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  • growingafamilygrowingafamily chicagoSilver Member Posts: 1,841
    I would venture to say the once-or-less a month sex might also have something to do with not getting pregnant. Don't jump straight to potentially infetile.. The app might get them pregnant once they are trying, since they are (effectively) using a very conservative fertile window to avoid.
  • texascfguytexascfguy TexasSilver Member Posts: 390
    @growingafamily you are 100% correct. We haven't been following NFP at all. Just counting the days after her period ends and not having sex. Works pretty good for not getting pregnant. I don't remember anything about that class. Thanks @theedge for the refresher. I think we are going to look into taking it again so that we are both on the same page.
  • TheEdgeTheEdge FloridaMember Posts: 166
    @texascfguy ; I guess I still don't understand this -- do you guys ever just "mess around" without PIV (oral, manual stimulation)?  It doesn't seem like either of you is opposed to that on the face of things, but it doesn't seem like you ever do that.  What's the deal?

    For love and faith and sex and fear, and all the things that keep us here, in the mysterious distance between a man and a woman.  U2 

    Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.  Mike Tyson

  • texascfguytexascfguy TexasSilver Member Posts: 390
    @theedge that's pretty much the case. She isn't opposed to doing other things we just don't do them very often. Obviously the issue isn't with her opposition to sex and other sexual activities. It's my issue of not stepping up and initiating it and using porn because it's just easier. As of right now she doesn't seem to have the same drive that I do have sex but maybe that will change. 

    I sat her down last night and told her the I wanted her to pick a date in the next year for when we could start trying to get pregnant, that I wanted to get on the same page with her about her cycle and suggested that we take another NFP class. I also told her that sex once a month wasn't gonna work for me. I explained to her that I would start initiating it more and that I wanted her to be receptive to it. I let her know also that no contact during her fertile period wasn't gonna work either that there was things that we could do together that didn't include sex. She agreed and said that she would pick a date and be receptive to me when I initiated. Then we had a nice little 69 session. All in all I think the talk went pretty well.
    TigerAngeline
  • BearinthetreesBearinthetrees Silver Member Posts: 88
    texascfguy said:
    So I tried initiating sex last night 

    She immediately started trying to weasel out of it. Saying that she was still fertile and that she didn't want to get pregnant.

    This is where you should have pointed out that sucking does not make one "with child"...
    She then told me that she wouldn't do anything until I got her phone and brought it to her so she could check her fertility app.

    Shit test.
    I told her I would get it if she promised that it wouldn't change anything that we were still going to have sex that night.

    Contract...
    So I went and got the phone

    Fail shit test...
    and she checked that app and of course she found that she was still fertile.

    Typical ending to contract...
    Then came the I can't get pregnant right now I don't wanna loose my job crap.

    Whining hamster...
    By this time I'd lost all drive and decided to cut my losses. I got up and said fine, let me know when your ready and I went to watch tv before bed.

    OI if any was screwed with the contract, now it just looks like moping...
    Inside I wasn't too happy though. I now I'm new to all this and need to be patient but it's still frustrating.


    You should be unhappy, you have traded your "product" commitment for little to no return payment of "currency" that is unfortunate "male slutty behavior"...

    Cost benefit analysis time...
    She seems to change her mind with the wind.
    You expected anything else? Emotional receptive wiring, learn you cannot judge by your male standards as the wiring is different.
    SaigoTakamori
  • TigerTiger SeattleCategory Moderator* Posts: 2,324
    texascfguy said:
    @theedge that's pretty much the case. She isn't opposed to doing other things we just don't do them very often. Obviously the issue isn't with her opposition to sex and other sexual activities. It's my issue of not stepping up and initiating it and using porn because it's just easier. As of right now she doesn't seem to have the same drive that I do have sex but maybe that will change. 

    I sat her down last night and told her the I wanted her to pick a date in the next year for when we could start trying to get pregnant, that I wanted to get on the same page with her about her cycle and suggested that we take another NFP class. I also told her that sex once a month wasn't gonna work for me. I explained to her that I would start initiating it more and that I wanted her to be receptive to it. I let her know also that no contact during her fertile period wasn't gonna work either that there was things that we could do together that didn't include sex. She agreed and said that she would pick a date and be receptive to me when I initiated. Then we had a nice little 69 session. All in all I think the talk went pretty well.
    I will reiterate my point that you have no idea what her sex drive is.  It is common for a woman to have reactive desire.  It sounds like your wife is exactly like this.  She is willing to follow your sexual lead and her current low desire for sex is in direct response to your lack of initiations.

    A big part of your MAP needs to be not presenting a version of yourself that is an accurate reflection of your actual wants and desires.  She might be happy to meet those, or she might not, but you need to respect her enough to give her that choice and accept that part of life is dealing with conflicting desires.  You cannot and should not try to shield her from the reality that the two of you may have different sexual needs and tastes.

    This notion of you collecting her wants and then simply modifying your behavior to meet those without expressing that your wants are different is classic "Nice Guy" behavior and is not healthy.
    ScarletAngeline
  • texascfguytexascfguy TexasSilver Member Posts: 390
    Tiger said:
    texascfguy said:
    @theedge that's pretty much the case. She isn't opposed to doing other things we just don't do them very often. Obviously the issue isn't with her opposition to sex and other sexual activities. It's my issue of not stepping up and initiating it and using porn because it's just easier. As of right now she doesn't seem to have the same drive that I do have sex but maybe that will change. 

    I sat her down last night and told her the I wanted her to pick a date in the next year for when we could start trying to get pregnant, that I wanted to get on the same page with her about her cycle and suggested that we take another NFP class. I also told her that sex once a month wasn't gonna work for me. I explained to her that I would start initiating it more and that I wanted her to be receptive to it. I let her know also that no contact during her fertile period wasn't gonna work either that there was things that we could do together that didn't include sex. She agreed and said that she would pick a date and be receptive to me when I initiated. Then we had a nice little 69 session. All in all I think the talk went pretty well.
    I will reiterate my point that you have no idea what her sex drive is.  It is common for a woman to have reactive desire.  It sounds like your wife is exactly like this.  She is willing to follow your sexual lead and her current low desire for sex is in direct response to your lack of initiations.



    @tiger You are right I have know idea what I'm doing. We were both virgins when we started dating. So neither one of us knew what we wanted out of a sex life. I've been using porn addictively for more than 15 years and it has really screwed with the way I see sex. I don't know what she wants either and decided that I could at least let her know where I was at with the current situation instead of just changing my behavior without reason. 

    A big part of your MAP needs to be not presenting a version of yourself that is an accurate reflection of your actual wants and desires.  She might be happy to meet those, or she might not, but you need to respect her enough to give her that choice and accept that part of life is dealing with conflicting desires.  You cannot and should not try to shield her from the reality that the two of you may have different sexual needs and tastes.

    I assume you meant A big part of your MAP needs to be not presenting a version of yourself that is an accurate reflection of your actual wants and desires. ?

    If so that's a pretty scary thing to think about seeing as I've never done this before I have no idea how to go about doing that.
  • TigerTiger SeattleCategory Moderator* Posts: 2,324
    Yea, sorry for the typo.

    It is scary, but consider how much happier you will be if you can simply be who you are rather than trying to be what you believe others want you to be.  Athol devotes a section to this in the MAP book.

    Chapter 7 Personality and Preferences: Red - Stop Nerfing Your Personality

    I'm sensitive to this as well because this is something that I'm also working to improve in my life.

    Part of this process for me has been to be willing to tell my wife things that I believe will upset her but that are none the less true.  It is not fair to hide the fact that I want more sex because I believe she doesn't want more sex and then be unhappy because I'm not getting enough sex to satisfy my needs.  By doing that I don't give her the option of satisfying my needs.  It is true that I want more sex than she does, but now we both understand the issue and both are working to find a balance that works for us.  She now is a part of the process.

    Another tangential example is that I used to believe that what she chose to wear was her choice and that I should appreciate how she looks no matter what.  Now I'm becoming more verbose and expressing my desire to see her wear more clothes that show her figure.  Yoga pants, dresses and sexier lingerie.  She is my woman and I want her to spend more time looking like a girl :)  She still wears pants a bunch and that is her comfort area, but now she knows my wants and can take those into consideration.  She does not always do what I want, but ya know what, now that she knows what I want it happens a lot more often.

    Be yourself, be confident in who you are.  There is nothing wrong with expressing your desires and it's fine for others to disagree with you.  But a strong confident man is much more attractive than one who is just another face in the crowd and who makes no waves.


    Angeline
  • TheEdgeTheEdge FloridaMember Posts: 166
    @texascfguy ; Good job.  That sounds like a major step forward.  Again, in your situation, talking things out and sort of "rebooting" the sexual relationship is exactly what you needed to do.  From now on, I'd do less talking and more doing.  Like I said in your initial post, your problems are totally and easily fixable, and it sounds like you're on the right path.  You do need some "sexual healing" as Marvin Gaye might say, due primarily to the porn saturation.  Since you don't have any kids around yet (lucky you), the sky's the limit in terms of date nights, trips away, time of day, etc...  Channel the romantic Italian in you. 

    For love and faith and sex and fear, and all the things that keep us here, in the mysterious distance between a man and a woman.  U2 

    Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.  Mike Tyson

  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaGold Men Posts: 2,410
    Yeah, asking if she's ready isn't really going to make her panties wet lol. :)
    Insert witty, insightful signature here.
    [Deleted User]
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,358
    I think you'll find this thread helpful in terms of understanding some of the things you can do to spark your wife's sexual response to you.

    texascfguy
  • WillThisWorkWillThisWork North Carolina Silver Member Posts: 98
    I didn't read this thread in full yet.  I will continue momentarily, but I had to stop and comment immediately after reading "hairiness is a turnoff for most women."  Where did you get that idea?!?!?  HairLESSness is a turn off for me.. so girly... 
    Scarlet[Deleted User]texascfguy
  • texascfguytexascfguy TexasSilver Member Posts: 390
    Lol @willthiswork it's good to know there's a few women out there that like the man bear's. We are a rare breed.
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