MrsJon's MAP

MrsJon

I am doing my MAP a little different as I was getting overwhelmed with all the items in the different sections. Jon suggested I just work my way through the sections one at a time instead of stressing over it. So that’s what I am going to do for now. If it all starts to fall into place in a couple of months I can always readjust then. So here we go:

Section 1 - Health

I started a new diet plan and exercising a week ago. I have lost 30lbs, but have 25lbs more to go. So since last week I have eliminated the following Reds ;    Stop Slacking Off On Exercise,  Stop Eating Grains, Stop Drugging Yourself, Stop Eating Sugar, Stop eating processed food.  I lost 2lbs last week.

I am working on Yellows; Figure Out Your Medications, Manage Your Medical Care – I am on Wellbutrin for PPD. I am feeling so much better now and my energy levels are good, that I am considering coming off this. I am going to counseling once a week.

Based on the above, my goals for this week are:

Stick to meal/snack plans –no diet soda or junk food
Dance three times, Class on Wednesday, practice with DVD Monday and Friday.
Walk one mile on Tuesday and Thursday.
Go to counseling session-make list of things I want to bring up or discuss
Tell jon I love him once each day
Find one thing to thank jon for each day

The last two items don’t fit into this category,  they are from Relationship Care, I think. Jon has been doing these to me for about a week and it’s catching, so I want to do it to.

I have one other goal I want to add for today.
 About an hour before jon gets home, I start feeling a low-level anxiety stirring in my belly. I fear his withdrawal, so when he does walk in the door, I hang back, can’t look at him, because if I look in his eyes, I will know. He will come up to me and say hi, hug me and then it’s ok. Last night we had a disagreement, and he didn’t hug and kiss me before he left this morning, so I have that anxiety swirling already. I am getting tired of it. So, here is my plan:
When I hear him pull in the driveway, go straight to the door to meet him,  immediately look in his eyes, hug him and whisper “we are going to make it”
Just typing that and rereading it it sounds like it is too much. It is too bold for me. I just always want to put off looking into his eyes. I can tell instantly when it is cold/withdrawn jon, and then he is gone from me.

Well typing it up is the first step, if I can’t do it today, maybe tomorrow.  I know that goal doesn’t really belong in the health section. Not sure what section that would be in.

 

 

 

 

             

 

Serenity

So glad to see this thread. Awesome job.   :-bd

Athol_Kay

I only focus on three things a week with my coaching clients...

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2013/07/what-are-your-three-monkeys/

 

I believe you are both struggling with a lot of negative emotion from your prior pattern of interactions.

@Jon didn't come to the forum because he doesn't love you.

AlphaVsBeta

MrsJon said:

I have one other goal I want to add for today.
 About an hour before jon gets home, I start feeling a low-level anxiety stirring in my belly. I fear his withdrawal, so when he does walk in the door, I hang back, can’t look at him, because if I look in his eyes, I will know. He will come up to me and say hi, hug me and then it’s ok. Last night we had a disagreement, and he didn’t hug and kiss me before he left this morning, so I have that anxiety swirling already. I am getting tired of it. So, here is my plan:
When I hear him pull in the driveway, go straight to the door to meet him,  immediately look in his eyes, hug him and whisper “we are going to make it”
Just typing that and rereading it it sounds like it is too much. It is too bold for me. I just always want to put off looking into his eyes. I can tell instantly when it is cold/withdrawn jon, and then he is gone from me.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

Well typing it up is the first step, if I can’t do it today, maybe tomorrow.  I know that goal doesn’t really belong in the health section. Not sure what section that would be in.

 

You really need to do this ASAP! Don't wait, don't rationalize, don't give in to fear...You two are caught in this negative feedback loop, and it needs to stop. To Bold? Not by a long shot! Too much is at stake to be timid about this. The time to be bold is now! And if We (Me and all of my forum buddies standing behind me ) hear that @Jon is being withdrawn...then I have this 2x4 here waiting...

Seriously though, just do it...and plant a kiss on him too! Us guys just love that stuff!

Tiger

Have you talked to Jon about this fear of him withdrawing? Is this something that he worries about too?

MrsJon

@Athol_Kay ;  thank you for that link, that seems much more doable, I will work on coming up with two or three things for next week's goals.

@AlphaVsBeta ;   I chickened out and couldn't quite pull it off. jon was fine when he got home though. I need to be more proactive about some of this stuff, but I need to take small steps. Thank you so much for all your encouragement though.

@Tiger ;  Good questions. No I have not talked to him about it. I have done a lot of crying. venting to him in the last month or so and I am trying to be less needy and more self sufficient.
I had my counseling appointment this morning, and I brought up the anxiety about jon's withdrawal. My therapist said the anxiety is my issue and I have to own it, but that doesn't mean I can't ask him for help as I go about solving the problem for myself.
  So my assignment from her for this week is to brainstorm a list of things to overcome/resolve my anxiety. I can include jon in the brainstorming and add his suggestions to the list. If I want to implement a few things during this week I can and note the results, then bring the list to my next counseling session.

Jon has given me Wednesday nights off. I go to my dance class, then go to the library  and look at the books and magazines that I want to look at. I will not be going near the children's section. Then I will hang out with my Sister for a bit.

Today

Counseling appointment
One mile walk this afternoon
I will tell jon I love him when he comes home from work
I will thank him for the beautiful tile backsplash he did in the kitchen while he was off work.

MrsJon

@Tiger ;  I just realized I only addressed one of your questions. Thinking about what jon worries about? I would bet he worries that one day he will come home to that crazy woman and the disgusting house and out of control kids again. It is definitely possible he has the same kind of anxiety that I do. I have been very selfish in only seeing this from my perspective.
You are right, it is time for us to talk about this and help each other through.
Thank you for your thoughtful questions and posts.

MrsJon

@MILF_in_training ;   Thank you, that is really good advice!

Goals for this week:

Stick to meal plans
Dance class/dvd practice  X 3
Walking  X 5
Daily:
 –thank you & I love you to jon
-answer or return all jon’s  phone calls & texts
-go to the door to greet jon when he arrives home

We brainstormed some ideas for my end-of –day anxiety and jon said he would call every day around 4.00pm to touch base and reassure me.  I think this will help, so we are going to try that this week.

We went away this weekend, just the two of us for an overnight trip. Jon’s boss let us use his condo up in the mountains. We had a really good time. It was our first trip of any kind without children.  It was a beautiful place to stay and it was so nice to just be able to focus on each other.   We talked a lot and had a lot of fun too. We took kayaks out on the lake and hung out in the hot tub on the deck. I am so glad we did this and got to spend this time together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maria

So glad you had the chance to get away this weekend!
Time as a couple is sooo valuable, one feels reborn afterwards, doesn't one?

Your MAP sounds very reasonable, balanced and doable. The 4:00 call is a great idea and I think it's going to make you relax a bit more.
All the best!

MrsJon

@Maria ;    Thank you. Yes, reborn really describes it. I think jon is already planning the next trip!

MrsJon

My goals for this week are all the same as last week, so I won't repeat them. Working on the same things. I lost another 2lbs and I definately have more energy. 
The 4pm phone call has worked for managing my late afternoon anxiety. jon is also happy with me since I followed through on my commitment to return or answer all his calls and texts

Our oldest two daughters have birthdays this week, so two parties. The first was last night, our oldest turned seven. My Mom bought her a Kindle Fire. jon was not happy and took it away immediately. My Mom was really upset. I think she meant well and just wanted to reward her for doing so well in school. jon doesn't see it that way. The good news is jon & I didn't get into a fight about it. I just let him handle it and he returned it to Mom and told her not to buy any electronics for the children without checking with us first.
Strangely, D7 didn't seem that bothered by the situation.
jon is taking both girls out rock climbing on Saturday for a birthday outing. They are super excited about it.

jon has also decided to give the finances back to me at the end of this month. I am glad he has decided he can trust me. He will still have access to all the accounts of course, and we will sit down once a month to go over the budget, but I will be handling everything else.
I think we are going to read a Dave Ramsey book together this week or next.

So I am doing well with my goals so far and we are doing pretty well together.

 

Tiger

> I just let him handle it and he returned it to Mom and told her not to buy any electronics for the 

> children without checking with us first.

Given the family history with Kindle abuse Jon's reaction was completely appropriate.  Was your mother unaware of the history?  Actually that's a pretty crappy gift under almost any circumstances. The entire business model of the Kindle Fire is set up to give you a cheap tablet and then get you to pay for content.  What that means is that a big chunk of the cost of the device comes after the purchase, it's a terrible gift to give to someone else's children because the parents are on the hook for the cost of the content and have to keep being the bad guy saying no all the time for requests for more games or whatnot to play on the device.

+1 awesomeness point for Jon.

MrsJon

@Tiger ; My Mom was the one that gave them the original Kindle that caused all the problems. So I can see jon's point of view on this. I just don't think my Mom really meant to cause harm. She most likely just wasn't thinking.

D7 did get plenty of other age appropriate gifts at the party, so she wasn't upset.

 

Tiger

The conversation will likely be a bit awkward, but you should probably do some mother management here. Help her understand what she did wrong and that she must think before exposing things to your children.  If she has any questions on if something is appropriate to let you know.

When she asks about something, thank her for checking with you and if you are not certain what Jon will say then it is perfectly reasonable to defer an answer until you talk to Jon and you and your husband can make a joint decision.

Parenting is hard enough without grandparents making things harder

Athol_Kay

Could always ask for grandma's credit card to attach to her Kindle Fire....  :-D

 

MrsJon

@Tiger ; Thank you, yes, not a fun conversation, but one that needs to happen. jon thinks the worst of her and I try to think the best of her, so we need to discuss and be united on this.

Thank you for all your good advice.

Tiger

Glad to help @MrsJon.

Looked at in the correct light, this is pretty much a positive for your relationship and family.

1) Jon gets to be decisive and make good decisions (Display of High Value for him).

2) Your daughter sees he parents overruling grandma so she knows who's in charge.

3) You get to show Jon that you support his decision and followed through with your mother (Display of High Value for you).

MrsJon

@AlphaBelle ; Thank you for your encouraging comment. My week is going well so far. I hope yours is too.
I really don't see myself as inspirational at all, but thank you for the compliment. After reading on the forum, I see so many strong women. I feel weak in comparison.

Yes, the whole avoiding closeness due to fear of xyz is just a nasty habit that trapped me into a continued negative cycle. I am lucky to have a really good therapist that is  helping me manage my way out of that.

I am trying to be as transparent as possible in my postings. There are some issues I am not comfortable mentioning or discussing, so I just omit those and they are on the back burner for now. I am focusing on the things I can change and improve on.

I am sorry you are struggling with avoidance/emotional issues with your husband. Wishing you luck in tackling it all this week.

MrsJon

 

Athol_Kay

MrsJon said:

I really don't see myself as inspirational at all, but thank you for the compliment. After reading on the forum, I see so many strong women. I feel weak in comparison.

No one comes to MMSL strong. You're doing fine.  :-)

redheaded_woman

Hey @MrsJon

You said in the post above:
"I am focusing on the things I can change and improve on."

Of all the things I've seen on the forum the last couple of days, I NEEDED to hear that.

It's easy for me to get caught up in that whirlwind of things I really can't change or have no control over.

I need to take a step back and ask myself if X is a situation I can control or change and if not, let it go.

Lightbulb!!!

*-:)

MrsJon

@redheaded_woman ;    I agree, it is so easy to become overwhelmed when there are a lot of problems to resolve. I have read some of your posts. You seem like a very strong, energetic person. Good luck in resolving your marriage issues. I think we all need each other for support and encouragement.