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Re: Just destroyed a probable EA....now what?
You are not alone. Below is part of what I posted in a thread about post affair feelings/issues. I think it may help you to know others too have dealt with this trauma. Keep in mind that I filed for divorce (pending) and have not had a successful reconciliation.
An affair and living with it's aftermath does cause damage on many levels. ( I have not put up my full back story, which is rather messed up, but I have kids and they were a major factor in my decision not to just end the marriage and move on after I learned of my wife's affair. ... I have been mapping for [over two years], ... I learned a lot along the way that others my benefit from. And my view is for someone who has children. If you have a short marriage with no children I think it's probably best to just end things and move on once you discover an affair.We were married more than 10 years when I discovered her affair (Dday) that had been going on for over two years. Even on this thread it's embarrassing to admit this and how big a fool I was. Any way, early on after my Dday a primary issue I researched was if marriages could ever really survive the damage. If it was not possible, or rarely ever possible, I wanted to divorce and move on. What I learned from every source, blue-pill and red-pill alike, is that is is not only possible for marriages to survive, but they can actually be better than they were before the affair. ... when both spouses sincerely try.Even when the relationship succeeds, this does not mean all the damage is fixed. There will probably always be scares whether you stay married or divorce.At times the betrayal is utterly mind-boggling. Mapping, leaning more about the red pill realities, and even threads like this have helped me manage and heal some of the damage.I also posted this in that thread:"Feeling like a fool must be common for anyone, man or woman, who goes through this. It adds to the feelings of betrayal. This is part of the mind-boggling aspects of affairs and part of the source of hurt or anger. One thing I have realized, though is this was not part of the intent of the cheater. In other words, they were not trying to humiliate us or play us for a fool, but they had little regard, if any, for what their actions would do to us. So it's still a bit mind-boggling for me.""A friend of mine also learned about his wife's affair at about the same time as my DDay and one thing we both agreed on is how all the strange things we had experienced or questioned in the past made complete sense once we learned the reality of the affair. It was just remarkable. Much of the past Gaslighting was gone. The one positive aspect to this meant I was not crazy after all.But then came the trickle truth and DARVO, which is really more gaslighting, at least I think that's a fair way to describe it."
Others shared helpful perspectives in that thread.
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/10072/blindsided-by-thoughts-of-the-affair/p6
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Re: This is probably nothing....
I did not dismiss my divorce until I had a post nuptial agreement in place. A fair post nup is in the best interests of you and your family.MiddleMan said:Ah, I didn't see the part about "if she engages in infidelity again." That I could see doing.
Use your phone as a VAR if you confront her tonight. It might protect you if she fabricates claims about how you acted. You can also review it after for details about what she said.
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Re: This is probably nothing....
My wife had a long term affair. It just sucks. It's hard to put into words how awful it its.MiddleMan said:
3.5 hours.ch102081 said:@318JimmyNow you missed the part where the phone tracker showed his wife at OMs house for an hour today.
One man who had been through it described it this way:
"while you barely have the strength to even get up off of the floor, this is when you need to be your strongest. It is like the cruelest joke of your life---worse than you could have even imagined." That's my message of warning and of your need for strength.
The message of hope: Some survivors can honestly tell you they have better marriages. I think The Dude, and Fredless are two such survivors. I believe it's possible.
![[Deleted User]](../../../images.v-cdn.net/banned_large.png)
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Re: New To Site And Need Help.
The 180 list is excellent and you should read it as many times as you need to. You can find the list here https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp at Q and A 11.CartB4Horse said:
Has anyone posted the "180" for you? Basically a list of what to do or not do when your spouse cheats.
Give us three things you can fix/improve within yourself this week. Anything need fixing? Have you started working out, lifting heavy? Purchased Athol's books? What have you done for YOU, and what will you do in the next 7 days?
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Re: New To Site And Need Help.
Confused13 you have been given excellent advice in this thread, espcially from The Dude. He, myself, and others here have delt with wayward wives. It sucks, but you need to stop making it worse and get your ass in gear.
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