in my head.....

george

My wife is the popular fun one. People gravitate to her. She has beta orbiters. She is easy to talk to and not hard on the eyes. In conversation, she gets about 90% of the eye contact while I could practically walk away un-noticed. People go out of their way to ask about her. They like having her around. They find reasons to be around her.

I find this annoying. And I've realized that this is entirely my problem.

It's a sign I'm not being myself, holding back, and not enjoying myself. I'm too sensitive. That I often hang around people who, frankly, are 'her' friends and not very interesting to me. Many of her friends have annoying husbands and I end end up 'tagging along' to do things I'd never want to do. I've been a quiet, go-along, +1 sidekick. THAT'S annoying.

My wife makes decisions on her own, that I wouldn't make without her. She plans things, while I'm not comfortable deciding our schedule or commiting to spending money.

This annoys me. But again, my fault. Nothing is really stopping me from scheduling events.

....something to think about.

george

(having some very frustrating issues with sons schooling which triggered a conversation with Mrs. G last night that was upsetting - basically she wants more involvement from me and more leadership. It's upsetting because I've been working overtime to be involved, and I have been even taking time off work, and she usually fights any attempt I make at really taking the reins. Now that she's not working she has all day to get 'ahead' of me and I spend all my time trying to catch up. It's like I start my second job the moment I come home. Conversation also very similar to a long conversation from many years ago that was the single worst day of my life b/c she said she didn't have any respect for me....which strangly occurred in January and when we were returning from a visit to see friends - the same friends who are visiting this weekend....we only see them 1 time a year or so. I listened, laid out my concerns, listend more, then stopped the conversation - said I'd understood her and would take care of it. Apparently, I have to figure out how to greatly increase my leadership with her, the boys, and the schedule.....even though I'm already working, coaching sports teams, doing home repairs, fighting the local schools, etc. But the message was pretty clear....she needs leadership, decision making, the feeling I've got it all under control so she can relax. So, off to figure it out.)

george

came up with a way to visualize my performance in 37 'categories', from four areas of life (mental/emotional health and stability, life/family, resources /finances, and physical health and illness). It's basically a circular plot of triage topics but easier to scan quickly. high scores (outer green circle), yellow in middle, low scores in inner red circle. my issues jumped right out.....worse than I thought in one of the areas....

dalef

Leaders delegate work to others; you need to give her direction, not do everything yourself.

Winhamness

You mention how you aren't really doing what you want with your wife.

Nor are you doing what you want to when you are with your wife's friends husbands.

Do you have friends you spend time with (it's ok to say no....)?

Do you feel like you know what it is you'd RATHER being doing when you are with the wife's friends husbands??

Captain_Hammer

@george Don't focus on just the big battles, she will see these coming and will be ready to resist. There are easier wins to be had as well.

I suggest giving her simple compliance tests every day that she can pass without noticing (e.g. Asking her to make you a cup of coffee, drop something off at the cleaners). Make sure you ask her to do something for you that you could easily do yourself and that she does it!

Each one if these she does for you will slowly build leadership momentum. This is something I am doing and it is rewriting the leadership balance between us in my favor