How to DHV when he's flirty with others?

Shaz

The discussion of mateguarding got me thinking. I would have no problem doing a bit of mateguarding if another woman were trying to move in on my BF but what if he is the one trying to engage her? Now he is a friendly, sometimes flirty guy. He flirts with the widows and divorcees 10 years older than him and I think it's adorable. But a few weeks ago at a BBQ he was trying to flirt repeatedly with a woman 4 years younger and an SR point or two higher than me. It definitely pinged my lizard brain and I wanted it to stop..NOW. She was so not interested and did not encourage him. To be fair, drinks were involved and nothing he said was really anymore flirty than he would say to any of his widows. But because she is hotter than me it made me uncomfortable. I actually wandered away to mingle with other groups so I wouldn't hear any more. I think the worst was at the end of the night when she tried to get away with just shaking hands and he insisted on a hug. 

At the time I just blamed it on the drinks and wrote it off as annoying. Didn't mention it or complain to him at all. The last thing I want to do is appear insecure. An added twist is that right before we started dating he gushed to me about how perfect and beautiful he thinks this girl is (although this is the first time I've seen him interact with her at a social event) and we will probably see her at other functions at some point. I am wondering if there is a better way of handling these situations that ignoring them. How would a high value woman act?

mrsozzy

Couple of red flags here. He kept flirting when she clearly wasn't interested in doing so, and in the past he commented about how "perfect and beautiful" she is. This isn't the kind of innocent flirting that red pill people do. I'm not sure what the exact correct DHV  is here, but I wouldn't accept this as normal or desirable.

SignorePillolaRossa

he was DLV by drunkenly trying to punch above his weight - reads to me like he kinda made a minor fool of himself 

it strikes me that you handled it pretty well by moving along and letting hi go down in flames ... heck, he's only a BF - maybe neg him next time you know he'll be in her presence ... just dont make it about her - that will make you look jealous, petty, and ugly

sasha

SignorePillolaRossa said:

he was DLV by drunkenly trying to punch above his weight - reads to me like he kinda made a minor fool of himself 

it strikes me that you handled it pretty well by moving along and letting hi go down in flames ... heck, he's only a BF - maybe neg him next time you know he'll be in her presence ... just dont make it about her - that will make you look jealous, petty, and ugly

neg him how?

Sandra

Follow his lead. Get interested in other hotter men than him. Go out. Let a few of his calls go to viice mail. He must learn that if he does not treat you right you have options. He wants to hit on a hot girl? You flirt with 2 hot menz.

Shaz

Thanks mrsozzy, yeah him not getting the hint and knocking it off was a new thing for me to witness. The older ladies he flirts with are generally thrilled with the attention. She was being very polite so her disinterest may not really have registered with him. I recognized that pained politeness because I've been there myself many times, trying not to be rude to a guy you're just not into. She is his neighbor/friend's daughter so would naturally be polite. The comments he made about her being perfect were made more than a year ago and I wonder if he even remembers saying it to me. Unfortunately I have a memory like an elephant for that type of thing. 

SignorePR, I like your idea to neg him (playfully) about it, maybe something like remind him that she likes handshakes, not hugs, although I'm sure he's going to act like he has no idea what I'm talking about. I would never put her down, she's a very nice person and I would feel like a creep for getting all jealous of her when she's done nothing,

SignorePillolaRossa

i dunno, compare him to a puppy chasing a car - wouldnt know what to do with it if he caught it ... or remind him that he already swung and missed and it wasnt attractive to witness... 

i dont have much respect for guys who pull a stunt like that - alcohol is no excuse and DLV if he cant handle it

Shaz

Sandra, yes I definitely need to make more options for myself. I am way too available to him. 

Alphabelle: We've been seeing each other for a year. We're also older. I'm 41, he's 58 and was widowed after a long marriage. He's known this particular family for several years and I think has had this girl ("girl", well she's 37) on a pedestal for quite a while. But as I said I had not seen him interact with her much before this BBQ, and certainly not with alcohol involved. 

I don't think that before reading this site I would have been able to articulate what really bothered me. Being friendly and flirty is fine, especially with Peruvian grandmas in their 70s. But being flirty with someone he's acknowledged being very attracted to is...less fine.  Hmmm...

SignorePillolaRossa

ugh - 58!? ... hitting on a 37 yo!? ... pretty skeevy - barely makes the half +7 rule

 ... the DLV points just keep racking up for this guy

find a better guy

Timitz

Yeah, I don't like the way he is coming off as having you as a plan b. I'd maybe tell him you didn't appreciate the way he was acting and seeing if he shapes up. If my wife had done that I would have stopped flirting.

With that said I would make sure he knows that you don't need him. If you are super available all the time then he has no reason to be very worried about you saying knock it off. It seems to me you handled it in the trenches very well.

uglyduckling

you might be interested on how I handle it if im in your situation. 

While in a car and at a stop at the traffic, my hubby  told me he winked at a 10 year old child in the next car and she shyed away and then my husband said he'll wink at the mother. He said jokingly and didnt do it. But i was bothered by his comment.

But i let myself sometime to process my feeling. What am i feeling? (jealousy) why? (he thought of flirting with another woman) and then i tried to see in a different perspective (he was feeling sexy after i complimented him earlier and he's wearing his cool cap)..

And then i thought, im still bothered. 

so i took some time thinking of a proper, calm way to express my upset feeling to him. (i had to tell him. i figured now or i might behave resentfully later e.g, tit for tat)

I start by telling him im not blaming him or finding fault with him. im rxpressing this so that we can understand each other better...and that it is better NOT to keep to myself and misbehave later.

i said, "the thinking of you having a thought of flirting with other woman upsets me."

He found it silly that i was jealous because he was just joking and the fact that he didnt even get to see the girl's mum in the other car.

then i said, 
"it's one thing to keep the thought to yourself and its another thing when you said you'll flirt in front of your wife. it is disrespectful."

And then i let it as it is. I shut up. No apology needed  and afterward i was cheerful again.

Emotional is feminine.