's "normal" and I just need to (continue to) be patient and wait for her to come around.  This seems to be a very common attitude for wives to hold on this issue.

    As for why it's a problem unique to mothers and not something that fathers typically deal with, I think there are several factors at work:

    For the typical modern-day couple, becoming a parent is a more dramatic change in day-to-day life for mothers than for fathers, especially if the mother takes full advantage of maternity leave or opts for the SAHM role for a few years.  I'm still going to work every day, but she's not.  By the time I get home from work, she's craving intellectual stimulation, wants a break from managing the kids, and has generally had her fill of physical affection and being touched.  My needs in the relationship haven't really changed from what they were before, but hers have changed pretty dramatically.

    Responsive desire also likely plays a huge role.  Women with small children typically seem to have about zero spontaneous desire, at least until their cycle returns.  And if they're nursing, that can take a while; with our first, it took 18 months before my wife's cycle returned.  With little or no spontaneous desire, a woman can happy go for weeks or months without sex, while her husband feels like he's withering away and dying inside.  Responsive desire seems to need to be kept at a "slow burn" throughout the periods of time in between actual sex, and small children do a fantastic job of dumping water on and completely smothering the embers.  The husband is continually in the position of trying to start a fire with damp wood before it starts raining again.

    There is also the prevailing wisdom that this is the natural and expected progression in a marriage; the passion subsides but leaves the couple with this "deep and comfortable companionship" that becomes the new core of the relationship, while the sexual aspect fades into the background.  It's amazing how this perfectly matches and normalizes the experience common to a great many women in a marriage, while setting up the men to look like the bad guys if they aren't happy with it.

    I would love to know how to get my wife to understand the importance of the role of lover.  She really does seem to get stuck in the "if it's important to me, then it's important to us; if it's not important to me, then it's not important to us" mindset, although she'd never admit it.

  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    @PaleoDad - From another post I made on another thread.


    And again, I'm new here, but what is so wrong with a man saying something along the lines of "Yes, I want sex with u, but sex is more than physical release...I want to connect with you on every level and sex is part of our connection" when confronted with the "all u want from me is sex" line?

    Sex with my husband/ best friend / lover/ father of my children is about way more than how my lady bits feel, so it might be nice to mention that sex is about more than one's cock. No??

    I have no idea how you've presented this to your wife & maybe you've tried this, but just offering a glimpse into the female mind.

    You are absolutely right: women are socialized to view sex completely differently than men.....probably to the dismay of both sexes!
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
    PaleoDad
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