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Quick Triage Answers and Some Specific Sex-Related Questions

MollyCassidyMollyCassidy StatesideMember Posts: 57
in 6. High-Energy Sex
1. Medical - I have no medical issues. I have had two children and lost all pregnancy weight, and while I would be happy to lose maybe ten pounds, I would be unhealthy to lose anymore. I'm within the healthy weight zone. My husband is overweight, but probably not substantially. He had surgery on his back two years ago that makes him nervous about certain forms of exercise, such as running or sit-ups. I've never used any hormonal birth control - we track my fertility and use condoms as necessary to prevent pregnancy.

2. Structural - We are both bad with day-to-day financial decisions, but have had enough foresight to set aside for retirement (through 401ks and IRAs). We own one car, are making payments on another (will soon be selling it), and have about $3000 in credit card debt (yuck). The onus for our current debt definitely falls on me, though he is also bad at long-term financial planning.

3. Critical moments & Neglect - I can't think of any. He is a very caring partner. I doubt he would say he can think of any either, though he may be able to if he sat down and contemplated for awhile. I can be very critical and naggy (working on this hardcore; thank heavens I found red pill thinking a few months ago.

4. Outside Sexual Sources - None for either of us. We are very committed to making this work, and divorce is not an option.

5. When did the sex go bad - When I got pregnant with our first kid, unfortunately a month after we married (I was 21). I had a very low sex drive during pregnancy and afterwards. The afterwards bit I attribute to the fact that I held onto my baby weight until I got pregnant with our second child, so I felt miserably unsexy the whole time. Since I lost the baby weight and discovered red pill thinking, things have gotten much better (yay for being responsive). I wouldn't say the sex is bad at all, actually; I just have a couple questions.

6. Sex before it went bad - Great. We only dated for three sexy months before we got married, though, so there's not a lot to go on. We'd both had sex with two people previously, though neither of mine were remotely alphas (it was a religious rebellion thing for me way more than attraction), so I don't think there's any alpha-widow thing going on.

7. Elephants - I can't think of any, other than that I would LOVE it if my husband got in better shape, and I have no idea how to tell him. I have only recently gotten a hold of my own weight, and I'm still not in great shape (youngest just turned one), so I'd feel hypocritical saying anything. I also know that I am inclined to criticism and generally unaware of how much it hurts others, and I'm working on this, and I want desperately not to add his own physicality to the list of things I hurt him by criticizing. So maybe that makes two elephants, his out-of-shapeness and my critical heart.

8. Leader - We're working on this. Learning to give up my need for control by being responsive to his sexual advances was a challenge for me, and has been a HUGE win for both of us. Practically, I'm working on following the budget he's set for us. I should note that he doesn't do things like set a budget or any parameters really unless I ask him to. It's a combination of three years of my bossiness plus his own eager-to-please personality. He's aware of my manosphere explorations (heehee), but I'm not sure he takes them as seriously as I do.

9. Marriage - Oh, has it been a wonderful challenge. We were young, dated briefly, and got pregnant right away. What more can I say? I love him, though, and he loves me, and we're working things out.

So here are my questions: I am MUCH more adventurous sexually than I have ever let on with my husband. Things have recently been heating up as I let go of my need for control, which has been awesome. But I'm not sure how to broach subjects like spanking or anal, which I would totally be into, without risking freaking him out. I have no good grasp on whether my interest is normal or weird, whether he'd be disgusted if he knew, or whether most guys are into that kind of thing. Any tips you all have on this would be welcomed.

My other question is how to broach the topic of my desire for him to get in better shape. I don't want to hurt him, but I know how much more turned on I would be if I were physically attracted to him. I'm not, really, which is hard to admit, but it's true. I love him, I love having sex with him, but the physical attraction just isn't there.

So there, I said it. Thanks to anyone who reads this monster of a post, and to anyone who has any insight that might help.

Tagged:
Kathrynthegreat
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Comments

  • ChetChet Mo USAMember Posts: 149
    edited September 2013
    Hi, and welcome!

    I'm not going into huge detail here, since I know some of the more experienced FO's are going to be better suited to give you that.  But I will get the first and most important piece of advice out of the way.

    #1 - Read the MAP book.  Seriously.  It's works for both men and women, and will teach you fundamentals that are important.

    Understand a couple of basic concepts:

     - You cannot change other people, only yourself. They may respond, they may not, but you'll be a better person for it, regardless.

     - Attraction is not a choice, so don't beat up yourself or someone else if you don't feel it.  Can it be acquired? Possibly, through the other person's actions and changes.

    Now, with those out of the way, I will yield the floor to experienced FO's to give you insight from the Double-X-Chromosome side of things.
  • MollyCassidyMollyCassidy StatesideMember Posts: 57
    Ok. Book is purchased. It's been in my amazon cart forever, anyway. :)
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    My first lover introduced me to anal and having pinV during menstration (although she would NOT give BJ at all, only one who wouldn't) Almost anything can be introduced as a suggestion. As far as getting him in shape is concerned, you may want to check about fitness centers where he can get advice on how to exercise with a back problem.)By the way, I am a man.)
  • DarKeyesDarKeyes Silver Member Posts: 660

    Sounds like he needs to Alpha up. (wow, I've been saying that a lot lately, but I suspect it's true)

    Also, I recommend YOU take more risks, it will encourage him to do the same.

  • FleurFleur Joining the witless protection programMember Posts: 668
    Lots of guys are into anal, and many of them also don't bring it up for fear of it being negatively received by their partner.  For better or worse, my BF was not shy about bring it up.  If you do decide to go that route read up on it as much as you can before hand and use lots and lots of lube.  It's easy to get hurt back there.

    As for getting in shape, maybe there are activities you both like that you can do together to make exercising more fun.

    DaveBowman
  • MollyCassidyMollyCassidy StatesideMember Posts: 57
    DarKeyes, I think so too, but it's also not really my business. Fleur, we do go on walks together, but activities are limited by the kiddos (one and three).
  • FleurFleur Joining the witless protection programMember Posts: 668
    Ahh, one and three, that can be tough.  Fitness DVD's work for some people.  P90X and it's clones are pretty popular.  Not sure how best to bring it up, maybe try the health angle instead of attraction, like you want him to be healthy and around for a long time and the extra weight or whatever is a concern to you.

    Oh, and if you want to "notify" someone that you're mentioning them in a post, just put the @ sign in front of their name.  Like this @MollyCasidy



  • MollyCassidyMollyCassidy StatesideMember Posts: 57
    haha, good to know. :)

    I have mentioned it to him as a health concern before (because that is a concern also), and he'll do something for a little while and then stop. I can certainly sympathize with the difficulty of sticking with something long term, but I think he might care more if he knew the attraction was an issue.
  • KathrynthegreatKathrynthegreat TeamAmazonWarriorPrincessMember Posts: 3,770
    How to approach the subject of spanking? Next time you're doggystyle moan "smack my ass!" Then when he complies follow that with "Oh I love it when you smack my ass!"

    Anal? 90% of my anal explorations have been solo. It takes a while to work up to being able to take anything remotely the size of a penis comfortably. I personally wanted to get where I was comfortable with it before introducing it with a partner. Anal is a bit of a project.
    shibariDaveBowman
  • frillyfunfrillyfun East PodunkGold Women Posts: 3,386
    I framed it to my H that we can have a great sex life, and handed him a copy of the MMSL Primer, and let Athol explain it all to him.  We're also doing some yoga together- it's hard to argue with a woman doing a down dog in your face.

    There's also this you could forward to him:
    mountainDRocK
  • MollyCassidyMollyCassidy StatesideMember Posts: 57
    Oh, that's excellent. :)
  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaGold Men Posts: 2,410
    The trouble with weight is unless he really wants to do it for himself no change will be permanent. Athols book spoke to me like no other book has. I realized that instead of focusing p.m. why my wife doesn't want to fuck me I should focus on being the best I could be. That was all it took for me, obviously YMMV.

    My wife always said being in shape wasn't that important for her, and maybe it wasn't. But having 12%bf and muscles hasn't hurt lol
    Insert witty, insightful signature here.
    MplsRSTiger
  • SignorePillolaRossaSignorePillolaRossa mid atlantic usaSilver Member Posts: 4,079
    Kathrynthegreat said:

    I like this technique.  However if you're going to use it, I strongly recommend a few weeks of preparation with an anal trainer kit.  Nothing worse than begging a guy to fuck you in the ass and screaming for him to stop ten seconds later.
    listen to this amazing woman and heed her advice
    Sr. PR

    ============================
    sapere aude

    Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
    ============================
    redheaded_womanshibari
  • MollyCassidyMollyCassidy StatesideMember Posts: 57

    you <one hand stroking him to hardness, other hand playing with his hair near his neck and tracing the ridge of one of his ears while you whisper in the other ear using a breathy, turned on voice> Baby? If I get you hard ... <sexy low moan and soft gasp> ... would you fuck my ass? ... <lick his ear like you are licking his cock> ... please?

    pro tip: in addition to sexual requests, this technique has been known to work for requests regarding redecorating / remodeling, vacationing with in laws, etc :))
    Hm, I like this idea. Still nervous he'll think I'm weird, but it's way less awkward than having a good old fashioned sit-down discussion about it. :)

    I should note that I'm not just fantasizing here. One of my previous boyfriends was into it, and while I wasn't into him much (and so wasn't into much he did), I am familiar enough with the process to know what I'm getting into. :)
  • MollyCassidyMollyCassidy StatesideMember Posts: 57
    The_Dude said:
    I would hold off temporarily on handing him the primer. Talk this through carefully here before doing it. Receiving that from your wife can set off unpredictable results unless you prepare properly. I would suggest you do focus on his weight. After getting married i put on about 40 pounds. My wife nagged me sometimes then gave up. It was a major factor in our later problems. No need to panic, but if you are losing attraction because of that, you need to get him to fix it. The books have some good strategies but they're more involved than simply telling him.
    Yes, I definitely won't say anything until I've read the books themselves. What sorts of unpredictable results do you mean? And I don't mean to make it sound like he's a loser or complete beta or anything; he's not. But he's not a natural super-alpha, and it seems that only natural super-alphas can survive without some red pill thinking. It's also not like he's an unattractive dude - he's got a nice face, great hair, good build. It's just the weight that's an issue.
  • OneEyedDrunkOneEyedDrunk Out West Silver Member Posts: 1,808
    MollyCassidy said:
    DarKeyes, I think so too, but it's also not really my business. Fleur, we do go on walks together, but activities are limited by the kiddos (one and three).

    It's not easy trying to introduce things. If your husband is anything like my wife of course. The best advice I can give is for you to share ideas of articles you have read (I.e. I read this article about anal. It says you can have the best orgasm). Of course, you can always just get really turned on, and simply tell him to put it in your back door for a change. A little lube and pound away!
    oneeyeddrunk.weebly.com
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    edited September 2013
    There are other people here with more background that can probably give you a better answer than I can. I've seen enough threads here to know the intention of giving your husband the book can vary widely and the reaction can too. It doesn't sound like you have major relationship problems at all but he could easily misinterpret it. Sometimes wives give their husbands the book after trying other things and being deeply dissatisfied. 
    Don't get me wrong, both books are terrific and would've a great resource for both of you.

    Read this link and you may understand why I was concerned you might just hand it to him. http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/09/what-your-partner-reading-mmsl-really-means/
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