why do I feel so guilty

Notelrac

"He doesn't drive and refuses to learn."
Red flag. 

Let me describe a behavior, and you tell me if it sounds familiar.  He's constantly losing things (wallet, glasses, keys) and demanding that you stop whatever you are doing (no matter how important) and find it for him.  It's another way to manipulate you.

You are co-dependent.  Regardless of whether you leave him or not, you need to read up and probably get therapy on how to establish boundaries so that people do not take advantage of you.

x1134x

@Eula, My advice, break it down.  Find out the details, bug him endlessly for details.  This is what my wife did.  She broke down why I was unable to find more gigs:  Afraid to try to be a salesman and cold-sell.  If I didn't already know them from working for other IT companies, I didn't want to talk to them.  She tried to push me to work on this, but eventually realized that its a lost cause, I'm "socially retarded".  So then she started pushing toward getting a "9-5" job.  (do those even exist anymore?)  What were the detailed issues with that?  Trying to work IT jobs with no IT credentials, getting me no interviews.  So she focused on pushing me to get the credentials.  Knowing the details about me, (procrastinator) she knew I'd never do it on my own accord, but she knew I thrived in a high-speed environment so that's why the school situation came up. Grind out the details, and wail against the detailed issues, not just the general "get a job, slob".  You can't get something out of a rut by pushing it down into the rut, you've got to pry his ass out with a crowbar of endless detail-checking.  This is of course if you feel he's worth it.  My wife says she always saw the potential to be a good provider and hard worker for the family, because once I finally get started on a project, I work circles around most people, and my end result is usually top-notch.

Is he cherry-picking just the "ideal jobs" to apply for?  Not acceptable, he needs to be canvasing the field applying for every job possible.  For every 100 resume's he sends he should expect 1 call back.  Sending 10 resumes a week isn't going to get it done.

He's dragging his ass on getting credentials.  This is not acceptable,  He needs to be hitting the certifications HARD.  They are NOT "year long" issues.  A CCNA can be earned in a matter of months, and boot camps can get him certified within weeks.

If you break it down for him, and ensure he works on the details, you'll make progress, if he refuses even to do that, you've got to use the harsh ultimatum.  I did NOT like hearing "there are men out there who want to be in a marriage with a woman like me and want to be a PARTNER, not a CHILD.  I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS."  

If "you're a good man, go prove me right" doesn't work, try "you're a child in a man's body, go prove me wrong".

Eula

@Brutus, thank for your post on my thread. Yes, he is pretty immature like that. He doesn't have big meltdowns or anything like that but he is pretty manipulative to get people to do things for him and avoid things he doesn't want to do.

@BoneDaddyJive, no kids. My are all grown so not a factor.Yes, and realize he has been deliberately deceiving me about this for over a year is sickening in a way like cheating because of the deceptiveness.

Eula

@Joskin_Nodd, yes, I am well aware of my role in this situation.

@Notelrac, no he never does that. Never expects me to look for things for him. He does expect me to give him rides no matter how inconvenient it is for me.Of course he never contributes anything to the car ever. Never put gas into it. Never made a payment on it etc. because he doesn't drive so that makes it my car and my responsibility.

I really need my car washed and asked him several times to do it and he hasn't. I physically can't do it because of my injuries. Besides, he should get out there and wash it since I have been his f ing taxi cab.

I guarantee if he drove, he wouldn't do anything for me. Not driving really gets him out of a lot of responsiblity that is for sure.

Yes, I realise now I am co dependent putting his welling being above my own.

I mean I would have my holiday for 2 weeks and he expected me to hop out of bed and drag him to the train station to work. I guess it never occurred to him that I would like to have a lay in during my time off.

@x1134x, he wasn't applying for any jobs at all. He was lying to me saying he was looking and he never ever registered for the job search site. In the past year he has sent maybe 10 resumes out and 7 of them were ones I sent.

He could have easily had his CCNA but wouldn't study for it. He has IT qualifications but won't use them.

Yesterday he told me he applied for some cleaning jobs. I just ignored him as I can't believe anything he says.

Eula

So here is what is going on now.

After I discovered he has been deliberately doing this which I suspected but he confirmed it with the comment about not signing up for unemployment as they WOULD MAKE him look for work. 

I tell you, that just set me off more than anything.

I just stayed in my office and did my own thing. I don't even want to talk to him.

Today, I bet he will want me to take him to the shops. I do need to go out somewhere but I don't want to take him where he wants to go so I am going to have to just tell him he isn't going with me.

It is going to take a lot from him for me to trust him again. Knowing that he is deliberately playing these mind games with me at my expense has really made my feelings for him tank.

All the tiny efforts were just to avoid work or to shut me up.

brotherdance

Have you thought of just burning the house down one day while he's gone, and disappearing? 

I am liking this guy less and less, I'm actually rather insulted by his existence.

I'm sorry, that was crude, I am just having a visceral reaction to this situation.

Brutus

We feel for you Eula. Most men on this site work our asses off for our families and wives and ca nt even get any occaisional sexual interest. You work hard, you provide and sustain your family....perhaps you cant afford a parasite like your husband.

Notelrac

Are you in the United States?  Some of your word choices are different.

I'm confused about the state of your family finances.  So much so, that I had to go back to your OP and see if you were married.  You don't appear to have any knowledge of your gross income, since you did not know he was not collecting unemployment.  You talk about how if he were working and driving, he would not contribute.

Does this lack of structure extend to everything else in your life?  Do you talk to friends/family about how their marriages work?  Talk to a therapist about structural problems in your life?

Based on your posts, I think you should just talk to a divorce lawyer, and then call the police and have the bum escorted off the property.  But I'm sure that he must have some redeeming qualities, even you haven't told us of any.

Joskin_Nodd

@Eula: "Knowing that he is deliberately playing these mind games with me at my expense has really made my feelings for him tank."

... didn't sign up for cash from the government because they would make him look for work . . . and they make you look for work by asking, Did you look for work? You don't even have to look that hard. 

This guy is a mess. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Cut your losses. Often, there are things the wife can do to make things better with their husband. Often, women do bring out the hidden potential in men. 

This is not going to be one of those cases. He is not a diamond in the rough, he's just a rock. There is some other woman for him to suck the blood out of out there. Don't let it be you any more. 

Prepare to exit. I hear New Zealand is lovely.

Do not take him with you.

Joskin_Nodd

@Eula: "Yesterday he told me he applied for some cleaning jobs. "

I knew a guy like this. It's a mental condition. It's like a disease. You can reform a lazy guy, maybe, but not this.

They do not get better. Generally, they just get worse. They look for women like you, as most people (sorry) just won't put up with it. What you got at the outset was the best it could ever be, but unlike some people, you won't ever get back there. These guys just get worse, and worse, and worse. I'm not sure he can get much worse. But if there is a way, he will find it. That is a promise.

File for divorce. If you need any grounds, you've got them. If you are in the US, the law favors you, as the woman. If you are in the UK, the law really favors you. 

There is no reason not to get your life straight. And that means escorting your husband out of it. 

We all make mistakes. This is fixable. But he is not. 

You should start looking at apartments in New Zealand, figuring out what might be close to your new potential job.

Plan ahead.

Eula

Thanks for the additional comments. It is late here so I'll reply tomorrow.

Notelrac

Ah.  You must live in Australia.  My understanding is that the attitude towards divorce is, like with Canada, about half way between the US and UK.

sasha

Eula said:

Knowing that he lied to me and deceived me for over a year is really sinking in and I am so very hurt by it all. I'm really angry about it. 

Its time to get REALLY angry. Then channel some of that anger into tuning him out completely and focus on you exclusively. Hopefully that will give you some emotional distance from him so you can figure out how you got where you are and what you are going to do about helping yourself.

Brutus

I land in Sydney tororrow. How about you meet me at Hero of Waterloo and hit me in the head with a bat multiple teimes until we both realize that men and women dont have to have such messed up relationionships to be marginally happy. Better yet, bring your worthless hubby and show him that he actually has competition.

Eula

Well I am still hardly talking to him.I am just holed up in my office.

He tried to get frisky with me and I just got up and went to the other room.

He keeps trying to be nice to me.

I have to get a retest of a medical test next week which I am worried about.  So I am just zoning out.

I do feel for all you guys who just want some loving and appreciation for all that you do. Being an engineer, I've always worked with guys and seen a lot of stuff with co workers over the years.

BoneDaddyJive

I think that I can empathize with the way women feel about the town slut. This guy is making men look bad. He is an affront to masculinity. I bet he can be really charming, too.

I really want to make a political comment here, but must. resist. trolling.....

Charles

@Eula, about 20 years ago I picked up a doozy of a stray and parasite myself. Six years later, I kicked her to the curb. It felt like an amputation then, but after a little while things were much better. Things will get much better for you too, once you are rid of your parasite.

Nothing good will happen until you are willing to dump him. I have no idea whether things will get better when he realizes he is about to lose you, but everyone on this thread is right - you have to be willing to cut him loose. NZ sounds like a good place to be while things get better.

CL_

Be thankful you don't have kids with this guy. He sounds like my ex-husband and it only got worse with each kid. An absolute nightmare.

You should probably go no contact and sort yourself out. No dates, no nothing, until you figure out what it is about yourself that has caused you to end up with this guy.

As someone said above, anger can help spur you through. I was angry for a good year (or a bad year, perhaps) but it helped me to not get sucked back into the black hole that was my marriage, along with very minimal contact over email (even talking on the phone was useless as it would just end up another shouting match and yet another inventory of all my faults).

But yeah, whatever else you might lose in assets is nothing compared to keeping your sanity (or finding it). FWIW I didn't go to a 'therapist' but worked it out myself through writing and other means. Finding the manosphere was definitely a boon to helping me understand some things. I'm not real big on therapists although I'm sure there's a decent one somewhere.

Eula

I'm back. I appreciate all the kind posts and helpful advice. I am taking it all into consideration.

My health situation turned out ok which I am very thankful for that!

He hasn't applied for any work but is actually working on the house. Which of course he had an entire year to work on the house, but now he decides to do that to avoid working. I did not get the NZ job. At least I tried.

We are talking a little but I guess that gives him the idea things are ok. I have been turning down nookie and that is how it is going to be. I never thought I would ever do that.

He is sending me mixed messages which I partly think he is just f ing with me.

On the one hand he is telling me to work on my business and next thing I know he is pressuring me to look for a paying job. I don't think he has the right to tell me a bleep thing. He lost that right when he lied to and deceived me by deliberately not looking for work.

I feel some real traction on this business. It looks like may even get a grant.

He should be supportive and kissing my arse and not causing drama and putting pressure on me.

It is not like he is doing anything important or plans to. I supported his lazy dead arse for more than a year to do nothing but screw off. He can get a f ing job and support me who is actually trying to achieve something.

But no,he can't possibly give. It is just take take take.

He started getting unemployment and when we went to the shops he had the f ing nerve to expect me to pay. I said you are getting money, you can pay. I mean really what did he think he was going to squirrel his money away while I continued to pay for everything. I don't think so.

I am going to start looking for a new place to move to and try to find someone to help me pack. 

Notelrac

I don't know what the laws and culture is in Australia, but why are you the one who has to move?