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http://www.precisionnutrition.com/rr-whey-too-much
Ignoring her. If she is polite and the request is reasonable then do it. Please is important. If it is a demand or she just assumes you will do it then don't. You're ignoring me becomes 'say please like the 5 year old'. Or just be busy so she can't assume you will do shit while she is on her hobby. I have to get to sleep by x is reasonable.
@Elaine - You are right that I spend too much time working - it has to change. I am not a perfect spouse and I need to work on myself. However, I have had other jobs and been available much more and our sex life was the same. But, absolutely I am not available much and we don't spend much time together. That is part of what I need to address. I do understand that if I'm not available, we don't bond and she won't be attracted to me. But as I said, there have been years where I am working more normal hours 40-50 - always home and around on weekends and we'd still be only 2-3x / month.
With her business, she spends several days and nights each week out or on the computer and is usually out of the house 1 weekend day for 6 hours or so. This is the first year W won't lose money. Even if it was wildly successful, she could clear more in a regular 9-5. The money potential is insignificant to us, the time away is not. I know she wants her own thing and I've been completely supportive until very recently when I realized this was all a game that I was losing.
The issue is that she has always equated what she is doing as on par with what I am doing so if we're both busy, we have to take turns away from our work. So I'm up with little sleep to get the kids off while she sleeps 8-9 hours and goes to work - I'm tired all day - she comes home tired with more work to do - and there is no financial benefit (which is her stated intention in having the job).
I feel like continuing to actively support her business is just me being a huge Beta chump and that my approach should be F**k it - it's insignificant to our family $, W is the only who derives any benefit from it, it's a hobby, if it turns into something else, then pay attention.
Now, I am actively trying to not think about or consider her business so if that's condescending, too bad. I'm an Alpha.
What do you seasoned experts think? Am I reading this right?
OK - help me with my tone. I am listening.
I thought that if I treated it like a hobby that would be more Alpha than hopping to every time she calls.
@Elaine - I do not have one foot out the door - I am committed, will never cheat and I love my wife - but I am utterly frustrated and decided very recently that I will not live like this permanently. I am committed to changing and becoming a better man and making this work.
Also, I work from home, so I am here all the time - I break each night for several hours - dinner to kids bed time - take them to lessons, usually have an activity for the kids on Saturday, take breaks when they come home, etc.
I understand that it sounds like right now, W may resent my increasing resentment towards her business as a passion killer (I'm sure she does). But, our sex life isn't any different really than before the business - what about the years before she had her business? At any point in time, even if we've been getting along great and there's no stress, she can whip out the sex denial test and get me backpedaling. Some stuff is legit and gets addressed, but a lot of times she's just pulling sh*t out of her ass to excuse her denial.
When we hang out, we have fun and enjoy each other - we are compatible as long as sex is not on the radar screen.
I have the MMSL Primer 20011 - and will really dive into this week. I have dropped 7 lbs. and am halfway to my wedding day weight (my goal) and have begin weight lifting for the first time ever and ordered whey protein. I am optimistic but I know it takes time and I have a long way to go.
I am here to learn and start MAP-ing - but I think that I am such a Beta that I need help with:
Thanks again everybody!
You sound passive aggressive and whiny. That isn't going to get you laid.
If she's spending that much time not making money she's essentially volunteering. Inform her she has X months to either make this thing profitable by Y amount or she needs to scale it back.
You? Work less. Be more direct. You talk about bonding instead of fucking. Direct initiation every day. Direct as in "you're getting fucked now."
Sex denial tests? Get thee to a gym or something else awesome.
You need to realize that for you to be captain you're gonna have to take the conn away from her.
After a couple of steadily improving months I had a month with WAY increased resistance from her. I think really separating the touching outside the bedroom from the outcome of sex has helped. Keeping it fun with jokes and teasing has helped. Not getting angry and withholding when she says no helps.
Reading blogs about sex? Just say I read all kinds of stuff I read a great blog about weight lifting etc. Protein supplements.... If she finds MMSL so what? Don't hide it or make it too obvious. Just don't push it on her.
Yes - I agree. It starts with me
I want the confidence/ability to control our sex sessions - to lead and be followed.
I want to turn my wife on, the way she turns me on.
I want to work less and enjoy life more.
I want the resentment I have of my wife to disappear completely.
I want to get back in touch with my old friends.
This is going to be your Achilles heel.
Can I take a stab at it for you?
"In six months, I will lead the way at home and in the bedroom, live for today, forget about the past, reconnect, and have more fun."
I'd put some fitness stuff in there too.
@DaveBowman
I love it - I didn't quite get your question the first time - here's my 2nd shot:
In six months, I will be in great shape with an awesome sex life, a manageable, but still fast-growing business, and an active social life.
I'd aim to be sexy... And spend some time thinking about what you want to get out of your sex life.
This list is a good start. So now you need to work on the steps required to get these things. To start I'd suggest making some plans with your friends and plan some date nights with your wife. Doing things you enjoy will give you a sense of confidence and happiness that will make you feel better about yourself and as a bonus will attract your wife. As you get happier your resentment will lessen. As your resentment lessens you will genuinely enjoy time with your wife more.
I think once you lessen your work hours and spend more quality time with your wife and friends your outlook will drastically improve. What steps do you think you need to take to achieve these goals? You need to know what to do as well as what to avoid to make these goals your reality. Like for an example start playing basketball with old friends to get exercise and spend time with them, arrange a sitter for a few hours a day to allow your wife to work on her business while you are working. That will free up more time to be together at night and will give her a break so it would be a win-win. You'll have to deicide what items are the most important and which ones you think will take the most time since time is your limiting factor right now. What do you think it will take for you to work less hours?
So we went out last night for an early dinner and had a great time. We each had a few drinks and then came back and had a long and intense sex session. W is still pretty uptight, but after a drink or two, is much more relaxed in the bedroom. The same is true for me so I was very relaxed also bc I decided that she would own her orgasm and I'd just focus on getting to PT.
At some point, her desire for control had to emerge and as we're getting into it, she started questioning me about this new mid-week night out plan and if I will now always expect sex and that she wasn't on-board with that in general, how about when she's on her period, etc.? My reply was can't we just have fun tonight - stop worrying and just relax - and got right back into it.
This will surely lead to discussions ahead of and during our next night out about my expectations and what I expect will be her to attempt a pre-emptive shut down - "well I'm not always going to want to have sex or that's not part of the plan, etc., etc." I'm realizing that she can never feel like she's not in control of where, when, how, and why we have sex. It's an expectation that's been established over our marriage - I have a very long way to go.
She did tell me I have been looking good recently. Anyway, next week, I'll have some time to read the Primer and develop my MAP plan and will report back with comments, questions, and updates.