It's been a week since I reached the breaking point and posted this, and later my triage, and I'm amazed a the difference this week made and how little actual effort it took.
Following your advice, I read NMMNG and it's like it was written specifically for me. During the week I started changing the way I think and behave, and holy s**t, what a difference. Only now I understand the red pill thing. I'm starting to see the matrix!
So I took the red pill and finally understood that I will be happy and I will have a fulfilling sex life no matter what - with my wife if it works, with someone else if the relationship doesn't improve. But this took an enormous amount of pressure off my shoulders. I'm not having sex anyway, so do I care whether she's momentarily angry at me? No. I started reclaiming my integrity back - do the things I want to do because I want to do them. Started paying attention at covert contracts. Stopped begging.
Nothing happened at first, but on Thursday I started seeing some signs: she started becoming more physical towards me. Where previously I had to ask/beg for a kiss and a hug, she started initiating more.
On Friday during breakfast she was talking about some mild annoyance at her workplace that has being going on for weeks. I always listened to the same story patiently and helpfully offered the same advice every time. Not this time. As soon as she paused for a breath, I abruptly changed the topic to, of all things, the weather. We talked for a while and the called me up on it - "I was talking about something important and you started talking about the weather". So I found myself replying "We've talked about this exact same thing a million times, has something changed? Is something different now?". She shut up and we barely talked for the rest of breakfast. Normally I'd feel anxious at this situation and asked her to tell me about the issue after a few minutes, but this time I just didn't care. And what happened? She went back to normal! HOLY SH*T I SET A BOUNDARY!
On Friday night, we watched an episodes of a series in bed, as we usually do (TV in the bedroom is the devil - guess who insisted to put it there). "We" had to wake up relatively early on Saturday because she was going to the doctor's (routine check). She insisted in watching a second episode, which would mean I'd have to sleep less to wake up in time for breakfast (and I hate sleeping less). At first I refused, but she insisted so much I ended up accepting. A partial defeat? Sure, but I just cancelled my alarm clock, didn't wake up with her, didn't have breakfast with her. Sort of a win!
As soon as she was on the way to her doctor and I was having breakfast at home, she texted me - "can you research this for me?". There was no reason to ask me; she had a 1 hour train ride and pretty good 3G, so... I recognized this as a shit test but still answered "sure" with the intention of ignoring the request, but I later realized it was passive/aggressive. So I just ignored it and when she came back and asked, I told her "no, I didn't search, was something wrong with your 3G?"
Later that day I planned an evening out - movie and dinner. I basically picked the movie (we both wanted to watch it), the theater and the time, what restaurant, and how to get there. He protested mildly throughout all of this, to the point of complaining "
we're doing everything the way you want!", which was kind of the point
She put her best pissed off face, she huffed and puffed, and kept this act for half an hour after we left home, while I forced myself to ignore her - and once again, after a while her mood magically improved and we had a very pleasant evening out.
(continued)
Comments
Love it! This will all get quoted back at you in the future if you backslide.
Small steps initially are a great way to start, the main thing is that you keep up the momentum. You might find yourself going through some unusual internal struggles as you keep moving forward, which from what I've seen in myself and others seems to be par for the course.
Writing is a great idea too, to keep yourself focused and accountable, whether here, in a journal (er, captain's log) or a combination of the two.
We drive brand new cars and we light fine cigars,
We shine like small town stars through the best days of our lives,Hold on before you see, that you’re better off without me,