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  better_man

  My triage.  I'm 45.  Ex wife 46.  The ex and I were together since our late teens, we were married for 20 years, divorcing in late 2013. We dated all thru college. I got the ILYBNILWY in early 2012.  We were very much in love while dating and the initial portion of our marriage.  We have two Ds, 15 & 18.  I rate us as both 8.  I'm 5'11" 190 and fit.  I started the MAP mid 2014 after discovering MMSL while researching why my marriage dissolved.  Although too late to salvage the marriage, my running the MAP was in reality for a post divorce life, and has gone very well.  I now work out regularly with heavy weights (adding a lot of muscle), dropped 35 lbs, elected to my company's board of directors, reconnected with many former friends, taken Krav Maga classes and motorcycle riding, enjoy frequent and incredible sex. I feel alive again.  I was a typical "nice guy" pre divorce.   I now have a healthy alpha beta balance.  I receive consistent complements on how much I've changed for the better, even from the ex - although she terms it as "different".  I must admit I still adjusting to this new found female attention, which is pretty incredible!  The divorce was inevitable.  I suggested we hold off until both Ds were in college.  I had contemplated a life without her for much of the second half of our marriage.   Don't get me wrong, the divorce was hurtful, and rears its ugly head at times.  Loneliness, separation from my Ds, and knowing the ex is with others still stings at times. There are moments I'm elated to be on my own, and other moments I get the "pit in stomach" feeling - usually around family events - such as recent graduations.  The negative feelings occur less and less frequent.  She's 5'3" 120, very cute face and nice curvy body. 

  
  

  There are no major medical problems. She had issues being on the pill.  Her sex drive had been very low throughout dating and our marriage. I patiently waited for her to "blossom" - never happened until the end of our marriage during her mid life crisis in 2012.  We had our moments, but our sex life was never truly connected.  She had a strict Catholic upbringing.  Sex was not talked about and even shameful.  I was raised in a more liberal household.

  
  

  We both had/have good careers.  During the recession my pay was scaled back, which did add stress - full pay was restored within a year. Our daughters were active in club sports and attended private schools, which was/is expensive.  The primary structural attraction issue centered around children's expenses.  We had good careers, nice home.  We both let ourselves "go" physically during the hustle of raising children. I worse that the ex, peaking at 220 lbs. and out of shape.  Our children attended excellent private schools, were well socialized, and lived/live a very happy healthy upbringing.  My ex and I were better parents than partners.  No critical moments or neglect.  

  
  

  Our "sex" life was good at the start of the relationship - sort of.  Given her upbringing, we held off actual intercourse for some time, possible until marriage. I honestly cant recall the the "first" time we had intercourse. We did a lot of oral, which we both became very good at. I became very good at getting her off with my fingers.  We basically did everything but intercourse.  Although I wanted more, what we did was satisfying and quite frequent initially.  She was/is a VERY emotional.  There were times when doing her she simply could not take it and I had to stop. Post marriage our sex life was unfulfilling.  My assumption was that once married she could finally relax to the point where sex would be "ok" and enjoyable.  Did not happen for her. 

  
  

  Who led the marriage - tough one for sure.  We jointly did, BUT in hindsight I should have been more the captain. 

  
  

  We had some really great times. And as said before, we were more partners than lovers.  We ran a great household that lacked interpersonal passion.  We've mutually concluded both were equally responsible for the inevitable divorce. Our good times centered around events we did with our children. We had many wonderful family vacations, holidays, sporting events and trips. Our happiness centered on our children.  

  
  

  In conclusion, our drifting apart and ultimate divorce was attributed to several factors.  First, we got together way too young, never having a chance to individualize.  We were immeshed from the start.  By the time we discovered just who we individually were, we have little in common.  Secondly, I was admittedly too much of a "nice guy".  Thirdly, my ex had sexual hangups due to her upbringing.  And finally, my wife went thru a mid life crisis. It was scary to see the transformation she went thru.  I once believed people basically remained their "core" self over the years - no more for sure.  The "chicken or the egg" theory can be applied to the reasons above.  But no matter, its over and I've moved on. I must admit, Its good to feel alive again.

  
  

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  June 2015