How to get boyfriend to stop being a coward?

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  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    We can split hairs all we want on how he might not really be a coward, but SHE perceives him as such and HE makes comments such as "Are you just sick of it?  Of me being scared all the time?"  Both indicate that there is a problem.  It does her no good to convince herself that she should be okay with this. 
    Speak your truth. 
    [Deleted User]PhoenixDownredheaded_womanAngeline
  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    @Scarlet said:

    We can split hairs all we want on how he might not really be a coward, but SHE perceives him as such and HE makes comments such as "Are you just sick of it?  Of me being scared all the time?"  Both indicate that there is a problem.  It does her no good to convince herself that she should be okay with this. 

    Completely agree.

    Just encouraging @anonymous to reflect on her expectations so if she does move on, she can look for someone suited to her.

    Apparently being on cough medicine with phenegran in it has caused me to not make my point in this thread clear at all.
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
  • LazyAlphaLazyAlpha Silver Member Posts: 640

    Lots of discussion about therapy, drugs, etc,  Sounds to me like perhaps he just grew up without strong male role models in his life.  I would suggest a more traditional approach to help him man-up would be for him to get some male friends that are role models and mentors.  If he does not already have such friends, it may take a while to get in with some groups and build some trust and bonding.  Maybe something like organized sports, or some other club or group of men that meets on a regular basis does something masculine.  Think team sports.  Start with something physical but mostly safe like a softball or basketball league before you send him off to shooting sports, mma, and car racing.  Maybe some classes involving power tools like wood shop, welding, car restoration.

    Key is to send him off to do these things with his male friends and without you.  There is some shit that boys growing up can only really learn from strong male role models.  Sometimes those role models are older siblings and friends.  Sometimes they are fathers and other adult males in their life.  In any case, there is a lot of stuff that only gets talked about and only goes down when their moms and wives are not around.

     

  • anonymousanonymous Silver Member Posts: 64

    Thank you all for your kind advice!

     Here’s the reason why I don’t think it’s a mental disorder: before we were officially dating and he was trying to convince me to date him he wasn’t afraid of anything. Later, after we were dating and he was being a pussy I asked him why he never used to be afraid of things. He said he was terrified the whole time but he knew I wouldn’t date him if he was being a wimp and so he acted like he wasn’t afraid. Male version of bait-and-switch? I asked him how he would feel if I just decided that since we were officially in a relationship I didn’t care to stay in shape anymore/would cut my hair/whatever. He said, “I don’t care if you gain weight I’ll still love you”. How was I supposed to compete with that statement?

     Also, as for breaking up with him because of this (without giving him opportunity to fix it) I think it would be morally wrong. Although we are not married and have only been dating 3 years, we have been best friends for six years and friends for ten. He has been there for me and I have been there for him through the good and bad. He talks about getting married all the time and since we are both poor still in grad school I don’t think he’s just blowing hot air. Unless he cheated, killed someone, etc, I would not just break up with him without sufficient warning and opportunity for improvement. 

    AngelineFlaming_Man_of_Iron[Deleted User]
  • anonymousanonymous Silver Member Posts: 64
    "Are you just sick of it? Of me being scared all the time?"

    Reply:  "I'm not, but my vagina sure its."

    Love it! Definitely going to try this one!
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    By the way, the old adage about 'facing your fears' can actually work; however it has to be done at the pace that the person can control. Shaming him into manning up won't work. It's not about whether it's right, wrong, mean, kind, tough love or whatever... it just won't work.

    But most importantly for change to occur something else has to happen. He has to agree that he has a problem and he has to decide to fix it. That's square one.
    PersephoneHildaCornersAngeline
  • georgegeorge Silver Member Posts: 1,514
    You're both pretty young. Most people haven't figured it all out at your ages. However, this clearly bothers him. It impacts the way he sees himself. My guess is he'd like to change it.

    That would involve: (1) some guidance from a strong male presence in his life and doing 'guys' stuff, (2) possibily some counseling and reading, (3) IF it is an anxiety disorder more therapy and possibily medication. A martial art would help. It will also take TIME.

    Notice I haven't mentioned what you could do to change him - probably not much, especially if this is an anxiety issue.

    You can show him this thread. Or buy him the Primer. And let him know he's hardly the only one like this. He doesn't need to go through life afraid or anxious. Lots of us have transformed our lives. It's really a much better life not to be afraid of dumb stuff - there's enough real scary stuff to deal with.
    [Deleted User]
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963

    I've forced myself to ride amusement rides that terrified me to impress dates; but what you can do a few times is not something you can do constantly. He needs to work through these phobias (and be checked to see if there is a deeper problem). You need to tell him 1) I love you; 2) I'm not attracted to you; 3) get to a doctor to lean how to deal with it.

    I was afraid of strange dogs when I was young (bit when a baby) and have worked through that. Heights I had worked through, but need to refresh since I have been having problems with some bridges.

    These are largely curably (I not sure I could ever handle upside down roller coasters)

  • Flaming_Man_of_IronFlaming_Man_of_Iron BCGold Men Zen Garden Posts: 454
    I think the "we need a break so you can fix yourself" is the best course of action. He needs professional help, along with a copy of the primer & mindful attraction plan. seriously, these books blow a guys mind and give him tools to fix the problem.
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