why do I feel so guilty

Eula

I am new here and found someone else was having my same situation.Here is the post.

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2011/07/husband-wont-look-for-work-likes-sex-sandwiches-and-cash

I spent about an hour reading through this and all the comments.

I’m in the exact same situation. Husband was laid off a year ago and refuses to even look. I ended up writing his resume for him as he wouldn’t do it.

We are also going to lose our house. He just sits and plays on the computer all day surfing the net or playing video games. I finally got him out in the yard after the yard hasn’t been touched in months.

So it seemly like I have been doing a very weak MAP without realising it.

My mistakes were keeping the comfort coming and going along with the program. He is getting all the sex and admiration he could want while having to give anything in return. Like many other nice people, I thought he would care enough about the marriage to do his part.

Yesterday, I got a couple of calls from recruiters wanting me to interview for a new position. I am currently on sick leave due to an injury. During this time I have been actively working on getting my own consulting business started.This is my dream. 

After reading the posts here, I decided to escalate things. Today I put divorce on the table. I asked him how his job search was going and he said well he hasn't looked in a long time and I asked him what his plans were. He said well I am going to have to look now because the welfare agency will make him look. 

That surprised me as it didn't seem to occur to him to look for work because we are losing our home and that work is a part of being married.

So I said I would think you might want to look for work for our marriage and he said what does that have to do with our marriage and I said because us working is part of our marriage and then he said well you had better accept those interviews then. Ok really him being unemployed for a year and telling me what to do! REALLY!

I said we had this discussion a couple a months ago and I said at this point divorce is going to be the next step. He looked like a deer in the headlights and he said "oh great divorce". Let me say, I felt really really guilty. 

Then he said well I guess I will have to get some crappy job but that means I can't finish the painting around the house as I won't have time to do it. Ok he started painting the interior of this house back in april. 

It looks like he was saying well I guess I will get a job but don't expect me to do anything else. 

Ok let me have it. Was it the right time to put divorce on the table?

I feel that I waited too long on the job thing and should have stood up for myself about 10 months ago.

Why do I feel so guilty and wrong just for standing up for myself?

Angeline

I don't understand why you feel guilty, and why you've put up with this as long as you have. Do you have kids? If not, bail on this "marriage." If you do have kids, you can give it one more try - tomorrow, get rid of the TV and game system. Give it to Goodwill or a Ronald McDonald house. Don't buy or cook anymore food. There are several people here far more knowledgeable on how to handle losing the house, but if that's your only marital asset, it seems like you'll walk away with a hit to your credit, but pretty much done with each other.

This level of laziness and self-centeredness can't have been a total surprise. I'm having trouble believing this is the whole story.

Eula

Thanks for the reply. I had to cut some of the post off as it was too long for the forum.

It is just the house and there are no kids.

That is my mistake waiting so long.

I am one of those kind hearted women who tend to do too much. sigh.  

the laziness isn't a total surprise because of refusing to take care of the lawn and expecting me to do everything. I really did think he would look for another job right away because he had the other job for 5 years and had a good work ethic.

i don't understand why I feel guilty either.

Athol_Kay

You feel guilty because you're "not meant to divorce your husband"

But that assumes he's a husband worth keeping.

Eula

Thanks for the reply Athol. I didn't get married with the intention to divorce.

I would say that someone isn't worth keeping if they don't contribute to the marriage. Sitting around playing games while I work and do anything else that needs to be done is one sided. 

It would be the same if he was working and came home to a dirty house and nothing done because I was "too busy" on facebook all day.

It just feels like he is taking advantage of me.

liquid

Eula said:

Thanks for the reply Athol. I didn't get married with the intention to divorce.

I would say that someone isn't worth keeping if they don't contribute to the marriage. Sitting around playing games while I work and do anything else that needs to be done is one sided. 

It would be the same if he was working and came home to a dirty house and nothing done because I was "too busy" on facebook all day.

It just feels like he is taking advantage of me.

I would be sure to tell him exactly this. It is not just the lack of job but the lack of effort.

On the other hand, he sounds terribly depressed and probably feels like you are kicking him when he is down...but he does need to get up! Maybe he could go for counseling if he needs help to get back up?

Eula

Thank you for your reply liquid. He has been to the doctor and he isn't depressed. I made the suggestion for counselling and he doesn't want to.

He does exactly what he wants to do. He has told me he doesn't like to work and doesn't want to. There isn't a whole lot I can say to that.

He did go out and finish the yard. This is after he couldn't get the mower to start and he wanted me to go out and fix it. I checked the basics and then I thought why am I doing this? Let him figure it out. So I just said I don't know and went back in the house.

About 20 minutes later, I hear it running so he figured it out.

Then he comes in and wants me to make him dinner and I did.

I am such a pushover. Sheesh.

liquid

Well. That is horrible. I feel for you.

Maybe....do you have a good relationship with his family? Maybe his Dad or brother can talk to him in a way that you can't, if ykwim.

Eula

Thank you liquid. Unfortunately his parents are deceased and his only sister is distant. I am the only one he has and that makes me feel bad too.

It just hurts so much because I ask for so little and all I want is for him to contribute to the marriage and look for a job.

i have supported him since he lost his job. Over a year. I have been patient and encouraging.

I feel unloved and unsupported. I have a business I am trying to build and I feel angry he won't help me. I feel angry that once my injury heals, I will be forced back into a job I hate. I feel resentful that I supported his loafing for a year and him taking a class but he won't support me for a year to work on my business.

I feel like a cog on a wheel just made to get up and go to work and come home and pay the bills and nobody cares. I would come home to a filthy house and no meal and him sitting playing some game on the computer. Yes, the resentment has built me busting my buns and he does nothing.

I feel helpless with this injury too. I see stuff on the floor I want to clean up and others things but can't do it.

A recruiter wants me to go for this job in New Zealand and I am tempted to go. It would be an easy way out.

Notelrac

Let me summarize.  He has a strong feeling of entitlement, that everyone around him must provide him what he wants.  He refuses to engage in productive behavior.  When he starts doing a task, he gets bored halfway through and just stops doing it.  When assigned a task, he will not complete it unless nagged.  And even then, he does a bad job so you throw up your hands in frustration and do it yourself.

You're not married, you're living with a teenager.  Too bad you can't kick him to the curb when he turns 18.  Oh, wait...

My recommendation is that you seek Individual Counseling.  You have a strong White Knight complex complex and incredibly poor boundaries.  Your husband will not change as long as you enable his self-indulgent behavior.  And he will never change if he has a personality disorder.

Eula

Notelrac, thank you for your reply.

Yes, that about sums it up.

He acts like an overgrown teen.

He won't complete a task unless nagged. When we bought this house, he said he would take care of the yard and well in the years we have lived here, he has cut the grass less than a dozen time. We have the worst yard on the street.

He complained about the mower stalling. My thoughts were gee whiz what do you think is going to happen when you wait until the grass is about a metre high to mow it.

My daughter and I discussed this and she thought I thought just stop, as in stop doing anything for him.

I know it is a very bad habit on my part but I have to do it.

I have been to individual counselling.

Notelrac

I'd send this as a PM, but I understand that there's an informal forum rule against cross-gender messaging without spousal knowledge. 

Spending a few hours reading up on Co-Dependency and Living with a Narcissist to see whether the problem is laziness or something deeper.  And give you something new to talk about at your next therapy session.

Athena

He sounds depressed to me. I suggest a dr visit.

Athol_Kay

Just seems like a role reversal on the " working husband and waste of time truly horrible SAHM" issue.

Cut off all his fun toys, throw a fit that he gets a job.

You're such a pushover that you enable and encourage him to be a layabout.

Joskin_Nodd

@Eula: "My mistakes were keeping the comfort coming and going along with the program. He is getting all the sex and admiration he could want while having to give anything in return. Like many other nice people, I thought he would care enough about the marriage to do his part."

No, no, no, no, no!

Man no have job/be looking for job, man no get sex. Man no frickin' get goddamned dinner. 

I'm all for being sexually available. For your gainfully employed/too-tired-to-get-it-up-because-he's-been-going-on-so-many-interviews husband. If he's unemployed and went on a dozen interviews and sent out a hundred resumes, it's okay to remain a dutiful wife. Otherwise, no. 

Athol has the right of it: throw a fit, cut off his toys, and certainly, no you doing anything that's specifically for him until he steps up. 

"A recruiter wants me to go for this job in New Zealand and I am tempted to go. It would be an easy way out."

Tempted? God is sending you an engraved invitation to get on with your life. 

Go on the interview. Tell your husband you're considering taking the job, and just starting over. If that doesn't wake him up: take the job, and start over. Easier said than done, but the situation as you describe it is completely untenable. And not every man or woman can be reformed, no matter how much even they want to change. 

Joskin_Nodd

@Eula: "This is after he couldn't get the mower to start and he wanted me to go out and fix it."

Ugh. Admittedly, many of us are married to wives who have no clue what they got so that the fact we can fix appliances, lawn mowers, rewire electricity, change plumbing fixtures, add outlets and light fixtures and put up ceiling fans and etc., etc., etc is taken for granted, but that being said . . . 

He wanted you to go out and fix it? 

Divorce this man and go find a good man who deserves a good wife. 

Are you sure your husband is a functional man? Because he does not sound like one. 

Sorry. I have very low tolerance for a guy who would ask his wife to come fix the lawn mower. I'm sure there are some relationships were that's common, and the guy is a high-powered executive who wrestles bears with this bare hands, so is still plenty manly. Even so, I'd divorce me if I was asking my wife to come out and fix the lawnmower. "Also, can you hold my pee-pee when I go wee-wee?"

Hamster_Free

NZ, huh? 

Yeah.  NZ is way better than what you have going with this guy. 

Marriage is a contract.  Here on this forum, you see lots of folks talking about part of the contract being "You will have happy and willing sex with your spouse."  The other REALLY big part of it is "You will not be a schlub and will pull your weight."  If either of those key ideas is unsupported, the offending spouse is in breach of contract. 

You are well within your right.  Sign legal abdication of your claim to the house, sell the car, and leave him with divorce papers and go to NZ.  Maybe he'll get off his ass long enough to sign the damn papers. 

x1134x

I posted under your response on the blog comments, @EULA, but I figured I'd repost them here so you're sure to read them:

I know I’m late to this party by a little over a year, but since eula posted, and directed me here from the forums, I’d like to chime in because I’ve been the man in this situation. At least sort of. The “kicked when down” posters are completely off-base here. Had I been coddled and unconditionally loved, I’d still be on--and-off employed, and burning through tons of money smoking weed and playing games with my friends and being completely absent from my relationship. My wife made it clear, she was not getting what she signed up for. (A Marriage). I had checked out, she had checked out. I had her big income to pay the bills with, so we were “ok for now”. She’d bring in tons of money, I’d help her spend it. As long as there was money for gas, food, and weed, by the end of the month, I was happy. She expected us to be able to actually gain in money, and we never were able to because I’d bring in money so infrequently and so unreliably. When I’d make $700 bucks in a week, I’d ride that train for the next unemployed 3 to 6 weeks. The way my wife described it was to her is that she wanted a PARTNER, not a room-mate that she supported. She didn’t go straight to ultimatums as I’m sure neither did either of the two people Athol was helping in the last two days blog posts. Lazy spouses don’t change by being “loved” and accepted for the lazy asses that they are. They change by being confronted and shown a mirror that finally lets them get outside of their own “hamster” shell and see themselves for who they really have been behaving like. My wife ran the full MAP on me without even knowing what the MAP was. She fixed everything about herself, she tried to be supportive of any money-making venture I’d try, she’d console and reassure me when I’d send out 40 resumes and get zero response. She did acknowledge the work I was doing, but didn’t accept the mediocre results that I was willing to accept. I was expecting her to be happy with me just going through the motions, make a resume, send a few out, live off of her. “btw can i have another 100 bucks for weed?” I’m so grateful for how supportive my wife was, AND grateful for how less supportive of my dismal results she became. I dug myself out of most of the issues eventually, and have recently put the rest of them behind me, I’m fully employed for over 2 years, and completely drug free, but there’s no way I’d be anything had my wife acted like Jennifer6 and Kathy would have expected her to act. A promise 6 years ago about pursuing a life together doesn’t still hold when your partner isn’t holding up their end of the promise. That promise is already broken. its a two-way promise. A ballooning wife, who withholds physical affection and sex is already breaking the marriage promise, a husband who can’t even break away from his useless obsession long enough to write a frickin’ resume and apply for jobs has already broken that promise. An ultimatum at that stage isn’t breaking any marriage vows, its giving your spouse a small amount of time to decide to start keeping *theirs* again.

My wife lit a fire under my ass, and I finally started to move when it burned. Not only did it encourage me to grow the hell up, it gave me a blueprint for how marriages work through these types of issues. SO many times I read Athol’s writings in his book or here on the website looking to how can I get my wife back attracted to me like she used to be and think to myself “this is just what my wife did to me! Why can’t I just grow a scrot, and demand a real marriage from her, now that I’ve fixed my shortcomings? Why am I giving endlessly now and not receiving anything? Why doesn’t she just “get it” on her own?      I know.      I never “got it” on my own either. You work to make each other better. You help form each other into better adults than you'd be on your own.  People who just accept whatever phase of life their spouse gets locked into and just take the suffering end up miserable unnecessarily because they can’t actually give the person the love that they NEED rather than the love that they WANT.

Hamster_Free

BTW--when I read the title?  The one that asks why you're feeling guilty?  I knew--and then confirmed from your feminine online handle--this thread was written by a girl.  It's because women *always* secondguess, doubt and worry, because we are by design *not the alpha*. 

But the alpha in your dog pack isn't stepping up, so you instinctively feel the need to because *someone* needs to lead the pack (even if the pack is the two of you and possibly a pet or two).  You're doing the right thing because he isn't, and it isn't sustainable.  He must step up.  Or you must step out.

But you knew that.    I'm just here to let you know that it's OK that you knew that. 

brotherdance

Joskin_Nodd said:

Sorry. I have very low tolerance for a guy who would ask his wife to come fix the lawn mower.

Oh heck no. This screams at me. Unless I just got into a car accident and am now a paraplegic, there is no way. This is not a man, this is a child.

And no, I don't know crap about lawn mowers, I'd probably hit it with things, growl at it and drive it to a buddy who actually knew how the thing worked. But I sure as heck wouldn't ask my wife to do it. That would be akin to castration.

Joskin_Nodd

@brotherdance: "

And no, I don't know crap about lawn mowers, I'd probably hit it with things, growl at it and drive it to a buddy who actually knew how the thing worked. But I sure as heck wouldn't ask my wife to do it. That would be akin to castration."

Not knowing what I was doing, I've added too much oil to a lawnmower, changed air filters, spark plugs, oiled the gears, sprayed starter fluid in the carburetor, changed the blades, etc. I should definitely do more maintenance . . . but handling that is part of my life job description, married or not. The very idea of asking my wife to fix the lawn mower makes my skin crawl. I'd rather eat my own left hand. 

My wife would occasionally tackle the lawn mowing, which I was not happy about. After she ran over a bungie cord and wrecked the blade axle, I finally manned up and fired her from the job. Never liked her doing it, anyway.