How to get boyfriend to stop being a coward?

anonymous

I'm 22 and he's 23 and we've been dating for 3.5 years. Pretty good relationship just minor things to work on. One such thing is the fact the he is the biggest chicken which is obviously a huge DLV and a complete turnoff to me. He is afraid to go past his knees in the ocean, to sit outside when he can even hear thunder, of most animals including pet dogs, of scary movies, of going within 15 feet of the woods if it's dark, of upside down roller coasters, of having his window even cracked open at night for fear of robbers (we live in a safe area), and on and on. And it's not like he's just cautious and will do them even if he's afraid, he freaks out if I try to get him to do any of them. He doesn't have a mental disorder or anything, I think it's just that his parents coddled him instead of telling him to grow a pair when he was growing up. 

One time I suggested we go parasailing over the ocean and he said no way that's too high up and it's over the big scary ocean. I rolled my eyes (which I never do), shook my head, and walked off. He asked, "Are you just sick of it? Of me being scared all the time?". I said no and changed the subject because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I know that he knows I don't like that he's a wuss. 

I feel like it'd be a little harsh to say, "Oh by the way, you being a pussy just dries mine right up. Cut it out or else,". Any advice on how to get him to quit being a chicken and man up without being mean? 

Angeline

That's a pretty big "minor thing". Not only are you not feeling attracted, you're feeling outright revulsion. That isn't a good indicator of long term success in a LTR.

You aren't doing him any favors by joining forces with his parents and coddling him. For one thing, it isn't fooling him - he knows how you feel (based on the honest acknowledgement that you find the timidity unsexy). But you then fibbing and saying it didn't bother you just reinforces that he's too fragile for the real world.

I can't even imagine the program of events that produces a boy like this, nor how to go about fixing it, it it doesn't seem to be a speedy fix. Don't waste the pretty on a years long project with spotty chances of ever becoming a fully functioning adult.

Flaming_Man_of_Iron

He may have been "normal" but by now he'd need years of therapy to be "fixed". I would agree that you yourself absolutely have to stop coddling his feelings. You need to speak up and say things like "You being afraid all the time is a huge turn off."

What are the good things about him that you like?

John3

@anonymous, what you are describing doesn't sound to me like the result of a "it's just that his parents coddled him"  type of person. What you are describing is someone with an anxiety disorder of some type, which is a form of mental illness.  http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-anxiety-disorders.  Anxiety disorders can be treated.  Telling him to "man up" will work to make his situation worse (it adds to the anxieties).  A good regimen of therapy (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is a popular choice for anxiety), medication, relaxation therapy, and in some cases lifestyle changes will help. If his anxiety was created by a traumatic event in his past, therapy can help with that as well.

As @Angeline suggested, this isn't a situation where a quick fix is going to resolve the issue.  I doubt that yelling at him, or telling him nicely is going to make any difference.  Chances are good he doesn't like the way he feels any more than you like the way he behaves.  It takes work and time to get through that. 

If you can get him into a good therapist to get him evaluated, get meds prescribed, and get therapy started, you'll have a lot more information at hand on which to base any decisions you make about where to spend "your pretty."

Frank_London

This is really very simple. He has high anxiety. It likely started as a personality setting - ie he'll always be fairly high on the anxiety scale - but for whatever reason it's getting out of control on him. He is suffering.

This is a very treatable problem. There are medications that work; there are cognitive behavioural therapies that work. This is the most treatable, fixable mental health issue you can have. Get him to a doctor and a good psychologist.

That doesn't mean he will become a thrill-seeker. He might never go parasailing, so if you want a daredevil boyfriend you picked the wrong guy, but frankly there are lots of people who will never parasail; he's not alone on that one.

I have high anxiety. it can be hell. This is not his parent's fault. It's not even his fault. However it is his problem and it needs to be fixed.

If you love him, help him fix it.

Frank_London

> He may have been "normal" but by now he'd need years of therapy to be "fixed".

Based on the above, this isn't true.
And by the way, while I think of it

> He doesn't have a mental disorder or anything

This may or may not be true. A professional really needs to make that call.

OneEyedDrunk

anonymous said:

I'm 22 and he's 23 and we've been dating for 3.5 years. Pretty good relationship just minor things to work on. One such thing is the fact the he is the biggest chicken which is obviously a huge DLV and a complete turnoff to me. He is afraid to go past his knees in the ocean, to sit outside when he can even hear thunder, of most animals including pet dogs, of scary movies, of going within 15 feet of the woods if it's dark, of upside down roller coasters, of having his window even cracked open at night for fear of robbers (we live in a safe area), and on and on. And it's not like he's just cautious and will do them even if he's afraid, he freaks out if I try to get him to do any of them. He doesn't have a mental disorder or anything, I think it's just that his parents coddled him instead of telling him to grow a pair when he was growing up. 

One time I suggested we go parasailing over the ocean and he said no way that's too high up and it's over the big scary ocean. I rolled my eyes (which I never do), shook my head, and walked off. He asked, "Are you just sick of it? Of me being scared all the time?". I said no and changed the subject because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I know that he knows I don't like that he's a wuss. 

I feel like it'd be a little harsh to say, "Oh by the way, you being a pussy just dries mine right up. Cut it out or else,". Any advice on how to get him to quit being a chicken and man up without being mean? 

He does sound coddled. He needs friends that do many things to chastise him if he comes off pansy. Also, give him lots of hints that you want to do fun stuff. Take him to the gun range, and get really fucking hot for him that nit after he fires a gun. Don't fire it too much. Let him show you how to shoot when you "miss".

Essentially, he needs to alpha up. He needs to go do manly things, and that's what it comes down to. I understand the whole not rolling down window thing. However, I'm a victim of a carjacking from when I was younger, and carry a gun pretty regularly. Of course, I'm not scared really. I just don't want to put myself in a situation where I have to send some gangbanger to meet Jesus.

Give him the chance to do some daredevil things. It might take some time. Think of the guy played by Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day. Will Smith is definitely very alpha,NAND Goldblum is a beta schlub. In the end he embraces some alpha concepts, and his ex-wife is totally hot for him. He needs that chance to interact with someone like that. Maybe make him watch Dirty Harry movies, Band of Brothers, etc.

Get him out to alpha up a little. My wife and I were dating, and I think what attracted her to me was I had guns, I went shooting,mans she didn't. She was a theatre geek with a ton of pansy friends. I told her in no uncertain terms we would have guns, our kids would learn to shoot, and that was life.

Looking back on this I can see this was something she was very attracted to about me. We had an incident where I almost had to shoot someone (pursuit suspect hiding next door). She was SO hot for me after I showed the family how to I could protect everyone. I told the cops if that guy would have come over, then he would have got Glocked.

Serenity

Agree with @Angeline. This really isn't a minor issue.

I'd be interested in hearing more.

You can download the free Forum Orientation booklet and answer the Triage questions here for more detailed advice.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/athol-kay/mmsl-forum-booklet-free/ebook/product-20919811.html

Oh, and welcome to the Forum.  

Louise

Could you maybe start by just getting him to do one of the things he's scared of - what about going in the ocean for instance?  Can he swim?  if not, could you persuade him to have swimming lessons?

I think it would be best to be honest and admit to him that him being frightened of everything is a bit of a turn off, otherwise he doesn't really have much incentive to make the effort to change.  

I'm not convinced though that it isn't some kind of mental disorder - most children, however coddled, aren't usually frightened of anything and everything.  This sounds rather drastic to me.

Remus

Please listen to the people saying he needs to seek treatment.  This is an anxiety disorder and no amount of manning up or adding alpha is going to help.

So the big questions are 

1) will he listen to you and go seek treatment?  Given that he's scared of everything he's going to need a lot of support probably just to start going

2) Are you willing to be with him through what could be a long and difficult process?  You are 22.  Is he giving you enough else of what you want that its worth being his support network through all this?  If he's made it this far without getting help, its unlikely his parents can help him through it because they don't see it or were unwilling to do something about it.

Serenity

I'd be interested in hearing @BrianC 's take.

Athol_Kay

anonymous said:

Any advice on how to get him to quit being a chicken and man up without being mean? 

Honestly, there's probably none that would work without hurting his feelings.

 

Just show / email him the thread.

BetaGeek

To answer the question:

Don't try to fix him.
Stop dating him.
Do NOT marry him.

Monkeys_Uncle

"Are you just sick of it? Of me being scared all the time?"

Reply:  "I'm not, but my vagina sure its."
Seriously. Say something like that to him.  He clearly has an inkling that his behavior is turning you off, and you are going out of your way let him off the hook.  What's more, you are being dishonest with him.  He may or may not change if you are honest about your feelings, but I promise you he won't change if you keep lying to him about it.

I don't know if it's a mental issue or if you are just dating a giant pussy.  But if you want to stay with him, you definitely need to push him to overcome his fears.   Maybe plan a trip to the amusement park with some friends and let him know he's not invited because you would be embarrassed for them to see his reaction to a roller coaster.   He needs to have an eye opening experience about this.

Angeline

@Chief - they're dating, not married.

PhoenixDown

BetaGeek said:

To answer the question: Don't try to fix him. Stop dating him. Do NOT marry him.

Well, I agree with the "Don't try to fix him" and "do not marry" part. Don't marry him until he seriously fixes this issue with a therapist, and don't take any "I'll change" promises. Then decide how long you're willing to wait for him to fix it. 

BrianC

Anxiety disorders have become a bit of a speciality of mine.  And I will agree it sounds very likely that he suffers from Generalized Anxiey... but there could be other reasons for this kind of fear, unresolved trauma, a neurological condition, addiction, or serious hormonal problem.  I'm not a GP or a psychiatrist, and so I can't speak to it.  Nor would I accept this as the gospel truth until you have the opinion of a qualifie specialist.

A man carrying this kind of fear probably constantly feels emasculated.  His worried questionsare are a good reflection of that,  He knows that his fear isn't very manly, and it is hurting him.  He also knows already that you don't find it attractive.  He may worr even more that you are not being honest about it.

Here's the thing, there is no way you are going to be able to address this without him having a serious emotional response.  It's the nature of the beast.  And while he seems very nervous, he isn't made out of glass.  Talking to him about this is not going to be easy, but if you want to salvage this relationship, it is necessary.

I am going to reccomend a very straight forward approach using "I statements."  By talking about your perceptions rather than projection things onto him, he will probably be a lot ore receptive:

"I want to let you know that I've been doing some research online, because I am worried about the level of stress and fear you seem to constantly live with.  I have a good reason to believe that you might be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder.  It is a common mood disorder, and it can be cured with a little medication, some therapy, or even a good self-help program.

"It is hard to watch you fight with fear all the time, epecially when I see the strong man that I want inside of you.  And I will be honst, all this fear is making it hard to be sexually attracted to you.  I want to ask you to go to a doctor and tell him about these feelings."

The primer or this thread could also be helpful to share with him, but not until that conversation is had.

Monkeys_Uncle

At this point, none of us have nearly enough insight into these people's lives to claim to know whether she should try to work through this with him or cut him loose.   However, if she wants to attempt to improve the relationship rather than end it, I think the forum could offer some good advice (and already has).

redheaded_woman

I have a very different take on this than everyone else so far.

I don't think the issue is that he is afraid, I think the issue is that you aren't afraid. You are a risk taker dating a non-risk taker.

I think you're bored and that's what is drying up your attraction.

1. He is afraid to go past his knees in the ocean,

~why does this matter? Do you regularly visit the ocean and do you swim in it?

2. to sit outside when he can even hear thunder,

~why does this matter? If it's going to storm, why would one want to sit outside?

3. of most animals including pet dogs,

~do you have pets that he refuses to be around?

4. of scary movies,

~you could go with other people to see them

5. of going within 15 feet of the woods if it's dark,

~do you like to camp? I'm trying to figure out what you are really missing out on if he doesn't like the woods at night.

6. of upside down roller coasters,

~why does this matter? It doesn't stop you from riding one.

7. of having his window even cracked open at night for fear of robbers (we live in a safe area),

~again, why does this matter??

So, you need to decide if you are ok living life with a non-adventurous guy or if you need adventure / thrill / risk to be happy. It's ok if you do, but own that aspect of yourself and make sure you seek out a kindred spirit in your next relationship.

PhoenixDown

@redheaded_woman Uh, those things aren't risks, that's regular everyday life, aside from the parasailing.

redheaded_woman

@Redpillwifey Not in my mind.

We don't live near an ocean so when we go to the beach, I play in the tide but I don't swim in it. She didn't say he won't swim in a swimming pool. Who cares if he won't swim in the ocean unless they live there and she swims in it every day.

Nobody has to go to the woods in the dark....unless you're camping. I don't camp - there's no plug for my curling iron.

I don't ride roller coasters and neither does my husband. I tried, hated it and will never do it again. There's no reason she can't ride one without him if she wants.

If she said he couldn't leave his house for fear of being around other people, my advice would be different....but none of the things she listed are essential to living a happy, fulfilled life with a good job and friends.