Mess in my head. Way to say Hi!

beta80beta80 Silver Member Posts: 33
Sorry for joining this community with a rant; I'll do a proper triage post later. Right now I need to vent.

I woke up a 7, like every day, mostly to make breakfast for my wife. I could wake up at 8 or 8:30 and still get to my job on time, but I like to start my day with her. No, I'm not underemployed; I just have a better job and make twice as much as she does, thanks in part to busting my ass at university and then my own company before landing this job, while she spent her 20s partying and not getting her degree.

But I digress. She was dressing for work, and broke a button of her jacket. Her first reaction? Help me fix this. Gladly; I'm good with tools and fixing stuff in general. But this requires a special tool, probably the kind shoe repair shops have. Her second reaction? Since there's a shoe shop near the train station, can I leave it on my way to work? I think "why am I always the one fixing what you break?" I think "don't you go to exactly the same train station? Why can't you go yourself?". But I say "Yeah, I'll try".

So she leaves for work, and instead of having this one hour a day for myself, I take out the garbage (also my responsibility, god knows why), and take her jacket to the shoe shop (it turned out they also don't have the tool, so I'm carrying her jacket to work and back all day). In the afternoon I'll take some time off my work to make a doctor's appointment for her, because she's too busy. Except for her smoke breaks. Wait, didn't I say smoking was a deal-breaker for me when we were first dating? Oh, yes, she promised she'd quit. Joke's on me.

As I was leaving home this morning, I felt physically sick. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I forgot to mention what I get in return for all of this (and lots more I'll mention in the triage post): having to practically beg for a kiss or a hug, no sex since July (it's fucking November!!!), average of 5 or 6 times a year since I'm keeping track (at least 3 years). After 3 years of marriage and 5 together, lived mostly through promises of a better situation in the future. We're talking of "rekindling the flame", we're going to do this and that, but this is how it's been for at least 4 of our 5 years together.

How did I get myself into this pathetic situation? Why am I still doing this? Is there a real chance of things improving, or am I still clinging to the hope of a better relationship that will remain imaginary? I'm 32. I know it's not late. But I dread the idea of a divorce for several reasons: I fear confrontations, I think she's essentially a good woman, and I know the problem is me, so in a new relationship I'd just repeat my mistakes.

And yet I can't help but wonder whether I'm overreacting. I love her, shouldn't I be happy to help her whenever I can? At first I was; at some point I started resenting her. Am I being too selfish? I want to be happy; is that selfish?

My head is a mess. Help. I'll post the triage later.

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Comments

  • pocketacespocketaces MassachusettsSilver Member Posts: 1,019
    Have you read the books?
    EightbitDanG
  • Adam_SAdam_S Queenslander!Silver Member Posts: 1,893

    G'day @beta80

    That's a doozy of a pickle you've got yourself into, and no mistake.

    You know, you can fix all that stuff if you want. Would you like to try?

    "But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks

  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    Welcome. Sounds like you found the right place to actually turn this around. Just keep a cool head for a couple of days until you have a strategy in place. Put as much detail in the triage as possible to get the best advice.
  • FrizFriz FloridaSilver Member Posts: 633
    Yes, it can get better, but only if YOU get better. You're not overreacting. No sex since July for a couple in their 30's is not what I woulod call normal. She can do things for herself, but why should she if you will do it all? Post some triage, read the books and get to work.
    DanGKillaHertz
  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987
    I know the problem is me, so in a new relationship I'd just repeat my mistakes.

    You got that bit right!

    ... which is good news, because if the problem was someone else, you couldn't fix it
    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
    HildaCornersTemplar[Deleted User]KillaHertz
  • BrianCBrianC Oshawa, ONGold Men Posts: 3,138
    @beta80 welcome to the forum.  You sound a lot like I felt about four years ago in my marriage: frustrated, bitter, a little resentful, and very sweet and kind to your wife when the two of you are together.

    The great news is that you have taken the first step to turning your marriage into something that you're happy with.  80% of the time, the problems that guys bring to the forum are just behavioural.  A few adjustments to the way he acts can, over a few months, change everything for the positive.

    I'm looking forward to your triage questions.  I'd also like to know which of Athol's books you've read.

    All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.

    Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project

    My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship

    KillaHertz
  • Flaming_Man_of_IronFlaming_Man_of_Iron BCGold Men Zen Garden Posts: 454
    edited November 2013
    This book will be your friend, I think more than No More Mr. Nice Guy, the Primer, or the Mindful Attraction Plan:


    And get yourself a therapist, a good competent Red Pill one. BrianC has a post somewhere that gives advice on how to find one.

    Honestly, due to either your temperament or upbringing (likely both) @beta80, you've had any ounce of confrontation or leadership pounded out of you. It will take time to fix things. Be patient. :)
  • beta80beta80 Silver Member Posts: 33
    Thanks everyone! I didn't expect so many replies so soon. I feel less alone now :) I'll do the triage immediately.

    @pocketaces, I read the Primer 2011 a few months ago. I've been on the verge of posting several times, but I "calmed down" before doing it. Today I just couldn't take it.

    @BrianC, thanks! Your words are very encouraging :)
  • Changed_ManChanged_Man ChicagolandSilver Member Posts: 1,965

    beta80 said:
    Thanks everyone! I didn't expect so many replies so soon. I feel less alone now :) I'll do the triage immediately.

    @pocketaces, I read the Primer 2011 a few months ago. I've been on the verge of posting several times, but I "calmed down" before doing it. Today I just couldn't take it.

    @BrianC, thanks! Your words are very encouraging :)
    Welcome, @beta80! You definitely came to the right place.

    First, read the primer again... now. I agree with @Flaming_Man_of_Iron that you have some boundary issues in your marriage, but major chunk may come from Nice Guy Syndrome, so I think "No More Mr Nice Guy" should be next in your queue. Then MAP book next.

    Second, you've correctly identified that this is your problem to fix. You will need a lot of patience and determination... you have developed these patterns of behaviors through your entire life and it will take time (and effort) to redirect them.

    Highly suggest you get a jump start by pursuing some coaching time with Athol.... and no, I don't get a commission... just see a bunch of testimonials from happy folks on the forum.

    When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!

    "Stand" by Rascal Flatts


    spankyScarlet
  • Im_a_ManIm_a_Man CanadaSilver Member Posts: 878
    Sounds like my story too..... Mr. Nice Guy Fix it.

    You're probably so competent at everything that you almost never ask anything of her. You treat her how you want her to treat you. None of this is working and will not work so stop it today.

    As an experiment try the following activities:
    1) Next time she asks you to do something that she can easily do. Say this "No can do!...and when did i become your personal assistant?"....from this point on watch and listen. If she starts going off on you simply walk away. Do not argue. You made your point.
    2) Ask her to do simple things for you. "baby can you grab me a glass of water"..."Come here and rub my neck, my shoulders are sore".
    3) DO NOT MAKE HER BREAKFAST EVERY DAY! Only if you feel like it and only during happy times. I would not exceed 3x per week....she will react negatively because its currently expected, as you only do it randomly she will start to appreciate it much more and will start returning the favor.

    Pay less attention to what she says but how she behaves. You really have nothing to lose...you're not having sex so do you really care if she's annoyed with you?

    If my suggestions seem difficult read the books suggested above before trying this experiment.
    KillaHertz
  • beta80beta80 Silver Member Posts: 33
    @Im_a_man thanks, I'll follow your suggestions.

    The breakfast thing is tricky. I feel bad by "oversleeping" if she has to wake up earlier to go to work. Making breakfast while she finishes dressing and putting makeup seems like the logical thing to do.

    Am I totally wrong feeling bad if I didn't wake up with her?
  • DaddyOhDaddyOh CTGold Men Posts: 1,589
    Welcome aboard. You have taken the first step to waking up. Please include whether you have kids.
    "How vain it is to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."
  • pocketacespocketaces MassachusettsSilver Member Posts: 1,019
    Yes. This should not make you feel bad. Does she return the favor on the weekend?
  • beta80beta80 Silver Member Posts: 33
    @DaddyOh, thanks. No kids, I want to (always in 10 years), she hates them.

    @pocketaces. OK, I'm even more wrong than expected. On the weekend - not really. We make breakfast jointly, at least (pathetic consolation, right?)
  • beta80beta80 Silver Member Posts: 33
  • Changed_ManChanged_Man ChicagolandSilver Member Posts: 1,965
    beta80 said:
    Am I totally wrong feeling bad if I didn't wake up with her?
    It could be an occasional good beta thing to do when she a rough previous day or feeling under the weather.

    But to internalize that it's your responsibility and your fault when she doesn't get up in morning is a text book Nice Guy behavior... couple this with your other NG behaviors and it's absolutely marriage destroying. You're her beta bitch, whipping boy when things don't go right, and enabler for maintaining an aura of victim-hood and entitlement.

    You've created a dynamic where there's no parity in the relationship... no give and take. All that's left is the building resentment and bitterness from the lack of reciprocity and the inevitable victim pukes where you're consistently painted into the 'asshole' corner. Your remorse and shame produces even more bad beta servitude, more lack of respect and abuse... rinse and repeat. Each cycle relentlessly chips away at your soul, sending you further down the maw of the abyss.

    Time to break the cycle.

    When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!

    "Stand" by Rascal Flatts


    [Deleted User]Balance
  • Im_a_ManIm_a_Man CanadaSilver Member Posts: 878
    beta80 said:
    @Im_a_man thanks, I'll follow your suggestions.

    The breakfast thing is tricky. I feel bad by "oversleeping" if she has to wake up earlier to go to work. Making breakfast while she finishes dressing and putting makeup seems like the logical thing to do.

    Am I totally wrong feeling bad if I didn't wake up with her?
    If you're feeling bad about not making breakfast it means you have more work to do with reading, especially No More Mr. Nice Guy.

    It's not about you being mean or selfish...its about understanding your motivation and why on earth you would feel bad about sleeping in. 

    We don't have your Triage yet so lets get all the data on the table first. You'll get better advice after that.
    Balance
  • BrianCBrianC Oshawa, ONGold Men Posts: 3,138
    FWIW, I wake up with my wife every morning and cook her breakfast.  But, I do this for the selfish reason that I can keep her in bed longer in the morning.  This leads to extra naked cuddling and the odd morning quickie.  It's all about frame. :D

    All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.

    Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project

    My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship

    KillaHertz
  • TheSuperRedneckTheSuperRedneck NCSilver Member Posts: 57
    Sounds like she's having a hard time being attracted to you because you won't ever stand up to her.

    Good luck man. Sounds like you love this woman a lot.
  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaGold Men Posts: 2,410
    beta80 said:

    @DaddyOh, thanks. No kids, I want to (always in 10 years), she hates them.

    This concerns me, a lot. She hates kids?! And you want them. Did the two of you talk at all prior to getting married?
    Insert witty, insightful signature here.
    MongrelScarletKillaHertzredheaded_woman
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