Moody blues and shit tests

dkbrig

When I read your intro, I didn't see anything about the lack of sex.  If I'm understanding this right, you said your baby was 14 mo old?  For me, those young years of the children where the most difficult times as frustration levels and assigning responsibility/expectation roles are still being worked out.  However, this isn't your first child, but your second.   My point is....being this is your second child who is 14 mo old, sex should be back on the agenda.  Aside from the anxiety attack that this post started out as, I feel there has to be more to this story.  I remember often feeling (blue pill days) as if my wife used the children as a reason to avoid my advances.  Besides her being flat out tired, I complicated things as I needed her attention too!  It wasn't until I became more vocal about my needs that she better understood that sex wasn't just a selfish act on my part, but a physical release that bonded us together. That bond helps you get through the difficult times!  I feel for you and I'm always skeptical to jump to any conclusions without hearing both sides, but I was wondering if you could maybe expand a little more on why you think the sex has been shut down and basically turned off.  A month of no sex would make me very frustrated and angry too!  From the tone of your post, I really think you understand Alpha behavior and it sounds like your able to at least recognize that the way she is treating you is unacceptable.  Learning how to stand up for yourself and handle these situations is one thing, but understanding a little better why she is behaving badly is another.  If it is medical as suggested above, that needs to be addressed. I guess I'm confused why the sex has dwindled.  That would be one of the first places I would start looking.  IMO

maker

Did you read my triage post?

Question Five – When Did the Sex Go Bad?

 

Shortly after we were first married, it has been 1/month for the last 7 years, sometimes a couple times a month, once it went 6 months between sexual activities.  When we do have sex it is great other than she never initiates (once this year) and doesn't speak up about what she wants.

maker

I am not overly concerned if this were just a dry spell while the baby is young, but it's a situation that existed before babies.

dkbrig

Thanks for the link and info.  IMO what your dealing with now is an extension of your triage post.  I'm sure you have heard this before but in response to your initial question "moody blues and shit tests" it appears to me that she has the control and is not willing to relinquish it.  There is a path that everyone on this site goes down.  Athol has laid it out in his books.  Map until your a higher rank and can be confident enough to decide what your next step is. If more sex is your desire, (quantity and quality) then there will be a point where you have to explain your stance, your priority and your path.  She is with you or against you and yada, yada, yada.  I know you know where this is headed.  It is a decision that we all face.  Create attraction and lay down your options.  Here is a quote from a post I kept.  It is from some time ago but I go back and read it often.

   "If you can't find a formula for at least getting sex as regularly as you need from her, then you do what alphas do:  Pack up and head for greener pastures.  This is of course after raising your sex rank above hers, running the entire alpha through beta spectrum, taking charge of the relationship as captain come hell or high-water, and the phase 4 discussion of "look, I wanted an ADULT relationship, you aren't acting like an adult, you're acting like a selfish child"

The bottom line is putting your self in a position to make the call. "I want you....but I don't need you! I NEED sex, but I want it from only you! "  

And more useful help:   “The central theme of MMSL is to get yourself into a position where you’re so valuable as a potential partner, that you no longer are required to tolerate being in a relationship with a crappy partner who refuses to handle their own shit.”

It’s always the unhappy spouse that comes to the forum. The unhappy spouse always has to do the same thing – become attractive and strong enough to gain leverage in their own relationship and then if required, force the issue.

The logic is pretty simple…

(1)  We are married. (2) The purpose of being married together is to have a sexual relationship. (3) When you refuse me sex, you’re avoiding holding up your end of the bargain while I still have to earn money, fix the house and mow the lawn. Therefore, (4) you are a total bitch.

Lots to think about.  She will continue to be a bitch as long as she feels you are down for that and have no control over her or that behavior.  It's rewarding bad behavior and also negative.  Re-frame to positive, eliminate the negative and once she understands your capable AND willing to make a change, her tone will change!  If not, your in a position to find someone who will treat you right.  Hope that helps!

maker

Some updates;

I have started focusing on drive-bys, initiating early, trying to stay OI, etc... and some of it seems to be working.

Weekend before last we had a big blowout, she was feeling moody and feeling trapped by being a sahm and having a needy baby demanding all her attention.  She was in a bad mood when she got up Saturday morning and was short with the kids and me.  I asked her what she wanted to do that day to which she gave non-committal replies.  I said we should go out and do something fun with the kids/each other.  After more grumbling and silent treatment I told her I was going to go outside and work on the chicken coop which needed some tending.

After an hour or two I come back in and she is moodier than ever.  She takes our son upstairs to put him down for a nap.  As I walked by them I said something about wondering if we were going to go anywhere and she made a snippy reply.  I asked her if something was bothering her and she exploded, telling me that I am selfish and that I give her no support and that I come home every weekend and ignore the family.  I calmly told her that I wasn't prepared to discuss it till she calmed down and could talk to me like an adult.  This led to a bunch of fuck you's from her.  Each was meant with a calm, "when you can talk to me like a reasonable adult we can discuss it."

Later that night she apologized for blaming me for her feeling trapped by our situation, especially after it was clear I would feed into her negativity cycle.

maker

That following days i was flirty with her and light hearted.  Sent her a couple suggestive messages during the day Tuesday and did some physical drive-bys.

That night we had sex for the first time since the end of August.  Now this roughly lines up with the existing schedule of once a month but I am not sure whether it's from that or from her responding to my efforts.

She hasn't had her cycle back yet as she is still bf-ing our son, so I am pretty sure it wasn't ovulation sex.  I am hoping my more assertive and confident awareness of myself and OI yield more results this month.

maker

So today she met with career development services and got some good news and possible support for starting her business.  She is super excited and in a good mood so I sent her a message about having some intimate fun tonight in a light hearted way, since she is in a good place I want her to associate that with me initiating sex.  Is this a good idea?