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JellyBean

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JellyBean
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  • Re: coaching starts in a few days

    My husband is five weeks into coaching with Athol and there have been huge positive changes and I see indications of positive vectors everywhere.
    SerenityWinterMaterStellieneenKenny2redheaded_woman
  • Re: FO having trouble holding the bridge.....

    @MrsKenny2,

    This post has gone through several iterations and drafts.  Even now I'm not sure it's entirely right, but I'm tired of fussing around with it so I'm going to commit it to the board, for better or for worse.

    First, I want you to know that you have my full support and solidarity.  You have dealt with a lot and put up with a lot.  Your man has let you down and forced you into the position of Captain because by golly, someone has to step up and take care of business, and he sure as heck wasn't doing it.

    My situation was not as protracted and desperate as yours, but there are some parallels.  In any case, I was doing all the stuff I thought I was supposed to be doing as FO, namely: taking all steps to look more feminine and attractive and making myself as sexually available as possible and not criticizing or nagging him, exercising patience, telling myself that if I kept my part of the deal, he would keep his.

    That got me worse than nowhere.  I say worse because I would occasionally blow up at him when I got so frustrated I couldn't stand it anymore, so I would erupt molten Furious Pissed-Off Wife Energy all over him and he would get his shit straightened out enough for me to calm down, then when the storm had passed, back to the same old routine.

    This is what finally clicked for me:

    http://marriedmansexlife.com/2013/04/there-is-no-female-action-plan/

    It seems so obvious and self-evident when I read it, but for some reason it hadn't clicked for me until I read that blog post.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed and really angry at myself for not getting it before then.

    If I was to be a First Officer worth a damn, I had to take charge of the ship when the Captain was off having his low-T party.  Taking charge of the ship didn't just mean paying the bills and getting stuff done around the house, it meant taking the steps needed to repair the marriage

    In my case, this meant that I told him he had to

    0. get his low-T fixed
    1. stop "forgetting" his therapy appointments
    2. set an appointment today to take place within 1 week with a sex therapist to work on certain specific sex issues.  (I had gotten a recommendation for a sex therapist and gave him the number.  By the way, our sex therapist is a very attractive young-ish woman whose name is one letter different from the name of a sex act, hahahaha.)
    3. stop playing World of Tanks
    4. stop porn

    And the consequence for his failure to meet these requirements was the end of our marriage.  I didn't want to end the marriage, but I was exhausted from doing the dance we had been doing up to that point.

    Shockingly, it has been working very well so far.  He met all my requirements and then some.  He has been astoundingly awesome ever since this showdown happened.

    In your case your job is clear -- work on making yourself as attractive as possible, and set out the plan to get his low-T handled.  That above all else must happen first for him or the rest of it will not have much chance to take hold.


    “The central theme of MMSL is to get yourself into a position where you’re so valuable as a potential partner, that you no longer are required to tolerate being in a relationship with a crappy partner who refuses to handle their own shit.”
    MaterStellielibertyAthol_KayScarletPurple[Deleted User]NellAlphaBelleJoannaAngelineUnibew
  • Re: "Creepy": I Am How I Fuck

    I'm a woman who loves and appreciates men.  I love sex, and I'm pretty much DTF with The Best Man Ever™ anytime, anywhere.  I am also doing my best to help cultivate a healthy respect and appreciation for the male energy in my sons as they grow up -- especially for my older son who is just now hitting puberty.

    I tell you all this to emphasize that I am not one to go around calling men creepy just for having a healthy high sex drive.  I think in a lot of cases, women call men creepy as a way of putting them down, or maintaining control of the sexual part of the relationship.

    How do you know when someone really is creepy, as @KatherineKelly described, or is just socially awkward, as @Ben suggests?

    A few years ago I found myself single again.  I went out on a lot of first dates.  There were a number of guys who were Nice Guys but just not terribly attractive to me.  I found them friendly and pleasant, sometimes a bit socially awkward, but never "creepy."  The only guy I found creepy was a very handsome guy, with a very alpha way about him.  And he completely creeped me out the entire time of our date.  I can't put my finger on what was wrong, but he positively gave me the heebie-jeebies and I couldn't wait for our date to end.  The next day he called me and told me he wanted to take me out again the following weekend.  I told him no, I didn't think we were a good match.  The following weekend he showed up at my house -- I had never told him my address -- and forced entry.  He pistol-whipped me, then raped me. 

    So, I like to think that my "heebie-jeebie" reaction to him on our date was a legitimate, primal reaction to something in him that I sensed on some level was wrong, although I can't tell you what it was.

    So how do you draw the distinction between being legitimately creeped out and just being a judgmental bitch?  It seems to me there really isn't a good way to do it, except in retrospect.
    sapperMonaAngelineAngelaWendyAthol_KayNellHope44