Online dating help

TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
I'm back on the market after ten years of marriage and I've thrown a profile up on Match and plenty-of-fish. 

I'm getting a lot of action on POF from older women, mostly unattractive, and younger women from out of the area for some reason. 

I realize that the less attractive women are more likely to message because they aren't getting as many emails themselves, while the younger and hotter models are getting flooded with offers, but I'm wondering if anyone else is getting the same results. 

I'm changing my look a bit, the picture that I have up isn't great, and I'm going to go for a stubble beard a la Beckham instead of the goatee, so I'm wondering if maybe it's just my look attracting the older ladies. 

Thoughts? 

I did see a great profile for a woman a couple of years older than myself.  Obvious girl-game,  trying to look nice with long hair and showing that she's in shape.  She hints at a captain-first officer relationship and support from a loving partner.  I wish that some of the younger women would go that route instead of the busy career-woman screed. 
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Comments

  • LadyOrTheTygerLadyOrTheTyger EarthSilver Member Posts: 892
    The hot women from outside your area are likely bots or are selling sex webcam services.

    I'm an attractive female, and I very very rarely message guys.  I don't have to; there are several new messages from them every day.  If you don't look attractive in your photos I won't bother to respond unless you obviously took some time with your message.  

    The guys I've gone out with have confirmed that for them, it's a matter of sending out lots of messages.  They say they rarely get messages from attractive women our age.  It's mostly older and quite overweight women that they get messages from.  
    MissMissyDaddyOhHildaCornersTedD
  • DaddyOhDaddyOh CTGold Men Posts: 1,589
    Bots, Bots, Bots.
    Dont even bother. The Bots profiles are usually incomplete and very generic. And yes, all out of the area 
    "How vain it is to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."
    TedD
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    I'm beginning to feel like an attractive woman must. I'm getting messages, viewed, and offered meetups quite a bit, like ten or more a day, but they're mostly creepy, ugly, much older, or downright scary. I'm not sure if this is because of my picture or the fact that I'm separated, by I seem to be quite a hit with low-value women.

    Sorry, should have been more specific about the out of area girls. I'm not talking about WAY out of the area for the most part, but maybe an hour away.  Not doing the long-distance thing if I can help it.  I'll be moving a bit closer to a major city next spring, so it would be a lot easier to head down a highway for date then it is now.

    Next question. @Ladyorthetyger, you mentioned that you wouldn't respond unless I either looked attractive or spent time on my message. What would impress you in a message?

    I know enough not to just say "hi" or "how are you doing?"  I get enough of that crap myself. I usually mention something from the profile to show that I've read it, don't say anything about her looks, and ask a question that should result in something other than  a one-word answer, but I get nothing back.  I guess I can just send out mass emails and see if I get a hit.

    And women complain about automated emails...
  • LadyOrTheTygerLadyOrTheTyger EarthSilver Member Posts: 892
    I'm beginning to feel like an attractive woman must. I'm getting messages, viewed, and offered meetups quite a bit, like ten or more a day, but they're mostly creepy, ugly, much older, or downright scary. I'm not sure if this is because of my picture or the fact that I'm separated, by I seem to be quite a hit with low-value women.


    Everybody is a hit with low-value everybody.  







    As far as getting a high-value woman to respond to you. . . . look good.  Online dating is 90% looks because that's really all we have to go on. Otherwise, if your message reads like you read my profile and you honestly think we'd be a good match because of something I said, I'm likely to respond.  Especially if you ask a question about something mutually interesting and show we have a mutual interest.  I've gone out with guys that I wouldn't have based on their photo alone but we had mutual interests.  


    Lastly, ask her out sooner rather than later.  Nobody likes endless messaging.  
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Online dating is a "quantity over quality" thing. Expect that.

    If you look through the Singles room, you'll find several threads on online dating. Read them. There are some things to remember:

    Photos matter. Have a good face shot as your main photo, and add an action shot of you doing something manly and a shot showing your whole body, if the action shot doesn't. Don't include any females old enough to date, and that includes daughters and great-grandma. Include awesome pets.

    Decide whether you want to weed women out with your profile, or later. If the first, be more specific. If the second, expect to get a lot of reject messages.

    Men need to do the messaging. On every dating site I've looked at, the men do the hunting, the women respond. Women who break the rule tend to be less worthy ... or you posted a "special unicorn" profile and really, really interested someone.

    Pay sites do better than free ones. My PoF profile drew married men like flies. My OKCupid one still draws rejects, but also some interesting men. I haven't tried a pay site, but I expect those do even better.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • LadyOrTheTygerLadyOrTheTyger EarthSilver Member Posts: 892


    Photos matter. Have a good face shot as your main photo, and add an action shot of you doing something manly and a shot showing your whole body, if the action shot doesn't. Don't include any females old enough to date, and that includes daughters and great-grandma. Include awesome pets.





    And honestly, don't include little girls either. That's just creepy on a dating site.  Pictures children really don't add anything. 
    Angeline
  • never_againnever_again CanadaSilver Member Posts: 1,372
    edited August 2015
    My experience with early online dating >10 years ago, was actually pretty good.  Now it seems to just be a place for women to get validation "I got 15 messages today.  Too bad none of the suckers are good enough for me."  They're all wanting Christian Grey but offering Roseanne Barr.

    I've followed all of the above suggestions and am running probably one out of 100 messages as actually getting a positive response, much less a date.  I'm 2 months out of an 8 month relationship now and have met exactly one woman online.  My luck the previous 4 years before meeting 'relationship woman' (met through Meetup) was about the same.  A few first dates, very rare second dates and 1 prior 11 month relationship.

    I've had better luck meeting women through Meetup.  The benefit with that is that you get to weed out the crazy ones before you ask them out.  The added benefit is that you're out socializing.  I can also tell you that if you're a decent guy, in good shape with a modicum of game, the women make themselves known to you. But again, you're still only going to want the ones who are attractive to you.

    Online dating is just a diversion now.  It contributes about the same benefit to my life as porn.
    The man who gives his woman everything ends up with nothing. Not even the woman.
    DaddyOh
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    ^ Agreed.  This forum is not the place for gender wars. 
    Speak your truth. 
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    LL80 said:
    Can we please stop with the nasty comments about women using online dating? You don't have to be attracted or go on dates with them. And there are just as many 60-70-year old men who do NOT look young for their ages and are overweight but are only looking for women in their 30s who are thin or athletic and toned. 
    Yeah, I think most of them have messaged me at some point.

    I have seen a couple of truly awesome men's profiles (before I was awesome enough to capture their attention) ... a couple weeks later, they added a message saying they're seeing someone; a couple more weeks, and their profiles are gone.

    Steurgeon's Law applies ... 80% of everything is crap. And Hilda's corolary: 80% of what's left is stuff you aren't interested in.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    edited August 2015
    LL80 said:
    Can we please stop with the nasty comments about women using online dating? You don't have to be attracted or go on dates with them. And there are just as many 60-70-year old men who do NOT look young for their ages and are overweight but are only looking for women in their 30s who are thin or athletic and toned. 
    Yeah, I think most of them have messaged me at some point.

    I have seen a couple of truly awesome men's profiles (before I was awesome enough to capture their attention) ... a couple weeks later, they added a message saying they're seeing someone; a couple more weeks, and their profiles are gone.

    Steurgeon's Law applies ... 80% of everything is crap. And Hilda's corolary: 80% of what's left is stuff you aren't interested in.
    Sounds about right at the moment.  

    @LL80 everyone is well aware that there are plenty of skeevy, pervy, unattractive and creepy guys out there hitting on younger women.  We hear about it all the time.  It's apparently shit on both sides. 

    Aside from a lack of the female equivalent to dick pics,  I've had the "heyyyyyy." messages, the endless-texting-never-meeting and a bunch of the things that women are complaining about in their profiles.  I've even had a couple of copy/paste messages. 

    I'm going to try a speed-dating event and see what happens.  

    Online dating might work for me if I can get some better returns because I can check things out between tasks at work. 

    Any thoughts on speed dating? 
  • LadyOrTheTygerLadyOrTheTyger EarthSilver Member Posts: 892

    @LL80 everyone is well aware 

    One wouldn't think so judging from the number of "women are like x" statements that get made in the singles section. 
    LL80
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    NAWALT,  NAMALT. 

    Not everyone sucks, just enough to make memes about it. 

    Maybe everyone else sucks and this forum is the last bastion of awesome people on the planet.  *internet hugs for everyone*
    AngelineLadyOrTheTygerHildaCornersamblrgirl
  • LL80LL80 USASilver Member Posts: 3,309
    Apologies to @TheLoneWander for the threadjack. There are certain posters who seem to make a habit of making sweeping statements condemning one gender. Certainly not everyone. But it gets old and tiresome and is helpful to nobody.

    Good luck to you. I had absolutely no luck with this particular way of trying to meet people, but maybe you will do better. I did say it in another thread, just think of it as another venue to potentially meet people. And try not to spend any time or energy ascribing bad intent on any female users you come across. Most of them are simply looking for the same thing you are and suffer many of the same frustrations, and are trying to do the best they can.
    AngelineLadyOrTheTygerScarletHildaCorners
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    I'm thinking that it's like buying a house.  There are parallels.  You check out the details online, you look at the pictures and see the bad paint colours and nothing seems quite right, so you move on.  

    On the other hand, maybe you check out a couple of fixers-uppers and see if they're worth seeing in person. 

    When I met my STBX, she was not the hottest out there, but had a well written, interesting profile. I'm not seeing that very much at all where I live.  


  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    You should also try OKCupid. I use that site along with Match and plenty of fish. I have some decent pictures up, but plan to upload better ones soon, especially once the beard comes in full and glorious. Online dating is hard work. Reading profiles and writing a good email that shows you have read the woman's profile takes time. I have to send 5 - 10 emails to get a response. When I do get a response, I push for a date right away. The responses tend to come from the ones who share common interests. I ask them one or two questions to try to get a conversation started. A little light hearted banter seems to work too. Ladies love humor. I will set up dates with 2 or 3 women for any one week but chat up others so there are backup ladies in the wings. So far only been at this for about 5 weeks. I have nexted and been nexted. I try to decide within 2 or 3 dates if someone is a good fit or not. I have a date tonight that I'm very excited about. This woman is younger than me with no kids, has a phd, is hot with blonde wavy hair. And we share a lot in common. Crossing my fingers on this one. And remember the sage words of the philosopher Pat Benetar; "love is a battlefield."
  • EANxEANx Local GroupSilver Member Posts: 509
    edited August 2015
    Have at least a few good photos, get rid of any that are blurry or in poor light. If nothing else, you need one good quality face photo that isn't pretending to be in a professional setting. Ideally, you'll also want an action photo (doing something interesting) and a full-length photo. If you end up with several, you may want to consider making sure you have both an interesting action shot as well as a social shot to show that you have a wide range of interests. If all you have are one type of shot, you might inadvertently eliminate women who want a mix.

    Take a look at your competition if you don't already have an idea how the guys present themselves. For instance, in the area I'm in, there's two big groups, the dumpy guys and the super-competitive athletes. I don't want to be lumped with the one and probably can't compete with the other group on their own terms. So I don't try. I put together a profile that got attractive women initiating (including the woman I'm dating, thus why it's inactive) and maybe twice a month generated a comment along the lines of "this is the most interesting profile I've read". (That's not to say it couldn't be improved and I may ask for help here if this relationship goes belly up.)

    Find interesting stuff about you that makes you stand out from the crowd. If everyone around you is a competitive tri-athlete and you've done bull riding, there's your separation. Women will wonder "what makes this guy so different" in a good way.

    Figure out what it is you want; do you want to start a new family? Or do you want a companion? These will probably be different age ranges you focus on. I want my companion to know the words to Love is a Battlefield, not ask "who's Pat Benetar?"
    LadyOrTheTygerAngeline
  • never_againnever_again CanadaSilver Member Posts: 1,372
    edited August 2015
    I wasn't trying to start a gender war.  I was simply pointing out the same observations made by many men - it's a women's market out there and if you're not bathed in unicorn farts good luck meeting an attractive woman.  And it's getting harder all the time.

    I'm in far better shape than I was 10 years ago, make scads more money, am hugely more interesting and have a better "look".  I was told by a 20-year old tonight that there's no way I look 55 and I've had many men and women guess me at mid-40's.  And I'm still getting ridiculously fewer dates than I was then. 

    I had a correspondence with a woman last week on a dating site.  Did my standard 3 exchanges then asked her out.  Her response: "I don't think the guy I'm involved with would appreciate me having a drink with another man."  W.T.F. are you doing on this site then?

    And, for the record, I'm not basing my view on simply that one interaction.  

    I stand by my original comment - online dating should be nothing more than a diversion for a guy who's got his shit together.
    The man who gives his woman everything ends up with nothing. Not even the woman.
  • LL80LL80 USASilver Member Posts: 3,309
    There are "observations" and then there is deciding that the women are expecting too much, or only out for validation, or will not settle for less than if you are "bathed in unicorn farts."

    It is also interesting to me that you think things were better 10 years ago because something about online dating itself was different and not because, I don't know, you were 10 years younger. Your looks help, but it doesn't change the fact that yes, you are 55, and yes, that makes it harder to land a date in the online dating world. It doesn't mean that you need to be "bathed in unicorn farts" it just means that they aren't into you. Why does that make them unreasonable? Online dating is full of men AND women who have unreasonable expectations and mostly one-sided attraction. You are likely just noticing it more because now that you are 10 years older your ratio of attractive women to "ew, no!" women who are contacting you is no longer favorable.

    Really, it is the tone and the way you discuss your "observations" that I'm calling out, and the insinuation that "women are just looking for validation." I don't get mad at men for not being attracted to me. It's frustrating, sure, but the problem is with me, not because they have unreasonable standards. I've had men in online dating email me and tell me they were seeing someone, too. Again, I don't use this as a reason to call him out and be like, "They all just want validation!"

    The OP is in his 30s, I believe. If you were still in your 30s I think you'd have a lot more luck with the online thing. I do agree that he shouldn't use it as the only way to meet women but for him it is probably still going to be a decent option.
    LadyOrTheTygerScarletKattMaria
  • LadyOrTheTygerLadyOrTheTyger EarthSilver Member Posts: 892
    There's also the fact that these sites allow filtering. At 55, I don't care if you do smell like rainbows; I'll never see your profile and your message isn't making it past my filters. I'm willing to bet that in the last 10 years you've "aged out" of a lot of women's filters. 
    LL80[Deleted User]thealphacodes
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