Houston, we have a problem......

CartB4Horse

Okay everyone, I get it, the bedroom door being open 24x7 is an issue.

I forgot to mention that we have two dogs that sleep in our bed with us (I know, two more cock blockers!).  One of our dogs is almost "special needs" in that he can't hear very well.  He also tends to lick a lot and used to pee on himself at night.  Sooo, my wife's hamster also knows that we need to keep the door partially open so the dogs can use the dog door at night to go "potty".

I will tell my daughter, in front of my wife, that we are going to close our door at night after she has said her good nights so that I can get to sleep.  Wife is free to open the door after I am asleep.

I am farther along in my MAP so this can go back into effect.  Why is every damn thing a battle?

Tiger

You seem to be dancing around the helicopter parenting issue, or maybe it is simply not an issue in other areas and we are making too much of it.

In your response to me on page 1, you focused on #2 (the hamster as the issue) and completely ignored #1 (over protective parenting).  Can you help us understand if #1 is an issue at all by providing more information on things that you wife does that either show parenting toward independence or overprotective parenting? She likely does both, which is normal and healthy, but without information I don't know.

As parents we all walk a line and sometimes we can be too close to a situation to see that it is not healthy. I'm not saying there is a problem here at all, I'm simply trying to gather information to assess the situation.

This is related to the issue at hand:  If you can step up as Captain and implement a change in parenting in your family that leads to your daughter growing up as a more independent capable adult that's a huge DHV... eventually (she'll likely fight you tooth and nail first  But that only works if there is an actual problem here that needs fixing.

CartB4Horse

@Tiger -- I don't believe I was avoiding the issue.  My wife is overprotective of her daughter (She's my step daughter).  The interesting thing is I posted about my issue and used the bedroom door as an example.  While I agree this is another issue I need to address it's not what I originally brought up.  That's the great thing about MMSL, you bring something up and five other topics pop up.  All good stuff, don't get me wrong.

We have some heavy weather ahead.  My girl is almost 13 and pretty.  She's looking for attention and we I need to keep that in check.  In talking with some buddies I understand that young ladies will start to rebel against their mothers in DD's near future, especially when they are close.  It's instinct for her to want to stretch her wings.  I want to be the best Dad I can be and have her go in the right direction.  My wife may naturally sense the time for DD to start up is soon.  On another note if my DD ever figures out she could ask my permission to do things and almost ALWAYS get her way we are screwed.  If she ever calls me "Dad" I don't think I could get away fast enough for her to not see the tears.

The ONLY reason I want the door shut shut is so that I can get some on a more frequent basis.  Shut the damn door every night for one hour.  Let DD get used to it being shut.  90% of the time the only action going on in our bedroom is sleeping but it sends a valuable message to the young lass.

CartB4Horse

@newredpillrecruit --  I agree with you completely!  My DD also looks a lot like her mother and I already plan on having some tough conversations when the boys start sniffing around.  My son asked me what I would do when DD gets a boyfriend the other night.  I told him I'd kill somebody (with a smile on my face).

We gross DD out all the time, in a clean way.  Most I do is smack moms ass on the way by, or get her in a reverse hug while she is at the sink or stove and give her a good kiss.

I even had a conversation with the young girl about her mom and I.  Just how I love her mom and that although it might gross her out we are happy together and our showing it just happens.

I will work my MAP for ME.  Just have to focus on what I can control.

CartB4Horse

I don't own a gun (yet).

Friends still laugh at an event that happened years ago.  We were out at a vacation home in the desert with a few big/extended families.  Some young gentlemen were interested in a buddies niece.  I told the yound lads with a straight face that we had a big bag of lime and a few shovels in the garage.  I asked if they knew what the lime was for and after an affirmative response I just said "do you really want to throw the dice?".  The young lady (now 19ish) makes me tell that story over and over.

Tiger

CartB4Horse said:

@Tiger -- I don't believe I was avoiding the issue.  My wife is overprotective of her daughter (She's my step daughter).  The interesting thing is I posted about my issue and used the bedroom door as an example.  While I agree this is another issue I need to address it's not what I originally brought up.  That's the great thing about MMSL, you bring something up and five other topics pop up.  All good stuff, don't get me wrong.

We have some heavy weather ahead.  My girl is almost 13 and pretty.  She's looking for attention and we I need to keep that in check.  In talking with some buddies I understand that young ladies will start to rebel against their mothers in DD's near future, especially when they are close.  It's instinct for her to want to stretch her wings.  I want to be the best Dad I can be and have her go in the right direction.  My wife may naturally sense the time for DD to start up is soon.  On another note if my DD ever figures out she could ask my permission to do things and almost ALWAYS get her way we are screwed.  If she ever calls me "Dad" I don't think I could get away fast enough for her to not see the tears.

Why would you try to hide those tears from her?  They show her how much you care about and love her. They are a huge DHV to both her and her mother.  Wear them proudly.

Lots going on the above post, I'll take a swing at some of the issues.  For background my wife and I have 2 daughters 17 and 19, but no sons.  So I've been through the teenage girl years.  I can't help you with the step child thing directly, but I can advise on raising daughters in general.

I think it is the natural state of mothers to be over protective of their children, it is our role as fathers to help them understand that we are raising our children to be strong independent adults, able to be successful in our society and the broader world without relying on us.  We need to teach them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of those decisions, for good or ill.  Part of that progression is to recognize as they get older they are more and more capable of independence.  We need to foster and empower that desire and skill for independent action, while at the same time providing a safe haven for them to fall back to if things go south.  Structure is important, a clear set of expectations and rational consequences when they fail to meet those expectations gives a sense of stability and structure that allows exploration, investigation and learning from a position of safety and comfort.

One of the tools we gave our daughters to use as they explore the world is to feel absolutely free to make us the ones who are imposing boundaries on them even when it is they themselves who are uncomfortable.  For example if they are out in a social situation and a friend is trying to get them to do something they don't want to, it is perfectly acceptable for them to say "I can't do that, if my parents ever found out they would kill me.", or to send me a text message, "Dad, I don't like where this is going, I need you to come get me." and I'll show up and play the outraged parent and get her out of the situation.

On another note if my DD ever figures out she could ask my permission to do things and almost ALWAYS get her way we are screwed.

Not sure I understand this one at all, you are her parent, your job is to help her make the right choices. If you try to be her friend you will fail at the more important task of being her parent.  If you ever want her to think of you as "Dad" you have to man up and be a father figure.  Imposing reasonable boundaries and structure to her life until she is able to do that for herself.  That may well make her like your less in the short term, but it will eventually help her to love you like the father you were to her when that was what she needed.

SMan

 

CartB4Horse said:

My girl is almost 13

I understand that young ladies will start to rebel against their mothers in DD's near future,

Yep, that's true.

Somewhere between the age of 13 to 16, a teenage girl will start a pissfest with her mother.

Different daughter-mother combos will have different levels of aggression.  I've seen it vary, from all out screaming war to just mild rebellion like:

• mom: "Do this"
• daughter: says nothing, does the opposite
• Mom: "you did that in stead of this- you're grounded"
• daughter: "Oh yah"
• daughter: sneaks out of the house after 11

It will come.  Pray for it to be later rather than sooner.

 

fredless

This is obviously a control issue and perhaps, to a lesser degree, an attraction issue.  Continue Mapping, continue being Captain.  As she comes to trust that you are indeed Captain, these kind of battles fall by the wayside.

I have two sons, ages 14 and 17.  I've told them that if they ever need mom/dad in the middle of the night, they need to knock on our door.  If they just walk in, there is an excellent chance they'll see their mother without clothes (given that there is a no frumpy pajama rule for our bed).  My boys smiled, but they understood.

CartB4Horse

After everyones advice I have decided I just need to keep doing what I have been doing over the last few months.  Keep MAPing, avoid being passive aggressive, say what I want and need (nicely) and say no when it doesn't feel right.

Most likely I am facing control and attraction issues.  And she is in some pain and has been for the past month which has to be a huge factor. (Pinched nerve, bulging disk - being worked on with medical attention, she's starting PT this week.)

On the good side my workouts are having positive effects.  I am saying what I need more often now and will settle in at Phase Two for a bit and work on getting better at this stuff.

Want2bFO

I remember my parents door closed . We could knock if we wanted or needed them but the door was closed. It was normal. Our (kids) door was closed too so that Dad's early rising wouldnt wake us.

Perhaps a baby monitor OUTSIDE  the childs bedroom. If the kid called u would hear but it not IN the kids room so they still have privacy. You get to close ur door and hear the kid too.

win win or stupid idea?

WTF do I know, I am not a parent.

:-S

FormerNiceGuy

It's different if your kids have special needs, but I think you need to give your kids the gift of the best marriage you and your wife can have.  

You're not raising kids; you're raising adults.  You need to try and make DD as successful at being an adult as possible.  That means "mommy and daddy" don't bail me out everytime I get in trouble.

I have a 12 year old (and a 7 year old) and we keep our door closed.  They almost never need us and when they do, they can yell louder or knock.

As the man, you can help DD by letting her know you love her and think she's beautiful like her mother.  Don't make the mistake of ignoring her b/c she's developing and she's not your biological daughter.  If she doesn't believe she's beautiful to a safe man (her step father), she'll look for boys to tell her and they'll be happy to, but she might have to trade what she's not ready for in order to get that attention.

My DD has a friend her age who is already dating and has boyfriends.  The friend's dad is out of the picture and I foresee disaster as she looks for attention to fill that gap.

CartB4Horse

I haven't been here in a bit but saw people had posted.  Amazing how fast one moves when MAPing.

I am working on the problem and find that a lot of it has to do with lack of attraction from my wife.  I have been extremely passive aggressive with fear she would cheat and leave me.  All of this was inside me, nothing my wife was doing.

I have faced the fear of abandonment/cheating and it took the gas out of the fire.

We are working on all issues now.