Can a married man be a beta orbiter?

mixnmatch

In general terms never trust any of your friends or your wife's friends husbands around your wife.  They have a reason to contact your wife on FB, text her or stop by your house at anytime.  Plus they know your schedule so they can "accidentally" stop by when you aren't there.  Just look at Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman.  The beta orbiter came in as a "friend" and took Lauren's panties off.

Secondly, I constantly have orbiter issue too.  My wife is about as hot as a 40 year old woman could be, is really nice and generally friendly to most people.  An easy target.  I get so tired of having friends come over with their wives for dinner and all they do is talk or hang around my wife all night.  We go on a vacation with a bunch of couples and husbands just spend all their time hanging around my wife.  It gets so annoying!  Certain friends I've just stopped associating with because it is so annoying but I can't just go cutting off every friend I have.  It's a tough spot!

Cowboy

As a man whose own wife has had lots of Beta orbiters, let me make it simple. Married guys can easily be Beta orbiters if 1) their target is nicer or better looking than what they have at home and 2) they're already complete pussies. That is why they are BETA orbiters. The good news is they take so long to make a move they can be swatted away before they do more harm. The bad news is that they will expend huge amounts of effort cunningly planning to bang your wife.
As I told you on that other thread, stomp this thing cold, figuratively if not literally. If this guy is really a Beta shmoe in his sixties, hard and fast is the only way to do it.

Arlequin

@Mandrill said:

Is the wine tasting thing really an issue?

It's an annual event.  So it's an issue once a year.

Other than the lens, is there anything specific you can point to regarding photoman?

Yes, there have been other things, most of them detailed here.

 You mention he's a retired civil servant, probably doesn't have a lot of money, so you thinks that's an expensive gift. You're aware that civil servants get overly generous pensions, right?

Well, he was a mailman, not a congressman, so I'm not sure his pension is that  big.

Since it concerns you, mention it to your wife...She'll probably be dismissive

We've talked about it, of course she is.

I've hired a few out of work UN Monitors to keep an eye on things for me (that would be so  awesome!)

IceMan

My story is similar, when I finally had enough it all went in the trash. None of this stuff was of a value more than $20 but there was a lot.

That he is constantly trying to show you up and succeeding is bad. That he gives gifts to your son WTF! I suggest you collect all of it and return it to him and his wife. This needs to be resolved soon as in this week. Better now, it will only get worse. You not stopping it is sending the signal to him and and Mrs A that you are ok with it. His next move is to see what more you will be ok with. 

This crossed line when you first had an issue with it. I think when his wife sees the collection of stuff she will be floored.

Arlequin

@flounder said:

That he is constantly trying to show you up and succeeding is bad.

Agreed. And I don't want to get in a game of one upmanship. How much more DLV can you get?

That he gives gifts to your son WTF! I suggest you collect all of it and return it to him and his wife.

Yeah, while shopping last week I was looking at Into Darkness  and Mrs. A told me our son already had a copy, courtesy of the contractor. She told me this looking at me sideways. She knew I'd be pissed.

When we checked out she remarked on the copy I was buying.

I haven't had a chance yet to give her the bootleg copy to return to him, but I'm thinking of letting my 10" snips have a little fun with it first. They've been sitting too long. Although if I do that, I really need to return it to him myself...

This crossed line when you first had an issue with it. I think when his wife sees the collection of stuff she will be floored.

Yeah, I am looking to a showdown of some sort down the road. Of course, his wife might know all about it, I don't know, but my gut tells me she's not happy either.

Arlequin

@Mandrill said:

The thing is, you've posted about this many times. Obviously this is really bothering you. You have to find a way to deal with it. I'd rather have one big fight with my wife about confronting him/her/his wife, than to suffer through this all the time. Alphas act. Tell him to stop, deal with the fallout later. This is not divorce material, no matter how angry your wife might get. Suffer short term or just go on suffering.

Gaaak, when I first posted on this, the consensus was that the lens was no big deal. Now it's a little late to be bringing that up.

The other stuff has sort of trickled in over the last six months. Taken separately, they might not be considered noteworthy, but looking at the big picture it looks a little different.

The thing is, this situation is mostly just an irritation. If the drunk aholes hugging my wife at the wine tasting made me see red, this situation makes me see a dark pink. Of course it's a persistent dark pink...

I really think my best path is to speak with his wife, but that's a difficult thing to do. I don't see her often and have no idea how to contact her. She's not on Facebook.

But I definitely thought it was odd that she mentioned the whole water girl thing a few weeks ago. It was so out of left field.

Actually....there's a chance I might see her this weekend. I just need to get a few minutes alone with her.

If not this weekend, sometime in the next month, I'm sure.

I'll be sure to post about it, with all the salacious details and bloodshed... 

IceMan

@WannaBeACowboy has a point. I tried to play nice too, Stated it was a problem-no result, restated that it was a problem-no result, Demanded wife to stop-went underground, Demanded wife, OM, and OM's wife to stop-tried to continue.

Finally got OM on the phone(out of state) yelled some, contacted his HR, contacted his parents, Let his wife know everything that was going on. I don't think this is a problem anymore.

I don't know your story completely or how hard you need to come down on this guy but having to do it all again I would lead with the full arsenal. Shock and awe!

WannaBeACowboy said:

As a man whose own wife has had lots of Beta orbiters, let me make it simple. Married guys can easily be Beta orbiters if 1) their target is nicer or better looking than what they have at home and 2) they're already complete pussies. That is why they are BETA orbiters. The good news is they take so long to make a move they can be swatted away before they do more harm. The bad news is that they will expend huge amounts of effort cunningly planning to bang your wife. As I told you on that other thread, stomp this thing cold, figuratively if not literally. If this guy is really a Beta shmoe in his sixties, hard and fast is the only way to do it.

sf64

Arlequin,

You are FAR to concerned about what other people think.  It bothers you.  Full stop.  And it should bother you.

Go talk to the other guy.  Tell him DIRECTLY, but not with anger, that it all stops.

Gather up all the stuff he has given your wife.  Make an inventory.  Take a picture. Put it in a box.  Take the box to the wife.  Give it to her.  Tell her point blank that her husband is being inappropriate with you wife.  Give her the box of all the things that he has given your wife.

Tell your wife you gave it all the Orbiter's wife.  Tell her "If Orbiter's wife is supportive of him giving all this stuff to you, she will bring it back and give it to you."  Give her the list and the picture. 

Followup by telling her, "The very fact that I consider it over the line should have been enough for you to stop.  You have given me a lot to think about."  Walk away.  Do not engage. Go about your business.

IceMan

Arlequin said:

@Mandrill said:

The thing is, you've posted about this many times. Obviously this is really bothering you. You have to find a way to deal with it. I'd rather have one big fight with my wife about confronting him/her/his wife, than to suffer through this all the time. Alphas act. Tell him to stop, deal with the fallout later. This is not divorce material, no matter how angry your wife might get. Suffer short term or just go on suffering.

Gaaak, when I first posted on this, the consensus was that the lens was no big deal. Now it's a little late to be bringing that up.

No it's not. Think of it this way you are a frog slowly boiling in a pot. Return the gifts to him and his wife this week.

The other stuff has sort of trickled in over the last six months. Taken separately, they might not be considered noteworthy, but looking at the big picture it looks a little different. Boiling frog.

The thing is, this situation is mostly just an irritation. If the drunk aholes hugging my wife at the wine tasting made me see red, this situation makes me see a dark pink. Of course it's a persistent dark pink...

 

Men getting too friendly with your wife deal with it when it happens. This photoguy thing deal with it right away.

I really think my best path is to speak with his wife, but that's a difficult thing to do. I don't see her often and have no idea how to contact her. She's not on Facebook.

 

But I definitely thought it was odd that she mentioned the whole water girl thing a few weeks ago. It was so out of left field.

Actually....there's a chance I might see her this weekend. I just need to get a few minutes alone with her.

If not this weekend, sometime in the next month, I'm sure.

Do you want to wait to see if this thing becomes a physical affair? An alpha doesn't wait he acts!

I'll be sure to post about it, with all the salacious details and bloodshed... 
Let me blunt with you because I am sharing my experience in the hopes that It will save you some grief. I am not amused.

 

 

You should be as hard with him as you think you need, but if I was in your shoes I would:

1. Gather all the gifts he has given and return them to him and his wife this weekend.
2. Inform wife what you have done and deal with the shit storm.
3. I don't know she will or not but have your wife write him a letter that dictates what is and is not appropriate interactions between the two. You can write the letter, I did. The letter has to be approved by you.

Imagine you are the bull in the China shop, you do not worry about what wife or photoguy think. The only thing that should keep you from dealing with this this weekend is if you need to get more details on what is going on. Have you seen the phone logs? Emails? Texts? Credit card statements?

OnMyWay

sf64 said:

Arlequin,

You are FAR to concerned about what other people think.  It bothers you.  Full stop.  And it should bother you.

Go talk to the other guy.  Tell him DIRECTLY, but not with anger, that it all stops.

Gather up all the stuff he has given your wife.  Make an inventory.  Take a picture. Put it in a box.  Take the box to the wife.  Give it to her.  Tell her point blank that her husband is being inappropriate with you wife.  Give her the box of all the things that he has given your wife.

Tell your wife you gave it all the Orbiter's wife.  Tell her "If Orbiter's wife is supportive of him giving all this stuff to you, she will bring it back and give it to you."  Give her the list and the picture. 

Followup by telling her, "The very fact that I consider it over the line should have been enough for you to stop.  You have given me a lot to think about."  Walk away.  Do not engage. Go about your business.

If it was me, I'd do it all at once:  Bring the box of stuff to their house, tell them BOTH that you appreciate his generosity toward your wife, but that it's too much to appear appropriate.  People talk, you know, and it wouldn't do for his "good name" to be dragged down in public as THAT kind of guy, or for your wife to appear to be THAT kind of girl, and also you would hate for your wife or his wife to get the wrong idea of his intentions.  Just better for everybody.

If he says "oh, no one could possibly think that," just look him straight in the eye and say, "I would."

That way he knows where you're going with this, his wife knows to pay attention, and no one can accuse you of being the belligerent caveman, because you're (theoretically) looking out for his interest too.  

Surgical strikes are as Alpha as carpet-bombing, IMHO.

*Edited for formatting and clarity.

IceMan

I like this approach with the condition that you find out that nothing more is happening. If you find that she is hiding things from you like calls or more gifts. Anything that brings this to the level of an EA it might not be enough. This will work if he is just an orbiter which most likely the case. You will be the best person to tell. Find out all you can and decide with the information you have. Trust your gut.

OnMyWay said:

sf64 said:

Arlequin,

You are FAR to concerned about what other people think.  It bothers you.  Full stop.  And it should bother you.

Go talk to the other guy.  Tell him DIRECTLY, but not with anger, that it all stops.

Gather up all the stuff he has given your wife.  Make an inventory.  Take a picture. Put it in a box.  Take the box to the wife.  Give it to her.  Tell her point blank that her husband is being inappropriate with you wife.  Give her the box of all the things that he has given your wife.

Tell your wife you gave it all the Orbiter's wife.  Tell her "If Orbiter's wife is supportive of him giving all this stuff to you, she will bring it back and give it to you."  Give her the list and the picture. 

Followup by telling her, "The very fact that I consider it over the line should have been enough for you to stop.  You have given me a lot to think about."  Walk away.  Do not engage. Go about your business.

If it was me, I'd do it all at once:  Bring the box of stuff to their house, tell them BOTH that you appreciate his generosity toward your wife, but that it's too much to appear appropriate.  People talk, you know, and it wouldn't do for his "good name" to be dragged down in public as THAT kind of guy, or for your wife to appear to be THAT kind of girl, and also you would hate for your wife or his wife to get the wrong idea of his intentions.  Just better for everybody.

If he says "oh, no one could possibly think that," just look him straight in the eye and say, "I would."

That way he knows where you're going with this, his wife knows to pay attention, and no one can accuse you of being the belligerent caveman, because you're (theoretically) looking out for his interest too.  

Surgical strikes are as Alpha as carpet-bombing, IMHO.

*Edited for formatting and clarity.

OnMyWay

flounder said:

I like this approach with the condition that you find out that nothing more is happening. If you find that she is hiding things from you like calls or more gifts. Anything that brings this to the level of an EA it might not be enough. This will work if he is just an orbiter which most likely the case. You will be the best person to tell. Find out all you can and decide with the information you have. Trust your gut.

Right, I think you would make it clear to your wife what your expectations are in that regard.  You could tell your wife that of course you don't believe that these gifts mean she's having an emotional affair, and of course you were just avoiding appearance of that by returning them...  but know that she knows where you stand, any NEW gifts not politely declined WOULD mean that, at least to you. 

OnMyWay said:

sf64 said:

Arlequin,

You are FAR to concerned about what other people think.  It bothers you.  Full stop.  And it should bother you.

Go talk to the other guy.  Tell him DIRECTLY, but not with anger, that it all stops.

Gather up all the stuff he has given your wife.  Make an inventory.  Take a picture. Put it in a box.  Take the box to the wife.  Give it to her.  Tell her point blank that her husband is being inappropriate with you wife.  Give her the box of all the things that he has given your wife.

Tell your wife you gave it all the Orbiter's wife.  Tell her "If Orbiter's wife is supportive of him giving all this stuff to you, she will bring it back and give it to you."  Give her the list and the picture. 

Followup by telling her, "The very fact that I consider it over the line should have been enough for you to stop.  You have given me a lot to think about."  Walk away.  Do not engage. Go about your business.

If it was me, I'd do it all at once:  Bring the box of stuff to their house, tell them BOTH that you appreciate his generosity toward your wife, but that it's too much to appear appropriate.  People talk, you know, and it wouldn't do for his "good name" to be dragged down in public as THAT kind of guy, or for your wife to appear to be THAT kind of girl, and also you would hate for your wife or his wife to get the wrong idea of his intentions.  Just better for everybody.

If he says "oh, no one could possibly think that," just look him straight in the eye and say, "I would."

That way he knows where you're going with this, his wife knows to pay attention, and no one can accuse you of being the belligerent caveman, because you're (theoretically) looking out for his interest too.  

Surgical strikes are as Alpha as carpet-bombing, IMHO.

*Edited for formatting and clarity.

Cowboy

AlphaBelle said:

And I think this is at least thread #4 ?? by you on this exact topic. /:)

I was thinking this exact same thing.  I will put this as nicely, but as succinctly, as I can.  There should be no question at this point that this dude has designs on your wife -- whether he's just an orbiter, taking his time, or whatever -- and needs to be dealt with.  Stop investigating.  There's an old military saying I'm going to mangle:  don't worry about doing something perfect, just do something now.  Act, and soon.  Please; I really don't want to see your post on the 911 thread.

IceMan

@Arlequin don't go silent on us man, we push you but we are here for you.

I know the IRATIONAL anxiety at upsetting the wife. The best way I get over it is to take a deep breath then do what you know is the right thing to do because it is the right thing to do. She will be pissed, don't argue with the hamster just plainly give your reasons for your actions and why it was the right thing to do.

At this point your anxiety should low even if she is still pissed. That's been my experience anyway.

JesusMarimba

WannaBeACowboy said:

AlphaBelle said:

And I think this is at least thread #4 ?? by you on this exact topic. /:)

I was thinking this exact same thing.  I will put this as nicely, but as succinctly, as I can.  There should be no question at this point that this dude has designs on your wife -- whether he's just an orbiter, taking his time, or whatever -- and needs to be dealt with.  Stop investigating.  There's an old military saying I'm going to mangle:  don't worry about doing something perfect, just do something now.  Act, and soon.  Please; I really don't want to see your post on the 911 thread.

Perfect is the enemy of good enough.

hoping4better

@arlequin - this is getting old.  why do you keep posting on this topic, getting a variety of good options to deal with, ignoring them all, and then posting on this topic?

has a very @redpillnewb feel to it.

Do SOMETHING on this - today.  DOING stuff is alpha, talking about doing something is at best beta, more likely gamma.

CaptVere

Only if you put up with it.  They certainly will orbit her if she lets them.  Attention is nice after all.

Arlequin

flounder said:

@Arlequin don't go silent on us man, we push you but we are here for you.

I know the IRATIONAL anxiety at upsetting the wife. The best way I get over it is to take a deep breath then do what you know is the right thing to do because it is the right thing to do. She will be pissed, don't argue with the hamster just plainly give your reasons for your actions and why it was the right thing to do.

At this point your anxiety should low even if she is still pissed. That's been my experience anyway.

Sorry, not withdrawing, had to go to rehab after work last night (physical therapy), then slept for awhile last night. I am just getting back to it today. Although I have been mulling everyone's latest responses.

I can't deny this bothers me, that's obvious. And I will get it resolved.

As for going hard-assed and packing everything into a box, I love that idea, although being firm and packing everything into a box would probably make life around the house more tolerable.

But what would really  serve me best would be getting validation from the contractor's wife that she's  uncomfortable also, as that will validate my  assertions so that when the next  beta orbiter, or even worse the next poacher,  comes along, I can say, "Remember when?" instead of having to battle the Hamster.

Getting Mrs. Arlequin to accept the Men and Women Can't Be Friends argument is going to be a major hurdle.

IceMan

"But what would really  serve me best would be getting validation from the contractor's wife that she's  uncomfortable also, as that will validate my  assertions so that when the next  beta orbiter, or even worse the next poacher,  comes along, I can say, "Remember when?" instead of having to battle the Hamster."

What will you do if she isn't bothered? What will you do if she is bothered?

The answer should be that it doesn't matter. It bothers you, period. Don't let these people run your life and your family.

hoping4better

Arlequin said:

flounder said:

@Arlequin don't go silent on us man, we push you but we are here for you.

I know the IRATIONAL anxiety at upsetting the wife. The best way I get over it is to take a deep breath then do what you know is the right thing to do because it is the right thing to do. She will be pissed, don't argue with the hamster just plainly give your reasons for your actions and why it was the right thing to do.

At this point your anxiety should low even if she is still pissed. That's been my experience anyway.

Sorry, not withdrawing, had to go to rehab after work last night (physical therapy), then slept for awhile last night. I am just getting back to it today. Although I have been mulling everyone's latest responses.

I can't deny this bothers me, that's obvious. And I will get it resolved.

As for going hard-assed and packing everything into a box, I love that idea, although being firm and packing everything into a box would probably make life around the house more tolerable.

But what would really  serve me best would be getting validation from the contractor's wife that she's  uncomfortable also, as that will validate my  assertions so that when the next  beta orbiter, or even worse the next poacher,  comes along, I can say, "Remember when?" instead of having to battle the Hamster.

Getting Mrs. Arlequin to accept the Men and Women Can't Be Friends argument is going to be a major hurdle.

Yeah you are going about this all wrong.  do you really think this episode will be written in marble so that next time your wife (hamster) won't say "this is different, this guy is just x, y, z..."  It's the rationalization hamster after all...  

But you keep coming up with nonsensical fluff to avoid taking action based solely on HOW YOU FEEL about this situation.  So with the idea of eventually someday getting around to maybe speaking with his wife, what will you do if she says she hasn't noticed anything what are you talking about?

Because it does not at all matter what she thinks or says it just maters with how you feel.  Trust  your gut, she is your wife.  Don't wait until something just happens and she ends up fucking this guy...

Unless you enjoying being cuckolded I mean.