monkeydog said:

Everyone has different expectations.

I don't know what I would do in your position.

I have been following your story and felt I would be remiss if I didn't weigh in on the side of maybe, just maybe, trying to salvage this.

This is about you and what you want from life, but I hope she comes to her senses.

And I think you do too.

Of course I want to salvage it, but not at the expense of giving up what I feel are reasonable expectations in the marriage. I don't know how to salvage the relationship without doing that or without her coming to her senses. I know that I'm not going to hold her hand and point her in the right direction. 

monkeydog said:

I wouldn't put up with a sexless marriage and I would file immediately if I had proof of a PA or serious EA.

In that context, communication (eg. open/honest) is just as (if not more) important to me as a healthy sex life. STBX would never believe me when I'd tell her that...but you know what...throughout all the issues we had over sex, I never once thought about leaving her over it. 

monkeydog said:

Well, I was right that my opinion wouldn't be a popular one.

It doesn't feel right to me, but I'm not Beans and this isn't my marriage.

So many here have weathered much worse, it seems, including EA's, PA's and years without sex, only to turn it around.

I wouldn't put up with a sexless marriage and I would file immediately if I had proof of a PA or serious EA.

Beans, I am not trying to change your mind, just offering my flawed perspective.

 Whatever happens, you've got this. 

You're right, others have fared far worse and I think about that constantly. On top of that, our sex life was improving (and we never were sexless), we were having more fun..going out on more dates, she was cuddling/affectionate with me. All of that progress out the window (well..almost, we were still doing some of these things post-separation, ill-advised of course).

But at the same time...communication is very important to me and it's been a constant issue with her. Ranging from little things like getting the side of the car scraped accidentally and "forgetting" to tell me about it for days.....to major life decisions like applying/being accepted into school. Also, her nature of acting like a young single person (in terms of responsibility/honesty, not fidelity). This has been an ongoing bubble waiting to pop. Like @Husband3point0 pointed out....her parents, having very little information to go on, decided to be on my side....which totally shocked me. That tells me that the issues may be bigger than I believed and they see it too (and probably have for while). They've probably had several "talks" with her over the years that I never knew about.

With that said, if she were to come to me tomorrow and say "hey I want to reconsider my A/B and I'm willing to make changes"...I'd drop the divorce in a heartbeat. But she hasn't....she maybe pushed back for about 30 minutes after I told her my intent. I want a wife that will fight for her marriage...STBX is not the one (at least not now) and never has been. She makes a great girlfriend but poor wife/partner and I've accepted that. Even with that, I still want it to work out....but I can't go back to the way things were and that ball is in her court now.

@MissD

You're forgetting one major piece of this though. It's less about her being friends with the guy and more about keeping her communication a secret and the steps she took to cover it up AND the refusal to take steps to earn trust after it was uncovered. I already knew of this friend and up until this Fall, their communication was infrequent, so there wasn't a concern.

Secondly, this is after the whole school situation where she hid her intentions up until 30 days before class. I told her no more secrets after that...yet here we are. 

@HildaCorners

Our divorce will be final in 30 days, so not too long. Definitely not a high conflict divorce so it will be done here shortly.

I guess in the meantime I'll just take note of IOIs from women I cross paths with frequently