42andatowel said:

Angeline said:

Hah! @Summer just brought up something I'd forgotten about, the Alleged Dress. lol. I wonder how many were bought? I wonder if the sellers tried to figure out why there were so many page jumps from here? 

What is the alleged dress, and do I need to order one for my wife?

Fasicat has an entire line of "dresses" like it btw. They're all cheap and on Amazon. 

Enjoy!

monkeydog said:

I think all your husband wants is for you to treat him with love and respect, to maybe show him a bit more affection, to cut him a bit more slack, and to let him know through your actions that you are there for him through sickness and health.

He doesn't want your pity, but he probably needs more RC than usual.

And blow jobs. Those always makes thing better.

As with the last piece of advice from @monkeydog, watch out! 

Be sympathetic to his medical issues. But, be very careful not to be an enabler to his psychological ones. If he forgets a cherished memory you have, for example, then don't castigate him for it because he can't do anything about that. But, if he becomes squishy or wishy-washy or obsequious or passive agresssive or starts executing covert contracts or lies about things or engages in people-pleasing, etc., then I (personally) think that's where it's probably healthy for you and your marriage to push back. 

In a nutshell... Memory stuff that relates clearly to his diagnosis -- sympathize. Behaviors related to his Nice Guy -- boundary. 

That's why I wrote all that stuff out for you btw. So that you can identify the NG behaviors and separate them from the issues related to his diagnosis. 

Like I said though, remember that this is not my wheelhouse...

leoslayer said:

Husband3point0 said:

And that's why it's virtually impossible to give high quality advice to the OP -- the largest elephant is not available to us and the driving force behind it is in someone else's head. 

Not to be too blunt about it but this forum doesn't really work well when the triage reads like the plot of the sequel to Inception. 

There are three members of this forum that have all details.

Plus I don't have all the details. I have no idea what's going on in her head unless I talk to her.

But where the forum is helpful especially with the women is getting inside the general female mindset.

So even with all those details left out there is plenty of general help available.

That might've come out wrong. 

I'm not trolling you for info. I'm also not castigating you for your inability to extract details in an intractable premise (what's in her head). Nor am I trying to make light of your situation or plight. 

But, it's difficult to help you steer around the mines in front of you if we're in a 'fog of war' setup and can't see the field. 

Put another way -- I have three different pieces of conflicting advice to give you but I can't pick which one is appropriate because each one could be awesome or awful depending upon the circumstances. 

[I'm not sure if that makes sense...]

Hopefully that tome of a post is easily followed. I certainly didn't mean to mic drop on you and wander off. However, it looks like there wasn't an explosion of Qs that I was expecting, which either means you're completely stunned to read that or it made so little sense that you're still trying to unravel it. 

To put covert contracts into perspective -- NGs see them as a necessary coping tool because they intrinsically have wants/needs/desires but they don't feel free to express them. So that's how their brain makes sense of the way to deal with a want which is repressed under either the false premise that he cannot express it for fear of making a woman unhappy OR (in the uglier cases) because he isn't allowed to have valid desires, due to the fact that he's a man. 

The NG syndrome also explains why some men have such tremendous trouble taking the captain's chair -- it's the inverse of every single piece of their childhood programming. The captain acts precisely the opposite of a NG in basically every single way. They're decisive. They are confident in their ability to lead. They communicate openly and honestly with the crew and then make a decision and inform everyone of the outcome. They have a clear direction and purpose in life. Etc. 

And, it also explains why so many of their wives feel like they have another child in the house -- their growth as a man is/was often horribly stunted at some point, and they haven't yet fully developed into a whole man with a strong sense of self and a positive relationship with their masculinity. Which means that if their wives treat them that way, then they will automatically fall into that role because it feels very natural to them. Treating your NG as a boy triggers all kinds of issues: (1) he subconsciously feels comfortable on some levels because it feels 'right' and 'natural' for him to be treated this way, (2) it frees him up from the need to attack the inner demons and grow (which is a problem everyone has quite frankly -- the only thing we're wedded to more than our spouses are our own psychological complexes IMHO), (3) it puts the woman in charge of the relationship meaning that she can direct things to where she will be happy and he doesn't have to worry about fucking it up and then consequently messing up his chance to fuck her and (4) ironically although he will push the two of you into these corresponding roles he will hate you for it. To that last point, he will blame you for slipping into the role he created for himself and will resent you like his mother for the predicament that he put your marriage in. God bless you ladies, on behalf of us all I apologize; this has got to taste like chewing sand every day. 

NG syndrome also explains why some of these men hover and orbit women. Usually, they lack self-confidence and especially aren't confident around women. So, they sometimes orbit you looking for behavioral clues and signals that they can act on. In the worst case, a missed signal presents a missed opportunity to win your approval, which translates (in his mind) to a missed chance to have sex. The ultimate fail in trying to attain female validation -- failure to capitalize on every possible sexual opportunity! 

In general, you can either look to your blue pill MIL or your philandering FIL as the primary cause of this btw (sometimes both). If you do know the root cause, then you can state explicitly "I'm not your shitty mom" or "you aren't your shitty dad" when he does these things. 

I won't yell at you if your opinion differs from mine. (Shitty mom)

I won't think poorly of you if you want to spend time with your friends. (Shitty dad)

Etc. 

As several others have said already, it's his job to sort this all out. I'm just laying this here so that you're aware of the dynamics at play behind the scenes so you can figure it all out. 

For those if you new to this -- this is who you're really married to.  Allow me to introduce you to your real surface husband. Hopefully with your help he can peel the scars off the outside and discover the awesome guy underneath. 

Good luck. My heart and prayers go out to you both. Let me know if I can be of any assistance explaining this. 

I think you might need this: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

Remember too that although perspective cannot cure everything, it exacerbates virtually nothing.