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Comments
Given that, wondering if it will backfire is beside the point. The right question is, "Is it truly time for the A/B"? Not, "Will this get me what I want"?
I hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there.
“She was 3/4 perfection and 1/4 broken glass.”
I think she's missed the window for student loans anyway, or at least federal ones. I had to have FAFSA done by this time of year for fall semester. That doesn't mean she didn't apply to your bank or cedit union, so you might want to check and make sure both signatures are required for a loan.
Why does she have no clue how finances work? Has she ever done any college course work?
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
But college...yes, she has a Bachelors Degree.
Interestingly enough we've been down this path with other things where she promised things would be ok. So I've said have at it and she's had second thoughts after some time. I brought this up and her reply was "I guess I can't vent or share my frustrations with you without you throwing it in my face down the road". I guess I need to take some time and do a triage post.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
Here's my triage. I am trying to maintain some anonymity, so if my answers are too vague let me know:
Question One – Basic Questions
We are both in our mid 30s but I am 2 years older. We got married 4 years ago.
Been together 7 years. We dated in college, broke up and lost contact after awhile. Both of us ended up marrying abusive partners. We both ended up divorced and about a year afterwards, a mutual friend got me in touch with her and we started dating again.
We both have children from our previous marriages and we have two together which are the only ones who live with us full time....the others visit on weekends. Let's just say it's a Brady Bunch sized family. Ages range from toddler to pre-teen.
As far as SR goes....I would say I have the higher rating. I am in decent shape and play intramural sports. Since I've been focusing on improving myself, I'm getting looks from women and the occasional flirt. My W has gained weight but I still find her very attractive
Question Two – Rule Out Medical
There is definitely medical. Depression throughout the entire relationship though she said she's improved somewhat and I think being in a better relationship has helped. She was hospitalized once early in our relationship but it hasn't gotten that bad again. She takes medication to manage it as well. She was recently diagnosed with diabetes.
Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues
None that I can think of. I make a low six-figure income and we live in a large home and have been here since we were married. She has remarked that this is the most stable living environment she's ever been in. In her previous marriage, her ex-H couldn't keep a steady job and she was forced to work multiple jobs (and through pregnancies) to support the household. They had to move several times, sometimes due to evictions. The one drawback is that we are still cleaning up credit issues from our divorces...but that hasn't prevented us from making important purchases. I always maintain several thousands in savings. We have separate bank accounts which I wasn't too thrilled out at first but she doesn't manage money as well, so it has worked out better this way.
I do travel frequently for work but she has never had a problem with it and I always check in to see if it's a problem.
Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect
I think the most critical moment was a few years ago while on a vacation to Europe. We ended up fighting over sex. We both said some hurtful things and almost separated and the talk of separation lasted for almost a year but we eventually got over that.
Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources
None that I'm aware of with my W. I've done to work to rule it out, especially after the above critical moment. There hasn't been one instance of inappropriate behavior. On my end, I may look at porn once a month...but it's not something I'm that into, mainly a desperation move for a release. There haven't been any cheating, though she "playfully" accuses me of having girlfriend all the time.
Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?
The sex quality has always been the same. It didn't become a problem until we moved in together and were around each other more often. When we were dating and visiting, sex was frequent.
Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?
As I noted before, during dating sex was frequent but it was also a long distance relationship so we only saw each other 2 times a month. It never has been wild sex though....it was always tame as she's not a sexually adventurous woman, but at least back then we'd sext, send sexy pictures, have phone sex etc. We don't do that anymore. We moved in together a year before getting married and even then I saw signs of issues around sex. She was a victim of SA in her early 20s and also her ex was sexually abusive to her...so I figured it would take time to recover from that.
Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?
I think there are two elephants. First, my W tends to be lazy and reclusive and it's one of the things that burns me up. It's not uncommon for her to sleep until noon on weekends. I do more than my share around the house but sometimes I get wore out and things get out of hand. She will spend hours in our room watching TV or playing games on her phone.
The next big thing is that we almost separated over a year ago. She said it had nothing to do with our relationship but only the stress of our family and responsibilities...she thought she could manage better with separate places. It got to the point where we were looking at apartments. The only thing that saved us is her getting her application declined (think back to the evictions I mentioned with her ex). After that we had a "WTF are we doing?" moment and things have improved since then but I always think about it and wonder if she still wishes she could move out.
Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?
I am the leader and make most of the decisions for the household. On the other hand, I used to have a tendency to slip into bad-beta behavior often which ended up where no one was leading. I've improved on that but since that was my default behavior for so long, I still have areas of improvement.
Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times
Honestly, we have good times still to this day. We go on dates, we take trips together (the most recent being last month). I can't say there were good times that don't exist anymore.
She's not displaying normal responsible adult behavior. If she has untreated depression she needs help for it ASAP, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to act like a grown-up.
Call Athol. You've discussed separation several times, and this is a highly volatile situation. Personally I think you need to commit to coaching if you want your marriage to succeed.
I'm considering making a call....I just need to gather my thoughts.