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A Triage and a plea from a husband to be.
dubleyuteaeff
East CoastMember Posts: 75
Im posting this because I feel like I really need some help in this area. My fiancé says I am pushing her away, she says I am needy, insecure and need to get out of her ass and give her some head space.
She is right, I am very needy and insecure, I am a total beta. I’ve read NMMNG and the Primer, waiting to afford the MAP. We’re both 29.
When we first got together she was all over me, would feed me compliments constantly telling me awesome I was, wanted to be close, initiate all sorts of affection and basically be totally up my butt. In the past year the tables have completely turned. I am now been reduced to a total beta, I know its my fault, I was raised a people pleaser, and am very non confrontational. Right now I get sex about once a week now, and its usually because I’ve had to “work” to get all the stars to perfectly align, when we do DO IT, its passionate and awesome, but I feel like its dwindling and I am on a total collision course with the ILYBINILWY. Please help me save my marriage, or my self, before I take the plunge. I don’t even really care about the sex that much, I want more of it sure, but really I just want more of her, I want her to dote me, be interested in me, compliment me, open up to me, I want to feel CONNECTED again.
I am the sole bread winner, I do a lot of house work, laundry, dishes, and LOTS of cooking, my mom raised me to think if I was a good man, and treated my lady right, we’d be happily ever after. I think she was right, but didn’t fill me in totally on how to “treat a lady” right.
A while ago, during a good conversation about her lack of sex drive she told me “I really want to be more interested in sex… I'm just not" I took it as "just not with you"
So here’s the TRIAGE...
Rule out medical...
Overall we are in average health, we smoke , drink coffee, never really exercise.
Her BC is a non-hormonal IUD, she says it makes the cycle symptoms start earlier and last longer.
I am a frequent marijuana user, daily, she seemed to not mind it at first, but it seems to irk her occasionally these days. I've been diagnosed with ADD a few years ago but I don't take anything specifically for that. That was before starting the smoke.
Structural - She has a 5 year old Boy from her previous relationship, he lives with us, I love him. When we got together, I was in a high paying job. Renting a nice place and preparing to buy a home. Although I was doing well, I worked for my brother and didn't like how he treated his company or me, she encouraged and supported me in starting my own company doing pretty much the same job(real estate), but under my own terms.
Before I took that plunge, we got engaged, and she moved in! Crazy life upheaval for both of us In a matter of 2months. Anyway I told her it was going to be tight for a while, and boy it has been. But we still have my place, and life is pretty stable. And I'm starting to earn more consistently to get back on our life track. But it's been a rough year
She also lost a very good, close friend and mentor of 13 years in late October and was absolutely devastated. She seems to be doing ok now but still misses him.(no suspicion from me) He was 70, very wise incredible dude, I miss him as well.
Critical moments -
I think I have directly pinpointed the critical moment where sex started dwindling.
Before I got with her, I had a roommate. He had come to me and asked if he could move his gf into the house, I respectfully declined based on it being a small house, not wanting to share the limited space we already had and knowing his relationships generally turn into a 24/7 argument.
He moved her in a few weeks later anyway. I told my roommate I wanted to take back over the house(I lived there first alone) and ask him to find alternate arrangements. He said he would look for places. Was supposed to be gone before December started, but kept coming up with excuses, my girl got heated one day when she was there, all 4 of us blew up, and she felt I failed to back her up, and let my friend make me a "bitch" basically. Nothing physical happened but a lot of arguing and accusations. They moved out a week later. She moved in two months later and we got engaged.
WDTSGB - I'm glad I'm early enough in the relationship to pinpoint this, I remember it was almost exactly within a weekend or two after my roommate slid the girl into my house. I'm convinced that this has sent us into a downward spiral that still lingers today.
Sex before - I'll use engagement and moving in as the before time. Sex was great, I could get it on demand, she would initiate semi often, I could get it daily or more. Good communication and it was hot. Not much has changed besides freq, I'd say just the tiniest amount of passion is missing these days, were definitely still in love, and occasionally have a tremendous amount of passionate and blissfull moments. I love her, and I want us to have the best relationship possible for as long as possible.
Elephant - Basically what I stated earlier, I am total beta, I feel like I have almost no alpha in me. I know she is attracted to manly men, lumberjacks, beastly dudes, she said the cave-man stuff really gets her "going". She's also previously told me I'm like a big hunky beast with an incredible soft side, and she loved that.
She is right, I am very needy and insecure, I am a total beta. I’ve read NMMNG and the Primer, waiting to afford the MAP. We’re both 29.
When we first got together she was all over me, would feed me compliments constantly telling me awesome I was, wanted to be close, initiate all sorts of affection and basically be totally up my butt. In the past year the tables have completely turned. I am now been reduced to a total beta, I know its my fault, I was raised a people pleaser, and am very non confrontational. Right now I get sex about once a week now, and its usually because I’ve had to “work” to get all the stars to perfectly align, when we do DO IT, its passionate and awesome, but I feel like its dwindling and I am on a total collision course with the ILYBINILWY. Please help me save my marriage, or my self, before I take the plunge. I don’t even really care about the sex that much, I want more of it sure, but really I just want more of her, I want her to dote me, be interested in me, compliment me, open up to me, I want to feel CONNECTED again.
I am the sole bread winner, I do a lot of house work, laundry, dishes, and LOTS of cooking, my mom raised me to think if I was a good man, and treated my lady right, we’d be happily ever after. I think she was right, but didn’t fill me in totally on how to “treat a lady” right.
A while ago, during a good conversation about her lack of sex drive she told me “I really want to be more interested in sex… I'm just not" I took it as "just not with you"
So here’s the TRIAGE...
Rule out medical...
Overall we are in average health, we smoke , drink coffee, never really exercise.
Her BC is a non-hormonal IUD, she says it makes the cycle symptoms start earlier and last longer.
I am a frequent marijuana user, daily, she seemed to not mind it at first, but it seems to irk her occasionally these days. I've been diagnosed with ADD a few years ago but I don't take anything specifically for that. That was before starting the smoke.
Structural - She has a 5 year old Boy from her previous relationship, he lives with us, I love him. When we got together, I was in a high paying job. Renting a nice place and preparing to buy a home. Although I was doing well, I worked for my brother and didn't like how he treated his company or me, she encouraged and supported me in starting my own company doing pretty much the same job(real estate), but under my own terms.
Before I took that plunge, we got engaged, and she moved in! Crazy life upheaval for both of us In a matter of 2months. Anyway I told her it was going to be tight for a while, and boy it has been. But we still have my place, and life is pretty stable. And I'm starting to earn more consistently to get back on our life track. But it's been a rough year
She also lost a very good, close friend and mentor of 13 years in late October and was absolutely devastated. She seems to be doing ok now but still misses him.(no suspicion from me) He was 70, very wise incredible dude, I miss him as well.
Critical moments -
I think I have directly pinpointed the critical moment where sex started dwindling.
Before I got with her, I had a roommate. He had come to me and asked if he could move his gf into the house, I respectfully declined based on it being a small house, not wanting to share the limited space we already had and knowing his relationships generally turn into a 24/7 argument.
He moved her in a few weeks later anyway. I told my roommate I wanted to take back over the house(I lived there first alone) and ask him to find alternate arrangements. He said he would look for places. Was supposed to be gone before December started, but kept coming up with excuses, my girl got heated one day when she was there, all 4 of us blew up, and she felt I failed to back her up, and let my friend make me a "bitch" basically. Nothing physical happened but a lot of arguing and accusations. They moved out a week later. She moved in two months later and we got engaged.
WDTSGB - I'm glad I'm early enough in the relationship to pinpoint this, I remember it was almost exactly within a weekend or two after my roommate slid the girl into my house. I'm convinced that this has sent us into a downward spiral that still lingers today.
Sex before - I'll use engagement and moving in as the before time. Sex was great, I could get it on demand, she would initiate semi often, I could get it daily or more. Good communication and it was hot. Not much has changed besides freq, I'd say just the tiniest amount of passion is missing these days, were definitely still in love, and occasionally have a tremendous amount of passionate and blissfull moments. I love her, and I want us to have the best relationship possible for as long as possible.
Elephant - Basically what I stated earlier, I am total beta, I feel like I have almost no alpha in me. I know she is attracted to manly men, lumberjacks, beastly dudes, she said the cave-man stuff really gets her "going". She's also previously told me I'm like a big hunky beast with an incredible soft side, and she loved that.
Tagged:
My Triage for reference.
0
Comments
Leader- I didn't think about it until now, but it's her, totally, she's always deciding what we’ll do on the weekend, or coming up with our plans or deciding and delegating important tasks around the house.
Other men - highly, highly doubtful. she's always home, we're together all the time, she hasn't had any real opportunity to cheat, doesn't really have any close male friends, or many friends at all for that matter.
Good times - when we first got together it was like we were both absolutely high on each other, we would talk or text for hours, days even, makeout constantly, always needing to touch each other, it was bliss, we absolutely couldn't take our eyes, hands or thoughts of each other. We have samples of this occasionally these days but nowhere near where it was before.
And so if you haven't guessed, I feel I am very beta. I was raised surrounded by women, I was the only child to a single mother with 3 sisters and a mother who loved and doted me. No dad at all until we moved into my stepdads when i was 11. He was a great man and all but never had kids of his own, and I don’t think he knew how to raise a boy.
I understand there are things like shit tests and fitness tests, and alpha behaviors and beta behaviors. But it really have a hard time noticing the nuances consistently.
You're lucky. There are some very simple steps you can take right away that will improve your life immediately.
1) You stop smoking marijuana. Smoking weed wastes money and supresses your drive and ambition. With this one step, you have decreased your expenditures and increased your ability to hustle in your new business. Plus, your SO has already indicated it's a DLV (display of low value) for her. This stops some of the bleeding of her attraction away from you.
2) I am translating "big hunky beast" to mean you're carrying some extra amount of weight. Cut in half the amount of wheat (bread, pasta, etc) you consume, cut out snacks. Start lifting weights. At the very least, start body weight exercises such as push-ups, pull-ups, squats, etc. You need to lose your layer of fat and build your muscles. You're lucky that you're a man; this can happen fairly rapidly if you put your mind to it. This will immediately make you feel better about yourself and will eventually connect with her lizard brain where sexy impulses reside.
3) She is a a stay at home mom. Except you're not even married and it's not your son. You should not be doing most or even a lot of the cooking, cleaning, etc. She needs to earn her keep. You are creating a monster, and it's nobody's fault but your own. Don't let this happen. People will do just as much as you make them. And they will take advantage of you just as much as you let them. You are the problem here. Start a chore chart. Include in this chart everything, including yardwork, car upkeep, taking the trash out, house repair, etc. Then take all those jobs, so it is obvious to her that you are doing a fair amount, and she needs to step it up big time.
Those are the three most pressing steps you need to make, and you should make them quickly. Then you can take the time to start fine tuning things.
I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking 'if only I'd handled that better, everything would be ok.' It's just one small event in a long chain. Apologize once sincerely if needed and forget it.
Focus on the other stuff you identified (excess beta). It's more important.
He says he's already read the primer (and NMMNG), so he's coming here ahead of the game, but he needs to read the primer again... I would suggest focusing on the mate selection chapter. MAP book may be higher priority now because he needs to focus on fixing himself.
@dubleyuteaeff
Getting off the weed and shedding the pounds are the low hanging fruit.. you need to do these regardless of who you're with. From your intro, getting back your frame and killing the oneitis is going to be your challenge and the focus of your efforts. Become your best version and she will follow.
Read the MAP book ASAP. Build your MAP and categorize your Reds, Yellows, and Greens. Pick your first 'three monkeys' and report back. Folks here will help you clean it up. Your new mantra is "STFU and MAP"... actions, not words.
Also, for the time being, put the marriage on hold. Her princess/entitlement mentality must be nipped in the bud. If this can't be reigned in and she can't assume a competent FO role, she's not wife material. Highly recommend you go to Ian's 'Red Pill Room' and read his related material... focus on his 'Wife Test' posts.
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
I agree that it's time to give up the weed. Especially with a 5 year old in the house!
I was in a similar boat and the first thing I did was flush all the weed and throw all my stuff away. Two years later I don't miss it.
Don't be her butler. Don't fix her plate, let her take her own dishes to the sink, etc. Take care of your own stuff. Maybe even have the "division of household chores" conversation.
And above all, Captain Up. Be in charge.
I hope you don't have any set date for marriage because everything will go from bad to worse. Her being a SAHM and not doing all the basic chores and you being a (post) cuckold is a horrible setup for marriage.
@dubleyuteaeff
Just go to the 911 section and read through a few of the threads and a common theme will scream at you... NG, beta men and poor mate selection is a disastrous combination. Highly hypergamous women with gorilla-sized hamsters need a fully engaged alpha guy to make it remotely work... and need to be fully worth the effort.
Until you're back in your head space, living in your world on your terms, and fully internalized that you are the prize... marriage (WITH ANYBODY!) needs to be off the table!
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
@dubleyuteaeff, welcome to the Forum! I have a few thoughts for you:
You should be spending 100% of your time getting your real estate business off the ground. If you have time to smoke weed, do housekeeping, pander to your fiancé, etc., you aren't taking care of the business. If you don't take care of this, it will be a DLV (and a financial killer) no matter what else you do. This is also how you get her to start pulling her share of the load. You are busy building a business, she needs to support you (and your future family) by taking things off your plate so you can do what needs to be done.
Part of being effective at sales is your personal presentation (your looks). Weight has already been identified...work on it. I personally wouldn't buy a house from a stoner...I don't care what you do in your personal life, nor do I judge. But a relationship with a realtor requires a lot of trust...I have to believe you are going to go the extra mile, do what you say you are going to do, look out for problems, have my back, and so on...and if I get the feeling you are more into alcohol or weed than my business, I'll take my house/money to someone I can trust. There is simply too much at stake for me to take a risk when I don't need to.
I would take part of the money you save on weed and get "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It will give you a lot of insight into why you are being so beta, and how to recover from that. Back it up with coaching here...the money will be well spent, compared to the divorce you'd be facing down the road. And it will pay off in your business, too.
The problem you had with the roommate's girlfriend will continue to repeat until you deal with the underlying issue. Which is your approach to things. You may only see it in large issues...but I'll bet your fiancé sees it all over the place in smaller events. Then she shit tests you, gives you some job to do, you fail the shit test (she was hoping for a display of strength and boundary setting, instead you fell all over yourself to do the dishes or whatever)...and you add another chore to your list. Not to mention how it plays out in your business life. That is how it happens. I have been there, done that...many of us here have.
Set up your MAP, make yourself awesome, start passing shit tests and balance the family load...in other words, start captaining. If, after all that has been taken care of, and you are still interested, getting married can be back on the table. Keep in mind that a single woman with a child is going to look for someone to provide security for her, and her kid. That will always be number one (and probably should be). Her attraction and desire for you as that provider-object is secondary. In other words, she will put up with a lot from you in order to protect her kid and her ability to be a SAHM. But that won't translate into a great relationship or a great sex life. You are going to have to get your relationship onto the track you want it to be on for the rest of your life, and if it gets there, great...get married, live happily ever after. If it doesn't, or can't, then you have to be the one to walk away. Don't put yourself in an unhappy marriage that will eventually fail because of some misplaced loyalty to some other guys kid. I know that sounds cold...but that is what the red pill is all about...seeing things as they are, dealing with them, and moving on.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
This is sounding like this is turning into one of those relationships that guys post about in 911 Relationship ER, and you're not even married yet!
Fortunately you found out about MMSL soon enough to dodge the bullet.
Anyways: Postpone the marriage.
Don't even think about following through with the ceremony while your relationship is going the way it is right now.
If you haven't set a wedding date, don't raise it, and refuse to agree to one if she starts raising the subject. If you've set a date, postpone it indefinitely, and, yes, tell her why. You're going to have to kill your beta/blue pill fears long enough to be a Alpha/Jerk about this one.
Don't do it unless and until you've done your MAP and she's gotten on board with attraction, sex, all those things a marriage needs to thrive.
Welcome to the forum,
Sorry to say, I didn't really get past this part.
What you describe, imo, is not average health. This plus the waiting to afford to buy the primer... health issues you could work on and not enough $ to buy a <$20 book. I think you know what you need to do for starting points.
Although it's rough right now, I've seen the woman she can be if she had the right man, I'm willing to do the changes.
Some of the responses have been gut wrenching and truthful, I appreciate that.
Like the book says, I look forward to having the life I deserve, whether it's with her or not.
How do you really know if it's salvageable or not?
This answer is easy... You run your MAP and you work through the phases. You either get to phase 3 and everything you want/need or phase 6 and well positioned to have the life/relationship you deserve.
There are no shortcuts.
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
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