CartB4Horse's MAP

Mongrel

Most repair jobs are intimidating the first time. I remember thinking I was King Shit when I changed my first set of spark plugs at age 17!

Not all brake pads are easy (and for gad's sake, spell it correctly...). Some of the caliper designs are real head-scratchers even for me. There are so few people in the world who will even attempt such a task these days it makes the rest of us look like heroes...or Captains.

ffp20

If ya have a ford truck the front brakes can be a pain because just a little rust can build up and cause the pads to stick and not slide and wear out quick. After going thru rotors and pads quick i ground the slide lugs on a grinder to loosen the tolerances a little. Problem solved. 

CartB4Horse

Well last week end I had to change the brake pads on my wife's car.  Piece of cake!  The nice thing is now that I have the stuff at home to do it the cost is super low.  Fun stuff.

Last "cycle" we had sex twice.  Wife got a cold which cut out a third time and then shark week came rolling in.  The two times we did it were hot and I did what I wanted which was a goal of mine.

Wife is wrapping up shark week today or tomorrow so it will be back on.  We have a trip next week end, leave on Thursday night, stay at our vacation home on the way to a tournament for DD.  I'm going to initiate out there big time!

My goal remains to ramp up sex in preparation for a trip we are going on in early January.  Wife and I will have our own room....

Work is frustrating but improving.  I haven't had ANY issues with drinking.  I've had a few beers with the most being two Saturday night; I shut it off then and had milk and cookies...  It's unbelievable how "making the right choice" has made drinking irresponsibly go completely away for the last two months.  I have no desire to drink at all.

We got my son a car lined up at the end of the week.  My wife started to revert back to how she was before and I shut her down.  I told her I will take care of my kids no matter what; I won't ask what their other parent should or is doing, I'll take care of it.  She ran out of steam at that.

Later during the week end we got my son a new phone.  His old one died and his mother hadn't replaced it, even though it was on her plan.  Mrs. Cart actually brought it up and had ideas of how to go about it.  She went with my thoughts on the kids, just take care of them damnit!

Magnum

Cart - in only late September you said you were done drinking.  Why, because repeated experience showed that you couldn't drink responsibly.  Now, in early November you're telling us that you can drink responsibly...you've got it under control.  That was a very quick change of plan. 

samson

CartB4Horse said:

I haven't had one since, haven't even thought about it.  My thought process is changing but I still plan on making the choice NOT to drink any for a long time to come.

It feels different now and I like the new feeling.

Did the feeling change, the above was on October 13th?

CartB4Horse

You guys are right on calling me on this.  I have had a few beers (maybe 6 in two months).  I am very aware that this is a slippery slope and am not interested in going there again.

I drank irresponsibly three times since I started my new job - went out after work, drank too much and then drove home.  That's what made me decide to change my choices.  I don't feel the urge to drink.

My wife is giving me the green light (I believe) and should be past shark week tonight.  My plan is to initiate, get this cycle moving in the right direction.  I'd like to take her at least 4 x this time around and shoot for 6 x next cycle.

samson

So what is the plan?  Are you drinking or not?

missesnesbit

This morning I walked into our bathroom, handed my wife a cup of coffee and said "I'm done drinking".  She didn't say anything.  For the first time I completely understand her anger and wouldn't blame her for any actions that she would have taken including leaving me.  My eyes are wide open.

This quote right here has me a little worried for you. Not because I don't think you're being cautious or because your desires havent changed, but because you made a promise to your wife that you aren't keeping. When she hands you a beer, or gives you the okay to drink... That sounds like one big shit test to me. Are you strong enough to live up to your promise and REALLY be done with drinking?? or are you the guy who doesnt follow through? Making a statement like that and not backing it up with actions sounds really risky to me. It only takes ONE MORE slip up from here for everything to be over. Careful Cart, we're pulling for ya!

_io

Cart, I've been thinking the same thing as missesnesbit.  When you told your wife you were done drinking, you set your frame.  When she later handed you a beer and you took it, you showed her you were actually living in her frame.  I winced when I read it.  To me, it read like you had gotten permission from mommy to drink.  

You have a huge mutant hamster when it comes to your drinking.  I don't know if there's anything we can say to defeat it.  It's up to you. 

Blackwulf

Cart, this drinking issue will always be a time bomb.  You may not be an alcoholic, but you have had serious near marriage ending issues with it, I would avoid alcohol for as long as you want to stay married.  What value does the drinking add to your life and marriage? Is it worth any potential risk? 

Like_Water

I've just been hitting Agree to every cautionary post so far, but I'll chime in with my own opinion.  I'm deeply concerned about you returning to drinking after:
1) Telling your wife, "I'm done drinking"
2) Recounting multiple irresponsible incidents in the recent past.
You are putting yourself at risk of dramatically increasing your marital stress or returning to a previous pattern that could have ended in tragedy.  

Why?  For the feeling of normalcy that comes from having a beer or two?  Take joy in the feeling of being the guy who has faced his demon and kicked its ass.

Magnum

@CartB4Horse - how is it going?

CartB4Horse

I haven't had any drinking issues in two months but have had a few beers during that time.  I understand and agree that this is EXTREMELY dangerous.

My wife's problem wasn't that I was drinking, it was that I was being irresponsible with it.  I understand your concerns and appreciate all the care from the people here on this board.

I'm considering starting a new thread, "CartB4Horse's MAP v1.2".  I know that two CMN's I'd have to list are drinking and porn.  I don't recall taking a good hard look at these areas when I began to run my MAP.

I feel like my wife has been giving me shit tests and that I have been failing them by not staying in my Frame, busting out and getting mean towards her.  I can't do that, letting my emotions get involved causes chaos, not calm and certainly not what I want to do.

The time's where she gets shitty I lose attraction for like never before.  I don't want anything to do with her.  It worries me as it takes too much time for me to get past the event and move on.  I feel that much of the issue is in my head and worry that small shit tests should be handled and then forgotten, not thought about for hours.

OzLion

Hang in there @CartB4Horse. Maybe get back to basics and post weekly x3 monkeys?

CartB4Horse

@OzLion, very good idea!

I was over at your MAP page catching up.  You're doing quite well!

CartB4Horse

Monkeys for the rest of this week:

Plan and execute date night with wife for tomorrow night.

Fix wife's front brakes this week end (I did the rear ones a few weeks ago).

I know, pretty weak but I'm running out of time this week.  I'll start doing this on Mondays and plan them out a little better.

Angeline

CartB4Horse said:

I haven't had any drinking issues in two months but have had a few beers during that time.  I understand and agree that this is EXTREMELY dangerous.

My wife's problem wasn't that I was drinking, it was that I was being irresponsible with it.  I understand your concerns and appreciate all the care from the people here on this board.

I'm considering starting a new thread, "CartB4Horse's MAP v1.2".  I know that two CMN's I'd have to list are drinking and porn.  I don't recall taking a good hard look at these areas when I began to run my MAP.

I feel like my wife has been giving me shit tests and that I have been failing them by not staying in my Frame, busting out and getting mean towards her.  I can't do that, letting my emotions get involved causes chaos, not calm and certainly not what I want to do.

The time's where she gets shitty I lose attraction for like never before.  I don't want anything to do with her.  It worries me as it takes too much time for me to get past the event and move on.  I feel that much of the issue is in my head and worry that small shit tests should be handled and then forgotten, not thought about for hours.

There are several real, measurable goals stashed inside this post, versus a "to-do" list of chores.

I think it might also be useful to consider why you think you can just skim the surface of this process, ignore the elephant, and still make progress. Try to really dig in you why you think you can use a different rulebook.

I'm not trying to pick on you, but I don't want you to waste your time fake MAPping, either.

CartB4Horse

@Angeline, I don't feel like you are attacking me or picking on me in any way.  And, as always, I appreciate your insight.

My wife is quite vocal when she doesn't like what I'm doing.  She immediately says what's on her mind and doesn't pull punches.  This can cause me to become defensive, to feel that I'm being "attacked".  This is one of the most effective ways to draw me out of my Frame for her, even if she's not trying to do that (frankly she doesn't know what frame is as discussed here.)

For the first time I feel that I am looking at (not) drinking as a choice that I can make for ME.  I've stopped or changed my habits in the past due to my wife bitching about it or after a stupid incidence.  That didn't work, I'd resent it, resent HER and go back to my old habits.  I'm doing this as a positive choice instead of trying to avoid a negative AND IT'S WORKING.

A big RED for me right now is financial.  I need my job (commission sales) to work.  Without getting into too much detail I work for a small company in a business I have been in for more than 25 years.  I know what I'm doing but there are many new programs that have come out (I was out of the business for 3 years).  The company is a little messed up right now and I'm adapting but need to make money very soon.

Continued....

CartB4Horse

I don't know what has changed in me but I feel like the second my wife says something (negative) I feel like she's pressing on a raw nerve.  I go straight to pissed off and now I don't hold my feelings inside.  I feel like a pressure cooker, just boiling away inside with ever increasing pressure.

I need a plan, MY plan, and soon.

try_red_pill

@CartB4Horse sounds like the work/financial stress is boiling over into your relationship with DW. She's the one closest to you and therefore closest to the epicenter with things blow up and undermine your frame. What's the alternative?

On the drinking thing I can't really relate that much, I decided a while ago that I won't drink on school nights. There is just too much to get done and alcohol slows me down and tends to plonk my ass on the couch in front of the TV.

There's a few of us on here who have been trundling on for a few years but not able to declare ourselves a success story yet. I think that there are periods where either, something goes wrong, or we are not making the progress we want, when tempers get frayed and we loose frame and slip into old, bad, habits.

From my perspective it reminds me of what happens in Martial Arts training. It doesn't matter how much of a "natural" you are the guys that get the black belts are the ones that stick it out and keep coming back, not necessarily the strongest or fastest ones.

It takes determination more than anything else to, come back after an injury or setback, relearn some things and move forward. I happen to think it's the same with taking a fair to middling marriage to black belt level.

Remember that adage, fall down seven times, get up eight.