Hello wonderful forum folks. I’ve been away a bit wrapping up school and cramming in as much time with the husband as possible before he deployed. Here’s my first post introducing myself and our situation for reference.
Things have been so great between us. I can’t even wrap my head around how we went from me wanting a divorce to feeling like I have the best marriage I could ever hope for, despite the short amount of time we had together before he left (he was only home half the time leading up to his departure). We’ve been able to email and IM some. Last night the conversation turned to OM (is he super physically attractive, does he work out a lot, did we take pictures together, why weren’t we friends on FB, etc.). Our counselor told me to answer his questions and I do. But it made him go to a bad place. He’s only been gone a week and he’s already feeling insecure and anxious about us. He said he can’t help but feel he’s at a crossroad and that he could see this as a perfect opportunity to start a new life with me, and alternatively to be separated from me for 8 months and start a new life without me.
He lost comms and emailed me later and said if I’m afraid he’s choosing against us then I’m wrong, that it feels like a sore muscle that you keep pressing on to see if it still hurts, and that he needed to ask those questions because they were on his mind. I know he’s afraid I’ll get back in touch with OM or worse, and I completely understand those thoughts. I don't expect him to fully trust me yet, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t risk losing what we finally have now. I feel helpless because I don’t know how to help him feel better about us being apart. It’s true that I could call OM or meet up with him and he’ll never know. But how do I assure him I won’t? “Words are wind,” but those are all that I can give him for the next 8 months. I could really use some thoughts or advice. Thank you so much.
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"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
Oh hang on I've read the post you linked to now and I think I get it.
Please don't take this as me trying to be unpleasant to you or anything because I'm not, but wouldn't not sleeping with anybody while he's away be a good start with the whole trust thing?
Let him know how much you appreciate the MAP stuff and that his first officer is very eagerly awaiting his return.
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
"Please don't take this as me trying to be unpleasant to you or anything because I'm not, but wouldn't not sleeping with anybody while he's away be a good start with the whole trust thing?"
Did you read her post? That's kinda obvious and she just said the same thing. Just seems counterproductive.
This is perfectly normal. He will go through these periods for some time. They will become less frequent over time if you both handle this well. Eventually it will not cause him major pain and worry.
Read this
http://affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/
I found this to be good insight for your role in this.
There is a lot of good points in that. Some will not apply to everyone.
One I remember very clearly is that when he is having a funk, move toward instead of away. Avoidance is the natural inclination but the reverse of what helps. If he pushes back hard then give him space.
This doesn't work if he's away but remember it. And maybe there's a long distance equivalent.
My wife did an awesome job with the recovery or we wouldn't have made it.
When you're deployed, your mind has lots of time to occupy. If he is experiencing doubt, as he clearly is, he is going to have an inclination to wonder about what is happening with you back home. You don't answer the phone when he calls - "why isn't she answering her phone, is she with OM?" You don't respond to emails right away - "is she phasing me out for OM?"...and on and on. He may fight the doubt, but it will be in the back of his mind. You tell him how friendly the neighbor has been and how he came over and mowed your lawn - his mind will start to wonder. You gave him a reason to have doubt and he is half way around the world with no way to accurately gauge what is going on back home. It may not seem fair, but that's the way it is.
You may consider ending each day with a type of daily log about what you did and who you did it with...a preemtive killing of his doubts. Email it to him before you go to bed so he can read it when he checks his email the next day. You may also want to mix in how you think about him, how you can't wait til he gets home, how you masterbate while fantasizing about him being there fucking you, etc. It may seem over the top, but he will likely need constant reinforcement that you are committed to him and him alone.
It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. — Emiliano Zapata
The best activities for your health are pumping and humping. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
I talked to my wife and kids almost every day over Skype. I think seeing each other is better than hearing each other. It maintained that connection to some degree - or at least slowed the decay. If he's dropping comms from time to time or has limited access, then make the times when you can talk matter. Make plans for what you'll do with/to each other when you get back.
No, I don't go cow-tipping. It's too mainstream...
deployments are not a time to build trust
Very true, deployments are relationship killers, but not much she can do about the lack of trust at this point.
I talked to my wife...almost every day over Skype.
If you can get consistent bandwidth, this is the way to go. Last time I was downrange, I couldn't get consistent bandwidth so Skype became a huge hastle and actually became a major downer during our calls. We ended up just going to standard phone calls and it actually improved communication.
It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. — Emiliano Zapata
The best activities for your health are pumping and humping. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. — Emiliano Zapata
The best activities for your health are pumping and humping. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
I would send him letters with the graphic content and perhaps spritz some perfume on it. Something about letters...