Ok, so this is going to be a slight departure from the usual Success Story thread. Since my Triage and MAP are not publicly readable, I'm going to provide an abbreviated version of them and then relate my tale.
Caveats/Info: this is going to start out with some really ugly dark stuff, but I promise the ending will be good. This is a Success Story thread after all. I hope that by understanding where I started, people will get a full appreciation for how far I've come along and what this process is capable of achieving. In addition, I sincerely believe that my story has many parallels to several guys here, notably a few who either are or were stuck in a rut for quite a while. And, since I have spent an enormous amount of time analyzing my situation (which admittedly in itself exacerbated one of my issues), I believe I might have insight that others can leverage. So, I invite those people to ask me questions. As I have related elsewhere, I have paid for this knowledge via a dangerously severe sleep shortage such that it'd quite frankly frustrate and depress me immensely if I failed to help someone else avoid this path. This is my 'give back to the community that definitely saved my marriage, and possibly my life' thread. [This is also my admission that since most of the guys who need my thread cannot access it, I need to provide something public so they can extract something useful.] I invite any and all questions. Ask away.
Mini-triage:
I'm 44, wife is 40. Two kids, DS is 11 and DD is 7. Medical is somewhat long and involved, my side is pretty clean and the children are in almost perfect health, but hers is a near train-wreck -- chronic weight issues, undiagnosed illnesses that present as an autoimmune thyroid condition and perhaps another genetic blood disorder, multiple miscarriages, stones in gallbladder (removed) and kidneys, etc. Anyway, she has genetic conditions, doesn't eat well and has NEVER exercised in her life. This is all compounded with her extreme fear of doctors due to receiving poor medical care while a child (leading to a staph infection among other things) and generally being treated very poorly during her surgeries and births. Her mother (my MIL) also received extremely aggressive treatment for lung cancer which (probably) accelerated her condition, and certainly made the quality of life during her final six months pretty horrible, tbh. So, that didn't help my wife's impression of doctors either.
We have a few structural issues, mainly three big ones: (1) our bedroom has no door (it's a long-term RED with an ugly backstory even, but a tale for another day) and (2) my NG issues are large and pervasive, originating in severe emotional abuse from my mom (including convincing me that I was a problem because I was born male and culminating in her hiring a shrink to hypnotize me and help her implant false memories with my dad as the abuser) and (3) my wife experienced a traumatic event as a child which compounded her negative sexuality upbringing (I cannot be more detailed, hopefully that is enough). I was also addicted to both porn and Warcraft (I know, I'm such a keeper, stand back ladies); both are gone, but I would count up each as its own serial CMN. Both have been kicked for a while, but they were huge issues. So, we have a man who's ashamed to be male, married to a women that is ashamed, embarrassed and even afraid of her own sexuality, both with low self-esteem issues. Needless to say, the sex life of these two people was virtually non-existent for the first fifteen years of our marriage. Our sex life didn't go bad, it was always bad. I had absolutely no idea that a sex life was supposed to exist or could be good even. I was taught women hate sex, all men are pigs and effectively borderline rape their wives in order to have children.
To say this place was eye-opening would be trivializing to the point of epic comedy. Women can have orgasms, regularly? Women actually want sex? My wife desires me? My wife actually feels rejected when I'm NOT coming onto her? The list goes on. I sat up all night long several times a week in 2012 reading threads here thinking I was being duped by some elaborate hoax. I honestly read this stuff and it blew my mind. I just figured that most men got one of the 80% of women that just aren't programmed to enjoy sex at all, and we live in misery because to push ourselves on our wives would be assault, and there's no chance of turning her on on the first place so why try? I'd never met a couple who have an active healthy enjoyable sex life. Ever.
You people probably read that and think -- this guy must be a complete brain-dead idiot. And, yet nothing could be further from the truth. My IQ is absurdly high (~99.99%). I have a PhD in Mathematics and started on a paper focused on solving a Hilbert problem that everyone in the department thought had a strong chance to lead to a Fields medal (I gave up on it a while ago, and I over 40 now, so I'm ineligible if you're wondering). I guess my point here is to never underestimate the power that rearing and environment can have on the development of a child, and eventually then as an adult.
So, I started implementing changes haphazardly from NMMNG and MMSLP back in late 2012. I made some initial progress but stalled until I read the MAP book and reassessed where my real problems were. On July 13, 2013, I created my official MAP, rolled up the sleeves and started the hard work. And, it was hard. 2014 in particular was a very difficult year for me. Without the help of Brian Rideout (
@BrianC here), I'm not sure I would have made it. But, over the past 2-3 months, things have eventually turned around. And, our sex life is now beyond my furthest expectations. Usually averaging more than once per day outside of SW, and often in the twice per day range for 4-5 days in a row. By the end of the year, I would estimate that around 70-80% of our sex throughout our marriage will have occurred in 2015. And, out of the remainder (the other 20-30%), the majority of that was during 2013 and 2014 during minor periods of sunlight in the dark tunnel I spent nearly three years traversing. We now have sex more each month than the entire first fourteen years of our marriage combined.
It seems implausible. I'm sure there's another guy out there like I was in 2012, reading this thinking "this dude is full of shit!" But, it's possible. The depth of your hole will determine how much work it will require to get out. But, take heart in this -- if I could make it out, while only working on 0-4 hours of sleep per night for over 18 months, then you can too.
I owe a huge thanks to the Moderating team here. And, another huge one to many of the forum regulars, particularly several Gold individuals who held my hand (metaphorically) and gave me hope. But, most of all I need to thank three people above all others:
To Doctor Glover, if he reads here, I wish to thank you immensely for providing a roadmap to attack my inner demons and five inner peace.
To Athol Kay, I must thank you for providing me the blueprint for the end goal. For showing me what's possible. And providing me with an initial guide for how to start working on my own solution.
And, last but not least, to Brian Rideout, for being my coach, guide master, friend, confidant, cheerleader and torch bearer, especially when I was ready to give up and piss on the flames instead of continuing the journey.