Rebuilding trust during deployment?

NaughtyZootNaughtyZoot San DiegoSilver Member Posts: 50
edited August 2013 in Married Life
Hello wonderful forum folks. I’ve been away a bit wrapping up school and cramming in as much time with the husband as possible before he deployed. Here’s my first post introducing myself and our situation for reference. 

Things have been so great between us. I can’t even wrap my head around how we went from me wanting a divorce to feeling like I have the best marriage I could ever hope for, despite the short amount of time we had together before he left (he was only home half the time leading up to his departure). We’ve been able to email and IM some. Last night the conversation turned to OM (is he super physically attractive, does he work out a lot, did we take pictures together, why weren’t we friends on FB, etc.). Our counselor told me to answer his questions and I do. But it made him go to a bad place. He’s only been gone a week and he’s already feeling insecure and anxious about us. He said he can’t help but feel he’s at a crossroad and that he could see this as a perfect opportunity to start a new life with me, and alternatively to be separated from me for 8 months and start a new life without me.  

He lost comms and emailed me later and said if I’m afraid he’s choosing against us then I’m wrong, that it feels like a sore muscle that you keep pressing on to see if it still hurts, and that he needed to ask those questions because they were on his mind. I know he’s afraid I’ll get back in touch with OM or worse, and I completely understand those thoughts. I don't expect him to fully trust me yet, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t risk losing what we finally have now. I feel helpless because I don’t know how to help him feel better about us being apart. It’s true that I could call OM or meet up with him and he’ll never know. But how do I assure him I won’t? “Words are wind,” but those are all that I can give him for the next 8 months. I could really use some thoughts or advice. Thank you so much. 
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Comments

  • Adam_SAdam_S Queenslander!Silver Member Posts: 1,893
    Why are there trust issues?

    "But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks

  • Adam_SAdam_S Queenslander!Silver Member Posts: 1,893

    Oh hang on I've read the post you linked to now and I think I get it.

    Please don't take this as me trying to be unpleasant to you or anything because I'm not, but wouldn't not sleeping with anybody while he's away be a good start with the whole trust thing?

    Let him know how much you appreciate the MAP stuff and that his first officer is very eagerly awaiting his return.

    "But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks

  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    @adam_s
    "Please don't take this as me trying to be unpleasant to you or anything because I'm not, but wouldn't not sleeping with anybody while he's away be a good start with the whole trust thing?"

    Did you read her post? That's kinda obvious and she just said the same thing. Just seems counterproductive.
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    @naughtyzoot
    This is perfectly normal. He will go through these periods for some time. They will become less frequent over time if you both handle this well. Eventually it will not cause him major pain and worry.
    Read this
    http://affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/

    I found this to be good insight for your role in this.
  • NaughtyZootNaughtyZoot San DiegoSilver Member Posts: 50
    edited August 2013
    Thank you @The_Dude. That link was so very helpful. I need to keep this one particular quote in mind at all times: "Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly." We want so badly to move past this and I often find myself acting as if he has. That's wrong. And I need to apologize more. Maybe words can be enough while he's away, if I use them fittingly and often enough.     
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    Awesome. So glad you read that and got it. Listen, my wife is sometimes impatient when I have a bad day. They get less and less frequent but even two years out I have them once in a while.
    There is a lot of good points in that. Some will not apply to everyone.
    One I remember very clearly is that when he is having a funk, move toward instead of away. Avoidance is the natural inclination but the reverse of what helps. If he pushes back hard then give him space.
    This doesn't work if he's away but remember it. And maybe there's a long distance equivalent.
    NaughtyZoot
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    So glad to meet someone who is actively fixing things. Some of the stories I hear on here are so painful because the wayward spouse is unsympathetic and not remorseful.
    My wife did an awesome job with the recovery or we wouldn't have made it.
  • NaughtyZootNaughtyZoot San DiegoSilver Member Posts: 50
    And it's great to know that other couples have been able to stay together and get through it. Good tip above. You helped me realize I need to step it up in helping him (hopefully) get past what I did. Thanks so much! 
  • TimitzTimitz Silver Member Posts: 820
    That was a great link.
    "You must be like water which always seeks the easiest and best path around obstacles." Sun Tzu
    NaughtyZoot
  • PandaBear7PandaBear7 OKSilver Member Posts: 436
    Where did H deploy to? How many deployments have the 2 of you been through together ?
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    You're military too?
  • NaughtyZootNaughtyZoot San DiegoSilver Member Posts: 50
    I was military but have been out for many years. We've gone through 3 deployments, including this one. I was deployed the first time on the ground in Iraq 2003, him on the ground in Afghanistan 2010. He's on a ship this time around, but with a Marine Expeditionary Unit quick-reaction force. Really keeping my fingers crossed we stay out of this Syria business, for obvious personal reasons. I'd like him to stay on the ship as much as possible.    
  • The_D_WordThe_D_Word Silver Member Posts: 362

    When you're deployed, your mind has lots of time to occupy.  If he is experiencing doubt, as he clearly is, he is going to have an inclination to wonder about what is happening with you back home.  You don't answer the phone when he calls - "why isn't she answering her phone, is she with OM?"  You don't respond to emails right away - "is she phasing me out for OM?"...and on and on.  He may fight the doubt, but it will be in the back of his mind.  You tell him how friendly the neighbor has been and how he came over and mowed your lawn - his mind will start to wonder.  You gave him a reason to have doubt and he is half way around the world with no way to accurately gauge what is going on back home.  It may not seem fair, but that's the way it is. 

    You may consider ending each day with a type of daily log about what you did and who you did it with...a preemtive killing of his doubts.  Email it to him before you go to bed so he can read it when he checks his email the next day.  You may also want to mix in how you think about him, how you can't wait til he gets home, how you masterbate while fantasizing about him being there fucking you, etc.  It may seem over the top, but he will likely need constant reinforcement that you are committed to him and him alone.

    It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. — Emiliano Zapata

    The best activities for your health are pumping and humping. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Hipster_HickTimitzNaughtyZoot
  • Hipster_HickHipster_Hick A little of this, a little of that. I get aroundSilver Member Posts: 447
    I guess I'm a little cynical in this regard, but deployments are not a time to build trust.  They are a time to draw from a reservoir of built up trust to get you through.  The longer you are away from each other without physical touch the more you will detach to some degree.  I know that's probably not what you want to hear.

    I talked to my wife and kids almost every day over Skype.  I think seeing each other is better than hearing each other.  It maintained that connection to some degree - or at least slowed the decay.  If he's dropping comms from time to time or has limited access, then make the times when you can talk matter.  Make plans for what you'll do with/to each other when you get back.
    -----------------
    No, I don't go cow-tipping.  It's too mainstream...
    The_D_WordPandaBear7Timitz
  • NaughtyZootNaughtyZoot San DiegoSilver Member Posts: 50
    @The_D_Word Nope doesn't seem over the top at all. It's good advice and I especially like the idea of sending him a daily email of my activities. Hmm but I wonder how graphic I can get with all email going through the ship's comm/IT section but I'll be sure to ask him.      
  • The_D_WordThe_D_Word Silver Member Posts: 362

    deployments are not a time to build trust

    Very true, deployments are relationship killers, but not much she can do about the lack of trust at this point.

    I talked to my wife...almost every day over Skype.

    If you can get consistent bandwidth, this is the way to go.  Last time I was downrange, I couldn't get consistent bandwidth so Skype became a huge hastle and actually became a major downer during our calls.  We ended up just going to standard phone calls and it actually improved communication.

    It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. — Emiliano Zapata

    The best activities for your health are pumping and humping. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

  • The_D_WordThe_D_Word Silver Member Posts: 362
    @The_D_Word Nope doesn't seem over the top at all. It's good advice and I especially like the idea of sending him a daily email of my activities. Hmm but I wonder how graphic I can get with all email going through the ship's comm/IT section but I'll be sure to ask him.      
    It may or may not get scanned.  I'm not Navy, so I don't know their processes/procedures.  As long as it's not blocked, the lack of privacy of having someone monitoring it may be worth the peace of mind it provides.  I'd avoid pictures, though.  From talking to some comm guys, nudie pics get stripped out of the emails so you're just sending nudie pics to the comm guys but not your husband.  Comm guys seem to like it, though.

    It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. — Emiliano Zapata

    The best activities for your health are pumping and humping. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

    PandaBear7
  • NaughtyZootNaughtyZoot San DiegoSilver Member Posts: 50
    @Hipster_Hick I totally understand what you're saying. Unfortunately we just didn't have much time to create much of a reserve. We weren't even expecting to stay together really. It was truly a shock to both of us how things turned out; how after everything that happened and everything that we shared, we wanted to stay together. I know it's going to be extremely difficult and he's going to doubt my veracity at probably every turn but I will do whatever it takes to help him see that I'm 100% committed to him. 

    Skyping won't be possible unless he's in port and can find Wi-Fi. Email through his official ship address shall be it, and maybe an occasional phone call but I'm not certain of that. 

    From talking to some comm guys, nudie pics get stripped out of the emails so you're just sending nudie pics to the comm guys but not your husband.  Comm guys seem to like it, though.

    Good thing he got all the nudie pics and video his iPhone could hold before he left! Wouldn't want those to surface when I eventually seek a judgeship, ha.  
     
    PandaBear7
  • PandaBear7PandaBear7 OKSilver Member Posts: 436

    When you're deployed, your mind has lots of time to occupy.  If he is experiencing doubt, as he clearly is, he is going to have an inclination to wonder about what is happening with you back home.  You don't answer the phone when he calls - "why isn't she answering her phone, is she with OM?"  You don't respond to emails right away - "is she phasing me out for OM?"...and on and on.  He may fight the doubt, but it will be in the back of his mind.  You tell him how friendly the neighbor has been and how he came over and mowed your lawn - his mind will start to wonder.  You gave him a reason to have doubt and he is half way around the world with no way to accurately gauge what is going on back home.  It may not seem fair, but that's the way it is. 

    You may consider ending each day with a type of daily log about what you did and who you did it with...a preemtive killing of his doubts.  Email it to him before you go to bed so he can read it when he checks his email the next day.  You may also want to mix in how you think about him, how you can't wait til he gets home, how you masterbate while fantasizing about him being there fucking you, etc.  It may seem over the top, but he will likely need constant reinforcement that you are committed to him and him alone.

    Wish my W had done these things. I believe a care package with some worn panties is in order. Do every thing you can to reassure him so he can focus on the fight and his subordinates .

  • TimitzTimitz Silver Member Posts: 820

    @The_D_Word Nope doesn't seem over the top at all. It's good advice and I especially like the idea of sending him a daily email of my activities. Hmm but I wonder how graphic I can get with all email going through the ship's comm/IT section but I'll be sure to ask him.      

    Don't send him anything you don't want the IT's to see or read. The only thing those idiots can do right is take your naked pics for themselves and claim that the problems with the system aren't their fault.

    I would send him letters with the graphic content and perhaps spritz some perfume on it. Something about letters...
    "You must be like water which always seeks the easiest and best path around obstacles." Sun Tzu
    Hipster_Hick
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