Punk-bitch sister in law.

ChaseSway

I am trying to pass a shit test, especially with relationships that are not helping my cause. One particular relationship that I will use as an example is my wife’s sister and her husband. With this particular couple they like to use us (mainly my wife) to get things. At times they seem genuine only to find that they later stabbed us in the back to other relatives. My wife will make new friends and suddenly her sister thinks that it is my wife’s job to let the sister piggy back off her to make my wife’s friend now the sisters friend. It is not only annoying but difficult to shield people from this sister. The big problem is however is that we break the ice and the sister only shows interest in the friends that my wife makes, especially if the friends have money.The little sister for some reason thinks she has to follow every path my wife travels, without making a solid life (or friends) on her own, and that she is entitled to get to know whomever we befriend. Some friends write off the little sister and her husband, but others are turned off and possibly feel like they dont want to have to "choose" between us.

   A problem with this is that once the little sister comes into the picture they try to act like they have an inside scoop about us (usually the husband does this to other males of the group to discredit myself as an asshole or phony) and assassinate our character behind our backs. It is all usually done very passive aggressively so my wife and I don't always know. It is like their way of eliminating me as a possible AMOG.  We go to church together, and family functions and anyone my wife and I start a friendship with the little sister is right there afterwards asking for details.

   My initial response to this behavior is to just flush down the sister and encourage my wife to cut her sister off. So when the sister comes asking for details about what was said between my wife and friends on facebook, I encourage my wife to either change the subject or give little to no details. What makes this difficult is that my wife is not good at dodging these types of things, especially from a little sister that knows how to manipulate her. Example my wife ran a 10k with other neighborhood SAHM's, result from little sister: "if i werent pregnant that would have been fun" assuming she would have been invited.

   My reason for posting this? Support and new insight. Maybe a little insight to sister to sister relationships. I grew up with 8  brothers where we usually argue, fight, then move on.

Im_a_Man

The sister and BiL sound toxic and you're wife has to agree with you that they are toxic.

I don't think cutting them off is a great solution, you need distance and clear boundaries. Just because she is the sister does not mean she gets to share friends and have access to all your friend relationships. If she forms friendships with your friends let her do it on her own.

Boundaries

- Don't discuss personal marriage stuff with sister or B-i-L

- Don't feel guilty about having your own friends.

- Don't discuss sister with friends

- You without women present tell B-i-L "people" (don't be specific) are saying he is bad mouthing you. Tell him you didn't believe it and know that if he had any problems with you he would tell you directly. Let him know that you have his back and expect that as family you expect him to have your back too.

If all this fails then consider cutting them off...perhaps moving away would be easier.

Flaming_Man_of_Iron

Isn't there a book called "Boundaries"?

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Yes, there is. You and your wife would do well to read it, from what I understand of this book. 

JellyBean

You said, "I am trying to pass a shit test, especially with relationships that are not helping my cause."  You used your SIL and her husband as an example.  Will you please offer another example so I can understand better?

Also, please clarify what exactly the shit test is that you are trying to pass.  This seems a bit vague to me.

In the example you offered, it sounds like your wife and her sister are deeply emotionally enmeshed and are acting out, over and over, a dynamic that probably established itself during their childhoods.  The way to get past that is to be the strong leader that offers a better situation to your wife than her gossipy, bratty sister and her husband.

If your church community supports this kind of back-stabbing crap, it's time to consider breaking up with your church community in favor of one that is more supportive.

Angeline

Move. Sometimes the only answer with toxic families is to move away.

Kickboxer

I also have toxic family relationships. My wife and I have recently decided to set boundaries up with all of them. In each case it is the job of the blood to set the wall up. I handle my side and she does her side. I try to captain by letting my wife know where she could have done something. 

As a guy I know exactly what I would do if my BiL was doing dirty things to me behind my back. Confront. You may not be able to throw her sister out of your lives but he is not family. Any little boy who acts like that needs to become that little bitch. Sounds a little harsh but if he wants to talk bad behind your back you need to do something. If he really is that kind of person you will have no problem with key family members. All you have to say is, "He was talking bad about me behind my back, just like he tells about you." I doubt you are the only one he gossips about. 

JellyBean

You might find some useful comments over at this thread:

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/7744/handling-in-laws#latest