"I'll never look like that" - a spinoff thread

redheaded_woman

@jellybean I appreciate the sentiment....but to clarify:

He guilt tripped me into sex as only an 18 yr old boy can do to an 18 yr old girl. "If you love me you would x"
"Other girls are offering to x but I turn them down bc you're my girlfriend" 

But, he didn't rape me.

I was fully aware of what I was doing and consented/ participated every time.

I've seen him since the FB friending (in a group setting with other people we grew up with including his wife). I have closure.  No worries there.

I have a 1000+ FB friends and he isn't the only ex boyfriend/ romantic interest on it - he just happens to win the ex-jackass title.

I know the forum stance on FB, but honestly, it's one of those things that's "not a problem until it's a problem" and it's not a problem.

JellyBean

The problem isn't so much that you have an old BF as a FB friend. The problem is that you value yourself so little that you care about the opinion of someone who abused you, who you even now call a jackass. 

redheaded_woman

@jellybean That's fair.

Cowboy

@redheaded_woman , something just keeps bugging me about all this. His T is low, and he is now doing something about it (after a lot of badgering, though, right?). He won't take the Cialis, and he drags his feet over and over before going to the doctor. He's clearly not a "lazy bear," who just isn't motivated to do jack shit, in other spheres of life. At the same time, he doesn't seem to need the Cialis to get it up when you start, but he can't keep it when he's in what you've called "The Black Vagina of Death (TM)." (That still makes me chuckle out loud when I read it).

And then I remember things like this:

redheaded_woman said:

25 days since sexy times...

But, I haven't initiated and I'm not orbiting.

Working out and sticking to the no coke/sweet tea plan.

If he really wanted just a BJ but nothing else, wouldn't he initiate on that more? Leaving aside questions of who's the Captain, I think the most obvious reason for his behavior is:  he just doesn't want to have sex.
I think he certainly should take the Cialis, but I think that won't do a damn bit of good until the underlying issue of why he just doesn't want to get it on gets resolved.
I would be 100% positive, first, that he gets his testosterone up. Being a very high-drive man who got an erection yesterday just looking at a low-res picture of his non-girlfriend's LEGS, I'll admit I don't understand Low-T at all.  So, maybe he's got enough drive to get a boner at first but then need a blow-job to finish. There's only one way to find out if that's really the problem.

That said, my spidey-sense says that there really isn't the complete picture. If you get his T up, and everyone rides off into the Happy Sunset of Awesome Fuckland, great; I hope that's the case and I'm wrong. This guy's behavior, though, says, plain and simple, he doesn't WANT to fix the problem. The simplest explanation for that is that there's something he's afraid of, which means there is a mental block.
Didn't you post a story once that when you were dating him in your early 20's, you went over to his apartment, told him you weren't wearing underwear, and he still didn't jump your bones? That screams mental block of some sort.
Have you filled out a triage, Mrs. @redheaded_woman ? I would love to know what the elephant in the room is.

redheaded_woman

@cowboy He's been on T therapy for about 18 months.  He took cialis for about 2 months in spring of last year.

He initiated Saturday night. He didn't  keep the erection long enough to enter said Black Vagina of Death/ Nuclear Vagina.

I did not BJTC. I didn't really say anything either. Don't know if that was good or bad. I just sat up, put my pjs back on and laid back down.  

Then he talked about being frustrated. In hindsight I should have said "Obviously not frustrated enough bc this has a simple solution"....or similar ....but jezzzuz I'm tired of the conversation.

And, yes, I did show up at his apartment when we were engaged at 24 with only a dress on and he didn't initiate. I think we went to dinner LOL.  

Triage is further back in this thread. I would link if I knew how...but I think Angeline linked it in these newer posts too.

Thanks for checking in. 

Pen_and_Sword

@redheaded_woman ; Is it a good idea for you to refer to your body in such a negative way?

I get that you're expressing frustration over what happens during the event, but I'm afraid that you're internalizing this when you phrase things that way. 

Excuse the crudeness, but I guarantee that if you chose to be unfaithful you could prove in short order the problem isn't with your body. I'm afraid talking as if it were is actively jumping out of your own frame.

redheaded_woman

@pen_and_sword Thanks for the comment, but that's just my sense of humor about a draining situation.

If I really took his erections or lack thereof personally for the last 3+ years I probably wouldn't be a functioning human.

But, I very much appreciate the sentiment of your post. 

Cowboy

redheaded_woman said:

@cowboy He's been on T therapy for about 18 months.  He took cialis for about 2 months in spring of last year.

He initiated Saturday night. He didn't  keep the erection long enough to enter said Black Vagina of Death/ Nuclear Vagina.

I did not BJTC. I didn't really say anything either. Don't know if that was good or bad. I just sat up, put my pjs back on and laid back down.  

Then he talked about being frustrated. In hindsight I should have said "Obviously not frustrated enough bc this has a simple solution"....or similar ....but jezzzuz I'm tired of the conversation.

And, yes, I did show up at his apartment when we were engaged at 24 with only a dress on and he didn't initiate. I think we went to dinner LOL.  

Triage is further back in this thread. I would link if I knew how...but I think Angeline linked it in these newer posts too.

Thanks for checking in. 

I think you handled that exactly right. No rewards. Sometimes not saying anything at all can be the most effective communication.

I looked for the triage, but I couldn't find it (sorry, there are a lot of pages here).

Does he have any "outside sexual sources?" What about "outside emotional support sources?" Porn, little hits of dopamine from co-workers...?
At the risk of being too forward, has there ever been any outright infidelity (I seem to recall the women working under him were acting like they had a crush on him on Facebook or something...)?
Did he ever have any traumatic experiences as a kid or a teenager?
Do any hidden resentments ever pop up?
Whatever the problem is, he's had it since you all were fairly young. That's why I'm skeptical about low-T (which, granted, probably isn't helping matters).
At the risk of being a real heel...is there any chance he's gay?

(I apologize if any of this is too harsh. It was not my intention.)

redheaded_woman

@cowboy Not too harsh at all!!!

I agree with you - I truly don't think it's all T related either.  I don't know what else it does relate to though. 

No affairs. I had posted on one of the mate guarding threads about co-workers posting on his FB about being "Team MrRHW".  

I've asked all the questions and he has replied & I have no reason not to believe him:

He doesn't masturbate.
He doesn't use porn.
He says he was not abused (sexually or otherwise).
He says he was never shamed about sex.

I don't mind you wondering him about being gay - you aren't the first forum member to wonder.

Thx for saying you think I handled it right. It's a terribly fine line between not rewarding him/ getting him to take it seriously/ make it worse by embarrassing or shaming him.

STFU seemed like the way to go so that's what I did.

MsChief

I know I'm fairly new here, so please forgive the intrusion.  

I just finished reading this whole thread and my brain is screaming "GAY".  Hi fitness, attention to how he looks, his drive (non-sexual).... Oh, and the fact that he can O via a blow job, but not PIV?  I have read more than once on infidelity forums about women who found out 20-30 years into their marriage that their spouse was gay.  Men that they swear ooze Alpha.  

I hope, with all my heart, that isn't the case.  However, I just don't understand how, with him being so awesome and proactive in all other areas of his life, is he cool with letting the area of marital relations founder.

redheaded_woman

@msChief LOL It's no intrusion....several posters have asked.

HowlAtTheMoon

I don't get a vibe for gay. Lots of straight people think my husband is gay, but his gay friends say no way in hell.

I do call bullshit on his claim of zero masturbation even with four weeks between sexual encounters with you. If his T is 600, I think you said, and his E2 is fine, then he would want release in some way, more often than that. 

My h lied for yrs and yrs about the chronic masturbation. I have no idea why. And since we had no internet,  it wasn't porn related either. I don't even recall the context in which he finally admitted it, but it changed everything. Obviously,  I don't know your h, but it just feels eerily familiar. The no drive,  ED, vagina of death......

Something is hidden. 

Cowboy

Like @MsChief , the more I think on this, the more it sounds like he's gay. It's not just because of some of his more effeminate traits; he just doesn't seem to want to have sex with a perfectly available woman. Even if that isn't it, there's something that you aren't aware of.
@redheaded_woman , have you suggested counseling for this issue? I'm going to guess he would drag his feet and come up with a million excuses as to why he will burst into flames when he walks through the door, but it's worth a shot. I can't think of any other way you're going to get to the bottom of this, and you deserve to know.

redheaded_woman

@cowboy - the counselor I saw back in the fall gave me the name of a marriage counselor (who apparently is known for sex issues in marriage) but I haven't pushed the issue.

I think if I made the appointment and said "We're going to marriage counseling" he would go. But, I don't think he would drive that bus himself.

It's just draining.

And I need more batteries! LOLOL

redheaded_woman

@howlatthemoon ;

Maybe...I don't get the feeling he's lying about it, but that doesn't mean he isn't,