Loose

Needyhusband

I have a delicate problem.  My wife is very loose.  I have no problem with it and fact I like it very much because we really like hand play.  My wife, however, is upset that I have a hard time coming during normal intercourse.  She blames my masturbation habit which is certainly part of the equation but not the main problem.  Sometimes I have her finger herself during intercourse which really helps.  How do I explain to her what is going on?  I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't except that I am the main culprit.  I know that if she were tight I would not have near the problem I do.

PhoenixDown

Eek, I'm not sure you can tell her that gently. I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. 

The masturbation could make a huge difference. Are you looking at porn also? That might also be having some effect.

Whatever you do, don't just tell her that. That's a huge thing to a woman, especially if she's had kids, because there's not a whole lot you can do to fix it, other than kegel exercises, which might not do much. It'd be like if she told you that you had a tiny penis. 

Monkeys_Uncle

There is probably no way to approach this subject without putting your wife on the defensive, but if it is negatively effecting your sex life, that's probably just something you are going to have to deal with. 

As for solutions:  How is your wife's fitness level?   Does she work out?  

Pilates and Kegel exercercises are your friend.  Anything to strenghthen her core and especially her pelvic floor will help tighten up her vagina (but she will have to focus on making it tighter during sex, which is maybe not something she has ever had to do before).    One of my cousins had a similar problem and got his wife some Ben Wa balls, and she spent a lot of time walking around during the day holding those in her vagina... he reported great improvement (we have some interesting conversations in our family over the Thanksgiving turkey).

Monkeys_Uncle

Along the lines of what Steu was saying... if you guys don't do very much anal play... an unexpected finger in her ass just when you are about ready to cum may have the desired tightening effect... but may also get you bucked off. 

Joskin_Nodd

@NeedyHusband: "She blames my masturbation habit which is certainly part of the equation"

Probably the main part. Stop that, and see what happens. 

"I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't except that I am the main culprit."

If you haven't tried going for an extended period (we're talking months, dude) without masturbation (and certainly: no porn!) then you have no idea if you are the main culprit or not, and you probably are. 

My situation is similar to yours in regards to the wifely snugglybox constructiveness. I am LD besides. I (mostly) gave up masturbation half-a-year ago, and there's a clear difference in my ability to orgasm from PiV. 

Make a deal with your wife. You'll stop spanking the monkey like you're a pimply-faced teenager, and she'll start doing kegels and trying to tighten up "down there". The combination is sure to work. 

Needyhusband

I am stopping masturbating and porn.  I will do my part.  I am sure that will help.  It is interesting that my wife comes very quickly with PiV and she is not multi-orgasmic so she gets frustrated with me going much longer.  Yes, my wife had three kids vaginally.  As I said, I love her size, not a problem for me but I guess we have had too much non-PIV activities for her comfort.  She has tried tightening up during sex but it just feels like she is pushing me out not tightening around me.

Joskin_Nodd

@Needyhusband: "It is interesting that my wife comes very quickly with PiV and she is not multi-orgasmic so she gets frustrated with me going much longer."

Then that's something for your wife to address. Your going to do your part, maybe she could do more to prime the pump. PiV with a starfish is one thing, PiV with a wild woman who moans like a porn star is something else again. Starting out with a mind-blowing blowjob might have you ready to detonate once PiV starts. 

"As I said, I love her size, not a problem for me but I guess we have had too much non-PIV activities for her comfort."

And it's going to be hard for you to give up masturbating and porn: it's like quitting smoking. Sounds easy until you do it. You won't be comfortable with that. Perhaps there's a nice meeting ground where you're giving up the porn and she's more enthusiastic about the pre-PiV fellatio. 

Joskin_Nodd

Also, stopping masturbation and porn use will increase penile sensitivity over the following weeks/months, and you're likely to find PiV feels a lot better than it used to. Which will lead to less delayed ejaculation on your part. 

fredless

Needyhusband said:

I am stopping masturbating and porn.  I will do my part.  I am sure that will help.

I stopped masturbating/porn about a month ago.  I had no issues although I noticed it was taking a bit longer to get hard.

HUGE difference.  The sex, for me, is much more intense.  In addition, I know I'm pounding my wife with a new passion and my wife is CLEARLY responding.

I let my wife know that I've stopped masturbating as well.  Just recently, when I was pushing through resistance with her she said, "Well, you've got hands."  With a smirk I replied, "You know I don't do that anymore."  And sex followed.

Serenity

Oh my gosh, don't use the word 'loose' with her.  Tell her this way, "honey, I'm having a tougher time with O's lately and I think it's because I've been masturbating too much.  I'm going to stop completely, but I need your help.  Could I get you to have sex with me more frequently (if that's an issue) and practice doing some kegels until I get back up to speed?"

That way you place all the blame on yourself and keep her from going out of her mind with anxiety about how loose she is. If she feels she's not sexually adequate, you can wave good-bye to sex with her.

Also recommend trying Cialis just for kicks and seeing how it feels.  Might help.

Dido

@NeedyHusband: we may need to be a little indelicate here! Is she having any other problems eg stress incontinence? If she is (and assuming she has had 1 or more vaginal deliveries) then she may well have a physical problem.
Does she avoid jumping or cross her legs if she coughs or sneezes? If she does perhaps you could ask why discretely?
If her problem is severe then there is surgery available to correct it but if not too bad then Kegel exercises and other physical exercise will help. Pilates is supposed to be really good. Perhaps you could join a class together?

Mr_Brown

Buy her 50 shades and some Ben wah balls!

Ben

It had less to do with looseness and more to do with the fact that certain positions were VERY stimulating for her and much less for me, but my STBX and I also sometimes had problems where she'd come from PinV long before I would and would get irritated by too much post-orgasm stimulation while I tried to get mine.

I second Joskin's suggestion that one possible solution is to ramp up the foreplay on you.  Do whatever you usually do to get yours when you're not getting it from PinV-- HJ, BJ, whatever-- and get right up to the cusp of orgasm, then switch to vigorous PinV.  Work on timing it so that you come more-or-less at the same time.

Contrary to popular belief, simultaneous orgasm is not something that just comes naturally when two people wuv each other vewwy vewwy much, but it IS very rewarding when you learn how to make it happen on a consistent basis.  It gets easier with practice, and once you can do it consistently, you'll start to build up mental associations such that her orgasm can trigger yours and vice-versa, making even easier.

Needyhusband

@Dido:  She definitely has stress incontinence.

@Ben:  Great suggestions.

In all honesty we have had relationship problems for a while that had really hurt her passion and desire.  So when we would have sex she would not want foreplay but wanted to go straight to P/V play.  I am sure that a combination of my MAP development and the stopping of porn/masturbation will ultimately help a lot.  She did come twice once in vegas with us coming together when she came the second time.  I cherish that memory ">

Needyhusband

Oh, and regarding my *ahem* size, I am average length and above average thickness.  Does anyone need proof?  I can post a picture! Just Kidding!

Im_a_Man

I've read (sorry no experience here) that people who like hand play will have the man put his cock in with his hand for the needed pressure. Perhaps this is something you can try too.

Regarding porn and masturbation...drop the masturbation part and that should have you crazy wild for her.

Eightbit

Mr_Brown said:

Buy her 50 shades and some Ben wah balls!

Omg the balls are hands down the best sex toy investment ever. At least for my wife and i. Wish i would have known about them years ago.

Jacquie

@NeedyHusband

This is such a delicate situation and one I wish I knew better how to advise. It was something we had difficulty with but I didn't realize how much so until I started doing my own research and started doing the exercises and things improved greatly. My husband didn't tell me until after this how it'd felt to him. I made me a little sad that he felt he couldn't tell me about it and fix it sooner. Hopefully the suggestions here will work out for you.

Just an added suggestion, not sure if it would help or not, but you mentioned the stress incontinence. Would she be open to you suggesting a product that would help with doing the kegel exercises? There are a few on the market that are good and it's what helped me. A few babies and age makes it a pretty common problem to women. If you approached it from that perspective instead of a sexual perspective then it would be about her health and well being but with added benefits for both of you.

Serenity

Hey, something you said rang a bell.  My husband always tells me that I get...aw heck, forget delicacy...tighter the more aroused I get.  I googled it and read that it has to do with vaginal tissues swelling and engorging.  Could part of the problem be that she's not getting aroused enough?

Needyhusband said:

In all honesty we have had relationship problems for a while that had really hurt her passion and desire.  So when we would have sex she would not want foreplay but wanted to go straight to P/V play. 

Dido

Has she discussed the stress incontinence with you?

Serenity

Ok @Jacquie, you are a fount of information. Now that you've bared your soul about ah ...other private things... please educate me about products designed to tighten things up. lol  Any suggestions?