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Comments
First, a lot of respondents said that I needed to be more Alpha. Thanks for answering that question for me. I thought so. Exactly how to do it is the part I'm dealing with because, as I said, that's what she's specifically reacting against. I didn't go into detail about it, but over the last year, while working on Alpha, I did go through a period of "assuming", "taking", and "doing" (@JohnGrey), and she let me know that she didn't like being ordered around. I kept at it and, when she continued to oppose it, I eventually told her that she should see if letting me be Captain, and acting as First Officer, might be good for our relationship. She didn't like that idea at all and continued to resist it. I think that at some point (around six months ago) I told her that there was a method to this madness and... she immediately wanted to read the book for herself. She's still specifically opposed to me maneauvering her or issuing directives in bed without first telling her what I've got in mind and her deciding that she's ok with it. So I've toned it down to that. That is specifically what I meant by "suggesting" things in bed. I await the requisite howls of disapproval. I would appreciate your suggestions on how to get past this resistance without throwing up her red flags.
Second, I'm really surprised that so many believe it was a mistake to share the MMSL Primer with my wife. Some may have missed that I kept it from her for six months. Does anyone here disagree with the proposition that I should have kept it from her? I note that there are whole sections of the book written to wives of MMSL men and I didn't see anything in the book suggesting that it should be kept from spouses -- nor on the blog. The blog post noted by @shibari, http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/09/what-your-partner-reading-mmsl-really-means/, actually encourages the spouse to read all of MMSL.
Her primary objection to the MAP is that it is a plan that makes her subservient to me, First Officer to my Captain. Her secondary objection is that reading a book and following a secret strategy for our relationship without telling her is manipulative. I believed that it wasn't manipulative on the grounds that I was willing to share it with her at any time. I'm actually really proud of the fact that I told her about it when I bought it a year ago (I said I had ordered a book for me about relationships) and she said she was interested in hearing more about it -- and then she forgot about it and didn't ask me any more about it, like I'd hoped she would!
I don't want to have a "covert contract" with my wife. I'm not trying to manipulate her into being subject to my will. I would rather have an overt contract: I become a better man -- the kind of lover/partner that she wants and needs -- and she responds by doing the same for me.
@zeroday, you bring up an important point when you say, "The red pill is so unfair. But don't hate the player hate the game." What, exactly, is the game in this case? MMSL? She's already made it clear that she hates this game. The male/female mating dynamic which makes MMSL necessary? Is manipulation necessary as a part of that? Do you all agree that it Is it a necessary part of happy marriages?
Third, @JustMe, we are in complete agreement about how children will complicate things. She and I had another, intense, round of this discussion this weekend (maybe I'll write another post about it) and agreed that we need to put having kids on hold again until we're sure that we've worked this out. She suggested this.
Fourth, thank you for your insights, @KatherineKelly. I think you are absolutely right about her not wanting to let go of dominance because she is afraid of losing control. That describes my wife very well. I think I will need to develop and maintain an insane, obsessive amount of control over our household -- far more than I want to -- in order to make her trust me to be in charge. And she *has* had bad experiences with controlling boyfriends before, so that probably accounts for her reluctance to cede control.
She enjoys doing spontaneous things when I suggest them and show her that I've planned out all of the details so that it's completely (or almost completely) safe. In this way, she has been known to get excited, in the moment, about skinny dipping together, taking erotic pictures of each other, and anal sex. (On the other hand, I wouldn't describe her as sensual, and she never dances seductively).
I look forward to reading your other posts/comments.
I haven't read the MAP book yet. I'll get on that and, @neen, I will have her read it if I agree that it presents the MAP in such a way as she might better understand its benefits.
Thanks again, all.
Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
Others may confirm or correct me on this, however, I believe that the concept of Cpt/FO has been moderated to 'either or both can do/be either/both as long as it is understood who is doing what and who is responsible for what' - designation and accountability.
Your initial directives to your wife are too strong at this time - as evidenced by her response. (I received the same.) To get started, try throwing her some soft pitches: "Come over here by me." - "Lift up your top" (in mid-sex). "Show me your boobs."
Have you started sexting? There's a thread here with a lot of dialogue about that.
This one is good for graphics. My wife actually sent me her first sex response to one of these today:
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/comment/224764#Comment_224764
Also, you did not respond to my questions about your receiving outside IOIs.
Sharing the new MAP book should help with your wife's negative impressions of the Primer.
I'll stop with that for now.
IOIs from other women have not had any affect on her that I've noticed. When they happen around her she manages to be unaware of them. I think it's a continuation of a pattern of being immune to my increase in sex rank (if I've actually had one). She doesn't mate guard. What's the appropriate response to her not mate guarding? Cheat?
Sexting is a lot of fun. I got her to get into it while we were long distance for a few months last year. I sent her some and she sent me some very steamy ones in return. But she's stopped and I can't get her back into it. At the moment -- mired in this tug of war over everyone's favorite topic, sex -- I think she would reject a solicitation for sexting on principal and reiterate just how much she's not interested. Congratulations on yours! I find pictures of my wife to be the best porn.
> Never cheat OR attempt to setup an IOI that she may detect as arranged. Cheating is (almost) a one way DLV. Setting up an IOI that she will detect AS setup comes off as desperate. You CAN take her to places where you (if you are attractive) are likely to receive IOIs anyway. Also, your simply being talkative with a waitress or other service type person would help.
I seriously doubt that she is not noticing the IOIs. She may be internalizing her reaction because her showing such would show "weakness." But, they STILL add up in the big picture.
Sexting and (gradually) increasing sex talk serves to decompartmentalize the "place" where she keeps sex in her brain, and make it (again) be the norm in your relationship.
It's important that you NOT make better/wilder sex with her the focus of your efforts.
Is she part of the "romance" (smut for women) fiction reading crowd?
My brother makes half the money I. His wife who is a super feminist. But because he has DELIVERED for 20 year she exists in the frame of their relationship and family and TRUSTS him implicitly. And vice versa.
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What your wife is missing is that whoever is captain shoulders a greater burden of responsibility. It doesn't matter how things appear to outsiders. Because they are outside. That's the point.
What is alpha? Doing what pleases you, prioritizing yourself (and the pursuit of being your best version), and never being sucked out of that frame.
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
But don't mention it before or after. If she asks about it, be cocky and say something like "YES, there is more where that came from". If she asks like what, respond with something like "you'll find out later", smile, swat her ass and walk away,
With my wife it took 5 years of me sincerely telling & showing her that I enjoyed this before she believed me.
It turns me on much more than a BJ.
There's probably a book worth of material in that last sentence. Please just accept that if you tell her you're going down on her, for you, she'll like it more when she believes it.
I can't explain the psychology. I just know its true.
what @captainloto said x10,000
We tend to think your only doing it for us bc you feel like you "have to". Knowing you're doing it bc you like it makes all the difference.