Is it possible to have a good marriage when my wife is probably smarter and stronger willed than I am? We have been married for five years and things got bad on year four-textbook case. Sex dried up and I complained. Thankfully I found the blog and forum and started the MAP. I have eliminated most screaming Reds but the baseline is that she is high alpha and we clash a lot. It's been a rollercoaster the last 6 months when I started showing high value and stopped whinning. Still, it's not ideal and I feel as If I need to be on alert all the time. We grew apart but interestingly enough we have had better sex. I have considered divorce because we don't have kids yet and I definitly will not live the rest of my life in this state of ambivalence and uneasiness. Maybe I have been the distant ahole she spoke of this weekend. Maybe I have to DHV but keep showing good Beta, but when being rational I sometimes think that our personalities are just not a perfect match for H and W. I am the nice guy istj high SC and she is the independent strong woman Intj high D. We really want to work things out but it is taxing.
thanks
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Let's start with a couple questions:
Is everything a battle? I mean like 'What's for dinner' become WWE Smackdown?
Does she defer to you at all?
Does she ask you for little decisions - what's for dinner, what are we watching tonight, what color should we paint the kitchen - and do you answer decisively or say 'I dunno, whatever'
You have some hallmarks of the Control Battle many of us have gone through in early MAP.
How will you live well today?
you also need to get to a point where you choose to disengage aand leave her hanging ... 'youve given me alot to thnk about' ... and if she has a good argument that you agree with, smack her on the ass and say 'that's why i married you' and smack her on the ass
use her strength against her because she wont see it coming
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Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
You told the story in your other post about the surprise trip and how she loved it. Did you keep that kind of thing up?
What does the above in bold mean? What are you arguing about?
As I MAPped, I noticed her deferring more and more to me, so some of this may just be time as you continue to improve and MAP.
How will you live well today?
I love, love doing this. She'll zing me with something and be all smugly beaming, or best me with something, and I'll say "well done. ..you know, you're not just a hot piece of ass" or the like. Even better to begin mauling her as you do it.
How will you live well today?
Here is how it works. You are the captain, but you don't have all the answers, but you do make the big decisions. If she argues with you, and she has a good point, and she changes your mind, then roll with it, you have a good first officer. If she doesn't change your mind, but she is arguing hard, tell her that you appreciate her concern and her passion, but you're going to do it your way. You don't need to defeat her logic. You just do what you think is right, whether she agrees or not, and when she has a better idea than you, you acknowledge it and thank her.
The first officer may be smarter, may even be a better officer, but it's still your ship, not hers
Don't dwell on what you can't do. Focus on your strengths. The personality types, and test scores make it seem like you're looking for excuses, and creating self-fulfilling prophecies. Stop that.
Rich girls need love, and strong leadership too. I'm strong, capable, smart, and I earn a lot more than my H. That's just how it is. I'm not about to start apologizing for being awesome. He's awesome in other ways, and together we make a really great team.
What's the alternative? Get a divorce, and marry some nice dull girl, have nice dull little kids, drive a respectable mini-van, and live in a modest beige house? Blech. Accept the challenge, and your life will be much richer for it.
Stronger willed, yikes!
No.
How will you live well today?
Ok, this is good. Anything alter this trajectory?
To answer the questions posed above: if we argue about something trivial like chores for example she will bring back the topic that I have changed and that I am totally different and that she does not recognize me and that she misses the old me. I have been telling her that I feel that she could contribute more to the well-being of the household by doing some more tasks here and there, more than what she is doing and we end up arguing
My response to her is that I have decided to take care of myself for the good of the marriage. She keeps pulling and pulling for answers while I try to be discreet and not share much about the map and all the reasons that I have learned which caused our situation. She has said that a year ago she would be comfortable having a kid with me but currently she's not sure. She said she is even worried that I am not faithful, which is crazy! When she said that, instead of agreeing and Amplifying, I simply said no. She caught me off guard. She also says I "attack" her sexually with no love, and grab her butt and boobs out of the blue and she does not like. Interesting enough I think our sex life improved in the last few months and she was more into it.
The changes have destabilized your relationship, which may have been needed. But if you disappear - go total Alpha Asshole - she'll start to worry. You need a good Alpha / Beta mix, which you talk about. But if 'take care of myself' means you put tons of distance and then gave her 'I'm checked out' signals, that's caused her worries. She's also reacting to your changes, physical and otherwise. I got tons of flak on drivebys, I learned to balance them better - I went overboard with at first.
Some of what you're going through is very familiar ground for me, cause I lived it. I adjusted fire as I MAPped and learned. It was a rough, rocky time. I think she's clearly worried about your changes, so some focus on building relationship comfort is needed - lots of threads here on that. I can't help you on MC; but lots of people here have experienced it, so I'll defer.
How will you live well today?
I'm very smart (well, of course if you read here you already know that but I have pieces of paper that say I'm educated and everything ), very independent (only child here!) and strong willed. I generally operate under the assumption that I am right about everything unless objectively proven otherwise LOL. In my past life I was the only female department manager in a mid sized company in a male dominated industry. The sales manager (who I actually got along with very well) used to jokingly call me "Katt the Great and Terrible". In short, I am not a shrinking violet and not a submissive person in other contexts, yet I EAT UP leadership and dominance from my husband. I generally defer to him, and most of the time I even do so totally willingly . I was more resistant and difficult early in the relationship (read: shit tests), but by this point I have so much trust in him that I don't dig my heels in without a really good reason.
She needs to see your strength and competence abundantly before she will trust you. You need to excel where she is weak. I'll be honest, I won't say that my husband is smarter than me, but he is smart in ways that I am not. He is VASTLY emotionally stronger and in control than I am. He doesn't blow up or break down. I can trust that his responses and decisions are not ruled by emotional whims or weakness. He can hold it together even if I can't.
She also has to trust that your intentions are for the good of your family and aren't purely selfish.
If you can show yourself to be confident, competent, and strong and that you can lead while still hearing her and considering her input, she will probably not only follow you, but be glad to do so.
I experienced a lot of what you posted earlier in my MAP - everything from massive shit-test and hamster attacks to full-blown arguments, and the tossing of the "D" word around. There were some ugly times - I was mightily tested, and still am. But its a lot better now, a lot. I had to hold my ground, and re-double my efforts.
Re-read the posts from the FOs again...like, twice. I did, very interesting perspectives here. @elise may be providing you a great window into exactly what your W is experiencing right.now.
I personally would move forward with conviction and determination. Go through the Phases, and continue to Awesome-afy yourself, and you'll be in a much better place to make decisions. I think you still have work to do my man...
How will you live well today?
Dio you even agree that you need it or are you just 'going along with it' because she says so?
If she wants it so bad, why can't she schedule it? It's her idea and her project. All she needs from you is agreement that you'll go along to any appointment that she schedules.
Also - I wonder if counseling is a tactic to try to pull you back into line, using the authority of a third party.
Very.Important.
How will you live well today?
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net