You have found an archive of the MMSL Forum, which shut down on December 27, 2016. You can continue these discussions on this forum
So I recently found this subreddit The Red Pill and was then directed here. We are in our late 20's early 30's been married for over 3 years now. We've known each other since before high school but began dating during college. She comes from a strict Conservative Catholic family and was very very reserved about sex when we got together. We have no children yet but both have agreed we would like to. Currently we disagree about when, I'm ready to have kids now but she wants to wait another year because of her career.
Rule Out Medical
I have no real medical issues to speak of. As a kid I was diagnosed with ADD and took medication for that until I was about 20 years old at which point I stopped taking it. My wife is not currently taking any kind of medication that I know of. She has never taken birth control of any kind because of her religious beliefs. As far as I know she has never had an issue with orgasms. There was a point when we first started having sex that she was faking them and I got her to be honest with me about it. Since then she is always honest about when she does and doesn’t orgasm. She almost always has an orgasm as long as I take my time. A about a year or so ago she started complaining that sex was painful and started having irregular periods. She saw a doctor and was told that there was nothing physically wrong with her and to try different positions to try to alleviate the pain. Since then we’ve noticed that using lube and going slow at first seem to be helping.
Physically speaking I’m no Brad Pitt. I’m Italian by heritage which means I’m pretty hairy. The wife has never said that she found that unattractive about me but I’m not dumb I know that hairiness is a turnoff for most women. Also I’ve struggled with my weight almost my whole life. Loosing and gaining weight. At my heaviest I was about 260 lbs. Currently though I’m at about 225 lbs at 6’ feet tall due to eating properly and stating CrossFit just over a year ago. I’ve added a good amount of muscle and dropped about 10% body fat. I’m probably in the best shape of my life right now. I could still stand to loose a few pounds (10-15 I would say) I don’t have a six pack of anything. My wife however has always been gorgeous for as long as I’ve known her. She even lost weight after high school, who does that? She’s about 5’7 125. We both go to CrossFit together and enjoy it which is great but it hasn’t really increased our sex life yet. Other than the physical stuff we both have decent jobs, no children yet. We have some debt student loans and house but no credit card or car debt. We don’t have a lot in savings like most people we tend to spend and not save.
As far as I know there are no real screw ups on my part in our relationship. We’ve had some pretty heated fights. She’s Mexican and has a pretty hot temper sometimes but I’ve never put my hands on her. No cheating as far as I know on either part and no public humiliation that I would say. Also probably the longest we’ve gone without speaking after a fight is a couple of days at most. I don’t play video games anymore, don’t spend long hours at work either and neither of us travel for work.
As far as I know she is not stepping outside of our marriage. She’s given no indication of that ever so I have no reason to think that. Having said that I’m not with her 24/7 and I haven’t gone through her texts and emails so I obviously can’t know 100% but I’m 99.9% sure she’s not cheating on me. Also she’s pretty against porn again the whole Catholic thing so I doubt that’s the case either.
I’m gonna skip this question and lump it in with #6. Since we've only been married three years and they pretty much go together.
Comments
Question Six – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?
When we first got together there was a pretty strong attraction I would say on both sides. We did a lot of making out and heavy petting that lead to sex on a few occasions. This is a tough one because of our religious beliefs we tried our best not to have sex before marriage. Obviously we did end up having sex during our dating phase but it only happened a few times and was usually followed by a promise not to do it again. After we got married things didn’t change much even though we were married she wasn’t jumping on me and tearing my clothes off like I was hoping she would now that the whole chastity thing had been removed. Also we don’t use birth control because of the whole catholic deal, sex is off limits about 2 weeks of every month during which period we pretty much don’t touch each other for sexual reasons. She’s not big on giving BJ’s no surprise there. She’s not completely opposed to it and does it on occasion but it’s not her favorite thing to do and I usually have to beg. She’s not a total prude in bed I usually do most of the leading and she doesn’t mind trying different positions but other than that she’s not very adventurous and obviously anal is out of the question. Other than that we might have sex once or twice a month on average and have gone bouts of up to 3 months with no sex at all.
Question Seven – What’s the Elephant in the Room?
The obvious Elephant that most men deal with is also my biggest issue, porn. I’ve been using porn since before I was even mature enough to understand it and how to use it. As a teenager and even into my early twenties I used it obsessively sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. Currently I average maybe 3 or 4 times a week. I’ve tried stopping on my own before but have always gone back to it. I would definitely say there is an issue with that and I know it affects my drive to have sex with my wife when it’s so much easier to just use porn. The other thing I should mention is that I’m a recovering Alcoholic. I go to meetings and have been sober just over 11 years. I was sober for a couple of years before we got together so my drinking never occurred during or time together. Not sure how that affects our sexually relationship but figured I should mention it anyway.
Question Eight – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?
Not sure how to answer this one. I guess when it comes to having sex I’m definitely the leader. But in all other areas I’d have to say it’s pretty back and forth. We generally fight for control of decisions or we go back and forth depending on the situation.
Question Nine – Tell Us About the Good Times
This is a hard question for me to answer because we’ve only been married three years. There has never really been a time when we were all over each other having sex all the time. Other than that we really get along pretty well most of the time. We have our arguments and fights but no more than most couples I think. I guess right now things are pretty good outside of our sex issues.
Given your strict religious beliefs, it's difficult to give you advice. But from you weight loss and sobriety it appears you are heading in the right direction.
Wish I could help you but strict religion, in your household, might impede your progress.
Good luck
You came to the right place
I grew up a strict "Eastern Euro" Catholic. I do understand where you are coming from.
I am going to start with some of the best threads on Porn use that might be interesting to you:
Captains' Discussion. Effects of Porn Overuse / Addiction
Advice Thread for FO's Dealing with Porn Addicted Husbands
How to Calibrate Porn Use
If AA worked for you in the past, you might consider looking up a porn-related 12-step program.
On the matter of blowjobs, I recommend against begging. Knock that off and start working on other ways of building attraction. She knows what you want, and when you are so hot that she is worried about you being poached, she'll be sure to give it to you.
The best way to accomplish that, I suspect, is to just start being decisive. Whenever a decision comes up, have a plan. Tell her what you want, and give her a chance to object - then do it. Make sure to ahve plans to present her.
I am noting a fair dose of negative self-talk here. I am going to suggest you challenge yourself to see how long you can go without saying anything bad about yourself. It will make a difference.
As for hairiness - that is a matter of taste, just like how some men like 'em buxom and some guys go for an athletic build. If she married you, I suspect she likes the hair.
All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.
Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project
My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship
@texascfguy, Howdy! Yeah, I can really relate to your post and the challenge of NFP. We practiced NFP for about 13 years or so. Well, I say "practiced," but we were never able to achieve the ideal, namely, NO sexual contact during fertile times. We usually had hot super-hot no-PIV sessions during those times. It was and still is the only time of the month that my wife is what I would super sexual. When we were young, she would sometimes orgasm during her non-fertile times, but as we got older she wouldn't; her cycle then went crazy wherein she was "fertile" for about 13 days, which left us about 8 days or so for intercourse (subtracting her period), and on most of those days she just wasn't too interested. Your story shows one of the common problems with NFP -- the abstaining from intercourse for noble reasons often leads to greater sins. In both our cases (yours and mine, that is), these were porn, masturbation, and maybe other things neither of us would want to mention. It got to where, from my perspective, adultery and / or divorce was where this was heading, as I was becoming very frustrated. After her best friend had a fifth pregnancy at age 40, my wife walked in one day and (I'll never forget it), said, "Let's talk about life." Since then, we've halfheartedly agreed to use condoms during the fertile times. We have been generous bringing life into the world (four kids) and, personally, I don't feel guilty about it.
My main argument against strict NFP is its assumption that, "by its very nature, contraceptive sex is divisive for a couple" (paraphrasing Humanae Vitae ). But, in my experience, nothing is more divisive than sexual problems in marriage, AND "by nature" (ie scientifically speaking), sex is extremely unitive as you have a release of bonding neurochemicals (esp. oxytocin), even with a condom on! I suppose the main reason Catholics use NFP is, well, because we're "supposed to" and we feel guilty / look bad if we do. I'm sure if I asked my wife, she'd say she does feel some guilt about the whole thing. Still, in the "top 5 reasons" Catholics oppose contraception, #1,2,3 and maybe 4 would be that chemical contraceptives and IUDs at least sometimes work as abortifacients. That's what causes the Bishops to vehemently oppose contraceptives in insurance policies. It's certainly not because they want to increase the population of the world or feel passionate about the divisive effects of condoms or withdrawal or vasectomy. So, in the "hierarchy of evil," in my judgment / conscience, condoms during fertile times are pretty far down there.
I'm certainly not trying to discourage you from NFP. It was actually pretty helpful for us, even though admittedly we never were really strict about it. growinafamily's 12-15 times a month is certainly NOT in the norm, though more power to her. My wife's main thinking on it has always been the pro-life embryo thing, and I definitely respect that.
But, wow, with the porn and all and the low frequency, I'd see how you are in a bit of a quandry. I didn't catch whether you're actually trying to get pregnant right now, which of course changes the whole ball game. Three years into marriage with no kids, and most Catholics strict enough to use NFP should, well, not be using NFP at this point, if you know what I mean. The purpose is to delay pregnancy, not avoid it altogether (again, that would generally be considered yet another sin of selfishness!!).
For love and faith and sex and fear, and all the things that keep us here, in the mysterious distance between a man and a woman. U2
Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. Mike Tyson
I forgot...concerning the porn. The only thing that ever helped me was sabotaging myself and making it real hard to enjoy porn the way I liked (I enjoyed youporn with my ipad on my bed). There are actually several really good products that can make it nearly impossible to enjoy good porn via the internet over your wifi (hey, that's a start). You can also surely block it from your phone, and you likely don't use it at work. The only trick is making sure the password is not accessible to you (if you don't want to have your wife suspicious that you're giving her a secret password, make a crazy one you could never possibly remember (X275CC3u545), type it out, and tape it under a desk somewhere that's nowhere near your house, or give it to your parish priest!). Using sure willpower against porn when you're sexually frustrated borders on the improbable. I'm sure you'd agree that quitting drinking is actually easier in many ways.
By the way, does your wife know about the porn and masturbation? Mine has never asked me, but I'm sure she wouldn't be shocked. Don't ask, don't tell.
For love and faith and sex and fear, and all the things that keep us here, in the mysterious distance between a man and a woman. U2
Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. Mike Tyson