Sorry for joining this community with a rant; I'll do a proper triage post later. Right now I need to vent.
I woke up a 7, like every day, mostly to make breakfast for my wife. I could wake up at 8 or 8:30 and still get to my job on time, but I like to start my day with her. No, I'm not underemployed; I just have a better job and make twice as much as she does, thanks in part to busting my ass at university and then my own company before landing this job, while she spent her 20s partying and not getting her degree.
But I digress. She was dressing for work, and broke a button of her jacket. Her first reaction? Help me fix this. Gladly; I'm good with tools and fixing stuff in general. But this requires a special tool, probably the kind shoe repair shops have. Her second reaction? Since there's a shoe shop near the train station, can I leave it on my way to work? I think "why am I always the one fixing what you break?" I think "don't you go to exactly the same train station? Why can't you go yourself?". But I say "Yeah, I'll try".
So she leaves for work, and instead of having this one hour a day for myself, I take out the garbage (also my responsibility, god knows why), and take her jacket to the shoe shop (it turned out they also don't have the tool, so I'm carrying her jacket to work and back all day). In the afternoon I'll take some time off my work to make a doctor's appointment for her, because she's too busy. Except for her smoke breaks. Wait, didn't I say smoking was a deal-breaker for me when we were first dating? Oh, yes, she promised she'd quit. Joke's on me.
As I was leaving home this morning, I felt physically sick. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I forgot to mention what I get in return for all of this (and lots more I'll mention in the triage post): having to practically beg for a kiss or a hug, no sex since July (it's fucking November!!!), average of 5 or 6 times a year since I'm keeping track (at least 3 years). After 3 years of marriage and 5 together, lived mostly through promises of a better situation in the future. We're talking of "rekindling the flame", we're going to do this and that, but this is how it's been for at least 4 of our 5 years together.
How did I get myself into this pathetic situation? Why am I still doing this? Is there a real chance of things improving, or am I still clinging to the hope of a better relationship that will remain imaginary? I'm 32. I know it's not late. But I dread the idea of a divorce for several reasons: I fear confrontations, I think she's essentially a good woman, and I know the problem is me, so in a new relationship I'd just repeat my mistakes.
And yet I can't help but wonder whether I'm overreacting. I love her, shouldn't I be happy to help her whenever I can? At first I was; at some point I started resenting her. Am I being too selfish? I want to be happy; is that selfish?
My head is a mess. Help. I'll post the triage later.
Comments
G'day @beta80
That's a doozy of a pickle you've got yourself into, and no mistake.
You know, you can fix all that stuff if you want. Would you like to try?
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
The great news is that you have taken the first step to turning your marriage into something that you're happy with. 80% of the time, the problems that guys bring to the forum are just behavioural. A few adjustments to the way he acts can, over a few months, change everything for the positive.
I'm looking forward to your triage questions. I'd also like to know which of Athol's books you've read.
All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.
Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project
My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship
Welcome, @beta80! You definitely came to the right place.
First, read the primer again... now. I agree with @Flaming_Man_of_Iron that you have some boundary issues in your marriage, but major chunk may come from Nice Guy Syndrome, so I think "No More Mr Nice Guy" should be next in your queue. Then MAP book next.
Second, you've correctly identified that this is your problem to fix. You will need a lot of patience and determination... you have developed these patterns of behaviors through your entire life and it will take time (and effort) to redirect them.
Highly suggest you get a jump start by pursuing some coaching time with Athol.... and no, I don't get a commission... just see a bunch of testimonials from happy folks on the forum.
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
But to internalize that it's your responsibility and your fault when she doesn't get up in morning is a text book Nice Guy behavior... couple this with your other NG behaviors and it's absolutely marriage destroying. You're her beta bitch, whipping boy when things don't go right, and enabler for maintaining an aura of victim-hood and entitlement.
You've created a dynamic where there's no parity in the relationship... no give and take. All that's left is the building resentment and bitterness from the lack of reciprocity and the inevitable victim pukes where you're consistently painted into the 'asshole' corner. Your remorse and shame produces even more bad beta servitude, more lack of respect and abuse... rinse and repeat. Each cycle relentlessly chips away at your soul, sending you further down the maw of the abyss.
Time to break the cycle.
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.
Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project
My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship
Good luck man. Sounds like you love this woman a lot.