MiddleMan's MAP

MiddleMan

MiddleMan's Mindful Action Plan

This is my first crack at a MAP. It's intended to be a work in progress. I'm stating my goals and I'm looking for feedback, especially if I've missed the point.

1. Physicality and Health

a. Red/Yellow: I will join a gym this weekend and begin a weightlifting program. I will lift weights at least three times per week.

b. Yellow: To aid in adding muscle, I will buy and correctly use the appropriate supplements (protein, vitamins, etc.)

c. Yellow: If alcohol/caffeine use significantly impedes my progress, I will curtail my use of same.

d. Yellow: I will see a doctor regarding my low back symptoms if weight training does not improve/resolve them.

e. Green: I will continue to eat a healthy diet of unprocessed foods in moderate portions.

f. Green: I will continue to run at least once per week, minimum three miles. Outside dramatically preferred.

2. Money and Materials

a. Yellow: I will leave my current job and find a new one in which I will make at least as much money as I do currently, but with more responsibility, prestige, and upward mobility.

b. Yellow: I will fix/hire someone to fix the back door and the laundry room door that the dog chewed.

c. Yellow: I will fix the washing machine so that it doesn’t develop a mold problem.

d. Yellow: I will de-clutter, clean, and organize the laundry room.

e. Green: I will continue to pay off all revolving debt each month.

f. Green: I will maintain our emergency fund and continue building short, medium, and long-term savings.

3. Displaying High Value

a. Red/Yellow (see health category): I will build muscles so that I am physically more attractive.

b. Yellow: I will complain less and joke/play more.

c. Yellow: I will become more playfully dominant.

d. Yellow: I will be a leader/captain in my marriage.

e. Yellow: I will be mindful as to whether I am being faced with fitness tests and learn to deal with them appropriately.

f. Yellow: I will develop a strong frame (frame of mind; mindset) and apply it to my life.

g. Yellow/Green: I will (continue to) be an involved, caring father who provides love, guidance, safety, discipline, and stability.

h. Yellow/Green: I will put thought and effort into how I dress; I will add style to utility/comfort.

4. Relationship Comfort

a. Red/Yellow (see Money and Materials category): I will fix the things that need fixing around the house (stop being lazy).

b. Red: I will stop sulking, pouting, or storming off. Instead, I will calmly and directly address what is bothering me.

c. Red: I will not let sexual rejection affect me noticeably.

d. Yellow: Possible double-bind at prospective new job (more hours, but perhaps more money and more prestige)

e. Yellow: I will learn my wife’s love language. Really learn it.

f. Yellow: I will be mindful of any loyalty tests that may occur and respond to them appropriately.

g. Yellow: I will assume positive intentions from my wife.

h. Green: I will continue to express affection (cuddling on the couch, hugs, kisses, etc.)

i. Green: I will continue the daily 10-second-kiss with my wife.

j. Green: I will continue to say thank you and verbalize my appreciation of the things my wife does for me.

k. Green: I will continue to live with integrity.

5. Personality and Preferences

a. Yellow: I will spend less time using my iphone/computer.

b. Yellow: I will decide what I want. 

c. Yellow: I will learn my personality type.

d. Yellow: I will pay myself first.

e. Yellow/Green: I will do more of what energizes me (running, working out?)

f. Green: I will cook more and practice cooking skills.

6. High-Energy Sex

a. Red: I will stop blaming my wife for our sex life; I will make myself more attractive and desirable.

b. Yellow: I will discover the “30% that works” for us in the bedroom and expand our repertoire.

c. Yellow: “Take Turns” as per the MAP book

d. Yellow: I will engage my wife in talking about sex with less discomfort/awkwardness.

e. Yellow: I will keep trying to flirt and be more “playfully naughty” with my wife.

f. Yellow: I will initiate sex more and be less worried about rejection.

g. Green: I will continue to be committed to my wife and expect the same from her.

BrianC

Yes, yes yes! This is a very well-written MAP outline.  I can see all kinds of things frm it, including having a pretty good idea of where you could best benefit from coaching and what would need to be first in terms of order of operation.

I will be holding this thread up as an exemplar.

Now fo actual feedback on what you have presented:  It sounds like you have developed a very passive-aggressive way of communicating yourself, and it has contributed to a pattern of indecision in your life in the past.

For that I see two things indicated.  First, learning assertiveness.  I would start by working on saying "No" to one reuest a day without explaining yourself.  I would also suggest that you work on becoming comfortble with stating your expectations in a  cleareffective way.  Basic "I-Statements" would be an easy start, ut I would have to learn more about your communication style to give you really good advice.  Tell us about ht happens when you want something, but have trouble communicating it.

The second is helping you develop a hihgly goal oriented frame for decision making.  Because you feel like you are in a double-bind over a new job opportunity, I would suggest making a list of everything you want in your life in the next five years, for example:

1. Greater fitnes
   
2. More sex
   
3. Better cooking Skills
   
4. Freedom from debt
   
5. An emergency nest egg
   

You might want to consider some that are in line with your exercise goals that are specific, like "Run a marathon in 2014", and with your parenting goals "Help my daughter find an activity she really loves.".

When making this list, be greedy.  Imagine that you can create whatever life you want.  adjust for reality later.

Now once you have a good list, for each item on it, ask yourself, "would I better be able to reach this goal by  choosing the new job or staying with the old one?"  Suddenly you have a great process for making most hard choices.  This can become a central part of the frame you are trying to build.  Everything becomes a matter of  "Does this serve my goals?".

For a third goal, I would say that finding your wife's love language is a very high priority.  We can probably help you out with that one here over a day or so.  l us how your wife shows affection to you daughter, for a start.  Does she compliment her a lot, buy her toys or sweets, make her special meals, play boardgames wth her, or cuddle and kiss?

Finally, from here on in picking one thing to fix / work on a week is going to serve you VERY well. 

MiddleMan

Thank you, BrianC. I appreciate the feedback.

I'll work on that list of goals. Should these goals be integrated into my MAP, or should this be a separate process? I'm really excited and motivated to get going, but I think it's going to be very important to keep my focus relatively narrow; I know that if I try and "fix" everything at once I'll fail.

Clearly, my number one step is going to be weight training. I'm' 6'0" tall and I'm skinny. I think lifting and gaining muscle will make the biggest difference for me. (I weighed myself this morning; I was at 166.)

I definitely have a tendency to be passive aggressive. I'm going to be mindful of that and cut it out.

You mentioned debt. We have a mortgage and we have student loans. I pay off the credit cards every month, so I never pay interest. To the extent that it's necessary to borrow (for home improvements like a new fence we had put in this summer), I've been able to get interest-free financing. Paying off the student loans is a priority, of course, but I put debt and money in the green category.

MiddleMan

I've been advised to prioritize some "monkeys" and pick three things to work on this week. So here goes:

1. Establish a weightlifting routine. I've joined a gym. By this weekend, I will have a written workout plan. I will then follow this plan.

2. I will plan a good "alpha-frame" date for our anniversary (to take place on 2/8/14). Dinner reservations are made, I want to figure out a good surprise/a way to lead her through the date.

3. I will find some door contractors and arrange for some estimates on fixing our back door.

MiddleMan

I just posted this in @UnBetaMe 's thread. But it's some good insight into who I am, where I'm coming from, and where I want to go so I'm reposting it here.

On seeking the approval of others:

This is something that I need to stop, too. I've examined this in therapy. I have trouble giving myself credit for, well, anything. I've always been top-of-the-class smart, so grades and academic achievement came easily to me. On the rare occasions I found something academically challenging, I decided that I just wasn't good at it and focused on the things that came easily. But grades and academic honors were something that were external to me and they were objective, so I could look at that and find my value in there. (If this sounds familiar to anyone, you definitely need to read Mindset by Carol Dweck; it will really open your eyes.)College, even though I went to an elite college, wasn't too hard for me either. It wasn't until law school that people were doing better than me because they worked harder and wanted it more. And instead of upping my game in response, I let myself believe that I really wasn't all that great. This lasted a long time; I'm only working out of this over the last year or so.Throughout this time, I was never particularly successful with women. And I saw this as a judgment of my value as a man, as a human being. There's this whole category of human interaction where you can know what the world thinks of you. And I was failing at it. It was so hard for me to believe that I was a good, worthwhile person (to say nothing of being an attractive, desirable person) because no one else seemed to think so.I couldn't believe that all the objectively good things about myself had value, because I didn't see it mirrored by the world at large. This resulted in a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn't think much of myself. And that clearly became such a part of me that I projected that to the world. And that's what I got back.So now, through my MAP process, I'm working on becoming an objectively awesome man. And, what's more, I'm working on becoming so objectively awesome that I even convince myself.

BrianC

Hey, @MiddleMan how go those monkeys?  Have you got a fitness plan and a date planned for Friday?

MiddleMan

Fitness plan: done. I'm using the Fitocracy app on my phone to track my workouts. I had a personal trainer session yesterday. I've been working out for 2 weeks now. I can see some slight (emphasis on slight) improvements in how I look. And I'm feeling better overall.

Date is planned. (For Saturday.)

I still need some estimates about the doors. I've gotten some input from people who know what they're doing, but I haven't gotten any estimates from any contractors.

I'm cutting myself a little slack on that; I've been busy with working out and I've gotten that new job, which was a huge part of my MAP. I start the new job in one week.

Thanks for checking in with me.

MiddleMan

I've been very busy lately. Started the new job; had our eighth anniversary, doing our taxes, etc. I need to update my MAP progress. I will soon.

MiddleMan

It's time for a MAP update.

1. Physicality and Health

I'm going to call this a yellow now. I've joined a gym and I'm working out (lifting weights) at least three times per week. This is the main focus of my MAP. I'm feeling better overall. It's been about three weeks, so I'm not seeing wholesale changes in my physique, but I think there is some slight improvement. The weather has been horrid, so I'm running on the treadmill instead of outside.

I'm drinking a good protein shake after workouts; I'm eating sensibly. I'm taking vitamins.

I'm finding that I'm drinking less simply because I'm spending more time in the gym and I don't want to hinder my progress. When I do drink, it's red wine with dinner.

2. Money and Materials

This is in the green. I've start my new job, which has me making more money than before, is more interesting, and has much more potential for advancement and growth long term. I'm very excited about this! Did the taxes; everything's looking good here.

Yellow: Still need to fix the damn doors, declutter, etc. 

3. Displaying High Value

I'm putting more effort into how I dress for work. It's amazing how much of a difference something simple like putting a casual sweater over a boring dress shirt can make. Green (with a yellow tinge; room for improvement but I'll wait until I've worked out more before buying a lot of new clothes).

I'm trying to be more playfully dominant; but this is a work in progress. Yellow.

I'm realizing that I need to step up and be more of a leader in my marriage. This is difficult because I'm not in the house that much; I'm out working. I tend to delegate, but that often becomes deferral. This is an orangish-yellow.

4. Building Relationship Comfort

Overall I'm calling this yellow. I'm getting very good at OI. My wife and I have been having sex 2 to 3 times per week. I'm hesitant to take credit for this; I don't feel like I've changed that much.

I still want/need to learn her love language. Yellow.

If I'm getting fitness tests and/or loyalty tests, I'm not seeing them. Yellow.

I've got the beta aspects of relationship comfort down pretty well.

5. Personality and Preferences

Haven't done much in this category. I'm working to give my wife what she wants/needs, but trying to do so from a Captain's frame. Overall a yellow.

6. High-Energy Sex

As noted above, our frequency has increased. I've privately been keeping track on my phone; we're averaging 2-3 times per week (excluding shark week). This is a positive development. But it's still not the kind or intensity of sex that I want.

I'm learning that I need to be more confident (or perhaps dominant), to show more alpha. This is not easy for me. Yellow.

I do know how to avoid the worst beta/DLV behaviors. I don't pout/sulk. I have good OI. But I really think it's going to take more time in the gym, and an overall increase in my self confidence, before I see the kind of results I'm looking for here.

My wife has controlled the flow of the action in the bedroom, and I'm realizing that more and more. I need to be the one who leads. I need to be less afraid of pissing her off by trying something new, even if it's just being more assertive.

MiddleMan

It's time to post a revised MAP. Let's call it MAP 1.1. You'll note that most of the changes are in the High-Energy Sex category, as I realize I've got a lot more work to do than I previously thought.

Mindful Attraction Plan 1.1

1. Physicality and Health

a. Yellow/Green: I will continue to lift weights at least three times per week. I have started the Stronglifts 5x5 program.

b. Yellow/Green: To aid in adding muscle, I will continue to buy and correctly use the appropriate supplements (protein, vitamins, etc.)

c. Yellow: I will see a doctor regarding my low back symptoms if weight training does not improve/resolve them. I will consider whether weightlifting is negatively affecting my lower back symptoms and emphasize proper weightlifting form.

d. Green: I will continue my moderate enjoyment of alcohol and caffeine. If either of these impedes my progress, I will curtail my use of same.

e. Green: I will continue to eat a healthy diet of unprocessed foods. 

f. Yellow/Green: I will eat more in terms of calories and protein so that I can add muscle and gain weight/muscle mass.

g. Green: I will continue to run for enjoyment and maintain cardiovascular health, but my focus will be on adding muscle.

2. Money and Materials

a. Green: I now have a job that I really enjoy and am good at. It pays me well and provides me with opportunities to advance. I will give my unreserved best effort at this job and create success now and in the future.

b. Yellow/Green: I have hired a contractor to replace our back door; I will see this project through to completion.

c. Yellow: I will fix the washing machine so that it doesn't develop a mold problem.

d. Yellow: I will de-clutter, clean, and organize the laundry room.

e. Yellow: I will stain the deck to preserve the wood and make it look great.

f. Green: I will continue to pay off all revolving debt each month.

g. Green: I will maintain our emergency fund and continue building short, medium, and long-term savings.

3. Displaying High Value

a. Yellow/Green (see health category): I will build muscles so that I am physically more attractive.

b. Yellow: I will complain less and joke/play more.

c. Yellow: I will become more playfully dominant.

d. Yellow: I will be a leader/captain in my marriage.

e. Yellow: I will be mindful as to whether I am being faced with fitness tests and learn to deal with them appropriately.

f. Yellow: I will develop a strong frame (frame of mind; mindset) and apply it to my life.

g. Yellow/Green: I will (continue to) be an involved, caring father who provides love, guidance, safety, discipline, and stability.

h. Yellow/Green: I will put thought and effort into how I dress; I will add style to utility/comfort.

4. Relationship Comfort

a. Red/Yellow (see Money and Materials category): I will fix the things that need fixing around the house (stop being lazy).

b. Yellow/Green: I will continue showing and truly feeling outcome independence, especially in the sexual context.

c. Yellow: I will learn my wife's love language. This will be difficult if relationship talk is kept to a minimum. Figure out a way.

d. Yellow: I will be mindful of any loyalty tests that may occur and respond to them appropriately.

e. Yellow: I will assume positive intentions from my wife.

f. Green: I will continue to express affection (cuddling on the couch, hugs, kisses, etc.)

g. Green: I will continue the daily 10-second-kiss with my wife.

h. Green: I will continue to say thank you and verbalize my appreciation of the things my wife does for me.

i. Green: I will continue to live with integrity.

5. Personality and Preferences

a. Yellow: I will spend less time using my iPhone/computer.

b. Yellow: I will decide what I want. 

c. Yellow: I will pay myself first.

d. Yellow/Green: I will do more of what energizes me (running, working out)

e. Yellow: I will get a hobby; something that I'm passionate about or very interested in. (Astronomy, participating in political campaign)

f. Green: I will cook more and practice cooking skills.

6. High-Energy Sex

a. Red: I will become more sexually dominant.

b. Red: I will become the leader in the bedroom.

c. Red: I will figure out what exactly I want sexually and then make it happen.

d. Red: I will direct my wife to give me what I want sexually.

e. Red: I will lead my wife to give me BJTC.

f. Red: I will "fake it until I make it" in becoming sexually dominant.

g. Yellow/Green: I will initiate sex assertively and strongly when I want sex. I will stop if I receive a hard no.

h. Yellow/Green: I will maintain outcome independence. If necessary, this may include leaving the house after repeated rejections.

i. Green: I will continue to be committed to my wife and expect the same from her.

The_Dude

Weightlifting cured my back problems.
But! Be very careful with dead lifts. I managed to injure my back for the first time since getting in shape by overdoing dead lifts.

I used to almost be crippled with lower back pain about twice a year. Other than the dead lift mistake, haven't had one issue since getting my core strong.

Eightbit

My core was quite strong when I reinjured my back badly doing back extensions. The extra strength I had gained gave me too much confidence and I ended up wasting most of last year recovering. Be careful.

MiddleMan

Oh, and adding to section 5: I will become less boring by becoming more actively engaged and present every day as well as doing activities that interest me.

MiddleMan

This has been long overdue.

MiddleMan's MAP 2.0

Physicality & Health:

Green- I am lifting weights at the gym at least 3 times per week. I can see the difference from when I started. I'm enjoying my workouts and I'm glad I've made this a part of my life.

Green- I am keeping up with cardio via running; doing occasional organized races and doing pretty well at them.

Green- Working out more has meant drinking less alcohol. That means fewer empty calories.

Yellow- I'm not as young as I used to be; I'm developing nagging/chronic injuries from lifting. Work on proper form and allow elbow to heal/avoid aggravating it.

Yellow- My biceps need to be bigger. They're coming along slowly, but I can't go too hard/heavy until my elbow is better.

Yellow- Taking vitamin D regularly has helped my testosterone levels and reduced episodes of ED.

Red- Get to the goddamn dentist and fix that filling already.

Money & Materials:

Green- Job is going well. Making good money; having plenty of time with my family; and good opportunities for growth and advancement in the medium-term.

Yellow- I need to spend less time on the Internet (even MMSL. Especially MMSL.) During work.

Yellow- Work ahead; avoid having to play catch-up. Challenge myself to get as many things done proactively as I can.

Yellow- We've been spending a lot lately; need to watch this carefully. Need to make sure we're spending less than I bring in. 

Red- Nothing. Don't get complacent and create any reds.

Displaying High Value:

Green- Continue to be in better shape than most of my peers. Work on making this "almost all" instead of "most."

Green- Replaced some pants and shirts that didn't fit well with new tailored-fit ones. Dressing well for work and socially.

Green- The patio door has been replaced. The laundry room has been cleaned out. House is in good shape. 

Yellow- Working on eye contact in public.

Yellow- Improving my frame in general. Need to internalize my self-worth so that I naturally believe it.

Red- Stop relying on external validation. Don't look to others to see if what I'm doing is "good enough." Instead, produce excellence and actually be superior. I'll know it and I won't need the praise of others.

Building Relationship Comfort:

Green- I've learned my wife's love language (words of affirmation) and she now knows mine (acts of service; physical touch).

Green- Not lacking much beta.

Yellow- Need to focus more on leading.

Yellow- Need to be more playful and fun. Even when I'm tired. I'm too serious at home.

Red- Relying too much on validation and approval from wife. 

Personality & Preferences:

Yellow- Be fully present in the moment.

Red- Need to find validation in myself, not externally. This is the simplest statement but probably the most important part of my MAP. And the most difficult.

High-Energy Sex:

Green- Frequency is pretty good. 2-3 times per week.

Yellow- Need to bring more passion so that my wife can respond with her own.

Yellow- Gentle boundary-pushing. Do this.

Yellow- Increase dominance in the boundary-pushing, even though it doesn't come naturally to me.

Red- Stop focusing on BJTC as a short term goal. I am working against myself if I get bent out of shape over this.

judyjudy

@Middleman - I think the 'finding validation in yourself' will be a HUGE green for you. I mean change-your-life huge. Of course it will be difficult because it is so ingrained.

Do you have any thoughts on how you might do this? Any particular things spring to mind?

Tennee

I was just going to ask you in the Deal thread how you were, and it seems to me some of the discussion there influenced your 2.0 (???). 

MiddleMan

Thanks, @judyjudy‌ and @Tennee‌. A lot of this did come from the What's My Deal thread. Self validation is going to be the most important part of my MAP. I am going to start by trying to focus on being in the moment and holding myself accountable for doing my best all the time. Less coasting.

I'm honestly a bit scared about that part. It sounds really hard. 

BrianC

It's not as hard as you might imagine.  Most people have something they want to give to the world, but often don't know where to start, and so they hold themselves back.

The best kind of internal validation comes from having a powerful goal and tracking your progress towards it.  That can be:

• A work of art.
• A song they want to write.
• A novel.
• A business they want to start.
• A truth they want to share.
• A charitable cause they want to support.
• A political view they want to further.
• A problem they want to solve.
• A gadget they want to invent.
• A program they want to create.

If you look at the happiest and healthiest people on this forum, you'll see that they are all people who are working on something BIG.  Athol wants to save marriage.  @Serenity wants to forward Men's health and medicine because she want to spare people the pain they have gone through.

If you can tell me what you would like to change about the world, I can tell you how to turn that into an unlimited source of energy and validation.

Tennee

MiddleMan said:

I am going to start by trying to focus on being in the moment and holding myself accountable for doing my best all the time. Less coasting.

The first part is something that is very hard for me, but I have improved on.   I am always 'What's next, What's NEXT!!!'.  So slowing it down, realizing that the journey is enjoyable, that has helped me.  When I first started MAPping, I had these milestones in my head - things to accomplish.   I had them on a timetable, instead of a more abstract 'road-map'. I've switched my focus, so I am not time-driven.  I've also learned to enjoy what I have accomplished.  That was hard to do too.      But you know what, I look around me, and things are pretty damn good.   And I am making them better.   So, I can enjoy that, and not let 'what's next' frustrate me. 

Accountability is tough too, there's so many distractions.  As I rework through an honest triage, and really confront things, its opening my eyes.  So I'm right there with you - time to step it up.

MiddleMan

MAP progress: Went to the dentist. That filling is fixed. And my mouth is numb. 

Another red bites the dust. An easy one, but it's done. 

MiddleMan

...aaaand it feels like the tooth has cracked underneath the filling. Doesn't hurt (yet). But in the spirit of keeping vanquished reds vanquished, I've made an appointment to have it looked at in two days. Hopefully there will be a quick fix.