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Comments
“She was 3/4 perfection and 1/4 broken glass.”
Ugh. Not posted since March and had managed to kick the daily habit of reading and posting. However the cycle of our marriage has reasserted itself and Mrs F is back in sullen resentful mode. It's not that she refuses sex all the time - just when she does submit to sex she does it in a sulky passive way, lying in bed completely limp, not moving barely even responding to my attempts at initiation. I think she is doing it on purpose because I usually then quit - she seems to revel in making herself as unattractive as possible, and then acting surprised when I am not crazy with lust for her. "You wanted sex now you can't get it up" is her favourite comment.
We had a good phase for a while - but I lost some impetus when my own sex drive dropped and let up on my focussed MAP. Right back to stage one. Ugh.
I don't really feel like she is ever really going to change. When I put the pressure on she responds for a while and then backs off. I am going to have to go all the way to divorcing this dumb stubborn woman to get my life back on track.
Did your drive drop because of the way she was doing star fish or her nasty comments? Regardless, you have got to MAP for yourself, not for sex with your wife. In addition, divorce won't help you...if you're the same old person you'll have the same issues next time. Get back on the MAP wagon with us.
You admit you fell down on the job in your MAP, but you are upset with her for not maintaining the changes that resulted from your MAP.
Spock is not pleased with your logic. Stop blaming other people for your own shortcomings. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. But you are falling back into your old toxic passive-aggressive habits. This is your mountain to climb. Arrest this descent, and then start climbing again. Just do it.
Alright. I hear you. Thanks guys. Back on track.
Seems that she realised she had pushed things too far because she was quite apologetic the day after. Physically the MAP is still going good, so at least that is a plus. It's the DHV and maintaining frame aspects that still present more of a challenge.
Just checking in - still thinking about the MAP and working on my marriage. About seven months in. Re-reading the primer at the moment - still makes me chuckle.
Wife is still unhappy about the changes but I am keeping to the course for the most part. She alternates between horny bitch whore on her ovulation days and sulky sour faced entitled passive aggressive misery princess the rest of the time. She happily opens her legs when she is on heat, the rest of the time she pulls faces, rolls her eyes or even tries to cry whenever I make advances.
On the map front
My current monkeys
Always appreciate the feedback from people on here.
Have recently called out wife for ignoring of messages. Over the course of 8 days I sent her 6 message with midly flirty content. She replies not once. When questioned she says it's because she is too busy, has not checked her phone or realised that she has messages. I know this is bullshit because I can see from her messages that she has replied to messages from friends during the same period. When this is put to her she does not reply.
However when I confront her behaviour she goes even more passive aggressive and replies with short sulky messages like "Thank you for your text."
Then last night a family pet dies. I am out. She does not even msg me to let me know. When I suggest she could have maybe let me know she says "Would you even have answered it during your game?" - well she didn't even give me a chance did she? She and the kids bury the pet in the garden before I even get home.
It is unreasonable of me to expect her to reply occasionally to my messages?
That sounds to me like it's about control. She's telling you that you're not important...she doesn't need you, she captained the pet death on her own.
My gut reaction is you need to explain to her (in your frame, which means calmly but succinctly) that her behavior was unacceptable. That situation is part of parenting; part of being a family. If she wants to act like a single mom, well..."You've given me a lot to think about".
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
Yes. We just had that discussion. It ended up with her giving a half-hearted insincere apology. I called her on this too and said it did not sound like she meant it. She agreed - she was not sorry at all that she excluded me from the pet funeral. It blew up into a full scale row.
Flirt with your wife because you want to flirt with your wife. It doesn't matter if she responds, and getting pissy with her and calling her out when she doesn't respond, makes her want to respond even less.
I'm sorry about the pet thing. She should have told you. After it happened, though, it can't be fixed. What did you really want from her? You have this habit of rubbing her nose in every perceived offense, so of course she's going to push back.
@Mongrel I think you're right. Since I started mapping she has responded by acting like a single parent.
@Scarlet yes fair points. I don't know what I wanted. Maybe to be honest with me about why she did not let me know. Her defence "I didn't think you cared and what would you have done anyway?" well she never gave me the chance did she.
Well, have you done anything that gave her the Impression you did not care about the pet? What kind of pet was it?
A hamster? Seriously? Dude, it is NOT attractive to get all butt-hurt over the burial of a hamster you never touched. You have a pattern of expecting her to cater to your emotional hypersensitivity. She has to walk on eggshells with you and that is, in fact, a red flag for emotional abuse.
If your wife buried her HAMSTER and didn't let you attend you should be butt hurt. Other than that, carry on.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Lol I think THAT hamster is still very much live and well. I will be more than happy when that little fucker turns up it's toes.
Just been on a weekend away from home with some old friends. One of my married friends was lamenting the state of their sex life. Currently going at a rate of once a quarter in their marriage apparently. Jesus.
OK I am 7 months into this process. I have made a load of mistakes along the way and continue to do so. But still better to be trying to improve things than settle I think. I have made great improvements in some areas and yes I would have to admit that in others there have been backwards steps. It's not a steady progression. Adding more alpha without being an asshole is not always easy.
@CyrilFiggis -- I'm 9 or so months in and it is a process. Something that has helped me is to list the changes I have accomplished since starting my MAP.
Learn from your mistakes.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl